Cheating partner outed during death of my father..

[Tam00]

Here goes nothing.. Where to start...

So.. I've been with my partner for 15 years now and the last year (2019) had been quite tough and rocky with us. We barely spoke and intimacy was very little. I'd been studying the last 2 years along with a full time job, our 2 boys to look after along with all the other daily duties and chores you can imagine so this didn't help our relationship either. Earlier this year (early February 2020) I noticed he kept going away for the weekends. He wouldn't answer my calls and no explanation when he'd come home. It was pretty obvious he'd started seeing someone else but of course when asked, I got the silent treatment completely. When he did decide to speak to me, he'd made up in his head that we weren't together anymore and so what he was doing wasn't cheating. Of course he never told me we were finished.
Anyway, this continued for some weeks, he continued to go away on weekends and I'd cry myself stupid.
One night gone midnight my sister rings me saying our dad had suffered a major stroke and doctors were unsure whether he'd, make it through the night and was told to go to hospital to be with our father ready to say goodbye. Of course this happened on a friday night, when my cheating partner had already gone for his shag fest weekend. So here I am wondering what the hell to do and who to leave our children with at 1 in the morning. I ring him and surprise surprise no answer. So I call my mother in law who I can always count on to come to mine to keep an eye on my sleeping boys while I rush to hospital.

8 days later my father passes away. During my grieving period my partner continues to go away on weekends. I can not even begin to describe the emotions I was feeling. The hurt, the suffocation, it was unbearable.
I was losing my mind. He wouldn't speak to me at all, instead look at me with disgust and hate. One weekend when he went away I decided to go through his computer and what I found was another stab to the heart. Naked pictures of him with other women in their beds along with other disgusting scenes I'd rather not say..
My entire world came crumbling down. He's not only cheated during my father's death when I needed him most but he'd been cheating for years.

He eventually stopped going away on the weekends come early May. We had a brief chat and decided to give things another go. I forgave but of course I can't forget.

I cannot trust him at all. I said that this would be a new start for us both but I'm really struggling to get past what I've seen and discovered. The images alone I can't get out of my head.. I find myself making digs at him and it's not fair on either of us.

Dealing with grief and a broken heart has completely broken me as person..

I feel so alone.. I visit my dad's grave often just to escape my everyday..

I love my partner very much but I don't think I'll ever trust him again. He's made me feel so dirty, completely violated.. But I desperately want things to work.

I guess I'm wondering what an outsider thinks of my situation..
X

@HeronLanyon

Tam - sending you a stranger’s support. Even if you are right and lack of intimacy was a problem - the way he dealt with that problem is solely down to him. He had choices - to face things maybe even leave you etc. One choice he took was to have affair/s. A further choice he took was to be cruel,nastily cruel to you. Neither of those choice which he took and subjected you to were anything to do with you and certainly not your responsibility. Imagine a world where he spoke to you said he was unhappy helped you and he to regain intimacy or if not possible behaved honourably and chose to leave you rather than all of this absolutely awful cruel behaviour. You aren’t responsible for how unpleasant he is. Good luck. You’ve been through a lot. Be gentle on yourself and take things slowly. Put yourself and your dcs and your family first - not him.

He was never the type to talk about feelings and this goes back to when we first met. Just trying to get answers about his affairs was like trying to draw blood out of a stone.. He does not like talking about anything that he's done.. Guess that's his way of getting off lightly although it's pretty clear he's been getting off completely the last few years!

I want to be happy, I really do and I want that with him. Some or most may think it's impossible to make it work and they may just be right but I'd like to think we can do this..

Going back 5 or 6 years I actually called time on our relationship cos of the pressure he put on me for alot of things and he literally begged me for another chance. I broke him as a man, he would cry to me begging to make things work and he even suggested couples counselling which I agreed to and did for around 3months. It was ok, things got better for a while actually but it never lasted.. That's when intimacy took a massive toll. Then of course I started working, followed by studying..

And now this..

I feel massive guilt towards my father.. Not spending enough time with him. Although I was there till the very end when he passed. I hate that all this happened at once. This is where I'm struggling to process things. Sometimes I just want to be held and told everything will be okay. My partner isn't very affectionate at all. And this is what I struggle with also. Sex he has no problem with but genuine affection is something else and actually hes always been like this.

But after working and meeting new people and seeing how affectionate their partners are with them just makes me so sad. I want that too.. Surely I deserve that..

"Going back 5 or 6 years I actually called time on our relationship cos of the pressure he put on me for alot of things and he literally begged me for another chance. I broke him as a man"

You broke him as a man?
He's been manipulating you for years and years and you've been falling for it all this time.
What kind of pressure did he put on you about what kind of things?

The more I read the more I think he might be emotionally abusive. Have a read of these links and see if anything sounds familiar.
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

You decided to try again after this? I am literally totally speechless. For God's sake divorce this cretin now.

@SatsumasOrClementines

Let's face it, men have needs, and if those needs aren't met then they will go elsewhere.

Only the shit ones.

This.

Please get some self respect, therapy and a divorce.

Think about what you want and need in a partner. Someone who shows affection. Someone who supports you when you are carrying a load like work+kids+study. Someone who is there for you in a life crisis like a bereavement. Someone who is faithful to you. Someone who like everyone else, makes mistakes but learns from them, is contrite and works hard to repair the hurt.

Does he fit the bill? None of the above is asking too much.

seeing how affectionate their partners are with them just makes me so sad. I want that too.. Surely I deserve that..

yes, of course you do.

Bloody hell, OP, this is heartbreaking to read. It seems to me as though this man has 'broken' you, to be perfectly honest. You deserve happiness, respect, compassion, affection. You deserve honesty, kindness, support, reliability. Those are just the basic conditions of a good relationship.

@ArabellaScott

seeing how affectionate their partners are with them just makes me so sad. I want that too.. Surely I deserve that..

yes, of course you do.

Bloody hell, OP, this is heartbreaking to read. It seems to me as though this man has 'broken' you, to be perfectly honest. You deserve happiness, respect, compassion, affection. You deserve honesty, kindness, support, reliability. Those are just the basic conditions of a good relationship.

I don't even know what to say anymore. The responses from everyone have been completely overwhelming..

😞

of course you deserve that but youve been abused so long you dont think you do anymore or he doesnt think you do

I'm sorry. Have you got support, friends or family you can talk to?

@ArabellaScott

I'm sorry. Have you got support, friends or family you can talk to?

I do however I don't like talking to family about this as they are still grieving for our father and I don't want to burden anyone with all this. They have enough to deal with.

Friends I've spoken to about it briefly and they pretty much said what everyone else on here has said along with counselling.

With this pandemic, I doubt doctors would be concerned much about my mental state 😞

I just feel so ashamed about it all...
I feel like it's all my fault.

You deserve so much more. And you know you do. You are just so ground down by him you tolerate the situation.
I'm so sorry about your dad. Now isnt the time to make life changes. But you can be happy without him.

My ex was the same. I drove him to ow because I didn't want sex every day and he pestered and then it became a vicious circle. I had four years of broken sleep with our dd. An he never stepped in to give me a lie in or a night off. I was on my knees.

He did me a favour leaving. Although like you I fought for the family unit because it was safe and predictable. Although I hated the example we were setting the children. I wanted better for their relationships.

Several years down the line I now see this is so much better for me and the children. It has been emotionally very difficult for me. I wanted the family unit to work but it was at a price of being treated like rubbish.

Just keep notes of his behaviour and your feelings. Get some advice. Knowledge is power and when you feel stronger think long and hard about your options.

I guess it's because I feel somewhat responsible for what he's done

I just feel so ashamed about it all...
I feel like it's all my fault

Fucking hell OP he's done a right number on you hasn't he? What a repulsive specimen.

Are you scared of him, or are you that lacking in self esteem that you can't/dare not speak up???

I need to ask you this again.

@Closetbeanmuncher

I guess it's because I feel somewhat responsible for what he's done

I just feel so ashamed about it all...
I feel like it's all my fault

Fucking hell OP he's done a right number on you hasn't he? What a repulsive specimen.

He's done TWO numbers and a tap dance!

@Tam00 Please carefully re-read your posts and pay attention to the number of times you have accepted fault for things he has chosen to do. Think about whether or not you'd accept someone dear to you accepting the blame for the same things.

You also need to realize that a decent partner (because unequal desire happens on both sides) does not cheat because their partner doesn't 'put out enough' (vile phrase). A decent partner speaks openly and honestly and with compassion about how the two of them might work together to hopefully create an intimate life that is right for both of them. And If for some reason that can't or doesn't happen, then a decent partner will leave the relationship in a way that allows both members of the couple to retain their dignity and pride.

As far as speaking to a family member, is it fear of burdening a family member or is it your pride that's stopping you? Because even if I was in grief, I'd still have a listening heart for a loved one in crisis.

And as far as seeking counseling making someone 'look crazy', that attitude went out in the 1950s. Educate yourself and then seek counseling.

I just feel so ashamed about it all...
I feel like it's all my fault.

Oh, OP.

This, too, is at least partly a result of a man gaslighting you, treating you like shit for years. It's not your fault. But you are the one who can change it, and is able to change it, has to make a start to change it.

Please find a way to put yourself top of a list, somehow.

Your family are still there for you.

Doctors are still there for you.

You matter, and you deserve to be happy.

Mental health support is still out there - not always easy to find, granted, but there are several agencies/organisations set up to listen and offer support.

MIND is one. Women's Aid might be worth trying. Samaritans.

Your GP can signpost you to counselling or therapy.

What you do in your relationship is entirely your own decision, of course. Maybe worth taking some time to have a think about it. Does it make you happy? Can it, will it make you happy?

Sending you and .

The shame is his, not yours.

Have a think about what your beloved father would want for you in this situation. Then do that.

Sorry for your loss and the bad time you have been having. You DH is a cunt - kick him out and find someone who will have your back when life gets hard.

This is one of the worst threads I've read.
There's no coming back from this.
Cut him free and watch him fall.

So sorry for the loss of your dad.

Dear OP. One day - it might be tomorrow, next week, month, decade, you'll realise you don't want to feel like how you're feeling now. Your love for your husband will have disappeared completely. Don't worry about pushing yourself to act right now. When the time comes, it will have come and you will do what you feel is necessary. One day you will put yourself first and that will be completely right and okay. Sending you lots of love x

@OhDearMuriel

This is one of the worst threads I've read. There's no coming back from this. Cut him free and watch him fall.

So sorry for the loss of your dad.

I still struggle to believe that this has happened to me.. You here about it happening to others but you never think it'll happen to yourself..

Here I am, it's well and truly happened..

@IveNameChangedAgain2020

Dear OP. One day - it might be tomorrow, next week, month, decade, you'll realise you don't want to feel like how you're feeling now. Your love for your husband will have disappeared completely. Don't worry about pushing yourself to act right now. When the time comes, it will have come and you will do what you feel is necessary. One day you will put yourself first and that will be completely right and okay. Sending you lots of love x

I appreciate the kind words. It's still a very tough time and a day by day process..

You're not the first to tell me that I'll wake up from this one day and know what to do and have the strength to do it..

X

I can't believe your allowing him carte blanch to have affairs whilst you wait patiently at home to forgive him every single time.. because that's what you have done OP..

this is very painful reading... you need to find your self respect and your dignity and cut this disgusting cheating unfaithful cretin loose..

I literally cannot believe what I am reading...

AND to make matters worse... you are accepting responsibility for all his flaws.. you're writing about everything being your fault... OMG

You're not the first to tell me that I'll wake up from this one day and know what to do and have the strength to do it.

I'm afraid I disagree. Making this decision takes a lot of soul searching and deep honesty about what you want and expect of a partner. It takes wide open eyes taking a good hard look at your marriage. It may take counseling, it may take a lot of hard conversations with loved ones.

It doesn't take shoving it to the back of your mind and ignoring it and thinking that the 'answer fairy' is going to bonk you on the head one day and say 'Here's your answer'.

That 'wake up one day' is actually the realization one has after a lot of hard work.