Are you 'allowed' to feel ill?

[inghaly]

Yesterday I didn't feel too good. I had a splitting headache and felt really tired and nauseous.

I'd just finished preparing dinner and it was cooking in the oven. I needed to sit down for 10 minutes.

As soon as i sat down I told dp I didn't feel too well.

His reply was:' you were ok a minute ago'

Me: no, I've felt ill in the kitchen too.

We sat for 5 minutes and I could see he was getting restless.

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

Me: I just need 10 minutes of rest then I will do it.

Dp: it can't wait really.

Me: please, just let me rest. My head is really hurting and I feel dizzy too.

We sit for about 1 minute then dp stands up in a huff.

Dp: I'll fucking do it then. I've been busy all day, but don't worry I'll do the housework too.

Me: I said if I could rest for 10 minutes then I'll do it.

He goes into the kitchen.

Less than a minute later.

Dp; where's X,Y,Z ?. How do I do this? I need help out here really.

So I get up and help. It was nothing that couldn't wait until we'd eaten and rested.

This isn't the only time. Whenever I'm ill it's always the same. I can't be ill because there's things that need doing!

@inghaly

I did say to him not to expect any sympathy next time he feels unwell.

His reply : but when I'm ill it's worse for me as it affects me more.

My ex said those exact words to me too. He was an abusive arsehole in many ways. I suspect there's more going on with your DH too.

Bin him off

I started with those symptoms and now I'm positive for coronavirus

What an arsehole

@inghaly my DH wouldn't be as unpleasant or impatient as yours, but he is definitely "allowed" to be ill more than me, and gets every cold/flu/headache worse than me - which of course means I have to be the one to look after two DC while feeling shit and he languishes in bed.

I had my gallbladder out earlier this year, all went well and I was discharged same day, but I was knackered and sore. Despite taking the week off to "help," actual practical support was limited. I was bf DS2, who was 8 months at the time, and I needed DH to lift him out of the cot to me, and put him back afterwards. In the morning he made such a fuss over being so tired because of all the wake ups, despite this being my normal every night!

On the plus side, he wouldn't mind if being ill meant the washing up wasn't done or if dinner was beans on toast and wouldn't make such a fuss over it.

Surely you need to feel safe with a partner?
How can you if he ignores your needs. This is really horrible behaviour OP and not loving at all. I would raise this with him when you feel better and say how it makes you feel.

The competitive partners are your standard narcissistic personality disorder cases. Probably what you're dealing with too op. Definately something wrong with someone with no empathy for his partner. Run for the hills.

Whose house is it. How easy is it to leave this relationship. That is abusive, what's he like when you spend time with friends and family.

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

If my DH ever came out with a comment like this, even if I wasn’t feeling ill, he would be told to fuck off and do the jobs himself.

My DH can be like this - if I feel a bit dizzy and sit down, he'll have a terrible headache that means he needs to lie down for a couple of hours while I look after the kids. If I have a cough he'll have some stomach pain that means he needs to rest up.

In our case he certainly lacks empathy - it touches on many areas of his life. I don't think he's crossed the line into abuse. He just has trouble relating to other people.

You're not allowed to feel ill? What a selfish, nasty and inconsiderate person. Who is supposed to love and cherish you by the way.
I'm sorry, I am disgusted on your behalf. I could not sleep with someone who routinely behaves like a toddler.

This thread is shocking. The amount of women who put up with uncaring, rubbish partners is unbelievable.

@Billben

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

If my DH ever came out with a comment like this, even if I wasn’t feeling ill, he would be told to fuck off and do the jobs himself.

I was going to comment with the exact same thing

ExH would definitely have found something that “just” needed doing, or that he needed help with, or begun to feel very ill himself.

Current DP would say “you go and lie down then, I’ll come and tuck you in, do you need any paracetamol?” and when I got up the house would be tidy, children occupied and dinner made, all done with a minimum of noise and fuss so I could sleep.

This thread makes for grim reading

He sounds very childish! Why does he have to make such a drama of you being ill? He should take care of you when you are ill not make you feel guilty about it!

This is so sad that so many people put up with this. You can't help if you feel ill he should have tucked you up on the couch and got you whatever you needed. What an asshole he is you deserve better

Sounds like a real bully to me. He should be looking after you if your unwell not coersing you into doing stuff anything. I’d tell him to bog off and do it himself. You need to br more assertive op and stand your ground no matter what his reaction is. You deserve better.

@TracyTomatoes

My DH can be like this - if I feel a bit dizzy and sit down, he'll have a terrible headache that means he needs to lie down for a couple of hours while I look after the kids. If I have a cough he'll have some stomach pain that means he needs to rest up.

In our case he certainly lacks empathy - it touches on many areas of his life. I don't think he's crossed the line into abuse. He just has trouble relating to other people.

Sounds like he sees you feeling unwell and panics that he might have to pick up the slack!

I find some of the stories on this thread really worrying. If these arses can’t cope with you being unwell with a virus / flu for a bit how on earth would they cope if god forbid anything actually serious or debilitating happened to you? It’s just horrible. And abusive.

I have lots of health issues - I didn’t have them when dh and I met- and 12 years on I quite often have to have bed rest or I am in hospital (I have lupus, Addison’s, pituitary issues, asthma etc). Dh never once complains or makes me feel bad. He works full time and will drop everything and look after the kids - one of which has serious complex needs and attends complex needs school.

Some of these stupid men don’t know they’re born.

He sounds like a dick OP, to be honest.

If I ever feel even the slightest bit unwell I'm bundled off to bed or tucked under a blanket on the couch while DP gets on with whatever needs doing.

Next time don't even try to power your way through it, just tell him as a statement of fact that you're feeling ill and will be staying in bed. He can't question that 'you were alright a minute ago' then can he?

So sorry OP this is a horrible way to be treated.

I’d echo a previous poster and keep a close eye on your symptoms with a view to getting a covid test if you still feel unwell as this was EXACTLY how my coronavirus symptoms started. Severe dizziness, exhaustion, stomach cramps, nausea.

Look after yourself and just ignore his ridiculous kiddy tantrum. If you’re ill, you’re ill. xxxx

Same here OP. I'm not allowed to be in. When I had coronavirus I was being melodramatic.

It's so hard x

@Therealjudgejudy I'm sat here thinking the same!

If I'm sick I'm never questioned about it, or the sudden onset of it. He'll ask if I'm okay and if I'm cooking he goes and takes over. He looks after me like he should do as he's my partner.

When I feel ill my dh makes me rest. He takes over jobs in house by getting up early to get child's breakfast and organise them packed lunch and off to school and brings me tea in bed on a tray. Then he works from home, bringing me drinks every 2 hours and checks how I am. Collects child from school, sets him up on laptop with tutor. Cooks dinner. I am not I'll often but when I am DH could not do more for me. I would not like to have to live with your do. He sounds horrible and uncaring.

Yeah, he’d only talk to me like that once.

@puguin86

Same here OP. I'm not allowed to be in. When I had coronavirus I was being melodramatic.

It's so hard x

Do you know that this is not acceptable behaviour? I wouldn't treat a stranger like that, let alone someone I professed to love. You don't have to let someone treat you like this. It's okay to have standards and boundaries. It's okay to demand that you be treated with dignity and respect.