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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
HighSpecWhistle · 22/12/2020 20:33

@frazzledasarock

How long have you been with your partner?

It sounds like maybe a few years? Still the honeymoon stage. Yes, partners should be supportive, loving and fun. But long-term relationships are rarely problem free and the way you describe having fun together during lockdown doesn't sound like a long term relationship with young children. To me, it sounds like the early-ish stages of most relationships.

Not trying to say people should aim for his, but to be realistic, a 10+ year relationship isn't usually as you describe.

frazzledasarock · 22/12/2020 20:34

But then you were going to recover and he got a lot of praise for taking care of you.

Would he do the caring and shouldering responsibility of running a household if there was nobody acknowledging it or praising him? Why doesn’t he do it now?

If he had treated you badly whilst you were recovering from your accident friends and family would have called him a monster. That wouldn’t fit his narrative of himself that he has going here.

Confusedismyname · 22/12/2020 20:34

Another one who agrees you’re with an abusive man. Good luck OP

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 20:37

@Whatsnewpussyhat

Does your wage get paid into your own account? Savings? You said he controls finances but to what extent?
My wages get paid into my account. I put our bills and saving into joint accounts. These are with online banks that I don’t have access to.

I then put estimated living into a joint account.

DD clothes and my treats then come out of what is left.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 22/12/2020 20:42

He sounds like a psycho OP! How long has he been like this for?

I'd be looking to get out of this marriage in the NY as soon as you can. Stop grovelling and apologising in the meantime.

And get your keys back! He sounds extremely childish. Life really is too short for this shit.

frazzledasarock · 22/12/2020 20:44

[quote HighSpecWhistle]@frazzledasarock

How long have you been with your partner?

It sounds like maybe a few years? Still the honeymoon stage. Yes, partners should be supportive, loving and fun. But long-term relationships are rarely problem free and the way you describe having fun together during lockdown doesn't sound like a long term relationship with young children. To me, it sounds like the early-ish stages of most relationships.

Not trying to say people should aim for his, but to be realistic, a 10+ year relationship isn't usually as you describe.[/quote]
Six years and two children plus two older children from my previous relationship.

I don’t think expecting your husband to have your back is unrealistic. I wouldn’t expect DH to hide my house I keys or tell me I’m spineless.

Equally I have work colleagues who were discussing the good thing about life lockdown. One said how she was enjoying being with her husband. They’ve been married over decade.

I hope I always enjoy my husband company as much as I do now.

HannaYeah · 22/12/2020 20:45

You’ll primarily get advice here to leave him. People don’t care about the context of anything online.

People do fight. People do sometimes behave poorly. In the midst of it, it seems like disaster.

He sounds childish when he’s angry. I do relate it back to a rough childhood - having winners and losers, and the abandonment complex “you can’t leave me because I’ll leave you first”. He’s definitely behaving like an ass right now, getting an angry tattoo.

Let things cool off so you can see with a clear head. And don’t give him a chance to say any more terrible things to you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/12/2020 20:47

His response was that I didn’t have a backbone and how he guides me through life.

What a fucking horrible, patronising thing to say to anyone let alone someone you claim to love.

You sound like the kind of woman who will absolutely flourish after leaving a controlling, toxic partner.

You're clearly intelligent and self sufficient and you're not able to be your best self while this man tells you who you are. Which is someone with no backbone who is selfish and unkind - according to him. It's clear he's speaking absolutely bullshit as you are not those things.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/12/2020 20:51

But then you were going to recover and he got a lot of praise for taking care of you.

Would he do the caring and shouldering responsibility of running a household if there was nobody acknowledging it or praising him? Why doesn’t he do it now?

I think this is bang on. This type of person is very good at grand or visible gestures but where is he when he should be doing bath and bed for his own child?

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/12/2020 20:59

It looks like a conflict of interest though, when you want to give projects to your dh.

He might well be the best but it looks like nepotism.

dudsville · 22/12/2020 21:04

What is it that you think Christmas wil be like if you don't address this massive elephant in the room? Do you think it will just be fine, in an authentic way? You'll get good advice here op. What you're describing isn't a good relationship for any of you.

ElspethFlashman · 22/12/2020 21:05

Are you sure they're joint accounts?

Because if your name is on the accounts, you could just contact the bank and ask how you can get a login for yourself and set it up on your phone. Even if you don't know the account number. If you are an account holder you are entitled by law to access. He might not ever find out.

smartiecake · 22/12/2020 21:07

Are the online bank accounts in joint names? If so you can request your own log in.

Charlottejbt · 22/12/2020 21:08

My dad was exactly like that with my mum (not the keys though AFAIK). He spent all their money and treated her like crap. He's only sporadically horrible now - probably doesn't have the energy after a serious illness - though the financial abuse continues. They are nearly 70 and still together. Don't be that person: just get your financial affairs in order, and give that awful man the divorce he deserves.

ZenNudist · 22/12/2020 21:11

Can you actually have an adult conversation with him? Get him to counselling? He sounds incredibly nasty.

My dad was like this, nasty to my mum and sulks and everything is her fault, although he never offered to divorce, I wish he had!! . He is still nasty. She has become such an apologetic person who can't make a decision for herself. She literally asks me which is hot and which is cold about our taps nowadays. And she says sorry about everything even when its not her fault. It's such a shame.

As a child growing up in a house with rowing parents and dad sulking or holding things against us it was horrid. Mum was nice but we were scared of him.

You need to think about your dd. Even if he's nice to her now, as she grows up and, as people do, has disagreements with him, he's going to do it to her too.

It could affect her confidence and self esteem. And her future relationships.

Think hard about whether you want this for your and dd future.

MaryShelleysDracula · 22/12/2020 21:12

@Snowy0w1

You are drained by these fights. He is energised by them.
THIS!! Read this over and over, it sums up so much.
Tempusfudgeit · 22/12/2020 21:21

Could he have been so distraught at the hospital after your accident because he knows he's spent years controlling you and has now got you dangling exactly where he wants you? It's a lot of effort for him starting the process again with another woman. Think about it.

CorianderQueen · 22/12/2020 21:35

So you hand over almost all of your money to him and then pay for your luxuries and your child's clothes (should be joint) out of what you keep?

HES GOT ALL OF YOUR MONEY

zzizz · 22/12/2020 21:40

TBH OP, the big dramatic gestures, distraught "gather round me, pay attention to me" stuff, and temporary heroics sound about right from what you've said of him so far. Does that make up for his general behaviour to you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/12/2020 21:43

What you described as an example of him being is actually an example of him being an emotional vulture - he used the fact his own wife was in hospital to gain sympathy and position himself as a 'nice guy'.

He's a textbook abuser.

zzizz · 22/12/2020 21:48

Indeed, he made sure everyone was focused on him and his needs. And when he wouldn't leave the hospital, who was looking after the DC and helping them through the terror?

LesleyA · 22/12/2020 21:52
  1. He’s enjoying having the ‘upper hand’ and I would calmly say, okay you’re right go ahead because it’s almost certain his starting to contact lawyers are scare tactics and your apologies are just stroking his ego and reassuring him that he holds the power. He won’t follow through with it if that isn’t truly what he wants. He’ll continue to say well you said it so he’s the victim in this when he’s actually the perpetrator (google drama triangle). 2. If he doesn’t care what this is doing to DD then he’s very selfish and you could be far better off with someone mature 3. Do what you always do and you get what you always get, do something different get different. You’ve got to think bigger picture not just how stressed out and panicked he makes you feel which is why you protest. You’ve said sorry, you do not need to say it again. Act extremely mature, calm and indifferent. Don’t cave. Go into the bathroom and breathe. Change the pattern. Don’t reinforce the pattern
AviciaJones · 22/12/2020 21:55

He sounds like your mother OP. Start acting like him and see how he likes it.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 22:03

He’s home from cinema.

Following chat where I said I was up for divorce he has brought a bottle of baileys (my favourite) and some flowers.

He’s disrupting my Bridget Jones documentary. But I’ll allow it.

I don’t smoke. But I’ve nicked one of his cigs and having a cheeky one in the garden.

We’re coming to some kind of resolution.

So far I’ve been told I’m “too much like my mother” (who by the way is lovely...and also rather passive).

He has agreed that his silent treatment and how he deals with an argument is wrong.

Yet, apparently that’s just how he is and I need to work around it by not making ‘mistakes’....

.....And apologising more quickly.

I’m not sure how that’s possible as I did it first thing after I woke up. But he doesn’t count that as the apology. He counts the actions throughout the day as the apology, apparently.

I’ve said that he doesn’t create an atmosphere where that is easy. Again, his response is ‘that’s just how I am’. It’s not. This is new(ish).

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 22/12/2020 22:06

😲

So you become a surrendered wife doormat who walks on eggshells so he who must be obeyed can be king of his domain?.

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