Are you 'allowed' to feel ill?

[inghaly]

Yesterday I didn't feel too good. I had a splitting headache and felt really tired and nauseous.

I'd just finished preparing dinner and it was cooking in the oven. I needed to sit down for 10 minutes.

As soon as i sat down I told dp I didn't feel too well.

His reply was:' you were ok a minute ago'

Me: no, I've felt ill in the kitchen too.

We sat for 5 minutes and I could see he was getting restless.

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

Me: I just need 10 minutes of rest then I will do it.

Dp: it can't wait really.

Me: please, just let me rest. My head is really hurting and I feel dizzy too.

We sit for about 1 minute then dp stands up in a huff.

Dp: I'll fucking do it then. I've been busy all day, but don't worry I'll do the housework too.

Me: I said if I could rest for 10 minutes then I'll do it.

He goes into the kitchen.

Less than a minute later.

Dp; where's X,Y,Z ?. How do I do this? I need help out here really.

So I get up and help. It was nothing that couldn't wait until we'd eaten and rested.

This isn't the only time. Whenever I'm ill it's always the same. I can't be ill because there's things that need doing!

Dh does competitive illness. He claimed last month he’d caught my stomach bug as he had stomach cramps abd headache like I’d said I had. I handed him the box of tampons. As mine was caused by pms.

I've come down with a snotty head cold. Yesterday I was prepping roast veg to go with the last of the Christmas duck when I sort of exploded in snotty sneezes.

DH put the kettle on, made me a lemsip with extra lemon juice and propped me up on the sofa with the dog and a blanket.

He finished making tea, including a really nice gravy, OK, he balked at custard but we'll have that pudding tonight instead!

Kitchen was cleaned and tidied, bins emptied and breakfast in bed offered this morning. Luckily I feel much better, though the dog and I are still wrapped up on the sofa!

Until I started posting here, about 8 years ago, I didn't think that this was unusual!

He is a selfish arsehole. My XH used to do this (note the EX) and the only way I could get any peace was by "taking to my bed"

What was the rush?!

He sounds awful

Yeah, I wouldn’t say I get buckets of sympathy but I get left to it if I’m ill. I don’t need much sympathy and I also very rarely get actually ill. DP wouldn’t ever say he felt ill too or anything like that, I genuinely absolutely would not be able to live with that.

@Rollinggreenhills are we married to the same person? I had a very traumatic c section and stayed in for 9 days with our special care baby. I was every 2 hours to feed/change her, actually moved into the special care unit to be with her whilst still recovering (I actually ripped my a little from stitched overdoing it) and pumping to. What did DH do - moaned about the 45 minute drive, feeding the cat and how tired he was. I'm struggling to move on and not kill him TBH.

It’s funny you should mention this @Nettleskeins.
My nan spent 2 years in a sanitarium when she was small.
Anytime my nan was ill, my grandfather would be the doting husband, when she was in hospital he would visit her every day twice a day, despite not being in the best of health himself.

However when my gramps was ill, she’d be a right cow, wouldn’t visit him every day when he was in hospital.
Even the day he died, she was shouting at him calling him all sorts as he hadn’t got up by 12pm... when she finally went into check on him, he’d passed away.

Classic Narcissist tactic. They can not cope when their partner is ill. This used to happen to me with my ex.
Check out Dr Ramanis YouTube videos you may see some other behaviours that you recognise.

I'm so glad to be single. Some of you are married to people who don't care about you they only care about what you can do for them.

It's sad to read.

Being ill affects him more? Is he mad?? Stop doing a scrap for him, he sounds like a total pita.

Fuck him! He sounds like a complete and utter arsehole!!

I've manage to come down with a cold. I have NO idea how as we're masking up constantly and haven't been around people but hey ho. It's happened.

DH has noticed. All by himself. Not me moaning about it either. He pays attention. And he's been a star.

It's not a bad cold at all but is still making me feel a bit crappy. So far he's kept me topped up with hot cups of tea, offered to order dinner in (which wouldn't have worked as everywhere is closed on Monday) and has given me a neck, shoulder and head massage. He's also made sure I've had paracetamols for my sore head. And tonight? Told me to head off to bed and hopefully I'll be better soon.

Your man is a dick, OP. Give him it all back the next time he's ill. What a tosser.

@inghaly

I did say to him not to expect any sympathy next time he feels unwell.

His reply : but when I'm ill it's worse for me as it affects me more.

Well of COURSE @inghaly !! You see, he's more important than you, so his suffering is more important, worse than yours. Sounds a bit narcissistic. It would explain the lack of sympathy but the expectation that you should be sympathetic to his as of course his illnesses are worse.

@Patienceisvirtuous God, he sounds like an army sergeant. I bet I could top him with my feeling ill. It's quite graphic and not something you can easily replicate. He sounds very stressful to live with. Everyone is allowed to relax. It's important for your health to wind down. It sounds pike you relaxing or not doing something makes his anxious.

@Menstrualcycledisplayteam I'd like to see him trying to adopt the pain of passing large blood clots. He sounds like a self-centred neurotic asshole.

@crossstitchingnana That's not great for your emotional health.

For those of who have experienced similar to the OP, what your partner is trying to tell you is this -

'I don't like the fact that you're ill. It means that I am not the centre of attention any more. I find it annoying, because you see, only I can be the centre of attention. Only MY illness is important, only MY suffering is worthy or valid. I don't want to go to the effort of sympathizing with you, or caring for you, because I don't get anything out of that (because remember, it's your job to look after and pander to me, not the other way around. So, I'm going to do a '123, back me' on this. I'll let you know that I also am not feeling well because I want to make damn well sure I don't have to look after you, or be caring, or put your needs first (God forbid). I also kind of want to punish you because I'm annoyed you even brought it up. Only you are supposed to be the care giver, the provider here, whereas I am the one who's supposed to do the taking. By being ill, you are not centring me, and that simply won't do, because it's all about ME'.

How are you going, OP?

It is a child like behaviour. You have ruined his day/evening. He is thinking of himself and his needs. I imagine this is the tip of the iceberg. My former husband used to have " an accident" which involved blood running from some part of him if we had a major argument ...a look at poor me tactic!! You must be extremely caring for all his needs then he turns on you in anger perhaps if u do not meet his needs. He needs a big kick up the backend.. ..his behaviour discourages you from relying upon him.

@EarthSight I suspect I've expressed myself badly. I mean that when I say that I'm feeling under the weather because of my period, he will mention that hes been feeling a bit grim that day too . I've taken to mocking him for it, but you are right, it is tiring. I have one son and I'm doing all I can to teach him the need to."buck up". I dread him becoming a topic on here in years to come.

I read a few pages of this before falling asleep last night and it made me sad and angry in equal measures. Some things I read made my blood run cold as they reminded me so clearly of how my ex treated me. I could never realx, never stop, never take any kind of time out or break and it nearly broke me as a person completely. He was always more sick, more tired and more hard worked than me. He also said men suffer with things more than women. His silent anger at me when i was sat down anytime before both kids were in bed and everything in the house was done was so palpable and uncomfortable that I just did everything to avoid it. Once both kids had the sickness and vomitting bug, and so did i. I was sleeping with our 3yo and he was downstairs (he did NOT have it) with our 1yo. When it was time to make tea he came upstairs and literally put our 1yo son on me so he could make the tea, he couldnt leave us to sleep and make tea whilst watching one child - even though i frequently did with both children while he worked away for weeks at a time. Another classic was saying he was equally sleep deprived because he woke up briefly while i was getting out of bed to get our baby. So even though i would be up for the day at 5am, and he slept til 9-10am usually, he claimed (with a straight face) that disturbed sleep is no better than no sleep at all. So we were even in his mind.

OP (and so many other people who have replied with similar stories) - Life away from such a horrible partner is so much better. Also, the longer I am away for, the more things i remember that were so unloving and horrible. I remember him saying "pregnant women can do things you know" when i was almost due and had only just stopped work and had PGP.

Leave the bastards. And then when you feel sick you can sit on your couch without getting dirty looks.