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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 22/12/2020 18:00

Mother of God,woman,wake up and smell the damn coffee! Your husband is an abusive,immature,manipulative mother fucker! This is going to be the best Christmas gift you've ever received-realizing your self worth is far greater than living with that dumpster fire of a husband!

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:01

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule

OP, did you take your keys back? Please tell me he's not gone out with them leaving you stranded at home.
I’ve got them back. He’s gone out in a different coat.

Would totally disrupt the routine, but might go for a walk down the seafront and into town with DD, see the lights.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 22/12/2020 18:01

My DM used to play this game with my DF. She didn't actually want a divorce, she was just unhappy and didn't know how to behave as an adult.

My DF ultimately managed it by not playing the game:

So if my DM said he should leave he just did. Took the wind out of her sails as he didn't stay and grovel. Nowadays she openly says 'if he walked out I knew I'd pushed it too far and I had to shut up'

If she was ranting and wailing he just waited out her sulk until she was over it and then picked up business as usual. No walking on eggshells.

However for me as a child it was no fun at all, I didn't understand their adult behaviour and thought they were continually on the edge of divorce.

Either your DH is abusive and controlling and you should leave, or he needs to sort himself out. Neither way involves you behaving like some sort of doormat to him.

Decadentdolphin · 22/12/2020 18:02

On many threads on mumsnet opinions are divided but in this case every single poster is for once in agreement in saying that you are married to an abusive tosser. Open your eyes and take note. The whole of mumsnet are behind you and we will help you all the way.

Topseyt · 22/12/2020 18:02

I think it is only in tier 1 that cinemas are allowed to open. Are you in a tier 1 area?

TwentyViginti · 22/12/2020 18:02

Yes, go out for a walk with your DD. Clear your mind of his fuckery.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 22/12/2020 18:02

Tell him when he comes back that you agree with him, you can't fix it and aren't even going to try and you should definitely get divorced.

He's trying to get you to grovel. Don't do it, just get rid. Whatever is going on with him, he's not going to take responsibility.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:02

@TwentyViginti

Ah yes. The storming out after a manufactured argument. Look for the OW.

Check if your cinemas are open and what's showing.

It’s legit.

The only film on at the cinema is Wonder Woman and he’s obsessed with comic book films and has spoken about us going to see it. So I think it’s legit.

OP posts:
ladymuck111 · 22/12/2020 18:02

I'm smelling a rat here. Is it usual for him to just go out the the cinema? Get your ducks in a row OP. You need to be one step ahead of him.

81Byerley · 22/12/2020 18:03

Tell him he's right...and you want him out now.

moggiek · 22/12/2020 18:04

Cinemas are closed. He wants to leave the marriage. Please let him.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:04

@ladymuck111

I'm smelling a rat here. Is it usual for him to just go out the the cinema? Get your ducks in a row OP. You need to be one step ahead of him.
Yes. He goes to the cinema himself quite a lot. Film is his ‘thing’. Writes, directs short films in free time (which cost a bomb) and owns a production company. It isn’t weird which is why I don’t really question it.
OP posts:
lilylongjohn · 22/12/2020 18:04

Go for a walk and enjoy some quality time with your dd. Sod the routine it's Christmas

You've had stacks of really good advice. He's changing tact because this threat of divorce didn't work. He really is a nasty sod. Abusers do have nice times otherwise people would never stay. But it's never ok to act like this towards anyone, never mind someone you love

Candyfloss99 · 22/12/2020 18:06

Please wake up. He is abusing you. It's you who needs to be ringing solicitors.

BBCONEANDTWO · 22/12/2020 18:06

He won't divorce you - he's just gaslighting and playing games with you - unfortunately he'll hang around like a bad smell till you wake up one day and get away from him.

Iwouldlikesomecake · 22/12/2020 18:06

Make another copy of your key, OP, and hide it so that if he does this again you have a way of getting in and out.

Oh and start taking copies of anything financial you can find.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:06

@lilylongjohn

Go for a walk and enjoy some quality time with your dd. Sod the routine it's Christmas

You've had stacks of really good advice. He's changing tact because this threat of divorce didn't work. He really is a nasty sod. Abusers do have nice times otherwise people would never stay. But it's never ok to act like this towards anyone, never mind someone you love

I’m literally welling up from all the messages. I can’t really talk to anybody about this because we’ve been together 11 years and all our friends are ‘combined’ friends.
OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/12/2020 18:10

Was he your first serious relationship? The patterns of behaviour you're describing would seem to fit that.

AliceMcK · 22/12/2020 18:11

I agree with others, you sound like your in a controlling abusive relationship.

He is deliberately goading you, using your words against you, kicked you out of your bedroom, hiding your keys, you don’t have access to the full finances, he’s making you grove, your to scared to take your own keys out of his coat pocked in case it “rocks the boat”

Your entitled to make throw away comments in a argument, that’s what arguments are, but you forgive and move on from them.

Christmas or not I’d call him on it and tell him unless he lets it drop to fuck off now and not wait until after Xmas. I’d also tell him if he didn’t want to share a room with me he can sleep with the bloody dog.

You can’t have this hanging over you over Xmas.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/12/2020 18:12

Oh he is trying to make you dance like a puppet on a string here.

Ok, so it’s unfixable but people change and there’s no shame in it.

Good idea not using his company either.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/12/2020 18:14

Tell him fine - move his stuff into the spare room. Stop doing and washing for him.

Let him bugger off.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/12/2020 18:14

*cooking, not doing

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:14

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Was he your first serious relationship? The patterns of behaviour you're describing would seem to fit that.
First and only real adult one. There was another from 19-22 (I was 22 when we got together) who was massively awful and physical, which perhaps has a clouding on my overall thinking.

The problem is that I do actually really love him, so it’s hard. But I’m recognising lots of things mentioned on this thread.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 22/12/2020 18:14

He wants to end the marriage but isn't man enough to do it. So he will make you end it for him or put the blame on you. What have you got to be afraid of by divorcing him? Sounds like he is a right charmer.

Whataliberty · 22/12/2020 18:15

Please don't put up with this awful shit. It sounds like he was definitely picking for an argument to push you. I have been there. I suspect another woman is involved. But either way you don't deserve to be treated like this, don't put up with it. Take back control of your life and divorce the b@@s!**@