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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
Skipsurvey · 26/12/2020 11:25

@Techway. hard to put myself in op's shoes, have been with dh for 30 years, i would have to think back along way to when i was in early 20, and being in early 20s i expect is not comparable to op, so irrelevant.

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 11:26

He sounds like someone I was talking to, his name doesn’t begin with S does it? Saying things like “I’m going for a wank” are a) unnecessary and b) all about pushing boundaries.

No. But I suspect there's an awful.lot of men like this. He was rather fond of talking about his cock...

I agree with the rest of your post.

OP posts:
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 11:29

Why would he think that's okay to send you. Wheres his respect to you as a human, a woman his girlfriend.

We quite...

OP posts:
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 11:32

When I've had a response, I'll feed back.

I'll give him 12 hours to respond. After that I'll block and delete everything anyway.

Tbh, I'd rather he acepted/ignored or ranted. I don't want to read a self pitying response.

OP posts:
Cam77 · 26/12/2020 11:33

God there's some weird men out there. I've seen some weird stuff but in what world is it a good idea to send to a partner.

HmmSureJan · 26/12/2020 11:34

It seems his whole idea of a relationship is based on sex, which is very odd, particularly at 50!

Sadly this is not uncommon in men of this age group who find themselves single, especially after a long marriage or relationship. Some of them seem thoroughly overexcited by now being in a position to use porn in this way. They've probably been using it throughout their marriages but had to keep it hidden and now they can be more open about it and start trying to find out if single women really are as Up For It as porn suggests. Now that they'll not be stuck with their "uptight, frigid wife" Hmm. The women who claim to be "ok with it" and who "wouldn't bat an eyelid" don't help as that kind of man will keep doing this to every woman he becomes involved with because he knows there are actually women who will go along with it. They need more women dishing out sharp responses and refusing to put up with it, like OP.

thosetalesofunexpected · 26/12/2020 11:35

Hi Op
I have a different take(alternative viewpoint on your Post.

(Op I think unitenically, you have Confused somewhat,your boyfriend by being Ok earlier on about Jokey image of a gift wrapped penis.

Also I think that your horrific experience of being sexually assaulted/raped in the past.

Has coloured/Clouded your perspective of his video message of a short scene of eronmous cock being slapped in woman's face.

(That kind of porno clip,really is made in like a spoof comedy sketch,(thinkof for e.g of Porkies sex comedy film of 1980s( Kim Catrell from sex an city fame.
I agree its in very poor taste obviously to appeal to men.

Its really good you have good robust boundaries.

(I think be beneficial for you to explore different kinds of therapies/theories to help you to heal from the sexual assault/rape in your past.

Also look into more sensual perspectives/aspects of female sexuality such Tantric/karma sutra sex guide books, and also, the recently updated version of classic sexual guide book The Joy of sex by Author,Susan I can't rember her surname sorry,(it is a classic updated version of 1970s still popular book of its genre.

It been recently updated to reflect modern Contempary sexual attitudes,mores etc,whilst still keeping faithful/authentically to the orginal book contents of what made this sex guide book so popular back then 1970s and its still popular 40 + yrs later now.

Rember the woman in the porn clip is being an actress,and putting on a performance of mock horror,
Like in a mainstream movie in which sometimes their is a scene of an actress presenting to be upset about something..

I dont like the idea behind the mock horror comedy sketch either..

PixelatedLunchbox · 26/12/2020 11:38

@ByAnotherNameToday

He's been entirely respectful of my own boundaries so far so I suspect he won't see the issue at all and will just insist that he wouldnt donthat to me or something.

I'm not going to explain my reasons. It really does just expose a complete incompatibility.

Glad that I'm not alone though!

If he sent you that he's looking at worse. Grim. Yuck Confused
coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 11:47

What was his response, sorry?

OP said the woman was shocked and hurt by it and some people here are saying it was just a joke. This place gets weirder by the day.

Glad you've ditched him, OP.

HmmSureJan · 26/12/2020 11:49

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi Op I have a different take(alternative viewpoint on your Post.

(Op I think unitenically, you have Confused somewhat,your boyfriend by being Ok earlier on about Jokey image of a gift wrapped penis.

Also I think that your horrific experience of being sexually assaulted/raped in the past.

Has coloured/Clouded your perspective of his video message of a short scene of eronmous cock being slapped in woman's face.

(That kind of porno clip,really is made in like a spoof comedy sketch,(thinkof for e.g of Porkies sex comedy film of 1980s( Kim Catrell from sex an city fame.
I agree its in very poor taste obviously to appeal to men.

Its really good you have good robust boundaries.

(I think be beneficial for you to explore different kinds of therapies/theories to help you to heal from the sexual assault/rape in your past.

Also look into more sensual perspectives/aspects of female sexuality such Tantric/karma sutra sex guide books, and also, the recently updated version of classic sexual guide book The Joy of sex by Author,Susan I can't rember her surname sorry,(it is a classic updated version of 1970s still popular book of its genre.

It been recently updated to reflect modern Contempary sexual attitudes,mores etc,whilst still keeping faithful/authentically to the orginal book contents of what made this sex guide book so popular back then 1970s and its still popular 40 + yrs later now.

Rember the woman in the porn clip is being an actress,and putting on a performance of mock horror,
Like in a mainstream movie in which sometimes their is a scene of an actress presenting to be upset about something..

I dont like the idea behind the mock horror comedy sketch either..

Ffs! Hmm
tinselearedcow · 26/12/2020 11:49

Also look into more sensual perspectives/aspects of female sexuality such Tantric/karma sutra sex guide books, and also, the recently updated version of classic sexual guide book The Joy of sex by Author,Susan I can't rember her surname sorry,(it is a classic updated version of 1970s still popular book of its genre

I honestly don't understand why you've posted this advice?

tinselearedcow · 26/12/2020 11:50

Are you a man thosetalesofunexpected?

Djouce · 26/12/2020 11:50

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi Op I have a different take(alternative viewpoint on your Post.

(Op I think unitenically, you have Confused somewhat,your boyfriend by being Ok earlier on about Jokey image of a gift wrapped penis.

Also I think that your horrific experience of being sexually assaulted/raped in the past.

Has coloured/Clouded your perspective of his video message of a short scene of eronmous cock being slapped in woman's face.

(That kind of porno clip,really is made in like a spoof comedy sketch,(thinkof for e.g of Porkies sex comedy film of 1980s( Kim Catrell from sex an city fame.
I agree its in very poor taste obviously to appeal to men.

Its really good you have good robust boundaries.

(I think be beneficial for you to explore different kinds of therapies/theories to help you to heal from the sexual assault/rape in your past.

Also look into more sensual perspectives/aspects of female sexuality such Tantric/karma sutra sex guide books, and also, the recently updated version of classic sexual guide book The Joy of sex by Author,Susan I can't rember her surname sorry,(it is a classic updated version of 1970s still popular book of its genre.

It been recently updated to reflect modern Contempary sexual attitudes,mores etc,whilst still keeping faithful/authentically to the orginal book contents of what made this sex guide book so popular back then 1970s and its still popular 40 + yrs later now.

Rember the woman in the porn clip is being an actress,and putting on a performance of mock horror,
Like in a mainstream movie in which sometimes their is a scene of an actress presenting to be upset about something..

I dont like the idea behind the mock horror comedy sketch either..

This is an offensively stupid post. I have never been raped and I assure you that I am not amused by scenes of sexual assault, whether simulated or unstaged. They are not comic, unless you are a misogynistic idiot who finds a woman being punched by a giant penis funny.
Djouce · 26/12/2020 11:50

@tinselearedcow

Are you a man thosetalesofunexpected?
Indeed.
Djouce · 26/12/2020 11:51

I think the mansplaining about porn ‘acting’ and Porkies may be a clue, @tinselearedcow.

CoraPirbright · 26/12/2020 11:51

Bravo OP for such firm boundaries! You clearly know yourself well and have a firm sense of worth and what you will and will not accept. Plenty of people would have a lot to learn from you.

Re: the clip, for me its not so much the sexual aspect or the violence that I find disturbing, its the humiliation. That someone set that up, filmed it and then it has been distributed repeatedly shows such a deep-seated disregard for the feelings of women. What if that was their sister? Mother? But, oh, its just some woman so ha ha! Chilling.

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 11:52

So refreshing to read somebody who just acts immediately on their own line.

I know in the past, I've had theoretical boundaries and they seem so clear in theory but then in a relationship somehow they seem less clear. So, I admire you. if I'm allowed! Wine

BabyYodasRattle · 26/12/2020 11:54

Wow. What a loser. Gross.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 26/12/2020 11:55

He was rather fond of talking about his cock...

That was surely a sign of his immaturity, wasn't it? Most men have got over the fact that they have one by their early 20s.

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 11:55

I'm just aghast that some posters think that a reasonable boundary (ie, no thank you to women being humiliated) needs to be explored in therapy. FFS. I find it really hard to be polite online sometimes.
I have never been raped or assaulted and I would react in the same way as the OP has done, so what is there to ''explore''. I see a psychotherapist (because of the relationship with my parents, giving me silent treatment) and boundaries are not something a therapist is ever going to encourage to to let go of. Such a nonsense armchair smug utterance. ''explore it in therapy''. Geeez.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 26/12/2020 11:56

Wow, porn actresses are acting?

We had no idea. Thanks for explaining. Hmm

Allispretty · 26/12/2020 11:58

He sounds like an utter sex pest and well done for standing your ground with boundaries I suspect many women wouldn't. Dick pics are the kind of thing 18 year olds do when they are clueless fgs

Chickychickydodah · 26/12/2020 12:00

He sounds like a dirty old man going through midlife crisis and he’s testing your boundaries.
Block and move on...

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 26/12/2020 12:01

@Snowy0w1

I'm just aghast that some posters think that a reasonable boundary (ie, no thank you to women being humiliated) needs to be explored in therapy. FFS. I find it really hard to be polite online sometimes. I have never been raped or assaulted and I would react in the same way as the OP has done, so what is there to ''explore''. I see a psychotherapist (because of the relationship with my parents, giving me silent treatment) and boundaries are not something a therapist is ever going to encourage to to let go of. Such a nonsense armchair smug utterance. ''explore it in therapy''. Geeez.
Yes quite.

I’ve never been (seriously) sexually assaulted. I am not personally traumatised by things relating to it. I can still be angry on behalf of other women and girls, and find the grimness of this clip and the attitudes behind it utterly repugnant.

roastedpudding · 26/12/2020 12:03

No, there's no way I'd be OK with that.