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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating partner outed during death of my father..

143 replies

Tam00 · 27/12/2020 22:38

Here goes nothing.. Where to start...

So.. I've been with my partner for 15 years now and the last year (2019) had been quite tough and rocky with us. We barely spoke and intimacy was very little. I'd been studying the last 2 years along with a full time job, our 2 boys to look after along with all the other daily duties and chores you can imagine so this didn't help our relationship either. Earlier this year (early February 2020) I noticed he kept going away for the weekends. He wouldn't answer my calls and no explanation when he'd come home. It was pretty obvious he'd started seeing someone else but of course when asked, I got the silent treatment completely. When he did decide to speak to me, he'd made up in his head that we weren't together anymore and so what he was doing wasn't cheating. Of course he never told me we were finished.
Anyway, this continued for some weeks, he continued to go away on weekends and I'd cry myself stupid.
One night gone midnight my sister rings me saying our dad had suffered a major stroke and doctors were unsure whether he'd, make it through the night and was told to go to hospital to be with our father ready to say goodbye. Of course this happened on a friday night, when my cheating partner had already gone for his shag fest weekend. So here I am wondering what the hell to do and who to leave our children with at 1 in the morning. I ring him and surprise surprise no answer. So I call my mother in law who I can always count on to come to mine to keep an eye on my sleeping boys while I rush to hospital.

8 days later my father passes away. During my grieving period my partner continues to go away on weekends. I can not even begin to describe the emotions I was feeling. The hurt, the suffocation, it was unbearable.
I was losing my mind. He wouldn't speak to me at all, instead look at me with disgust and hate. One weekend when he went away I decided to go through his computer and what I found was another stab to the heart. Naked pictures of him with other women in their beds along with other disgusting scenes I'd rather not say..
My entire world came crumbling down. He's not only cheated during my father's death when I needed him most but he'd been cheating for years.

He eventually stopped going away on the weekends come early May. We had a brief chat and decided to give things another go. I forgave but of course I can't forget.

I cannot trust him at all. I said that this would be a new start for us both but I'm really struggling to get past what I've seen and discovered. The images alone I can't get out of my head.. I find myself making digs at him and it's not fair on either of us.

Dealing with grief and a broken heart has completely broken me as person..

I feel so alone.. I visit my dad's grave often just to escape my everyday..

I love my partner very much but I don't think I'll ever trust him again. He's made me feel so dirty, completely violated.. But I desperately want things to work.

I guess I'm wondering what an outsider thinks of my situation..
X

OP posts:
Downunderduchess · 28/12/2020 01:30

The first thing I thought was that the other woman broke up with him & that’s the only reason why he is willing to stay with you. He sounds vile. Not a good human being.

KarmaNoMore · 28/12/2020 01:36

He is waiting for the inheritance. You need to let him go, not to save the inheritance as he already has a claim to it (you were married at the time it became evident you will get one in the short medium/term), but to save yourself. You cannot love him if you can’t trust him, you are just afraid of change. It is not that bad out there, honest.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2020 01:41

@KarmaNoMore

He is waiting for the inheritance. You need to let him go, not to save the inheritance as he already has a claim to it (you were married at the time it became evident you will get one in the short medium/term), but to save yourself. You cannot love him if you can’t trust him, you are just afraid of change. It is not that bad out there, honest.
Where does it say they were married?

I agree he's hanging around for money, but if not married he can whistle.

OP, there is nothing, NOTHING to love about this man.

Get rid.

hellolittlebaby · 28/12/2020 07:00

As an outsider, I am struggling to see why you didn't have the locks changed the minutely I suspected him of cheating.

There is not even a 1% chance I'd have took him back if I were in your shoes.

Diddlysquatty · 28/12/2020 07:51

As an outsider looking at the situation I’m amazed that you put up with him going away for the weekends when you knew/suspected he was seeing someone else.
Am surprised you let him come back to the house after the weekend away? Did you not consider calling him out on it and refusing to let him come back after going away?
It makes me wonder if you have low self esteem/low standards for yourself. You and your boys are worth so much more. Did they not ask their dad where he was every weekend?

AlwaysCheddar · 28/12/2020 07:59

Kick him out! The trust is gone. He’s a liar, a cheat, doesn’t give a shit about you.

Oreservoir · 28/12/2020 08:33

You need to leave for your own self esteem.
If you are getting an inheritance then get legal advice and don’t give your dp any access to the money.

Original poster
Tam00 · 28/12/2020 08:36

Wow the response on here is something to say the least..

He doesn't show much remorse actually, in fact anytime I want answers he gets annoyed most of the time which says alot. However we did talk about why he suddenly stopped going away. He said he realised he still loved me. I'm not convinced though.

In terms of other women in the past, he said it was just physical because I wasn't putting out.. Our intimacy eventually became like a chore and I dreaded each time therefore would avoid it as much as I could resulting in very little intimacy. He would always moan about not being intimate enough too which just made me feel more pressured. He says this drove him to other women. Disgusting, I know!

He's the only man I've loved. I've been with him since my teens and I'm in my 30's now.

It's easy to say get rid but doing it is another thing completely. The breakdown of our relationship wasn't all him, I neglected him too over the years but I know this is no excuse to what he has done to me. Let's face it, men have needs, and if those needs aren't met then they will go elsewhere.. Atleast he did.

Don't worry, I've had myself tested and all clear luckily. Also, no inheritance for the time being and when the time comes it won't be much at all. Certainly not worth hanging around for. My partner has the money and means to stay elsewhere.

Thank you for all your advice. I appreciate the responses.
It seems I have some changes to make.
X

OP posts:
Toocold · 28/12/2020 08:37

I think maybe you’re thinking he is someone who you fell in love with, he isn’t that person, he has shown you who he really is and is currently taking advantage of your vulnerability. If your child was being treated like this what would you say to them?

I am very sorry about your dad x

Toocold · 28/12/2020 08:40

In addition to what I have said above not all men would stray, decent men would realise there was an issue and work on it, it’s an excuse and how would he feel if you did the same? Personally if he was my husband he would be long gone, they way he treats you is what your children will expect from partners in years to come, they deserve better as do you.

middleager · 28/12/2020 08:45

Please end this for your own sanity, to ease your agony.

I'm sorry for all you've been through, but this man is truly awful.

You deserve so much better and I'm struggling to see why you put up with it all. Every person on here can see what he's like, so please listen.

Original poster
Tam00 · 28/12/2020 08:47

His issue was always the intimacy and lack of but the more pressure he put on me the more I hated the thought of it. I wasn't always like this, just the last couple years took a toll on me with studying and working full-time not to mention being a mum and everything else. Sex was at the bottom of my list!!

I look at him most nights when he's sleeping wondering how he looks in the mirror and goes about his day..

I struggle to sleep, I eat when I want, if I want. My children seem happy now they're dad is around again. I want to be happy but I'm struggling to get past the infidelity. Some days are better than others.

Friends have all suggested counselling but it just makes me feel like a crazy person..

OP posts:
SatsumasOrClementines · 28/12/2020 08:48

Let's face it, men have needs, and if those needs aren't met then they will go elsewhere.
Only the shit ones.

SatsumasOrClementines · 28/12/2020 09:00

I’m sorry for your loss. A close relative of mine died in a similar way. My family and I basically lived at the hospital while it happened.

My DP stayed almost the whole time; making teas and coffees for everyone, sitting and waiting, sleeping in a chair outside the room.

My DS has children, so BIL couldn’t be there; but instead he was at home looking after the children so that she could be there without worrying about them.

Aside from the fact it was cheating: You needed your DP and he chose sex over being there for you when your father was dying. And you’re still with this man?

lilylongjohn · 28/12/2020 09:02

You need to get some self respect and leave the twat

Crowsandshivers · 28/12/2020 09:05

Please leave him. For you. You will always resent him and he is making you miserable. You need to move on and find a decent man for you and your children. He isn't going to stay faithful forever if he has cheated on you for so long. I'm sorry about your loss.

Freysimo · 28/12/2020 09:06

Twenty years ago, two months after my father had died I discovered my husband had been having an affair for four months. I had noticed he was rather distant when my dad died and just put it down to my own grief.

I am an only child, and my mother had already died so I felt very alone and not in the right frame of mind to make big decisions like divorce. I wish I had even strong enough. We are still together and its been very hard for me. The affair ended but the trust was gone.

AnotherEmma · 28/12/2020 09:17

"Friends have all suggested counselling but it just makes me feel like a crazy person.."

You think getting counselling would make you a "crazy person"? Hmm

I think staying with him makes you a crazy person, personally.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 09:24

Friends have all suggested counselling but it just makes me feel like a crazy person..

Would you think that about a friend? If they were going through this and went to counselling, would you think they were crazy and view them negatively?

Or would you think they were just trying to help themselves work through the issue for their wellbeing?

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

DianaT1969 · 28/12/2020 09:25

You stuck your head in the sand for a couple of years and silently watched him leaving each weekend to sleep with someone else. Whatever his motivation is for staying now is actually irrelevant. You are passively sleep walking through your life. You aren't attracted to him, and you haven't been for years. You know he can be cruelly cold towards you. You know that you won't ever trust him or undo what you saw in the photos. You know that when you are older and the children have left home, that this isn't a man who will stick around in sickness and in health.
The only question is when you'll take control of your life and look for someone better. It might be 2021 or it might be 2031. It will happen one day.

LadyGAgain · 28/12/2020 09:35

He's not a partner. He's a bastard. You need to leave.

Original poster
Tam00 · 28/12/2020 10:20

I can't even express how I feel most days. I'm literally tearing up as I type this. I know it seems impossible to still feel something for this man but I guess it's because I feel somewhat responsible for what he's done..

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 10:25

Counselling is a good suggestion. Either alone or together.

It will give you clarity and direction - whatever you end up doing. Flowers

HeronLanyon · 28/12/2020 10:30

Tam - sending you a stranger’s support.
Even if you are right and lack of intimacy was a problem - the way he dealt with that problem is solely down to him. He had choices - to face things maybe even leave you etc.
One choice he took was to have affair/s. A further choice he took was to be cruel,nastily cruel to you. Neither of those choice which he took and subjected you to were anything to do with you and certainly not your responsibility.
Imagine a world where he spoke to you said he was unhappy helped you and he to regain intimacy or if not possible behaved honourably and chose to leave you rather than all of this absolutely awful cruel behaviour. You aren’t responsible for how unpleasant he is.
Good luck. You’ve been through a lot. Be gentle on yourself and take things slowly. Put yourself and your dcs and your family first - not him.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 28/12/2020 10:32

However we did talk about why he suddenly stopped going away. He said he realised he still loved me. I'm not convinced though

More like his bit in the side ended it.
He shows NO love for you. He’s treated you like dirt.