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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
shitinmyhandsandclap · 26/12/2020 10:01

He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no

This part of your op jumped out at me, if this guy knows about your sexual assault/rape then this is abhorrent

Sandals19 · 26/12/2020 10:04

Porn-y requests.
A pic of his gift wrapped dick, in the context of a conversation but not exactly solicited by you.
Unsolicited vid of woman being slapped in face by dick.

Does he think of anything much other than dicks.

He sounds like a porn sick, sleazy, one track minded (literal) wanker.

And even on Christmas day, he can't have a day off from the sleaze.

If he was a teenager you'd think he needs to take a break from porn and be taught about appropriate behaviour to the opposite sex, but he's 50!!!

I wouldn't even have bothered sending him the message; why should you have to teach a 50 year old man to be well adjusted.

Techway · 26/12/2020 10:08

I wouldn't like it at all and suspect he considers this mild and would be testing your boundaries.

This isn't about being a prude and I am surprised that is some people's first instinct. It's almost a throw back to the 70s. Thankfully we have moved on in some ways but clearly not enough.

What if the woman was 18, or 16 or 14? Does that make a difference to those that are OK with this? If so why? What if it was your sister/daughter...would you have compassion for why they were in that situation?

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 10:10

Well i did send the message and blocked him on SM.

I haven't blocked on WA because I'm curiusbtonsee if there will be a response 🤷🏻‍♀️

Either

a) he'll apologise and accept it.

b) he'll come back with a personal insult

c) he'll make put I'm uptight and unreasonable

Not that I care particularly but I do want to make the point that he was quite happy to share an unknown woman's humiliation across the internet and be entertained by it whilst deleting his own dick pick to prevent the same, if appropriate.

Can any of those women who are so cool with it explain that one?

OP posts:
nolovelost · 26/12/2020 10:12

He's very childish and sending you these things is disrespectful. I had one of these, he was late 40s, he would talk to me as if I was one of his male friends and talked about his cock too much. He told me that his ex wife didn't like that side of him so I told him that I didn't either and binned him. He would have driven me insane. Didn't regret binning him one bit!

Hope you find someone more grown up!

DippingToes · 26/12/2020 10:12

Well done for sending the message, OP.

It seems his whole idea of a relationship is based on sex, which is very odd, particularly at 50!

You were right to nip this in the bud, it would only have got worse.

Thanks
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 26/12/2020 10:13

Anyway, I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work.

I'm pleased that you edited this to take out the "probably" - although I'd agree it's probably for the best that you discovered this divergence now as it sounds like a red flag that he was pushing your boundaries.

My best wishes for meeting someone who is more in tune with you.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 10:13

Sandals19

When you put it all together like that...

He did also tell me that he'd gone to bed for a wank after christmas dinner too...

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 26/12/2020 10:13

Oh and the fact that his behaviour is common is due to the fact that a. Internet porn, more extreme than porn has ever been, is fucking (no pun intended) our society. People's, especially men, concept of normal is fucked up.

Lots of men don't seem to be able to consider that the women are paid performers, or coerced, or in some cases outright victims of sexual abuse/assault, with an tiny minority of amateur exhibitionists (done if whom may be in abusive, exploitative relationships, you'd not know).

I've had a guy I was making polite conversation with at a bar at Halloween, when talking about the realism of the gun that was part of his costume, raise it towards face and say "suck it".
I was so taken aback I said nothing in response, but wished I'd given a swift kick to the balls; as well as reminding him that this is real life, not porn. They all seem to be reminded that this is real life, not porn.

And b. Let's face it, the majority of men who are single past a certain age are just circulating trash.
They're only coupled up for as long as it takes the woman to realise what they're like and kick him out.

Sandals19 · 26/12/2020 10:16

He told me that his ex wife didn't like that side of him

Point illustrated.

Djouce · 26/12/2020 10:23

@ByAnotherNameToday

Sandals19

When you put it all together like that...

He did also tell me that he'd gone to bed for a wank after christmas dinner too...

And they say romance is dead...

The more you say about him, the worse he sounds, OP.

boymum9 · 26/12/2020 10:23

Reading this through I'm proud you sent him that message!
My ex h used to receive (from group chats) videos like this all the time and show me and think it was HILARIOUS, I used to find it disgusting but basically kept my mouth shut about it. His view on this kind of stuff was one of the reasons I left him, from what I witnessed it came hand in hand with his complete lack of respect sexually for me, constant guilt tripping, eventually forcing himself on me and worse in the end. I think someone who gets genuine amusement out of this stuff and think it's ok will show their true colours in anything sexual as time goes on.
My ex h (who I had the pleasure of spending Christmas Day with) on two occasions yesterday goes "I don't know if you'll find this funny anymore" and proceeds to try show me a video and a photo not too dissimilar to what you're describing!! I cannot tell you how many times I have told him I don't and I think it's disgusting and disrespectful. We have two young boys and he finding this stuff ok terrifies me. What is interesting is that is family, including his mother would find it hilarious, so I can see where he's got it from, he's 40, he's not going to change!

Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 10:24

@ByAnotherNameToday
since you have asked, more than once Hmm
the reason i am ok with the clip i saw, which i did not repeat to watch again, have not dwelled on, i cannot explain but i assume is because i have never been sexually assaulted let alone raped. your experience is alien to me, it is just a made up clip, those who want to argue with me for not being upset or traumatised, dont bother. Again, it may not be the same clip. it was so fast, delete it from your phone op, just as i did - dont dwell on it, perhaps revisit any help you received following your sexual assault?

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 26/12/2020 10:25

[quote Skipsurvey]@ByAnotherNameToday
since you have asked, more than once Hmm
the reason i am ok with the clip i saw, which i did not repeat to watch again, have not dwelled on, i cannot explain but i assume is because i have never been sexually assaulted let alone raped. your experience is alien to me, it is just a made up clip, those who want to argue with me for not being upset or traumatised, dont bother. Again, it may not be the same clip. it was so fast, delete it from your phone op, just as i did - dont dwell on it, perhaps revisit any help you received following your sexual assault?[/quote]
So things only matter if they have happened to you personally? Very odd way to approach things.

hocuspocus1922 · 26/12/2020 10:26

Wow what a slime ball op ! Get rid of him I can't be dealing with so called men who share videos like this . So immature and pathetic . My partner was part of a what's app group like this and when I found out if he didn't leave I would of left him . I actually moved out . I would send that message 100 percent

Kimakima · 26/12/2020 10:27

@ByAnotherNameToday

That's a few of us then! Grin

He's 50 🙄

Thing is I'm not a prude.

We'd been messaging on and off through the day and the messages were fine.

He'd sent me a photo earlier of his 'gift wrapped' cock as a bit of a joke and I was fine with that. It was in context of the conversation at that moment and was quite amusing but he definitely misjudged that video massively.

Who the hell would send pic of their gift wrapped cock. He sounds like such a catch🤨
Pumba3 · 26/12/2020 10:27

“He'll get worse, he's just testing the waters at the moment.”

This!!

Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 10:27

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule, i am simply answering the op's question about those who are ok with it, that ok with you Angry

Fressia123 · 26/12/2020 10:28

If I were you with your personality and past history no I wouldn't have been on with. Me with my own personal history wouldn't have had an issue with it.

Fluffymule · 26/12/2020 10:28

I've never been sexually assaulted either. I still find the sexual humiliation and assault of other people, whether real or portrayed for entertainment and laughs, unacceptable.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 10:29

And they say romance is dead...

🤣

Honestly, I'm 45. How is it that 50 year old men are more disgusting than the teenage boys of youth!!

OP posts:
BrandoraPaithwaite · 26/12/2020 10:29

I totally agree with you OP. Bin him.

tinselearedcow · 26/12/2020 10:31

God, it's worrying how the bar is set so low for some. Well done OP, you did the right thing to dump this loser. No wonder he is single!

dottiedodah · 26/12/2020 10:32

I would not be OK with this! Sounds absolutely frightful.Gift wrapped Cock OK ish in the terms of the conversation I guess . Do you think he was drunk(Not an excuse obv) I dont think there is a woman alive who would find this funny TBH

1992serpent · 26/12/2020 10:33

Just write back that you're not interested in crap like that on your phone and to not send anything like that again. Sounds like it wouldn't work between you two anyway, he's very immature.