Are you 'allowed' to feel ill?

[inghaly]

Yesterday I didn't feel too good. I had a splitting headache and felt really tired and nauseous.

I'd just finished preparing dinner and it was cooking in the oven. I needed to sit down for 10 minutes.

As soon as i sat down I told dp I didn't feel too well.

His reply was:' you were ok a minute ago'

Me: no, I've felt ill in the kitchen too.

We sat for 5 minutes and I could see he was getting restless.

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

Me: I just need 10 minutes of rest then I will do it.

Dp: it can't wait really.

Me: please, just let me rest. My head is really hurting and I feel dizzy too.

We sit for about 1 minute then dp stands up in a huff.

Dp: I'll fucking do it then. I've been busy all day, but don't worry I'll do the housework too.

Me: I said if I could rest for 10 minutes then I'll do it.

He goes into the kitchen.

Less than a minute later.

Dp; where's X,Y,Z ?. How do I do this? I need help out here really.

So I get up and help. It was nothing that couldn't wait until we'd eaten and rested.

This isn't the only time. Whenever I'm ill it's always the same. I can't be ill because there's things that need doing!

My DH is usually caring and kind but has a horrible disconnect when I’m ill. He treats me like an appliance that’s broken and everything in the house just sort of ‘stops’ while I’m out of action. I’m not allowed to be ill for more than a day, weekend at most. When I had covid he didn’t take a day off to help with homeschool. Then claimed he had had it too. I have a positive antibody test. I’d bet the house he wouldn’t.
It’s damaging behaviour.
To be honest your DH sounds even worse as it’s so blatant. Does he think you’re only there to service the house and family?

When I was in an abusive relationship it was exactly the same.

Now I'm in a healthy relationship if I tell my DP I feel ill he will immediately offer to go to the shop/pharmacy for anything and tuck me up in bed or on the couch and wait on me hand and foot.

It is dreadful reading about the amount of uncaring selfish husbands and partners on this thread. I can't believe do many women would put up with this uncaring treatment.

I agree with other posters. This is truly grim reading. I couldn't stay with a man who didn't want me to rest when I was ill. Its a fundamental lack of empathy and respect. DP sends me to bed and cracks on with whatever needs doing if I'm ill, and I do the same for him. If he was like some of the men on here, I would be kicking him out.

Nobody tells me what I'm allowed to do and I'm astonished people let their husbands bully them this way. i just wouldn't stand for it.
That's what it is OP bullying. Recognise it for what it is and leave him if it escalates.

Mine wasn't as obvious as that but no. It's abuse. Devaluing you, teaching you to think carefully about your words. Keeping you down. Do you see that?

This thread is shocking. The amount of women who put up with uncaring, rubbish partners is unbelievable

These are the types of “men” who leave their spouse when she gets a life-threatening illness.

It happens so frequently, they’ve done studies about it:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

Ask him to explain why he thinks being sick affects him more?

Wow why are you with this man

He sounds horrible, I honestly wouldn’t like him at all after that. One of the things I love most about DH is that he is so caring if me or one of the kids is unwell.

I genuinely can't imagine being spoken to like that, or living with someone that unpleasant. What's your plan OP?

Ffs

Of course this is unacceptable behaviour

Twat

I would get more sympathy from my employer than you do from your husband. You sound like a slave.

He sounds nasty and unpleasant to be around.

Why are you with him?

@Bagelsandbrie

I find some of the stories on this thread really worrying. If these arses can’t cope with you being unwell with a virus / flu for a bit how on earth would they cope if god forbid anything actually serious or debilitating happened to you? It’s just horrible. And abusive.

I have lots of health issues - I didn’t have them when dh and I met- and 12 years on I quite often have to have bed rest or I am in hospital (I have lupus, Addison’s, pituitary issues, asthma etc). Dh never once complains or makes me feel bad. He works full time and will drop everything and look after the kids - one of which has serious complex needs and attends complex needs school.

Some of these stupid men don’t know they’re born.

I absolutely agree, whatever happened to in sickness and in health?

If a man can't cope with his partner having a migraine then that doesn't bode well for the years ahead.

What a cunt. I'm guessing this is not the only area he behaves badly in?

My ex was like this, it was incredibly draining and stressful.

I am with somebody kind now. If I feel ill he tells me to go to bed and takes care of everything for me. He will go out to the shop to buy me food that I feel like eating. He keeps the children away and quiet so that I can rest.

That's how a partner should behave.

Perhaps going against the grain a bit here, but do you feel ill often? I know someone that frequently feels ill, always needs to sit for a few minutes. Hours later they’re still there messing about on their phone, watching tv, claiming they feel sick and doing sod all to help anyone. Frustrating as hell for everyone involved, especially as it’s always trivial “I’ve got a headache” type crap

Things my partner says if I feel ill:

"lie down, I'll bring you some tea"

"do you need the paracetamol or a hot water bottle"

"I've made some soup, try and eat it"

"I don't think you should go in tomorrow if you feel like this"

There's quite a few women on here who are married to complete dickheads.

Wtf? He sounds horrible! I frequently feel shit when I have my period, so pretty much monthly I have a day or two where I am exhausted, nauseous and in pain. Dh steps up, sorts dinner etc. Surely your dp is a grown man..? If so he can bloody we'll figure out how to cook and do housework, just like every other functioning adult. Do you have kids together? I'd be having a serious think about things if this outburst was a sign of his generally behaviour abs treatment of you, as it's shit and horrible

I've had this - was hospitalised with swine flu when I was heavily pregnant and criticised/accused of being lazy for staying in bed when I was discharged (can't tell you how wiped out I felt)

When I had cancer treatment, he decided whether I was well enough to cope on my own with two small children on any given day. I went to chemo sessions alone and the kids often had to come with me to the hospital. One time I was dangerously ill during chemo (sepsis) and he decided I didn't need to go to hospital as I'd probably brought the illness on myself. Thankfully I made it into A&E in time.

There is a general theme of disbelief/fault finding if I'm ever tired or ill.

My exit plan is underway

My abusive former husband was like this. I was literally not allowed to be ill, accused of putting it on/stringing things out. The temper tantrum he had when I had a lump in my armpit investigated was unbelievable. If he, however, had so much as a cold, entirely different matter. A very controlling, manipulative man.

What a truly sad thread. I’m ‘allowed’ to be unwell whenever I want...no huffing, complaining, moaning. I get tea, tablets, a blanket, dinner cooked (or the offer of a takeaway). I’m encouraged to go and have a snooze in bed (that could be so an Xbox session can occur though 😊).
It seems I am clearly in the minority though.
What a way to live.

Disclaimer: I am not an ill person but do suffer horrendous periods.