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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
dingoesatemybaby · 22/12/2020 17:11

Or RTFT OP but it sounds like he's doing you a favour. He's gaslighting you and being emotionally manipulative and abusive.

I'd go ahead with the divorce tbh

HereIAmOnceAgain · 22/12/2020 17:12

@LolaLolita click on the little arrow across from where it says relationships near the top of the screen and click on start new thread.

Decadentdolphin · 22/12/2020 17:13

He sounds like an absolute controlling twat - I would love to take him on in an argument. I doubt very much he's emailed any solicitors - he's just trying to make you scared and exert control. Don't let him have the upper hand here; tell him if he wants to separate there's no time like the present and pack a bag for him. He'll soon back down.

SunshineCake · 22/12/2020 17:15

Mumsnetters are amazing. There is always someone around to answer a query, offer a supportive hand and ear or just boost you up. Everything has been said on this thread. If you truly want out, and I think no one would blame you, then poster's will get you through to the decree absolute. Also, if you want to give him a final chance then you'll get some support but admittedly it would be less. I find there is more LTB than work it through - WIT - on here.

I'd never post with a problem after being completely bullied and attacked years ago but it warms my heart to see the newer posters being so supportive to you, @TierTired87. Take care.

Holothane · 22/12/2020 17:17

Get rid he’s just dragging you down he’ll get a shock when you hand him the papers, he’ll think your not serious but show him.

TiddyTid · 22/12/2020 17:17

The epitome of DARVO.

Don't let him backtrack.

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 22/12/2020 17:21

He really has you dancing to his tune. Fuck that.

Snowy0w1 · 22/12/2020 17:24

He sounds like he needs drama every now and then. What a drag. People like this usually lack self awareness.

I bet you the moment you say you are happy to divorce he will back track (somewhat, but holding on to the martyrdom)

zzizz · 22/12/2020 17:25

Love bombing and trauma bonding. Good things to Google OP.

Do not go to therapy with him. Therapy with abusive people is not recommended because they will 100% use it to manipulate you.

Regularsizedrudy · 22/12/2020 17:25

You are in an abusive relationship. Take him up on his offer of divorce (though of course he doesn’t want that, he just wants to make you beg.) He sounds sick in the head.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/12/2020 17:26

Divorce the controlling, abusive cunt! He sounds awful!

Snowy0w1 · 22/12/2020 17:26

@zzizz

I'd be saying "great, thanks" to everything he arranges which helps with your divorce, and getting on the case myself too. He likes that you're in pain, don't give him the satisfaction.
Yes. He is enjoying upsetting you.
Oldbutstillgotit · 22/12/2020 17:28

I have a god daughter who frequently says she doesn’t want to rock the boat and puts up with an increasing amount of absolute shit from her DH. If she disagrees he threatens divorce so she spends hours apologising .
If I were you I would rock the boat and push him overboard !

Snowy0w1 · 22/12/2020 17:32

I used to live my life "not rocking the boat" but looking back it is hard to know what i thought was good about the "boat".

Rock the boat.

Never be so afraid of yr relationship ending that you accept abuse.

ladymuck111 · 22/12/2020 17:33

OP I have lived like you are with my ex. You'll never be in the right and he will always have the upper hand. My advice get through Xmas Eve, Xmas day, Boxing Day be pleasant and then stick to your guns and leave.

RandomMess · 22/12/2020 17:34

Underneath it he's actually a nasty and cruel person, you deserve better Thanks

speakout · 22/12/2020 17:34

He doesn't get to dictate the next few days OP.

Personally I'd heave him out now and enjoy a peaceful christmas without him.

Is he having an affair?

Snowy0w1 · 22/12/2020 17:34

Yes, he ENJOYS the dynamic.

It makes him feel energised,you waiting for him to bestow forgiveness just before xmas

slipperywhensparticus · 22/12/2020 17:35

Go online file for divorce today list give reasons why your marriage is unrecoverable i bet you won't have to think hard

Snowy0w1 · 22/12/2020 17:35

You are drained by these fights. He is energised by them.

slipperywhensparticus · 22/12/2020 17:35

Give = five Confused

Thegrinchshorriblesister · 22/12/2020 17:36

He took your house keys and your scared to take them back?

That’s not a normal happy relationship

sallyfox · 22/12/2020 17:37

Go to the ends of the earth never to argue within earshot and/or sight of your daughter, otherwise she may be emotionally and/or psychologically damaged. Try counselling (preferably together). Most relationships require patience, perseverance, understanding and forgiveness. Do you love your husband?

dyslek · 22/12/2020 17:40

jeez, is your DH five years old. He sounds like a lot of hard work.

I would be asking myself if I wanted to spend the rest of my life trying to second guess his spiteful tantrums.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2020 17:41

@TierTired87
I can't believe what I'm reading..

Who on earth says ''We'll be nice Christmas Eve , Christmas Day, Boxing Day, then go back to the Divorce''

What manipulation! ....He sounds awful.

Is he expecting pleading, BJ's at Dawn, things to keep him 'happy' to make him change his mind??

He is a game player.

You don't need to be playing his silly games.

Best of luck, get Divorced.