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Original poster

Cheating partner outed during death of my father..

143 replies

Tam00 · 27/12/2020 22:38

Here goes nothing.. Where to start...

So.. I've been with my partner for 15 years now and the last year (2019) had been quite tough and rocky with us. We barely spoke and intimacy was very little. I'd been studying the last 2 years along with a full time job, our 2 boys to look after along with all the other daily duties and chores you can imagine so this didn't help our relationship either. Earlier this year (early February 2020) I noticed he kept going away for the weekends. He wouldn't answer my calls and no explanation when he'd come home. It was pretty obvious he'd started seeing someone else but of course when asked, I got the silent treatment completely. When he did decide to speak to me, he'd made up in his head that we weren't together anymore and so what he was doing wasn't cheating. Of course he never told me we were finished.
Anyway, this continued for some weeks, he continued to go away on weekends and I'd cry myself stupid.
One night gone midnight my sister rings me saying our dad had suffered a major stroke and doctors were unsure whether he'd, make it through the night and was told to go to hospital to be with our father ready to say goodbye. Of course this happened on a friday night, when my cheating partner had already gone for his shag fest weekend. So here I am wondering what the hell to do and who to leave our children with at 1 in the morning. I ring him and surprise surprise no answer. So I call my mother in law who I can always count on to come to mine to keep an eye on my sleeping boys while I rush to hospital.

8 days later my father passes away. During my grieving period my partner continues to go away on weekends. I can not even begin to describe the emotions I was feeling. The hurt, the suffocation, it was unbearable.
I was losing my mind. He wouldn't speak to me at all, instead look at me with disgust and hate. One weekend when he went away I decided to go through his computer and what I found was another stab to the heart. Naked pictures of him with other women in their beds along with other disgusting scenes I'd rather not say..
My entire world came crumbling down. He's not only cheated during my father's death when I needed him most but he'd been cheating for years.

He eventually stopped going away on the weekends come early May. We had a brief chat and decided to give things another go. I forgave but of course I can't forget.

I cannot trust him at all. I said that this would be a new start for us both but I'm really struggling to get past what I've seen and discovered. The images alone I can't get out of my head.. I find myself making digs at him and it's not fair on either of us.

Dealing with grief and a broken heart has completely broken me as person..

I feel so alone.. I visit my dad's grave often just to escape my everyday..

I love my partner very much but I don't think I'll ever trust him again. He's made me feel so dirty, completely violated.. But I desperately want things to work.

I guess I'm wondering what an outsider thinks of my situation..
X

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 27/12/2020 23:01

How could you just notice that he was going away for weekends ??

Hailtomyteeth · 27/12/2020 23:03

There's nothing left in this relationship for you, other than pain. Please let him go.

anothernc4you · 27/12/2020 23:06

Get out ASAP.

ChristmasJumpers · 27/12/2020 23:07

Cheating is bad enough, especially for so long. But treating you that way while you said goodbye to your dad and grieved for him? There is no excuse for that and I for one couldn't forgive it. You wouldn't treat anyone badly while they lost a parent, never mind someone you love or care for (or the mother of your children even if the love is gone). He sounds terrible and his behaviour is unforgiveable.

Unreasonabubble · 27/12/2020 23:08

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad.

I am also really sorry to hear that you do not value yourself enough to tell this Wanker to sling his hook. You are NOT there to be the one to keep his penis warm until he finds another woman to shag. And you know that it is just moments away...

Please, please, please get rid of him.

kursaalflyer · 27/12/2020 23:11

You're too soft. Going away every weekend? Why didn't he ever spend time with his own children? Also during a pandemic he obviously didn't care about his family. Why on earth would you want him? He's shown you that he has absolutely no love or respect for you especially when you desperately needed him. Has he ever apologised for that? Please work on your self-respect and show him out. He won't change, he'll just hide it better next time.

thefourgp · 27/12/2020 23:11

You sound like you have zero confidence. I’m guessing he’s all you’ve ever known? His contempt and hatred for you has been accepted by you. Please don’t let your children continue to think this is what a healthy relationship looks like. You need to speak with women’s aid to get support and guidance to end your relationship. Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life?

Hanbam · 27/12/2020 23:11

This is so hard, and you know you probably should end it right now but nothing is that simple. Just remember, you can leave ANYTIME you want. He’s not your friend he doesn’t care about you like you cared for him. The chances are now you’ll end up apart now it’s such a betrayal. Just know that you can leave anytime and it’s never going to be your fault.

EmilyInParis · 27/12/2020 23:16

I'm so sorry about your dad OP.

This bastard needs to be shown the door though. He has no respect for you, and you are wasting your life every second you stay with the complete arsehole.

cakecakecheese · 27/12/2020 23:21

Read through your post as if it was someone else, Imagine how outraged you'd be on that person's behalf. That's how you should be feeling for yourself.

frazzledasarock · 27/12/2020 23:22

Get a sexual health check.

Have a trial separation.

Get legal advice (are you married?).

If you get an inheritance make sure he gets nothing from it.

You need time to get clarity and grieve and gather your self back together.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

SnowyOwlWan · 27/12/2020 23:22

omg, this outsider thinks you've been through a lot, but that you will be better off when this relationship ends.

Please sort it out. Make it officially over.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2020 23:23

LTB

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2020 23:23

Get an STI test. I couldn’t even look at mine if he did this. How can you still love him after what he’s done?! I’d be vomiting on him.

HollyGenneroMcClane · 27/12/2020 23:25

Shat the actual fuck op? He doesnt even like you! Get rid of him.

Sparklfairy · 27/12/2020 23:25

So the other woman dumped him, which is why he came back to you.

I'm so sorry about your dad. You deserve better than this.

OzziePopPop · 27/12/2020 23:27

You ‘had a brief chat’ and got back together?! I’d have wanted months of talking, trust building etc IF I’d bothered at all! No wonder you don’t trust him, he’s given you no reason to!

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/12/2020 23:28

I'm at a loss for words.

He despises you, and you take him back? It won't work, ever.

I'd also be suspicious about his motives, did the other woman/women finish with him and now he has nowhere to live?

Sniffing around for a possible inheritance?

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/12/2020 23:32

He's garbage but you know this anyway....

Cheating trash aside I don't like the dynamics of your relationship one bit, it has undertones of abuse.

Are you scared of him, or are you that lacking in self esteem that you can't/dare not speak up???

ExpulsoCorona · 27/12/2020 23:34

This isn't benefiting your children you know. You mentioned that you have boys, do you want them to grow up thinking this is how men should treat women? All women are doormats?

You can do this alone. You are enough. You are worthy. This is not your fault, you don't deserve this. Get the hell out of this relationship and get some counselling so that you can learn how to be yourself again.

Sorry for your losses x

VetiverAndLavender · 27/12/2020 23:39

I don't see how you can love someone who's treated you this way. He's a disgusting excuse for a man. I'd find a way to get him out of my life as quickly and as thoroughly as possible.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 27/12/2020 23:39

So sorry about the loss of your father.

Your cheating partner us completely separate though. Op, the doesn’t like or respect you let alone love you. Whatever reason he’s back with you it’s because it’s suits his agenda, not because he wants you unconditionally.

Please read some good books on dating, relationships and breaking up. Honestly we have all done it and frankly it’s a million times easier on your own than in an unhappy relationship. Make the choice to be happy Op.

dyslek · 27/12/2020 23:39

Can you say what it is exactly that you love about your relationship with this man?
Sadly the chances of this relationship lasting are almost zero, luckly once its finally over you will very soon realise how much better off you are with out the dead weight.

MrsGulDukat · 27/12/2020 23:40

He cheated on you and failed you massively when you needed him the most.

You'll never be able to trust him or feel that you can rely him again. That wont make for a good relationship when your partner should be your strongest ally.

Dont trade your dignity and self worth for someone who has zero love and respect for you.

Stillfunny · 27/12/2020 23:42

I may be someone who actually understands how you feel. I discovered a second phone which proved my DH had cheated on me more than once. Just as I was absorbing the knowledge , I too had a death in the family. Then the pandemic.
It is all too much for me to cope with at the moment . To begin to divorce, I think you need to be in a better head space. If you can , get counselling to help you navigate your way through this all. But I would definitely ask him to leave and tell him you are not able to forgive or forget what he has done.
The acts themselves hurt, I know. But the disrespect , uncaring and callous way he treats you are themselves alone a good enough reason to get rid of him . You might love the idea of him , but he is despicable and unlikeable.
And I am sure your dear father and family would not want you to continue in this situation.