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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there anyone who ^would^ be ok with this?

473 replies

ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 06:54

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and its exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend all that. Not that it's relevant but just wanted to give some context. He's been very nice to me so far. Made a few porn related references/requests but has been respectful and not mentioned again when I've said no.

Yesterday, I spent the day alone - it was my choice. He had invited me over. Anyway, I anticipated a day of self indulgence but ended up just feeling melancholy and sad.

To 'cheer me up' he sent me a short video of something completely innocuous but at the end it transitioned to a brief 'porn' clip of a woman getting slapped in the face by an enormous erect cock. I'm aware it was probably set up but she appeared to be shocked by it and, tbh, it looked painful.

I saw it but didn't reply because I was feeling a bit crap and just couldn't be bothered dealing with it.

That was about 7pm and 40 mins later he sent a follow up message saying he had thought it was funny anyway.

I didn't respond to that either and heard nothing else.

I want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

I can anticipate his reaction that I'm over reacting and it's just a joke but I've been sexually assaulted in the past and raped and i just don't find it funny. I think its probably the sort of thing he and his mates send to each other and so won't see the problem with it.

It just put me right off.

But i am curious as to whether anyone would actually be ok with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 10:56

He's an intellectual, intelligent, socially aware, left wing man.

I know, you don't need to spell it out for me Wink

OP posts:
Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 10:57

@gettingfedupagain

The women who "can't see the problem" have been groomed to accept the depiction of sexual violence against women in order to not upset men. There's an element of Stockholm syndrome "oh look it's happening to that woman, if I upset the men it could happen to me" but it's terrifying to identify this in yourself. Look how much "prude" has been used on here! It's used by men to make women question their sexual boundaries and accept poor treatment.
yes, sorry I can't link to them but I know there are studies showing that women align themselves more with men in countries like colombia where belonging to a man gives you more safety on balance than challenging the sexist norms. it's a survival strategy.

But that is forgivable in third world countries but not in the UK and Europe.

GoingPlaces2021 · 26/12/2020 10:58

The reason why he is 50 and single is because he is a complete arsehole.

I'm 50 and this is not the natural behavior of someone that age male or female. I would expect it of a teenager who has had no boundaries.

Honeslty, if I find myself single again I won't be putting up with shit like that.

GreenlandTheMovie · 26/12/2020 10:58

Ugh, how off putting. And it's only going to get worse. The fact that you didn't want to siend Christmas Day with him is telling too.

He kniws you don't like it, so why the hell did he send you it? Some cheap thrill seeking behaviour to disgust you that overrides even basic rules of social interaction?

He's vile.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/12/2020 10:58

I remember you posting yesterday - were you the poster who hadn't received a Merry Christmas message? You'd spent a few months having dinners together but weren't officially together?

Because he was a loser yesterday and a loser today.

Whatever you're searching for in a man, you're not going to find it in him.

MrsJBaptiste · 26/12/2020 10:58

'Wouldn't bat an eyelid'

Gosh what a cool girl. Good girl, pat on the bum

No, the OP asked and people answered. That doesn't determine whether they're 'cool' or not (and that phrase is so fucking annoying) they're just replying to a thread.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 10:59

Puzzledandpissedoff

Hi, no it was my good friend/ex boyfriend who phoned up for a chat.

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 26/12/2020 11:00

@ByAnotherNameToday

He's an intellectual, intelligent, socially aware, left wing man.

I know, you don't need to spell it out for me Wink

But he's not though is he? He's the type of person who sends you dick pics and videos of sexual violence at Christmas.

Move on.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/12/2020 11:01

If you're fine with your partner laughing at the sight of a man sexually assaulting a woman, what is that, if not the definition of being a "cool girl"?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2020 11:03

no it was my good friend/ex boyfriend who phoned up for a chat

Ah; apologies, OP - I misunderstood Blush

Assuming that means he's not responded that's nothing but good. No doubt he'll now find someone else to share his dubious tastes with ...

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 11:03

I remember you posting yesterday - were you the poster who hadn't received a Merry Christmas message? You'd spent a few months having dinners together but weren't officially together?

I read that thread but no, not me.

I only met him in the middle of October .

OP posts:
windmill26 · 26/12/2020 11:03

Not OK. Say goodbye now ...

WakingUp55643 · 26/12/2020 11:04

Omg. There's a world of difference between sending each other things to turn each other on in the context of an exciting sexting chat, and a childish schoolboy 'funny' video. The fact he thought it was funny is maybe the worst thing! Why would you laugh at that?!!!! He's shown himself to be an immature idiot and if he hasn't worked out why you be upset at receiving this - on Christmas day - then there's no hope for the man. You said you were in the beginnings of a relationship with him, so surely he can read the room by this stage, and on Christmas day especially, needs to show you how much he cares about you, not this! You are absolutely right to send him your text. It's always crap to have to end a relationship you thought was going somewhere, but you've done the right thing here. I'm furious at this 'man'!!! What an absolute childish idiot! And that's not even considering what you've been through in the past. Sending you so much love OP x

TatianaBis · 26/12/2020 11:05

I wouldn’t have bothered with the explanation personally. I’d just have texted ‘ugh’ and blocked him.

Meruem · 26/12/2020 11:06

He sounds like someone I was talking to, his name doesn’t begin with S does it? Saying things like “I’m going for a wank” are a) unnecessary and b) all about pushing boundaries.

You’ve only been together two months and already he was throwing in porn related references/requests. Fine he accepted you saying no, but why was he even talking about it in the first place? It’s the constant drip drip of a message here, a photo there, or a video, that shows a complete lack of respect. He’s trying to erode your boundaries slowly and purposefully. Just small enough things so if you react as you have today he can claim “but it was just a joke” and make out you’re the unreasonable one.

You have absolutely done the right thing OP. Sadly there are a lot of men like that out there. However you don’t need to “settle” for one of these immature porn obsessives. Some decent men do still exist. Somewhere...

Snowy0w1 · 26/12/2020 11:08

i'd be curious too OP, to see if he feels he has to 'dig' a little to explain why' it's funny. Because obviously it's not funny, so it would be interesting to see if he was able to articulate why he finds it funny, or, if half way through trying to mansplain why it was funny he had some mini epiphany. That'd be nice but people like that tend to have forcefields of denial around them to protect them from reality.

Lastfreakinglegs · 26/12/2020 11:08

want to respond today saying something like, "Tbh, I'm never going to find sexual violence amusing. I think that's just exposed an incompatibility that means this isn't going to work for me. Thanks for a lovely couple of months but I'm going to leave it here."

Well said. He sounds porny and gross....

Techway · 26/12/2020 11:09

@Skipsurvey, I have thankfully never been sexually abused but still don't like it.

I don't mean to highlight you however am genuinely interested in how you would have handled it if a newish partner sent it, would you just be able to ignore and not "dwell on it"?

This is what the Op is asking, what is behind those who don't mind, are you able to block out the impact or do you see it as not harmful as you rationalise that the woman either enjoyed it or was paid for it. Is there some deeper justification or is anything in porn acceptable as long as parties appear to be adults?

I imagine op isn't the first woman he has tried this on, assuming he has had more than 2 relationships, either others are OK with it or he is frequently dumped and still hasn't adjusted his behaviour or beliefs.

I suspect he is often dumped but hopes to find a woman who will tolerate it.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/12/2020 11:12

@ByAnotherNameToday I stand by what I said though, he's a disgusting loser. Did he respond to your text?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2020 11:13

Wow you are so well rid of him. Two months and already so much disrespect. Telling you he’d gone to bed for a wank. Ewwww. In what world is that sexy?!!

HmmSureJan · 26/12/2020 11:13

It sounds utterly grim and attraction for the person who sent it would evaporate immediately. Clearly as shown by this thread there are some who wouldn't be bothered and would even find it amusing. I am not one of them and think those that would probably have quite screwed up boundaries that might be worth examining.

Catsup · 26/12/2020 11:20

Sounds like one of those blokes who think being a penis owner is the pinnacle of achievement in life. They also seem to not be able to stop touching their own constantly (fear of it falling off?)

Beautiful3 · 26/12/2020 11:23

No, that's not okay with me either. Why would he think that's okay to send you. Wheres his respect to you as a human, a woman his girlfriend. I think he was testing the waters and hoping to send you worse stuff, suggesting you incorporate them into your sex life. Horrible man. You ll well rid of him now. You can and will do so much better.

Original poster
ByAnotherNameToday · 26/12/2020 11:23

He hasn't read or respond to it yet.

He either hasn't read it yet or has read enough on 'preview' and isn't going to. He has 'last seen' turned off so no idea if he's been on WA at all.

And as he's now blocked on fb...

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 26/12/2020 11:24

If he does contact you, might be worth saying your phone had automatically downloaded his gift wrapped dick pic before he deleted it. Tell him the younger women in your office run a competition about the funniest crap they get sent & you’re considering entering it.