Are you 'allowed' to feel ill?

[inghaly]

Yesterday I didn't feel too good. I had a splitting headache and felt really tired and nauseous.

I'd just finished preparing dinner and it was cooking in the oven. I needed to sit down for 10 minutes.

As soon as i sat down I told dp I didn't feel too well.

His reply was:' you were ok a minute ago'

Me: no, I've felt ill in the kitchen too.

We sat for 5 minutes and I could see he was getting restless.

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

Me: I just need 10 minutes of rest then I will do it.

Dp: it can't wait really.

Me: please, just let me rest. My head is really hurting and I feel dizzy too.

We sit for about 1 minute then dp stands up in a huff.

Dp: I'll fucking do it then. I've been busy all day, but don't worry I'll do the housework too.

Me: I said if I could rest for 10 minutes then I'll do it.

He goes into the kitchen.

Less than a minute later.

Dp; where's X,Y,Z ?. How do I do this? I need help out here really.

So I get up and help. It was nothing that couldn't wait until we'd eaten and rested.

This isn't the only time. Whenever I'm ill it's always the same. I can't be ill because there's things that need doing!

@WhatsErFace2020 this is me too! DH is sooo often just feeling a bit not right - headachy, too tired, bit dizzy, bit nauseated etc. Often when there are important jobs to be done or places to go. When he's actually properly ill I will look after him, but I'm afraid I just can't cope with being super sympathetic with every little grumble. I wouldn't be as rude as the OP's partner, I'll just leave him to take himself off to bed, but I'm not going to tuck him in and make hot soup - I'll make our usual meals at the usual time and offer to bring it up if he likes.

I work in ICU a fair bit so my definition of "really ill" is a bit different from his...

"Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?"

What did his last slave die of?

What's the point of being with a bloke like this?

You might as well be on your own, as in some really important ways you are already.

I mean, it's not like you could say "if I was a single parent, how would I cope if I was ill?" cos it'd be exactly the same but better in that at least you wouldn't get bullied about it into the bargain.

H isn't abusive but he's definitely competitive in the illness department. I'm I'll, he's dying. I'm busy, he's overwhelmed. I'm tired, he's exhausted.

I just leave him to it - no sympathy from me. Spent many years chasing around sorting him out and the one time I was seriously ill he fucked off for a weekend leaving me with a 10 year old DS that I wasn't capable of parenting properly due to the illness. Our relationship hasn't ever recovered tbh.

@inghaly

I did say to him not to expect any sympathy next time he feels unwell.

His reply : but when I'm ill it's worse for me as it affects me more.

This bit makes me think that basically your “sucking it up and getting on with things” has trained him to believe you’re not actually that ill. Instead of appreciating that you’re suffering and being brave, he thinks you weren’t that ill in the first place. From now on, if you feel crap tell him you cannot possibly do anything and must go to bed. And do it. You’re getting no brownie points for soldiering on.

Oh god. So grim to read many women have husbands like this. Why are you with these awful men? How can you love someone who has to have a one up manship regarding illness. Just ewww.

I suffer from migraine.. If I was ever ill dh rang his dps to come over and watch the dc...
Exh now funnily..
Yabu to accept this shit op..

but when I'm ill it's worse for me as it affects me more

Well of course it does. When you're ill it hardly affects him at all.

What do you mean, you have feelings too?

That's awful. I started suffering from migraines about 10 years ago and DH has been really good and considerate when I get one.

They can vary from just aura and slurred words to having to lie down in a dark room and throwing up every 10 minutes.

Even if it is a mild one DH will tell me to go and lie down and he will get on with whatever needs doing - housework, dog walking and feeding etc.

He always checks on me to see I am ok and if I need anything. If it is a really bad one he will try and stay home so he can do anything that needs doing and see that I am ok. He is self employed so often can re-arrange work

My abusive exh was like this, but to the point he would scream at me and call me names while I was vomiting or even collapsed on the floor. He even told a horrified doctor who came to my house when I had collapsed with Quinsy a week after a C section that he coukdnt take me to hospital because he couldnt be expected to look after the baby as he had been at work all week( it was the weekend and he was off work)and he was tired !
When I left him and he begged me to stay I explained this was one of the reasons I was leaving. He just shrugged and said it was the way he was and couldnt change! My life was 1 million percent easier when I left as I had been a single parent anyway, except now if I was ill I could make the kids a picnic tea and lie on the sofa or spend all day in bed with kids watching Scooby Doo while the house was a tip- something he would never have allowed me to do.

Mine will be helpful, cook, clean do childcare etc but always without fail, have to 'take it back' once I'm better by then being unwell himself and making sure he out 'off' the same amount of time.

I don't think it's a conscious thing as I pull him up on it everytime and he just does not see it.

It's part of the many, many reasons we are divorcing. Some people just don't have your back.

It is interesting to read all these. Dh is without fail incredibly kind if I'm ever ill and takes over the "reins" completely. He quite likes saving the day and doing things "his" way. Unfortunately I'm in radiant health most of the time. He complains I show less sympathy to him. He has been quite ill over last 20 years with various (genuine but chronic rather than life threatening ailments)
But when the kids were little and I was ill, straight to bed with Room service. .cups of tea, trays of food etc, coming back early from work to bail me out etc.

I am, but then my husband isn’t an abusive arsehole. We were just out for a walk with the dogs and toddler and I was getting really bad pains as I’m 6 months pregnant.

He told me that he wanted me to sit down when we got in, he’d make me some tea and I was to relax. Because he’s a nice person.

My aunt has a theory that people who have been ill as children and "abandoned in hospital" or lived with v ill parents develop a almost phobic reaction to illness in others as a form of self preservation. My father who was v ill as a little boy and not visited often in hospital (not the policy in those days) is a kind thoughtful man but detaches from people in "sickbed" situations. It is unbearable for him.

@PerhapsOverlyWorried

Perhaps going against the grain a bit here, but do you feel ill often? I know someone that frequently feels ill, always needs to sit for a few minutes. Hours later they’re still there messing about on their phone, watching tv, claiming they feel sick and doing sod all to help anyone. Frustrating as hell for everyone involved, especially as it’s always trivial “I’ve got a headache” type crap

I also felt a bit the same as you and @WhatsErFace2020 and @SockQueen because my ex was also like this and when he tells his family about my.reaction to his illnesses I bet his family are just as horrified as all the PPS here... But the issue was that he suffered from.chronic mental health issues, constant gut issues, headaches that would.appear when life got stressful and every cold the rest of us got would be a flu for him. He truly wasn't making it all up, just an exceptionally sensitive person without a huge amount of empathy,, but it was exhausting to live with. He was very nice to.me when I was ill, but I never really.had the opportunity unless at death's door because he was always more needy. I read the 'Princeas and the Pea' with my dc the other day and felt like shouting at the prince to run a mile.

Of course, if this is a.rare occurrence, then you are absolutely nbu and deserve care. Hope you feel better.

That’s horrible op! When I feel ill, my husband puts me to bed, cuddles me in, gets me water, tablets, anything I want. He’ll go back and forth to the shop for me if I need anything e.g. vapour rub or lemsips and will sort out his own food. He doesn’t begrudge me being poorly at all, after all, we all get sick from time to time.

To be honest, he wouldn’t really get a say anyway. If I’m ill, I’m not going to push myself...but I’m lucky he’s as kind as he as it does make me feel cared for.

Your husband is an ass and needs to be told.

Blimey, does he have any redeeming features?

I wouldn't put up with this and would have fuck all sympathy for him the next time he is ill.

I remember the first time I was ill in front of my DP. We were stood next to his Truck having a cig when suddenly I went lightheaded and couldn't stand up. He had to catch me to stop me falling and smashing my head on the ground. He got me back into my car then came and sat next to me. Then I had a massive panic attack in front of him and my body was jerking and limbs thrashing. I was thumping his leg during it but he sat with me and reassured me constantly. Sat me forward and unzipped my coat to help me breathe. Then when I'd come round told me he'd be back at quick as he could, quickly ran over to his Truck and phoned his Depot up and told them I wasn't good and that he wasn't leaving me until he knew I was ok. It happened a week or so later and he did the same again. I found out it was my medication causing it so I was taken off it. Last year when I found out we'd lost our 4th Baby it was only by chance he was over my way that night (both live in different counties) I had another panic attack. He went and grabbed my duvet off my bed, wrapped me up in it and laid me on the settee then knelt on the floor next to me stroking my face and calming me down. When my miscarriage fully started he was a 120 miles away but stayed on the phone the whole time until he had to end the call due to no mobiles permitted in a certain area of the Depot. But as soon as he was able to he called me straight back. Even on the following days unless he was delivering he rang me and spoke to me constantly to make sure I was ok and would reassure me when I was crying down the phone. I didn't realise it at the time and I thought he'd dealt with us losing our Baby pretty well which he probably did but he told me it broke his heart each time he heard me crying or in pain whilst we were on the phone.

@EggnogAndAMincepie he sounds like a fantastic man. Mine was an unfeeling cold fish. I'm sorry for your losses - mine was a second miscarriage so it was even harder that he knew what was happening, he just didn't care.

My now DP of 2.5 years is a bloody star and would drop everything to look after me if I needed him to - and he does. X

Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a partner that has this attitude?

I know I wouldn't

My ex was exactly like this. I was never allowed to be ill - because he saw me as an appliance that he had to get the maximum possible value from.

Whenever I'm under the weather or even just feeling tired and mention it to DH, he is the biggest "So do I" merchant going.

He treats it like a competition. Whatever it is, he's got it worse, had it worse in the past, you name it, he will find a reason that he's suffering more than me. I had a v traumatic time giving birth to dd over 20 years ago, and what does he still talk about? The hospital parking fine, and how difficult it was to get it refunded.

@inghaly, this is my abusive stbxh to a tee. The exchange you describe is so familiar. My feeling unwell was only ever an inconvenience and an affront to him. My recovery from surgery for an ectopic pregnancy was upsetting to him mostly because he had to prepare dinner alone. Cunt. So many ladies on this thread are echoing my experience, it's depressing.

Sorry to hear so many of you have been through similar.

I talked to him about it yesterday and he didn't really have much to say. He still thinks he was right.

Also I can totally relate to the people who say their dp makes a competition out of illness and suddenly gets ill when you are.

When I had my c section I was very ill, but he only remembers how stressful it was for him looking after our youngest when I was in hospital.

I have hated him for this since it happened.