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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
CoronaIsWatching · 22/12/2020 17:42

You're being badly abused. Run. Now.

Duanphen · 22/12/2020 17:42

You might have said it in jest, but really it sounds like it's for the best. You said it, after all, and you sound like A Couple Who Argue, which is hell to grow up around.

So, OK, he's either being childish (in which case he loses, because he has to see this divorce through now) or he's serious, and he's the sort of man who would divorce you over what you see as a throwaway comment. Either way, he's not a good person to be around.

Congratulations! Sounds like the house will be a happier place without him.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2020 17:43

I bet he isn't paying for lawyers at this stage, OP.

Lawyers cost money...And big money, too.

I think he's calling your bluff.

Gamesmanship. Manipulation. You don't need this in your life!

Woolyminded · 22/12/2020 17:44

I'm so sorry you're living like this, it sounds like a very negative environment. Hes playing mind games. Taking your keys is a sign hes manipulative and abusive. Start making plans to leave.

dyslek · 22/12/2020 17:44

@zzizz

Love bombing and trauma bonding. Good things to Google OP.

Do not go to therapy with him. Therapy with abusive people is not recommended because they will 100% use it to manipulate you.

Yes, THIS.
ChristmasCookies · 22/12/2020 17:45

Sounds like its something his wanted for awhile and now his using you as a get out clause

Dont wait till after Christmas

Get rid NOW

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 17:47

OK. Update.

We had a talk.

All issues fall on me.

He’s gone to the cinema (I didn’t even know they were open?!). Before leaving he said I had to try and fix things because he doesn’t have the energy - ending with the snide comment “but I doubt you can, really” before storming out.

It’s his day for bath and bedtime today. But guess that’ll be me.

So, basically....am I being told to fix it, but with the provision that anything I do won’t be enough? I’m confused.

Is he actually serious? Or is this a tactic to just make sure I treat him like some deity and go ‘above and beyond’?

OP posts:
Somersetlevel · 22/12/2020 17:48

@FestiveChristmasLights

I say divorce him and you’ll look back before long and be glad you did. He sounds awful.
He sounds so,so,so abusive.

Don't apologise. Email your own lawyer and get divorced.

He sounds truly after.

He took your keys to your house and hid them. jog on.

AlternativePerspective · 22/12/2020 17:49

OP, what was this argument about?

Somersetlevel · 22/12/2020 17:50

When we gets back.

Say I've thought about it calmly and I think we need to divorce. And I hope we do it amicably.

You feel I'm at fault. I feel you are. We are clearly not compatible.

Let's not argue anymore. Let's just draw a line and be good co-parents.

Please don't cry, emotion out and move on.

TomasinaTiers · 22/12/2020 17:50

He is enjoying these power games

He enjoys bullying you

This is your life

Plan an escape

Strawberrycreamsundae · 22/12/2020 17:51

He’s a spiteful, controlling bully.
You’ll be so much better off not having to walk on eggshells all the time.

crazeelala2u · 22/12/2020 17:51

Sounds very passive aggressive controlling and you should leave, in my opinion. If there is not more to the story, get out.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 22/12/2020 17:53

So he’s now backtracking on the divorce then? By ‘fix things’ I bet he means beg, grovel, be his maid/slave, obey his rules etc until he is ready to ‘forgive’ you even though you’ve done nothing wrong other than maybe said a few things in the heat of an argument (we are all guilty of this). You know after me and my partner have an argument? We hug, we both apologise (regardless of who was in the wrong) and we make up and move on like most normal couples do. Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy and there’s clearly a massive power imbalance. If I was you I would run for the hills.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 22/12/2020 17:53

Flipping heck (could say something a great deal stronger after reading your update) he really is a complete tosser isn’t he?
Get rid.
He’s enjoying every bloody second of this 😡🤬

oakleaffy · 22/12/2020 17:53

@TierTired87

OK. Update.

We had a talk.

All issues fall on me.

He’s gone to the cinema (I didn’t even know they were open?!). Before leaving he said I had to try and fix things because he doesn’t have the energy - ending with the snide comment “but I doubt you can, really” before storming out.

It’s his day for bath and bedtime today. But guess that’ll be me.

So, basically....am I being told to fix it, but with the provision that anything I do won’t be enough? I’m confused.

Is he actually serious? Or is this a tactic to just make sure I treat him like some deity and go ‘above and beyond’?

He wants you to treat him as a Deity.

Oh, OP, I had my DH leave at Christmas...To live with OW..

It was expensive, I had a charge put on the house to pay the divorce bill, but despite the pain, I survived.

Christmas is Divorce Central.

Lawyers rub their hands with glee..

It is a huge emotional upheaval, especially with a child {It can really affect them adversely, esp. if your husband plays games...

I didn't think cinemas were open??

You are not alone. Hundreds will be going through it right at this moment.

Flowers
Strawberrycreamsundae · 22/12/2020 17:54

Actually, I would pack a bag and go and stay elsewhere, I certainly wouldn’t want to be in the same house any longer.

Topseyt · 22/12/2020 17:54

@TierTired87

OK. Update.

We had a talk.

All issues fall on me.

He’s gone to the cinema (I didn’t even know they were open?!). Before leaving he said I had to try and fix things because he doesn’t have the energy - ending with the snide comment “but I doubt you can, really” before storming out.

It’s his day for bath and bedtime today. But guess that’ll be me.

So, basically....am I being told to fix it, but with the provision that anything I do won’t be enough? I’m confused.

Is he actually serious? Or is this a tactic to just make sure I treat him like some deity and go ‘above and beyond’?

Your last paragraph contains the right answer, I suspect.

You can fix things ................... by appointing your own solicitor for the divorce.

speakout · 22/12/2020 17:54

Affair.

Trying to blame you for the marriage breakdown to alleviate his guilt.

QualityFeet · 22/12/2020 17:55

A husband is the person who sees you as being a little more beautiful, a lot more wonderful and a great deal more interesting than anyone else. They would rather see you happy than do something for themself. This is what makes life together agreeable - you both prioritise each other and when kids come you work together to put them first too.

I have no idea what your controlling, unpleasant partner is putting first but it isn’t you or his child. Put yourself first and divorce. Google grey rock techniques and grey rock away - you would be so much better by your self.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 22/12/2020 17:55

OP, did you take your keys back? Please tell me he's not gone out with them leaving you stranded at home.

CrazyBaubles · 22/12/2020 17:56

"You have to fix this but I doubt that you can" is an expertly constructed abusive sentence. It puts all responsibility to fix things on you, the doubt makes you want to prove him wrong and it's just vague enough that you don't quite know what he wants from you so no matter how hard you try he'll be able to remind you it isn't enough and you haven't fixed things yet.

It's a control thing. Awful to realise but once you see it I very much doubt you'll be able to go back.
Take your keys, put the safe and prepare to call his bluff. Tell him you can't / don't want to fix it then stop talking. If he starts to berate you, but isn't violent, put headphones in or walk away.
If there is a chance of violence, no matter how small, get a bag of essentials together now and leave.

Decadentdolphin · 22/12/2020 17:57

Grow a pair and tell him not to come back. Very convenient he's gone to the cinema on his night to do bedtime the little wanker. He's trying to control you by making you feel scared. He thinks the ball is in his court but you need to take back control here and put it firmly in yours. You did nothing wrong and he's just playing games with you. Tell him if he's not happy then to piss off somewhere else. I'd lock the door from the inside using the set of keys that were hidden in his pocket. Do not grovel, do not pander to him, do not apologise and do not attempt to fix anything. He sounds like a total headfuck.

TwentyViginti · 22/12/2020 17:59

Ah yes. The storming out after a manufactured argument. Look for the OW.

Check if your cinemas are open and what's showing.

shhsecretsquirrel · 22/12/2020 17:59

What an asshat. I'd be quietly planning my out now. Try to see if you can get hold of a good solicitor tomorrow. And definitely keep your keys safe. Good luck.