Here goes nothing.. Where to start...
So.. I've been with my partner for 15 years now and the last year (2019) had been quite tough and rocky with us. We barely spoke and intimacy was very little. I'd been studying the last 2 years along with a full time job, our 2 boys to look after along with all the other daily duties and chores you can imagine so this didn't help our relationship either. Earlier this year (early February 2020) I noticed he kept going away for the weekends. He wouldn't answer my calls and no explanation when he'd come home. It was pretty obvious he'd started seeing someone else but of course when asked, I got the silent treatment completely. When he did decide to speak to me, he'd made up in his head that we weren't together anymore and so what he was doing wasn't cheating. Of course he never told me we were finished.
Anyway, this continued for some weeks, he continued to go away on weekends and I'd cry myself stupid.
One night gone midnight my sister rings me saying our dad had suffered a major stroke and doctors were unsure whether he'd, make it through the night and was told to go to hospital to be with our father ready to say goodbye. Of course this happened on a friday night, when my cheating partner had already gone for his shag fest weekend. So here I am wondering what the hell to do and who to leave our children with at 1 in the morning. I ring him and surprise surprise no answer. So I call my mother in law who I can always count on to come to mine to keep an eye on my sleeping boys while I rush to hospital.
8 days later my father passes away. During my grieving period my partner continues to go away on weekends. I can not even begin to describe the emotions I was feeling. The hurt, the suffocation, it was unbearable.
I was losing my mind. He wouldn't speak to me at all, instead look at me with disgust and hate. One weekend when he went away I decided to go through his computer and what I found was another stab to the heart. Naked pictures of him with other women in their beds along with other disgusting scenes I'd rather not say..
My entire world came crumbling down. He's not only cheated during my father's death when I needed him most but he'd been cheating for years.
He eventually stopped going away on the weekends come early May. We had a brief chat and decided to give things another go. I forgave but of course I can't forget.
I cannot trust him at all. I said that this would be a new start for us both but I'm really struggling to get past what I've seen and discovered. The images alone I can't get out of my head.. I find myself making digs at him and it's not fair on either of us.
Dealing with grief and a broken heart has completely broken me as person..
I feel so alone.. I visit my dad's grave often just to escape my everyday..
I love my partner very much but I don't think I'll ever trust him again. He's made me feel so dirty, completely violated.. But I desperately want things to work.
I guess I'm wondering what an outsider thinks of my situation..
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