Cheating partner outed during death of my father..

[Tam00]

Here goes nothing.. Where to start...

So.. I've been with my partner for 15 years now and the last year (2019) had been quite tough and rocky with us. We barely spoke and intimacy was very little. I'd been studying the last 2 years along with a full time job, our 2 boys to look after along with all the other daily duties and chores you can imagine so this didn't help our relationship either. Earlier this year (early February 2020) I noticed he kept going away for the weekends. He wouldn't answer my calls and no explanation when he'd come home. It was pretty obvious he'd started seeing someone else but of course when asked, I got the silent treatment completely. When he did decide to speak to me, he'd made up in his head that we weren't together anymore and so what he was doing wasn't cheating. Of course he never told me we were finished.
Anyway, this continued for some weeks, he continued to go away on weekends and I'd cry myself stupid.
One night gone midnight my sister rings me saying our dad had suffered a major stroke and doctors were unsure whether he'd, make it through the night and was told to go to hospital to be with our father ready to say goodbye. Of course this happened on a friday night, when my cheating partner had already gone for his shag fest weekend. So here I am wondering what the hell to do and who to leave our children with at 1 in the morning. I ring him and surprise surprise no answer. So I call my mother in law who I can always count on to come to mine to keep an eye on my sleeping boys while I rush to hospital.

8 days later my father passes away. During my grieving period my partner continues to go away on weekends. I can not even begin to describe the emotions I was feeling. The hurt, the suffocation, it was unbearable.
I was losing my mind. He wouldn't speak to me at all, instead look at me with disgust and hate. One weekend when he went away I decided to go through his computer and what I found was another stab to the heart. Naked pictures of him with other women in their beds along with other disgusting scenes I'd rather not say..
My entire world came crumbling down. He's not only cheated during my father's death when I needed him most but he'd been cheating for years.

He eventually stopped going away on the weekends come early May. We had a brief chat and decided to give things another go. I forgave but of course I can't forget.

I cannot trust him at all. I said that this would be a new start for us both but I'm really struggling to get past what I've seen and discovered. The images alone I can't get out of my head.. I find myself making digs at him and it's not fair on either of us.

Dealing with grief and a broken heart has completely broken me as person..

I feel so alone.. I visit my dad's grave often just to escape my everyday..

I love my partner very much but I don't think I'll ever trust him again. He's made me feel so dirty, completely violated.. But I desperately want things to work.

I guess I'm wondering what an outsider thinks of my situation..
X

You need to end this. Once trust is gone it's gone.

As an outsider I think you need to end this misery.

This guy doesn't like you and I don't see how he would suddenly become faithful???

I think end it and look after yourself.

I'm amazed you gave him another chance after all that! You need to get away from him. You and your kids deserve better.

Why on earth would you forgive him?! Tell him to get fucked and focus on yourself and give yourself time and space to grieve. Then when you're ready you can sort out your house/child maintenance.

^^ what they said.

Get some self respect and chuck him out

Oh OP. You need to end it with him and grieve for your father properly. Don't do the Pick Me Dance.

Sorry for your loss.

Blimey. Why would you give him another go when he’s acted this way? How can you feel any love at all for this man? Did he even talk to you at all about your dad dying? I just don’t even know what to say. This is one of the saddest and awful things I’ve read on this website and I’ve been here for years. Why? Why? Did he even explain or take ownership of what he’s been doing? You know he literally CANT go away to shag other women now don’t you because of the lockdown. He’s just using you!!! Jesus. Somebody else please talk some sense into this woman

Get rid of him ASAP, and then get some therapy so that you don't take this sort of crap from anyone again, sorry for your loss, you and your kids deserve so much better than this, but in the meantime you'll be better off alone

He sounds like an amazing man, you're so lucky.

Honestly, you don't need strangers on the internet to tell you what you already know. Get some support in real life, you've been through and are continuing to go through a very traumatic period in your life. You will get through it, take care of yourself above all else.

How is he with your relationship now? Is he truly sorry? Did he beg for another chance?Is he doing everything to try and make things work?

I am so sorry that you lost your father and found out about your husband’s outside interests.

I dont honestly think I could forgive the coldness, the lack of support or the cheating so I think if you want to move past all that then I would get expert help with therapy as I think the anger and disappointment and lack of trust will fester under the surface.

I would ask myself why I was staying in this marriage and whether it would be better to rip the plaster off now and quickly or gently tear it off over many years? I think of you are not careful you will end up splitting in a few years and look back at this time as a waste.

Why on earth did you forgive him?

Forgiveness needs to be earned, and he hasn’t even started to deserve it.

If you really want to make another go of it, you need to find a counsellor to help and he needs to be on bender knee asking for another chance

Why are you punishing yourself with this misery?
Because, as an outsider, staying with him when the trust is gone and he treats you with disdain and cruelty seems like a punishment to me. Do you want to be happy? Do you really think you will be if you continue the relationship? How long until he starts disappearing again, and looking at you with disgust and hate again?
What price will you pay to keep him? I dont think it is worth it.

What advice would you give a friend in your situation?

Never said this before....LTB

Were you living together? How did you just come to notice he was going away for weekends?

He’s obviously a disgusting man. The real worry is why you think you love him, forgave him or want him anywhere near you.

Please be kind to yourself. You're wasting your one, precious life on this man. Take your kids and go solo for a while.

As an outsider I think you are being an idiot. And were playing dumb for a long time, you knew what was going on.

You can't keep going with this. It is a rotten, long dead relationship and you need to find the self respect to leave. Preferably with your head held high.

Oh love no, why? I've been accused of being to soft on it as I do not automatically jump on the LTB bandwagon straight away but this is truly awful. At best you will forever live with anxiety over when it might happen again and at worst he will be straight back at it in a few months. Please please please start some counselling. This is one of the most awful posts I have read on here. The lack of respect for you make me feel genuinely queasy. Why do you feel you have to stay? Is it fear of being alone? Surly that would be a million times better than the state of anxiety you will now be living with for the foreseeable future.

Is he hoping that there was an inheritance? Has the ow finished with him? He is utterly vile

He's a literal piece of shit. You don't love him, it's just all tied up in your feelings of rejection and grief. You're clinging on to a shell of a memory.

Wanted to say so sorry about you dad.
As for your partner the loss of trust is one thing. Even more worrying for me is that he treated you astonishingly badly and with cruelty - by repeatedly and openly being unfaithful, abandoning your dcs also and repeatedly, expecting you all just to put up with it repeatedly, the silent treatment and the unforgivable behaviour at the time of your grief. Honestly breathtakingly cruel all round. He sounds a narcissist and I don’t say that often - have never said that of anyone in mn and boy I’ve read some awful things before.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your father
What would he tell you if he knew what this cheating scumbag man had done?!

"I desperately want things to work."
Why?? You don't have to tell us, but it's an important question to ask yourself, and possibly something you could explore in therapy.

Something has stopped you ending it when it's the obvious answer. So fix whatever that thing is. I do think some counselling would help as you've been through a hell of a lot.

I understand when people with children try to work past infidelity, but your situation does not sound salvageable.