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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
DimidDavilby · 26/12/2020 13:24

At first I thought you were being prudish but actually I think it's my boundaries that are wrong. In my first relationship there was a huge pressure to be OK with some really questionable porn and I realise I havent really examined my attitudes surrounding it.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 13:25

Ok. He's replied.

He's apologised for being insensitive. Explained why he thought it was funny, that he isn't violent and the people involved were clearly acting and he thinks that dumping him is a harsh and hurried judgement.

It's hard to convey tone but the tone was definitely contrition rather than than defensive.

Doesn't make any difference though. I've learnt my lesson when it comes to going men who push your boundaries second chances.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 26/12/2020 13:25

I despair of teenage boys that find this sort of thing funny, never mind a 50 year old man. My husband says a lot of his friends would think this sort of thing was funny. He often comes back from work grumbling about how immature they are and disrespectful they are to their wives. Not my kind of guy. I’d rather be single.

christmasathomeagain · 26/12/2020 13:27

I get these sort of videos from my (female) cousin so they don't bother me to much but it is totally ok for it to bother you. Even without your history but given your history I think it completely understandable you feel this way.

Your message is well written and I think you found your incompatibility early enough in the relationship that you are not to invested.

Honeyroar · 26/12/2020 13:27

Let’s hope next time he goes to share something similar perhaps he will remember this and have a prickle of conscience.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 13:28

DimidDavilby Flowers

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 26/12/2020 13:32

Very low brow.

Yuk.

If he were still playing football, he's the type to watch 'the strippers' on Sunday and expext his dinner on the table.

Blimey, 50 years old you say.

Raise the bar !

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 13:34

I get these sort of videos from my (female) cousin so they don't bother me to much but it is totally ok for it to bother you

It bothers me that they are made and circulated for
amusement purposes in the first place.

It bothers me that the humiliation and degradation of women is accepted as a form of entertainment and source of sexual arousal for men.

That would bother me regardless of experiences.

My experiences don't make this less acceptable to me but it does reflect badly on him that he would send it knowing what my experiences are

I guess this is one of those 'read the room' situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 13:36

He's messaged again to say that he is disappointed I've blocked him on fb and that he really liked me.

Makes me a bit sad that another one has gone this way but I don't regret the decision.

OP posts:
PenelopePiper · 26/12/2020 13:36

I haven't been sexually assaulted OR raped and I would certainly not be ok with that type of video.

I know it's wrong to share that stuff with his mates but I do know "normal" guys who do this. What I can't understand is why on earth he would think it was a good idea to share with you?! How bizarre that he thought you'd like that.

On a positive note, I think you're Roy is awesome. Eloquent, pithy and straight to the point without being mean. If I ever need a hand writing something can you help me?

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 13:37

Besides, he'll have an online dating profile set up by the time he's finished his next coffee Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 13:40

PenelopePiper Grin Flowers

OP posts:
OhDearMuriel · 26/12/2020 13:40

He explained why he thought it was "funny"??
His humour is way off the mark.
If he thinks that's funny, I'd be wondering what else he's looking at.
You're well rid.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 26/12/2020 13:42

@ByAnotherNameToday

I get these sort of videos from my (female) cousin so they don't bother me to much but it is totally ok for it to bother you

It bothers me that they are made and circulated for
amusement purposes in the first place.

It bothers me that the humiliation and degradation of women is accepted as a form of entertainment and source of sexual arousal for men.

That would bother me regardless of experiences.

My experiences don't make this less acceptable to me but it does reflect badly on him that he would send it knowing what my experiences are

I guess this is one of those 'read the room' situations.

Yes.

And I’m almost more angry - but not quite, I feel sadness and pity more than anything, but almost - that women feel it’s ok to send things like this. Nasty.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 13:49

He explained why he thought it was "funny"??

He thought the fact it came as a surprise/shock at the end of something innocuous was funny, not the clip itself. He said he hadn't intended it to upset me. He said it was a mutually consensual s&m thing.

He hasn't criticised me for my response to it at least.

But that makes no difference.

Would just be nice to meet someone kind decent, respectful, and not porn ruined!

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 26/12/2020 13:50

Well done OP for sticking with your decision. Maybe he will do some serious reflecting, maybe he wont. Either way, not your problem

CrazyToast · 26/12/2020 13:54

Even if it was consenting actors, acting, that isnt really the point. The point is-- why do men love to see women humiliated sexually? And he is 50? From a 20 year old I might expect that but jeez. Well done OP for ditching him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2020 13:58

Says so much about some men that they happily share pictures and videos of women being hurt, humiliated and degraded but would never share any pictures and videos of animals being hurt.

Women are less worthy of respect than animals to them. They find it funny when a woman is hurt or shocked and find it upsetting when an animal is hurt or shocked.

Thank god there are plenty of decent men around but bloody hell at times it feels they're hidden in a sea of awful ones.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2020 13:58

Also OP you sound awesome Flowers

parsnipsnotsprouts · 26/12/2020 14:01

Nope not ok

Djouce · 26/12/2020 14:02

@ByAnotherNameToday

He explained why he thought it was "funny"??

He thought the fact it came as a surprise/shock at the end of something innocuous was funny, not the clip itself. He said he hadn't intended it to upset me. He said it was a mutually consensual s&m thing.

He hasn't criticised me for my response to it at least.

But that makes no difference.

Would just be nice to meet someone kind decent, respectful, and not porn ruined!

Well, I’d have said that him thinking you dumping him was a ‘harsh and hurried’ decision at least implied he thought you were over-reacting.

He sounds awful, OP. Upward and onward.and good on you.

DumpedByText · 26/12/2020 14:02

Nope I wouldn't be OK with it, send the message and block him.

He's clearly testing your boundaries to see how far he can push his porn learnt desires.

AntiHop · 26/12/2020 14:02

"Rember the woman in the porn clip is being an actress,and putting on a performance of mock horror,"

Ah the old "it's just acting" chestnut @thosetalesofunexpected

The women in porn are not pretending to have sex. They are really experiencing that violence and sexual violence. It's not staged.

Well done op, I would have felt exactly the same.

As with other PPs, I haven't been sexually assaulted either. And I'm still furious about the normalisation of violence towards women in porn.

Purplethrow · 26/12/2020 14:05

I had this years ago , from a police officer that I was seeing ( that somehow made it worse ) it made me feel sick . I ended it there and then but obviously got the ‘you’re frigid , have no sense of humour’ reply.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 26/12/2020 14:08

OP - you have absolutely done yourself a massive favour!!!! 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻