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Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 26/12/2020 09:35

I am newly dating someone who is 51. It is already getting serious, probably the most serious relationship I have ever had and I am future planning in my head, like he is. If he sent me any porn, let alone violence, then I would be running for the hills as my feelings and perception of him would change in an instant. I am glad you saw this as the biggest red flag in history. It tells you all you need to know about either his ignorance towards the oppressive porn industry, or his deep rooted beliefs about women and their place in the pecking order in his mind. You did good, and well done for being strong and vigilant enough to protect yourself against this rubbish.

Lottapianos · 26/12/2020 09:35

Have you sent him that message OP?

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 09:36

I think my only follow response to any reply I receive will be to point out that he is happy to share a clip of this woman's humiliation and is amused by it yet deleted his own anonymous dick pick to protect himself from similar and that tells me all I need to know.

OP posts:
Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 09:37

i imagine those who are ok with your description of the clip have not been sexually assaulted op.
you cannot compare your experience

Charlie63849 · 26/12/2020 09:37

It wouldn’t bother me at all and I wouldn’t be angry about it either but then I don’t have a problem with a partner watching porn either.

I’d find the gift wrapped willy amusing.

Isitsixoclockalready · 26/12/2020 09:38

@ByAnotherNameToday

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

I don't even think that it needs such a wordy reply. If he can't see that this is inappropriate then there's clearly a compatibility issue.
Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 09:38

If it is the same one I have seen i was shocked but not traumatized by it

HollyGenneroMcClane · 26/12/2020 09:38

Well done op. Some women’s boundaries are so completely fucked by men, it is always great to see examples of a normal reaction to assault.

Haffiana · 26/12/2020 09:38

@Twinpeaksdancingman

I have seen this video, didn’t bother me...

You don’t seem compatible, send the text, move on.

If it had been a slap with a hand would you still be OK with it?

So many women have lost their way sexually and do not even know it.

HollyGenneroMcClane · 26/12/2020 09:39

@Skipsurvey

If it is the same one I have seen i was shocked but not traumatized by it
Which should be even more shocking, because we have got to a stage we just accept this treatment of women.
Ithinkim · 26/12/2020 09:41

I wouldn't send your message.

I don't think he deserves an explanation. I would just reply that you're not going to be seeing him again and leave it at that.

Let him work out why it's not funny.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 26/12/2020 09:41

I wouldn't be okay with that . I think he is showing his true colours

HollyGenneroMcClane · 26/12/2020 09:43

@Skipsurvey

i imagine those who are ok with your description of the clip have not been sexually assaulted op. you cannot compare your experience
But the woman in the clip has been sexually assaulted. And they're ok with that.

Like women in porn are generally exploited, and often trafficked. And they're ok with that too.

Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 09:44

the one i saw was not about hurting the woman,
not that i studied it,
it is a count down to new year one

each to their own

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 09:44

It wasn't funny. It was obviously painful, humiliating and degrading.

She clearly didn't find it funny so I'm not quite sure why you do...

Anyway, I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work.

Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here.

Is what i sent.

To contrast that, one of my male friends (actually an ex bf I'm still good friends with) messaged me to ask how the day was going shortly after I received the video.

I said the same to him that I was just feeling a bit melancholy and sad. I hadn't been expecting to so and it caught me unawares - I'd actually had a nice day planned for myself and ended up doing virtually none of it!

His response was to phone me up for a chat and to connect in that way.

World's apart...

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 26/12/2020 09:47

No.

I think your response in your OP is spot on. Of course you don't have to explain further.

What he sent is the kind of thing some blokes would send to each other. They are sharing the joke that they find the sexual humiliation of women funny. To send that to a woman suggests a stupid lack of insight or care.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 09:47

Skipsurvey

Has it occurred to you that, as the clip you described is nothing like the clip i described, that it might not he the same clip... Hmm

Besides, I have no desire to be seen as cool by men who have no respect for women. Nor to see other women being degraded.

But, as you say, each to their own...

OP posts:
MagentaRocks · 26/12/2020 09:49

@Skipsurvey

If it is the same one I have seen i was shocked but not traumatized by it
I haven’t seen it but I wouldn’t be traumatised either - but then I haven’t been a victim of sexual assault. If I had been I would no doubt feel very differently. You seem to be minimising it.

I wouldn’t like to receive something like this. We all have different boundaries and what is funny for some isn’t for other but given he knows your history and he found it funny to send you says it all. I am glad you are strong enough to end it with him. Lots wouldn’t be, partly because there are lots of people that excuse this type of thing.

Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 09:49

i did say that op

Viviennemary · 26/12/2020 09:49

The first one is even worse. He sounds really weird.

Standrewsschool · 26/12/2020 09:50

I wouldn’t find it funny either.

TheSockMonster · 26/12/2020 09:53

I find these sort of ‘jokes’ deeply unfunny and they make me feel very uncomfortable. I struggle to put into words why they do and really feel the pressure to be the cool girl and laugh them off.

It upsets me that other people find them funny and that I’m meant to find them funny too. It’s a horrible feeling of dissonance.

Ideasplease322 · 26/12/2020 09:54

Well done op. This man sounds like an idiot, best to let him go.

I would question the intelligence of a man who sent that sort of clip. I wouldn’t consider a relationship with him because I know he would irritate me and I would have no respect for him.

Best let him go.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 26/12/2020 09:59

Well done op, I think you did exactly the right thing. He sounds horrible and I imagine that his behaviour and expectations would have only get worse. You’ve had a lucky escape. Take care and pamper yourself today Flowers

Snowdrop30 · 26/12/2020 10:00

Bleurgh, that's horrid. Bin.