Cheating partner outed during death of my father..

[Tam00]

Here goes nothing.. Where to start...

So.. I've been with my partner for 15 years now and the last year (2019) had been quite tough and rocky with us. We barely spoke and intimacy was very little. I'd been studying the last 2 years along with a full time job, our 2 boys to look after along with all the other daily duties and chores you can imagine so this didn't help our relationship either. Earlier this year (early February 2020) I noticed he kept going away for the weekends. He wouldn't answer my calls and no explanation when he'd come home. It was pretty obvious he'd started seeing someone else but of course when asked, I got the silent treatment completely. When he did decide to speak to me, he'd made up in his head that we weren't together anymore and so what he was doing wasn't cheating. Of course he never told me we were finished.
Anyway, this continued for some weeks, he continued to go away on weekends and I'd cry myself stupid.
One night gone midnight my sister rings me saying our dad had suffered a major stroke and doctors were unsure whether he'd, make it through the night and was told to go to hospital to be with our father ready to say goodbye. Of course this happened on a friday night, when my cheating partner had already gone for his shag fest weekend. So here I am wondering what the hell to do and who to leave our children with at 1 in the morning. I ring him and surprise surprise no answer. So I call my mother in law who I can always count on to come to mine to keep an eye on my sleeping boys while I rush to hospital.

8 days later my father passes away. During my grieving period my partner continues to go away on weekends. I can not even begin to describe the emotions I was feeling. The hurt, the suffocation, it was unbearable.
I was losing my mind. He wouldn't speak to me at all, instead look at me with disgust and hate. One weekend when he went away I decided to go through his computer and what I found was another stab to the heart. Naked pictures of him with other women in their beds along with other disgusting scenes I'd rather not say..
My entire world came crumbling down. He's not only cheated during my father's death when I needed him most but he'd been cheating for years.

He eventually stopped going away on the weekends come early May. We had a brief chat and decided to give things another go. I forgave but of course I can't forget.

I cannot trust him at all. I said that this would be a new start for us both but I'm really struggling to get past what I've seen and discovered. The images alone I can't get out of my head.. I find myself making digs at him and it's not fair on either of us.

Dealing with grief and a broken heart has completely broken me as person..

I feel so alone.. I visit my dad's grave often just to escape my everyday..

I love my partner very much but I don't think I'll ever trust him again. He's made me feel so dirty, completely violated.. But I desperately want things to work.

I guess I'm wondering what an outsider thinks of my situation..
X

Well said AcrossThePond.

Yes, I quite agree, Across. It took me years POST THE END of an abusive relationship to realise that it was so. At the time I just saw heartbreak and unhappiness and my own flaws. It was by no means a sudden revelation, I'm afraid.

I know one thing and that is that I want to be happy.. I want my children to be happy..

Everyone deserves happiness, I don't doubt that at all.

I will be looking into some counselling..

The advice I've received on here has been completely overwhelming not to mention an eye opener.. When someone says something to you often and for so long you end up believing it when it's mostly not true..
I have alot of soul searching to do..
I need to work on myself..

Thank you all for listening x

This is awful for you. You’ll never be happy until you end the relationship. You’ll be sad at first but you’ll get over it. Better that than being sad in the relationship. Would you think about going off with a guy if he wasnt putting out? No of course not. What he has done is unforgiveable in my view.

You are not meant to attend therapy with an abuser OP 🌺

I think the cheating is a red herring (still not acceptable and a deal breaker for me), but I wouldn't be able to get over his complete lack of support when you lost your dad. For me that is unforgivable. If you can't rely on your other half a my a time like that then when?

@AcrossthePond55 so true. There is no answer fairy. I was so paralysed for years even though i gave leaving or staying a lot of thought, constantly. I think the same anaesthetic numbness defense that got me through the minutes prevented me from having the energy to just take action. I was numb. Inert. I made lists. Pros of staying. Pros of leaving. But if the lists told me anything i was still paralysed. i was operating out of such a fearful placecat that point, and every con and every pro was processed through the lens of fear and a really low sense of adequacy.

Eventually i kind of flung myself out the door and went to the airport with a 12 hour press pause on my thoughts. I took action, finally, and just went knowing i didnt know what id think when i drew breath.

It was the hardest thing ive ever done. Leaving an abusive asshole should be easy but it is not.

@BlueThistles

You are not meant to attend therapy with an abuser OP 🌺

The counselling will be for me alone..

He's lost all respect for you...if he ever had any. His blatant cheating with his weekends away and you ignoring it gave him the power in your relationship.

He doesn't care.
He's not remorseful
He doesn't value you
He doesn't love you

His actions towards you are evidence of this, regardless of what he actually says.

Your relationship exists on his terms....and you need to take control back and not let him treat you like something on the sole if his shoes.

I took action, finally, and just went knowing i didnt know what id think when i drew breath.

@SnowyOwlWan Sometimes 'not knowing' is the most important thing you can know. And doing without knowing is the best thing you can do.

It's often enough to just know that you're unhappy and need to leave, knowing just exactly why you're unhappy isn't always important right then. And often, figuring out the reason for your unhappiness can't even happen until you're out of the situation and are happy because you are free. The new happy often makes reason for the old unhappy clear.

I don't even know if that makes sense. But I know it's true.

You don't love him, it's familiarity not love. He certainly doesn't love you. I left in January, someone I had been with since I was 16. More and more evidence that he is a complete psychopath who spent tens of thousands on other women over the years.

If you want to chat then PM me, but you don't know how happy you can be without him. When was the last time you were happy?

It's not very often do I read these threads of cheating partners and think wtf! But your post made me think wtf!

I mean he's shat on you from a massive height blatantly and you respond like you just had a few cross words.

You've hit such rock bottom that you've lost all sense of pride and self worth.

Kick the shit out of your house! Give your head a major wobble!

Let's face it, men have needs, and if those needs aren't met then they will go elsewhere.

Let me take a wild stab in the dark and surmise that he is the one who has told you this, OP, and not only this but a whole lot of other BS besides. You read not as the weak woman you likely see yourself as after he's screwed with your head for so many years, but as a woman who is utterly bereft, lacking in self-confidence and pretty much devoid of self-esteem. I agree with PPs that this makes heartbreaking reading.

You don't need me to point out that this just isn't true. Women have needs just as much as men do. But if (as your updates have hinted is the case) he's been pestering you for sex - well, you should read a few more threads on this site relating to that particular topic. There's nothing more guaranteed to clamp it shut than a leg-humping, arse-grabbing, sulking, whining sex pest. Biggest turnoff imaginable.

You've inventoried that you do, indeed have needs: the fulfilment of which a kind PP has pointed out are a prerequisite of any loving relationship. Had those needs been met you might have been far more eager to indulge your own sexual desires: that's quite apart from the fact that this 'man' has been putting it about elsewhere.

You poor woman. The dynamic of this relationship hints at someone totally cowed by an abusive, uncaring partner who has you convinced the issues in your relationship are all your fault. Here's something which should be an eye-opener to you: they're not. You ask in an update whether you deserve better? Of course you do. Currently, you couldn't hardly be receiving much worse.

To me, reading between the lines, all this augurs strongly of abuse. That moment when the scales fall from your eyes and you recognise this for what it is, is about the most painful revelation there is. It can take one hell of a long time to process this: to hold up a mirror to this reality, and to say 'yes, this has been my life. I recognise myself here'. But it's also liberating. It's your first step on your way to healing and rebuilding your self-esteem and respect.

I also recommend some therapy to help address these painful issues. And I'm so sorry about the death of your father

He will not gain respect for you for giving him another chance. And he clearly doesn't love you in a way that you deserve. You only get one life, be free and happy. And leave him to explain to his children for the cause of your marriage problems. Even they will lose respect for him. He is not a good role model to your children x

Why did you not confront the situation the first weekend away? What made you value yourself to low that he cheated on you for years, treated you appallingly and couldn't even be decent when your father died ...and you wanted him back ??? Why ???

I need to work on myself

You just need to learn self love and self acceptance. There is nothing wrong with you. You're just in a bad situation.

LTB. And get an STI test.

Let's face it, men have needs, and if those needs aren't met then they will go elsewhere.

OR he could have met YOUR needs- supporting you while you studied, worked full time, did everything for the children and when your DF passed away.
What was his role in the family? Working and shagging someone else

Your friends sound like they want you to LTB but don’t want to be the ones to say it if you’re staying with him.
Counselling isn’t to make you feel crazy but to help give you clarity that you don’t deserve to be told everything is your fault so he had to have sex with another woman. Even if something was your fault - doesn’t mean that he has to have sex for months with someone else! He chose to do this.

Doesn’t even sound like he’s sorry.

You don’t trust him, so you can’t love him. You just love the person he used to be.

You have outgrown him and this isn’t a relationship to model for your kids. They need to see respect at a minimum.

Kick him out and be the strong deserving person you’re meant to be.