Are you 'allowed' to feel ill?

[inghaly]

Yesterday I didn't feel too good. I had a splitting headache and felt really tired and nauseous.

I'd just finished preparing dinner and it was cooking in the oven. I needed to sit down for 10 minutes.

As soon as i sat down I told dp I didn't feel too well.

His reply was:' you were ok a minute ago'

Me: no, I've felt ill in the kitchen too.

We sat for 5 minutes and I could see he was getting restless.

Dp: you do know there's still stuff to do in the kitchen?

Me: I just need 10 minutes of rest then I will do it.

Dp: it can't wait really.

Me: please, just let me rest. My head is really hurting and I feel dizzy too.

We sit for about 1 minute then dp stands up in a huff.

Dp: I'll fucking do it then. I've been busy all day, but don't worry I'll do the housework too.

Me: I said if I could rest for 10 minutes then I'll do it.

He goes into the kitchen.

Less than a minute later.

Dp; where's X,Y,Z ?. How do I do this? I need help out here really.

So I get up and help. It was nothing that couldn't wait until we'd eaten and rested.

This isn't the only time. Whenever I'm ill it's always the same. I can't be ill because there's things that need doing!

Several PP mentioned things very similar to what my therapist told me about these types of men.

That they love and cherish you for what you do for them and how you make them feel. The appliance analogy is spot on. They do see women as an appliance to serve them and make their lives better and being sick doesn't fit that narrative. So in a sense, you are broken and they don't like it as it changes the status quo of the perfect appliance.

This also explains why so many men leave their wives when ill or leave after 25 years of marriage as if it meant nothing. You were no longer useful so the old appliance was discarded and replaced.

I suspect if you look closer, you'll see much of your relationship is about what you do for them.

DH isn’t as bad but he does get every illness “worse” than I do. Invariably, I’ll get mildly ill (I work with children so am more likely to pick up bugs than he is) and carry on as normal but I will mention that I don’t feel well. A few days later he’ll take to his bed with “flu” or “tonsillitis” for a few days and be “too ill” to eat or do anything. I try to explain that not eating will make him feel worse but he genuinely believes that, when you don’t feel well, you can only eat soup 😂. He’ll then say that I don’t have much sympathy for him and now my stock response is “I’m giving you the exact amount of sympathy as you gave me when I was ill” to which he always replies, “When were you ill?” Ffs.

My DH doesn't believe me when I'm ill because I have a history of health anxiety. I think he thinks he's trying to help when he minimises my symptoms, but what he doesn't understand is that I had therapy and am so much better that I do not even mention ANYTHING to him unless I'm absolutely sure somethings up and I feel like shit. It's an annoying viscous circle.
DH himself is actually quite stoic when he's ill. The only time I've seen him stay in bed is with genuine flu and a temp of 40. He gets stuff, he just doesn't really moan. So I guess I can't really complain

All these people who felt ill the last two days... have you been tested for the Big C?

I’m feeling a bit under the weather currently. Exhausted it headachy. Yesterday dh promised me a lie in this morning. Now his backs gone so I’m up with the dc and have been since 6.

This seems to be a pattern. Whenever im not well I end up carrying on because his back goes.

@RantyAnty

Several PP mentioned things very similar to what my therapist told me about these types of men.

That they love and cherish you for what you do for them and how you make them feel. The appliance analogy is spot on. They do see women as an appliance to serve them and make their lives better and being sick doesn't fit that narrative. So in a sense, you are broken and they don't like it as it changes the status quo of the perfect appliance.

This also explains why so many men leave their wives when ill or leave after 25 years of marriage as if it meant nothing. You were no longer useful so the old appliance was discarded and replaced.

I suspect if you look closer, you'll see much of your relationship is about what you do for them.

Spot on. These men get very annoyed when their 'domestic appliance' develops a fault.

I'm really sorry but how is it that everyone on Mumsnet seems to have partnered up with the most pathetic men?

That would be the end of it for me. "There are still jobs to do in the kitchen" is incitement to murder imo

To the people on the thread who have husbands who are so spiteful and uncaring when you are ill - how can you bear to stay with them?

To those who are parents, if you are made to feel you have to continue to carry chores / childcare etc without support from them when you're ill, you are teaching your children that those things are exclusively women's jobs. That men are entitled to not have to do them because men are superior, get to dictate the rules of a relationship and control women. This means the longer you stay, the more likely it is that your children will replicate that model of a relationship when they are adults. It makes me so sad for them.

My exH was never sympathetic when I was ill, I'd have had to have an arm hanging off to be considered properly poorly.

My lovely DFiance would have sent me to bed, brought me a cup of tea and dealt with the cooking because he's a proper mature grown up man.

That relationship is a hard no.

"There are still jobs to be done in the kitchen " would be met with "and which jobs do YOU think are more important than me feeling a bit ill right now?", followed by "if they still need doing, get them done then"

Mine can be a bit of a dick but is getting better.

The change was when i was up for 2 nights with asthma and ibs attacks. He woke up and told me he'd caught what i have and felt terrible. I asked which one, the non contagious asthma or the food intolerances that triggered my ibs? Surprisingly he made a miraculous recovery but knows his card has been marked since then.

He does try competitive headaching (hormone migraines are fun!) and is learning that doesn't cut it either after his dramatic paracetamol hunt and complaining he had the same headache as me. I told him to come off the hrt because the progesterone was a bitch and you needed years of experience to handle it!!

For all his whinging though, he does look after me when i am ill. I'm terrible for trying to push through and get on with things when I'm not well and he is the one who makes me rest.

OP, your other half sounds like an absolute dick. I would be seriously considering your options.

Some of you are married to Grade A pathetic dickheads.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun Thank you!! As I a scrolled down to read some of the replies, I was thinking there is going to be someone who will say what I am thinking lol, sorry not laughing at all but because you were spot on!
I went to reply to the OP that yes I was allowed to be unwell prior to me and my ex abusive partner having our DS. But was not allowed to be relaxing or ill once DS came along. I recall one time I was lying down and he had to 'see to' his own child and there were some toys on the floor as he carried our DS out of the room, and not only in an attempt to move the toys out of the way of course when you are carrying a baby/young child, but also in a rage pushed the door back with force to push them out of the way. And that was also my problem because I had not got up to move them. He on the other hand could do whatever he liked, and when he was ill mostly colds, it was a big deal, he had to go to bed, pathetic, ridiculous and well rid!!

Taikoo

Not anymore!!!!!!!!

@Seeleyboo Absolutely! Even the way we speak and explain things, it's almost as though we are supposed to feel greatful for how it 'should be'.

@mangofandango its the question of the ages.

@Patienceisvirtuous Sounds like my DF, DM would often as I have done, jump up when he comes in, you were/are not allowed to be sitting down relaxing etc, only the big NOT abusive men can do that.

Not a good relationship is it OP? You don’t have to stay with him, it’s your choice and within your control.

OP, you're in a marriage, not in a prison. He sounds very unkind and selfish. You don't have to stay with him. It might take time to sort things out financially but sometimes having that freedom to look forward to can make a huge difference to your life.

When I had my c section I was very ill, but he only remembers how stressful it was for him looking after our youngest when I was in hospital.

This was me! We only have one DC and no other kids. But that night/in to the next days after having an engagement c section, I didn't want to get up because of difficulty and pain, exP would not get up unless asked, this was on the ward. Let me tell you, he would be the type that if he didn't want to get up he wouldn't and you would end up forcing yourself out of bed, okay we are talking about a baby who needed to be picked up etc, but it would be the same over lots of different subjects. You could dig your heels in and try to be as stubborn, but it would very rarely work. And he would know, you being the hands on, motivated, caring, reliable one who has a heart and couldn't leave things in such a way, would do the thing that needed doing.
Even if it was something he had thrown/smashed/broken etc, he would leave the mess, and I would have to sort it out, or live in that state, which was also very degrading and very abusive. I think I can only remember twice him clearing his crap up, once when he smashed the place up and I called the police. The other time a drawer from a chest that had socks in etc, DS was only a baby then, and somehow in one of our rows or his rages it had all ended up on the floor, I left it there, which I knew was dangerous as we could trip, but on that occasion wanted to teach him a lesson, and was surprised thar he cleared some of it up.

@nutmegofconsolation2 Exactly! Best one for me was in our old house, was a house share, guys living there/visitors from the same country as my exP/DS's father. Few of them sitting in the kitchen, I was also in the kitchen, as was our DS, I was washing up etc, DS needed tending to, exP sitting there usual, chatting away to the guys, drink in hand, and said to me 'leave that and go to him' as in our DS, my face as I had my back to him was a picture, but to not show myself up in front of the others I just carried on. Made my blood boil, all the thoughts and memories etc still cause so many feelings and emotions, the only good thing I can take from it, is that I am no longer with him!

@Redannie118 Snap! Though I had quite a bit of help from exP I will not say it, or try not to say it as though I should be greatful. But I have felt and said the same lately, now me and my DS are in our own home, yeah it's tough, but there are advantages! And despite what help and support I could do with, it still doesn't make me want that person to give it, to be exP, as he didn't always, and I had to suffer all the other crap on top of any help!
He did not take our DS out on his own for best part of a year or more, it was to do with the pram, I get very angry with myself that I accepted that crap now! Also there were times in front of his own people as in his country, he would walk along like jack the lad, at a distance, or give me the pram back. They might not have noticed or cared, but there are definitely bad ways he has picked up from his upbringing/culturally. And this is why I agree that we have got to try to make a difference with our own DC.

These stories are so sad. They don’t sound like something that happens in relationship where two people love and respect each other, but more like men who view their partner as a skivvy or slave who’s job is to make the man’s life easier.

I bet there were Victorian mill owners who treated their employees with more compassion and respect than some of the husbands mentioned here!