Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

[TierTired87]

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

Calculating, controlling and manipulative people are also charming, complimentary and surround themselves with followers who fawn over them.
Abuse starts subtle. People don’t realise what’s happening. Family and friends slowly pushed away. Being financially naive or reliant on the abuser. Feeling like they do a lot for the victim and it’s always the victims fault in arguments. The victims are expect to show love, respect and gratitude, but the abuser only demonstrate these on a low level back. It’s a power game.

Things will get worse. Open your eyes. He isn’t going to change. He’s spent years grooming you. I’d have a bag packed with essentials and paperwork in. One day, when your eyes are wide open, you’ll use that bag.
I did and yes it was tough. Yes it was heartbreaking but I’m so glad my eyes were opened and I got out. My son was 4 at the time. I left on his 4th birthday. Heartbreaking. But now I’m happy. I’m in a happy relationship. My son is now 14.
Read everyone’s advice. We are all resolute as we can see the red flags. Maybe you’re too close to see them. Take a step back and look.

@AnnaMagnani

Do you love him?

Or does it turn out that you love a memory of him that you keep wishing he was like that he doesn't bother to do anymore except for brief flashes to keep you from packing your bags?

I do love him. Although I think lockdown has definitely had an impact.

When I was on ML (he’s always working at home) I was out and about. With being in together all day it has taken its toll.

He has an office. I tried to work in it with him but I couldn’t just because I need no distractions. So I take myself to dining area in living room. That’s another bone of contention - he gets annoyed I take over that room.

Which I get actually. But there isn’t another decent space I can work in and look after DD at same time.

Oh. I forgot a bit of the day out.

So, today he has a tattoo appointment in the morning. I was relieved so I could just get on with DD.

He had originally wanted it on his hand.

Whilst this can look nice - we aren’t rockstars. I’m not, but my parents are very conservative and we go to a lot of gatherings etc. I mentioned how hard it would be to cover up in certain situations. And although he works for himself now, you never know what’s around the corner.

Also, his tattoos seem to be of animal skulls etc.

We’d agreed it would go on his lower arm.

He came back with it smack bang on the back of his hand.

It’s a t-Rex skull and - although it does look nice - I know he did it on his hand to p*ss me off.

It was his agreed ‘treat’ for the struggles of COVID, but I’m annoyed he changed the placement because he was in a mood.

@nottomgates

Calculating, controlling and manipulative people are also charming, complimentary and surround themselves with followers who fawn over them. Abuse starts subtle. People don’t realise what’s happening. Family and friends slowly pushed away. Being financially naive or reliant on the abuser. Feeling like they do a lot for the victim and it’s always the victims fault in arguments. The victims are expect to show love, respect and gratitude, but the abuser only demonstrate these on a low level back. It’s a power game.

Things will get worse. Open your eyes. He isn’t going to change. He’s spent years grooming you. I’d have a bag packed with essentials and paperwork in. One day, when your eyes are wide open, you’ll use that bag.
I did and yes it was tough. Yes it was heartbreaking but I’m so glad my eyes were opened and I got out. My son was 4 at the time. I left on his 4th birthday. Heartbreaking. But now I’m happy. I’m in a happy relationship. My son is now 14.
Read everyone’s advice. We are all resolute as we can see the red flags. Maybe you’re too close to see them. Take a step back and look.

This is wonderful advice. I think I think about the present too much and not the future...

MTe just get divorced! Take his offer and run away!

No idea where MTe came from?!

The thought of divorce and breaking up is so horrible though. I’ve done all my growing into an adult with him. I honestly don’t know how I would start again. It’s totally unknown.
His response was that I didn’t have a backbone and how he guides me through life.

You were young when you two got together and he molded you into what he wanted. But now you ARE an adult - and a mother- who is standing up for herself. So he is doubling down to try to control you through isolation, insults, and mind games.
My suggestion: Get through Christmas as peacefully as possible but quietly collect documents you need - passports, band statements, etc. Then when Boxing Day is over, calmly restart the conversation and say "You know you told me I should fix the problem, but you didn't believe I could do it? Well, I decided the best fix is a divorce, so I have hired a solicitor. I suggest you do the same. "

Oh OP sounds like you've wasted too many years on this wanker already.
Imagine your DD telling you in 20 years time that her husband hid her keys and she is afraid to take them back. This is completely unacceptable (among all the other things you've mentioned)
Yes he had a crap childhood but staying with him you are creating another crap childhood for your own daughter. Think about it. You can't change him but you can change your and your dd's future. Make it better. Because it sounds like hell for you and it will be hell for your child as well.

@GeorgiaGirl52

The thought of divorce and breaking up is so horrible though. I’ve done all my growing into an adult with him. I honestly don’t know how I would start again. It’s totally unknown. His response was that I didn’t have a backbone and how he guides me through life.

You were young when you two got together and he molded you into what he wanted. But now you ARE an adult - and a mother- who is standing up for herself. So he is doubling down to try to control you through isolation, insults, and mind games.
My suggestion: Get through Christmas as peacefully as possible but quietly collect documents you need - passports, band statements, etc. Then when Boxing Day is over, calmly restart the conversation and say "You know you told me I should fix the problem, but you didn't believe I could do it? Well, I decided the best fix is a divorce, so I have hired a solicitor. I suggest you do the same. "

Would I have any claim over his business profits?

It’s doing well now. But it launched five years ago and left me as the sole breadwinner for two years. It was hard, and certainly wouldn’t exist without it.

I know that sounds sh*tty, but I think finances are a key concern.

Yes, get through christmas peacefully and then divorce.

He controls you so you are passive and dont rock the boat but he doesnt respect you for it does he? He definitely enjoys the mind games and the control. Time to play a different tactic and upset the balance a little. I agree with what everyone else says, get your ducks in a row. Get access to those finances and get copies. And get your passports, birth certs, bank details everything together and hide in a secret place or give them to someone to look after. And start to talk to family and friends. Do you have family close by?

Why is the thought of divorce so terrible?

Being allowed to live your life your way, no fear of someone locking you into your own home. I notice he’s left the house thinking you can’t leave as you have no keys.

Being in charge of your own money.

Not afraid to say or do something totally innocuous which will set the other adult in the household off on a never ending rant at you berating and needling then using your understandable reaction to berate you some more.

Making you beg to stay in a really horrible relationship where you are not given love, respect or any kind of equal companionship. He’s meant to be doing bath and bed and has waltzed out the house without a second thought for you or your children.

Why is being married to this really quite vile man the best thing you can think of for yourself?

You already do the majority (all) of the household and childcare. You have your own job.

What’s the point of him really, he just sounds like he makes life harder.

He controls you so you are passive and dont rock the boat but he doesnt respect you for it..... instead he just goads you for ‘not having a backbone’?
What a first class b......

Well saying you haven’t got a backbone shows how he views you doesn’t it?.

Bloody cheek of it when you supported him 🤦🏻‍♀️. He’s swinging his balls about because he thinks you’re about to give him a big contract isn’t he.

It's hard to see it when you're in it.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

He took you keys, wtaf. Call his bluff as I'd go mental if someone did that to me. Don't do the pick me dance

Absolutely this! Start emailing lawyers too for your own sake.

@frazzledasarock

Why is the thought of divorce so terrible?

Being allowed to live your life your way, no fear of someone locking you into your own home. I notice he’s left the house thinking you can’t leave as you have no keys.

Being in charge of your own money.

Not afraid to say or do something totally innocuous which will set the other adult in the household off on a never ending rant at you berating and needling then using your understandable reaction to berate you some more.

Making you beg to stay in a really horrible relationship where you are not given love, respect or any kind of equal companionship. He’s meant to be doing bath and bed and has waltzed out the house without a second thought for you or your children.

Why is being married to this really quite vile man the best thing you can think of for yourself?

You already do the majority (all) of the household and childcare. You have your own job.

What’s the point of him really, he just sounds like he makes life harder.

I don’t know if I can stay in our house after a divorce? I can’t afford the mortgage and childcare alone.

When we spoke earlier he said how sad it would be for the dogs before he mentioned DD.

Weird, as him and DD are insanely close. It may be because he knows how much I love the dogs but can’t look after them and a kid without him? Or maybe I’m reading too much into everything right now!

So, he has an office at home, you don’t, and you look after your young child and he is angry that you are taking over the dining room?That is the very definition of a double bind. You just can’t get anything right, and you deserve nothing. This is really horrible.
I know it will feel really scary, but please seek some support in real life. Could you tell your parents that there are problems? Do you have siblings?
I know this will seem impossible to you, but there will be people in your circle who see this treatment and dislike him for it. There will be people who only tolerate him because they love you and know that if they challenge him, he will ensure that they lose you.
You have taken the first step today. You have asked is this ok? And been loudly told no, it really isn’t.
I hope that you keep asking the question, he’s a knob, and you deserve better.

I really would speak to a divorce solicitor. Just so you get an idea of what kind of financial settlement you could get.
If he runs his own company you do run the risk of him hiding assets.

Would moving nearer to your own family post divorce be a realistic possibility for you?

Why do you think you couldn’t take care of both your child and your pet?

Also, post divorce, he will still have a financial responsibility for your child

@Fluffycloudland77

Well saying you haven’t got a backbone shows how he views you doesn’t it?.

Bloody cheek of it when you supported him 🤦🏻‍♀️. He’s swinging his balls about because he thinks you’re about to give him a big contract isn’t he.

I wouldn’t have expected him to swing his balls over it when I have a meeting booked with the CEO to persuade him bringing my husband onboard for a project isn’t a conflict of interest. And I’ve given him project over project over the years in various places, and had to argue for it every time. And only because he really is the best person I know for the job.

Yet he calls me “unsupportive” of him and his business.

(Context: I work in PR and he is a film producer. So I often need to work with his lot....)

All of what you write about him and how he treats you is text book abuse, have you ever thought about that before?

How do you imagine your future to look? Don't you want to get your DD away from him and this abusive relationship?

@Zebracat

Also, post divorce, he will still have a financial responsibility for your child

This often doesn’t work out though. His own father never paid a penny.

Seriously you should not be putting up with this shit. Tell him to leave he sounds like such a bully. Give him a shock and take control for once show him you won’t be controlled anymore. Ask help from friends and family to support you and help you stay strong

@Icloud54

All of what you write about him and how he treats you is text book abuse, have you ever thought about that before?

How do you imagine your future to look? Don't you want to get your DD away from him and this abusive relationship?

I often wonder whether it’s doomed to fail and maybe - as another post said - it would be better to rip of a bandaid now when I’m 33 rather than wait until I’m older.... But then I simply can’t image my life without him. It’s hard. I’m worrying now I’m coming across annoying. It’s all just a headf*ck.