Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
lilylongjohn · 22/12/2020 20:08

These days the cms will take it out of his wages at source so he might not have a choice in the matter

Zebracat · 22/12/2020 20:08

My sons Dad never paid a penny, but we were free.

grapewine · 22/12/2020 20:09

His response was that I didn’t have a backbone and how he guides me through life.

Show him you're in control of your own life. He sounds like he's enjoying controlling you. What an unattractive trait. To say the least. Good luck. So much good advice on this thread.

Zebracat · 22/12/2020 20:09

You come across as absolutely lovely.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/12/2020 20:13

God the more you post the more my heart sinks for you. He knows exactly where to stick the knife in and twist it doesn't he?

I left my exH aged 35 after 17 years together, it was terrified of being alone for the first time in my adult life but unexpectedly met my now DH (who I never, ever have to walk on eggshells around) within a year. I don't have DC so whilst it'll be harder for you than it was for me, it's also all the more vital so you don't end up modelling such a dysfunctional toxic dynamic to your DD.

With hindsight I actually replicated the marriage between my mum and abusive dad but had no idea at the time.

WinterSunglasses · 22/12/2020 20:13

You're getting good advice. As pp have said, agree with him. He's right, things can't be fixed, time to end it. Show you are willing to talk practicalities - they do that to upset you, so he'll be disconcerted to get it back from you. Likewise time with DD - he will say whatever he thinks will upset you most, whether that's 50/50 or even him having her full time. Don't bite but agree that you both need time with her and also to establish your independent lives (he won't like that, for you anyway). With anything intended to be contentious, don't get drawn into an argument but instead say 'we'll have to get our solicitors to sort all that out'.

Basically, do not take the bait of trying to prove him wrong or trying to prove anything. Check out the chumplady.com website - although it's about infidelity, it's very good as a resource for anyone who's been blindsided by a partner like this. It will help you realise you're not alone and that you're stronger than you realise.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 22/12/2020 20:15

it was his agreed ‘treat’ for the struggles of COVID

I hope you got a treat too.

TwentyViginti · 22/12/2020 20:16

This often doesn’t work out though.
His own father never paid a penny.

See how your thoughts automatically return to him for reference?

As a pp said, money can be taken at source.

yearinyearout · 22/12/2020 20:18

He sounds awful, maybe divorce is the best option. He has you exactly where he wants you, controlling you, making you feel guilty.

Do you really want to stay married to him?

BlueThistles · 22/12/2020 20:18

Christ he sounds repulsively abusive ... what a big hard man he is.. bullying his wife and child into treating him like a King... scum is what he is 😏

MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/12/2020 20:18

Oh, and don't be fooled by him and your DD being allegedly close. She will have picked up on the cold atmosphere of disapproval in the house when he gives you the silent treatment for days or weeks so will probably be desperate for his approval.

I grew up to be a total people pleaser (in a bad way) with low self esteem and despite lots of counselling it's something I still battle with.

frazzledasarock · 22/12/2020 20:18

Don’t give the current project to your husband’s company.

Find another one which is better.

Are you happy with this man?

Can you envision your life with him after you’ve retired, is this the man you want to wake up next to every single day and spend day in day out with? Would he take care of you if you were unwell and be loving and kind to you?

I married my DH this year. I realised during lockdown that he was my favourite person, being together shut up in a house with him was fun. Working together, going out together for (endless) walks, planning our future together.
He’s my biggest advocate, when I was feeling down he told me he’d support me to do whatever I need to do.

Your H doesn’t sound like he builds you up or has your back. He sounds like he enjoys taking you down a peg or two despite the fact you are the reason his company is succeeding.

When I got divorced I was 30, my only regret was not leaving sooner.

Icloud54 · 22/12/2020 20:18

You're not coming across as annoying at all.
I'm sure you will start noticing his abusive traits more and more now you've started this thread.

Also start sticking up for yourself more and showing him you have a backbone, call his bluff etc and see how far he goes.

Also you mentioned up thread he gave you the silent treatment for 2 weeks! That is 10000% text book abuse, it's a tactic used to control you not to argue or defend yourself in an argument in the future so you just go along and agree with him to avoid any more silent treatment.

grapewine · 22/12/2020 20:19

@iwantmyownicecreamvan

it was his agreed ‘treat’ for the struggles of COVID

I hope you got a treat too.

This. Also it's shitty of him to go against a deal you made about the placement of the tattoo because you're fighting. He's pushing you and showing that he'll do what he wants regardless.

I'm so angry for you that I keep posting.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 22/12/2020 20:22

I don’t know if I can stay in our house after a divorce? I can’t afford the mortgage and childcare alone.

The priority has to be a roof over your child's head. So either you stay in your current house with her father contributing substantially to the mortgage and paying maintenance, or possibly moving to somewhere smaller but with equivalent maintenance arrangements.

LannieDuck · 22/12/2020 20:23

I'm understanding he's self-employed? Then you're right that it might be a fight for maintenance if he decides not to play ball.

I don't know the situation with your entitlement to anything from his business if you divorce, but it would definitely be worth asking the question of a lawyer. Is there any way you can get copies of his business accounts? Are you a director / shareholder at all? (Even if only for tax purposes...?)

MaryLeeOnHigh · 22/12/2020 20:24

Before leaving he said I had to try and fix things because he doesn’t have the energy

I'd be tempted to say "You know what, neither do I. So off you fuck."

lilylongjohn · 22/12/2020 20:25

I'd be tempted to tell him that your company have a policy about visible tattoos so they won't be able to employ his services.

Vile man to do this because of an argument, it truly goes to show just how far he's prepared to go to piss you off.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 20:25

@frazzledasarock

Don’t give the current project to your husband’s company.

Find another one which is better.

Are you happy with this man?

Can you envision your life with him after you’ve retired, is this the man you want to wake up next to every single day and spend day in day out with? Would he take care of you if you were unwell and be loving and kind to you?

I married my DH this year. I realised during lockdown that he was my favourite person, being together shut up in a house with him was fun. Working together, going out together for (endless) walks, planning our future together.
He’s my biggest advocate, when I was feeling down he told me he’d support me to do whatever I need to do.

Your H doesn’t sound like he builds you up or has your back. He sounds like he enjoys taking you down a peg or two despite the fact you are the reason his company is succeeding.

When I got divorced I was 30, my only regret was not leaving sooner.

Would he take care of me?

I have to say I had a car accident in June which - at the time - left me pretty horrific looking but luckily everything shrunk back to pretty much its original place (I still have really bad back problems and I notice my nose still crunches when I put makeup on!).

He was fantastic.

Also, because if Covid he couldn’t come in. He was utterly distraught and a few of our friends came to sit with him outside over several periods because he wouldn’t leave the hospital (even though he could only sit on a plastic chair outside).

I was in resus for a while and he was freaked.

During the recovery he was great. He even got me a bell.

Just want to put this out there as it was a time when, despite lockdown difficulty, he literally dropped everything for me.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 22/12/2020 20:26

Also with regards money. You sound like an intelligent professional woman. Your job sounds like you have a lot of responsibility.

Realistically would you not be able to get a well paid position if you chose to look?

What’s holding you back? Apart from an unsupportive and abusive husband who leaves you to do all the parenting and household drudgery.
Would your family be willing to help with childcare if you if you lived nearer them, are their good jobs in your field available where they are?

NovemberR · 22/12/2020 20:27

@MaryLeeOnHigh

Before leaving he said I had to try and fix things because he doesn’t have the energy

I'd be tempted to say "You know what, neither do I. So off you fuck."

This!
Vintagevixen · 22/12/2020 20:28

@lilylongjohn

These days the cms will take it out of his wages at source so he might not have a choice in the matter
Unfortunately is he is self-employed through his own company. My ex is and is currently claiming he only earns £10 000 a year and hiding behind his limited company.

OP - your head is in a spin.

Try not to overthink right now. You need to investigate your options first. In the new year go and see a lawyer who can assess all your individual circumstances and advise you.You are married so in a stronger position than idiots like me who were only co-habiting! Your name is on this house - this is good.

usertemp1010 · 22/12/2020 20:28

@Decadentdolphin

On many threads on mumsnet opinions are divided but in this case every single poster is for once in agreement in saying that you are married to an abusive tosser. Open your eyes and take note. The whole of mumsnet are behind you and we will help you all the way.
I love this message and it's so true. So glad you asked for advice and realise it's your first time Smile You're not alone Smile
Whatsnewpussyhat · 22/12/2020 20:30

Does your wage get paid into your own account? Savings? You said he controls finances but to what extent?

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 20:32

@frazzledasarock

Also with regards money. You sound like an intelligent professional woman. Your job sounds like you have a lot of responsibility.

Realistically would you not be able to get a well paid position if you chose to look?

What’s holding you back? Apart from an unsupportive and abusive husband who leaves you to do all the parenting and household drudgery.
Would your family be willing to help with childcare if you if you lived nearer them, are their good jobs in your field available where they are?

This is interesting.

Yes, perhaps. I do feel I can do my job with my eyes closed. A step up is beyond due.

But with DD, I just want to conserve my energy. Ive passed up better job ops because of home commitments.

I’ve been thinking about going freelance where the money is better but I can’t do without security if single motherhood is on the cards.

OP posts: