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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
Marmunia1975 · 22/12/2020 16:47

Work on calling his bluff.

thelegohooverer · 22/12/2020 16:49

I used to lose my keys all the time and my dh, who hadn’t an abusive bone in his body, would loan me his, or get a new key cut, or help me find them. He would never leave me stuck in the house, or our dc stuck indoors.

It’s not normal to hide someone’s keys. (Theres a name for it - gaslighting) It’s not normal to keep your partner or child trapped (there’s a name for that too- controlling). Rows that go on for days aren’t normal either . But for your Dd, all of this will be her normal.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 22/12/2020 16:51

My advice is to muster up some self respect and stop begging this manipulative piece of shit for forgiveness.

Divorce him. Believe me you do NOT want a lifetime of this treatment and tip toeing around his moods. It will be difficult, of course it will. But so will a lifetime of living with someone like him. Think of it as ripping off a plaster, yes it hurts. But it hurts less than leaving it and infection setting in.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 22/12/2020 16:52

The argument could be about control, rather than him wanting to leave and have OP be the one at fault for the breakdown. If the arguments are periodic OP it might be the way he maintains control and keeps you off balance and scrambling to fix things or shuts you up about things that upset you.

ememem84 · 22/12/2020 16:53

agree - work on calling his bluff, take back your keys - as another poster has said if he's absolutely denied he has them, then he can't then say that he knows you've taken them can he?

of as another poster suggested, change the locks. tell him you're sick of having to use his keys when you go out, or have to disturb him to go out with you etc. so you've arranged the lock change.

i'd be speaking to my own solicitor though. making sure that i had the metaphorical ducks in a row (important paperwork to hand, details of finances etc). and get ready to make my move.

as much as you say that people say things they don't mean in the heat of an argument, i personally don't think this is true. why would this have popped into your head to say when you could have literally said anything else so subconsciously i think it has been on your mind.

HannaYeah · 22/12/2020 16:53

Best marital advice I’ve gotten so far is that you cannot do anything good while your heart rate is over 100 bpm.

Guarantee yours was when you said that. Guarantee his was also.

It’s a fight and doesn’t mean you’ll get a divorce or you should. He sounds like he doesn’t fight fair though and like it’s ok for him to say shitty things then forget he’s done it, but he remembers what you’ve said and won’t forgive easily.

Counseling?

bubbleblower85 · 22/12/2020 16:54

Hi TierTired87. Firstly I am sorry your going through this at a time you obviously want to 'be merry' as much as is possible.

However this man is an abusive piece of work and he is doing you favour. He's behaviour is emotionaly manipulative and he is gas lighting you too, you are honestly better off with out this sick piece of work......I am speaking from experience.

He is invlaidating you and your feelings, and being a pathetic coward.

Another thing you could do to test that he is indeed being a manipulative abusive peice of work by threating divorce, is to play along with it and be happy at the thought and let hime know you feel relieved at seperating/divorcing. If you did that I have feeling he may do a quick turn around , as it seems he is enjoying 'tormeting' you with this, you'd take away the power he is holding over you, and I would apply for a divorce.

Whatever happens though, please believe in the possiblilty that life can actually get better after divorce, it did for me after I left myb 1st narcisstic piece of xxxxxxxx .

Lordamighty · 22/12/2020 16:57

It really isn’t normal behaviour to hide someone’s house keys.

LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 16:58

Sounds like he wants to divorce. And so do you. Leave him. Get something who deserves you!

MaryLeeOnHigh · 22/12/2020 17:01

Since he denies taking your keys, he can't possibly object to you taking them back, can he?

LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:01

We have an 18m old. My husband works at an ad agency and keeps running off on calls and into the office leaving me with the kid and the noise and my job. He says it’s an important new client but he’s also constantly texting the young female client lead. What do you think? What should I do?

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/12/2020 17:02

OP the best advice I can give you is to take some time to think and come to the realisation that actually a divorce is exactly what you want.

Nobody should be abused like you're being. And yes it's abuse, even if he isn't violent physically.

toocold54 · 22/12/2020 17:02

Sounds like you are both unhappy in this relationship.
I’ve never know anyone to bring up divorce unless they were playing games or actually wants one.

I would get Xmas out of the way of you have DCs and then have a proper adult conversation about what you both want and if you want a divorce or just to have a break.

toocold54 · 22/12/2020 17:04

@LolaLolita start your own thread and then it is easier to give you some advice else your posts will get lost Grin

katy1213 · 22/12/2020 17:05

Take the keys. Then call his bluff and see a solicitor of your own. My guess is he'll get the fright of his life - but dump him anyway, he's a dick.

Mariebarrone · 22/12/2020 17:05

@LolaLolita maybe post a new thread in the relationship topic. Your post will just get lost and unanswered here.

LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:05

I’m new to this - didn’t I just do that? How do I start my own thread? THANK YOU and so sorry Confused

isawthatt · 22/12/2020 17:05

Definitely take your keys back

Mariebarrone · 22/12/2020 17:06

Snap toocold.

NovemberR · 22/12/2020 17:06

This just isn't a normal way to live!

Agree with all the others saying he sounds deeply unpleasant, manipulative and he's enjoying playing stupid mind games with you.

I'd ignore his backtracking and be telling him, No. I genuinely want the divorce after your stupid games. I'm not living with this any longer. As you say, we'll get Christmas out of the way and I'll contact a solicitor.

nancyclancy123 · 22/12/2020 17:07

He is abusive and controlling, please don't pussyfoot around him. Divorce him!

Ched1 · 22/12/2020 17:08

He either wants a divorce, on which case there isn’t much you can do & should accept it.

OR (sounds likely) he basically wants you to pander to him & bed for forgiveness, playing games!

Either way sounds like a bit of a dick, if you’ve apologised for the comment & it’s been a few days it should be resolved!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/12/2020 17:08

He’s now said we’ll be nice on Xmas eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day, and then we’ll start making plans
WTF?
I found this comment of his really concerning, he sounds like a controlling, game playing, tormenting git. Sorry OP.
As many others have said, get the ducks in the row so you are prepared and able to defend yourself and find some real life support to help you cope in the meantime. Flowers

Vintagevixen · 22/12/2020 17:09

OP - you said its not like this all the time. You can laugh, joke, complete each other etc.

Please look up love bombing - it's a classic tactic used by psychological/emotional abusers.

They aren't always awful - they give you fun/loving times to reel you further into the relationship. When things are like this you question whether the abuse is in your head, that you're deluded etc, because the good times are so good. You downplay the walking on eggshells times to yourself and think you must be overreacting.

It's all in the script. Look up the book "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, has a whole chapter on it.

Ori2021 · 22/12/2020 17:11

What’s wrong with him? Has he got anger issues? Why is he a manipulative controlling bully? It’s a no from me