Are you 'allowed' to feel ill?

[inghaly]

Yesterday I didn't feel too good. I had a splitting headache and felt really tired and nauseous.

I'd just finished preparing dinner and it was cooking in the oven. I needed to sit down for 10 minutes.

As soon as i sat down I told dp I didn't feel too well.

His reply was:' you were ok a minute ago'

Me: no, I've felt ill in the kitchen too.

We sat for 5 minutes and I could see he was getting restless.

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

Me: I just need 10 minutes of rest then I will do it.

Dp: it can't wait really.

Me: please, just let me rest. My head is really hurting and I feel dizzy too.

We sit for about 1 minute then dp stands up in a huff.

Dp: I'll fucking do it then. I've been busy all day, but don't worry I'll do the housework too.

Me: I said if I could rest for 10 minutes then I'll do it.

He goes into the kitchen.

Less than a minute later.

Dp; where's X,Y,Z ?. How do I do this? I need help out here really.

So I get up and help. It was nothing that couldn't wait until we'd eaten and rested.

This isn't the only time. Whenever I'm ill it's always the same. I can't be ill because there's things that need doing!

Sounds like a massive twat.

My partner was ill yesterday, well, actually he had a bad hangover so it was completely self inflicted and entirely his own fault. I still looked after him, got him things he needed, made sure he was drinking enough, encouraged him to eat little and often.

I was ill a few months ago (type one diabetic and 20% spleen function, I’m a pathogens wet dream), he managed to not only avoid acting like a twat but he also sorted my son out for three days in a row, a child who isn’t actually his.

It isn’t “oh isn’t he good” or “what a lovely thing to do” its being a decent human.

My now exH left me, mid miscarriage, bleeding heavily, with an 18 month old ds, and said 'oh dear. Well let me know how you get on' and went to work.

I had to go to hospital, with ds and miscarry alone.

I was going to say it's frowned upon, as he will stomp around a bit but he does step up. It sounds like you are treated like paid staff, I would allow him to boss me around like that.

My XH was like this. My chronic illness, which I did my best to fight against, was a real inconvenience to him. He was unsympathetic and mean. Hence the X....
DH looks after me. I'd never had anyone in my life actually tell me to stay off work, or leave the chores, or make me a cup of tea when I'm I'll. It's lovely and everyone deserves to have someone like that. Not a snidey twat who thinks you're being lazy.

@QuentinWinters Sometimes those scars are helpful for women to have to remind them not to end up there again, what a douche x

This makes for very sad reading. I could not be with someone so uncaring. I hope you take on board all these comments and rethink the rest of your life.

It sounds like some people's partners view them as domestic help rather than a life partner.

What would happen if you were seriously ill? I just had cancer treatment and my husband pretty much had to do everything a lot of the time for 8 months with a just turned one year old.

@inghaly I hope you can find a way to get out. I can't. This thread has made me so sad x

[quote WizardOfAus]This thread is shocking. The amount of women who put up with uncaring, rubbish partners is unbelievable

These are the types of “men” who leave their spouse when she gets a life-threatening illness.

It happens so frequently, they’ve done studies about it:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer[/quote]
It’s not just the preserve of men to abandon their spouses when they get very unwell. My Sister left her husband when he got unwell. She was the one that was previously the ‘unwell’ one in the relationship (she suffered from mental ill health). When her husband developed a serious physical illness, she couldn’t cope and their marriage broke up.

I was in bed for about three days with flu a couple of years ago. I got up at about 6 o'clock on the third day feeling better but still very weak and decided I would think about going back to work the following morning. I asked DH if he would pop to the shops to get something for me to eat as I hadn't eaten for three days and would need to have done so to return to work. He said that he felt really unwell and was probably coming down with what I had had so was going to bed. Fair enough I thought. If he's caught it he'll certainly be too unwell to shop. I left DH in bed and, still feeling very weak, got showered and dressed and went shopping. Imagine my surprise on returning home to find DH sitting in the sofa, watching football and munching crisps. Large argument ensued about how lazy, inconsiderate and unhelpful he was. He insists to this day he had genuinely had what I had but his episode of it had only lasted from the time I had asked him to go to the shops until the football started (about half an hour!!) He can be very considerate when I'm ill but the minute I seem to have arsehole moments!!

*have recovered has arsehole moments

My exH was like this. He had absolutely no empathy and saw any illness as an inconvenience for him. He seemed to take any incapacitation personally. If i tried to tell him what I needed him to do he would take it as a criticism. Which I suppose it was really. Glad to be out of that relationship. Its much easier to look after myself if I'm ill now , as I always did anyway, because I don't have seething resentments in my head about how nice it would be if he would just make the fucking dinner for once. As a pp said, its shocking now I reflect on it.

How are you doing OP?

I have cancer, since having chemo I've had a few episodes when I feel I just need to go to bed. One of these episodes ended in a hospital admission, but it didn't stop Exdp (we still live together) from putting his music on full blast on 2 occasions and smoking the whole house out with a fry up (and I'm vegan, the smell was nauseating) knowing how poorly I was.
Yes he's an Exdp for a reason and has narc traits.

@PerhapsOverlyWorried

Perhaps going against the grain a bit here, but do you feel ill often? I know someone that frequently feels ill, always needs to sit for a few minutes. Hours later they’re still there messing about on their phone, watching tv, claiming they feel sick and doing sod all to help anyone. Frustrating as hell for everyone involved, especially as it’s always trivial “I’ve got a headache” type crap

@PerhapsOverlyWorried i was going to ask the same thing - purely because I read it and saw myself in OPs husband 😳 BUT only because my DH is constantly ‘coming down with something’ he always needs concessions and it tends to coincide with housework/child rearing etc. It is infuriating as he genuinely believes he is ill. A person cannot be ill as much as he thinks he is - so He knows I always get annoyed with his illnesses 🤣

On the flip side, if I ever actually voice that I’m not feeling great (which is very rare...because you know I just get on with it) he is very caring - I would be for him too if he was actually ill...

@CandyLeBonBon

My now exH left me, mid miscarriage, bleeding heavily, with an 18 month old ds, and said 'oh dear. Well let me know how you get on' and went to work.

I had to go to hospital, with ds and miscarry alone.

I was on my own through my miscarriage too. Only difference was my DP was hundreds of miles away as a Truck driver and he rang and spoke to me every second he wasn't doing a delivery to make sure I was ok

@CremeEgg2019

It’s not just the preserve of men to abandon their spouses when they get very unwell. My Sister left her husband when he got unwell. She was the one that was previously the ‘unwell’ one in the relationship (she suffered from mental ill health). When her husband developed a serious physical illness, she couldn’t cope and their marriage broke up.

Yes, okay. But your sister is in the minority of cases where a woman leaves. It also sounds like she wasn’t mentally well enough to cope?

The statistics for men abandoning seriously ill partners is shocking. One study from 2009 found the strongest predictor for separation or divorce for patients with brain cancer was whether or not the sick person was a woman. That same study showed that men were SEVEN times more likely to leave their partner than the other way around if one of them got brain cancer.

If someone talked to me like that, they'd be booted straight out the door to see how hard it is to be single and living on their own to have to do everything at home as well as working, just like most adults do.

To answer your question, yes, absolutely allowed to feel ill. I feel ill now. I had a lie in until 10am and now dh has taken the dc out for the rest of the day so I can rest at home in peace. It's not normal to be spoken to like you are and that would be the last time for me.

Wow a lot of replies. Thank you all. I will read through them all when I finish work.

Mumsnet is enough to make you want to stay single forever.

He sounds like a selfish prick tbh.

Are you benefiting in any way from being in a relationship with this man OP?

What about when the man is hugely grumpy when poorly. I feel like a bad person now lol but my dh when poorly is so over the top it really gets on my nerves..

He sounds horrible.

DP asks the right questions, provides medication if needed, looks after our baby so I can rest etc.

Is he usually so horrible?