Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

[TierTired87]

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

Tiertired87, with respect, a wonderful person doesn't gaslight his wife and the mother of his child (example: keys.)

I was young when I got together with my ex too - only 23 - which looking back seems so young now. I can't lie - separating and being on my own has been overwhelming at times. But here I am and I've done it.

Another factor - I didn't want my DD growing up thinking his behaviour was normal and then modelling it in her future relationships. I don't want any person treating her like he treated me.

"The thought of divorce and breaking up is so horrible though."

Worse than staying with a man who doesn't love you & treats you badly?

And of course the longer you stay the worse he'll treat you.

It sounds like controlling behaviour - starting arguments, then saying it's your fault. Taking your keys so you can't leave the house.

I would carefully look at your options, you don't need all the hassle he is giving you.

Best wishes

@TierTired87

We all see his controlling abuse.
Make plans and leave. He won’t change sad to say.

FFS, get a good solicitor and proceed with a divorce from the abusive, petty wanker. Your life will be so much happier without someone like that in it fulltime.

When he said it was all up to you to fix the relationship, did he have any coherent issues / complaints? Or was it all just a confusing mess of blame?

He's playing games with you

stop playing, don't even bother

why would you want to play this game, take care of yourself and your dc and leave him to play - just nod your head and agree then walk away

sort it out after xmas

If you not responding winds him up and he goads you then just look straight through him and say I'll think about it, I will sort it out later

"The thought of divorce and breaking up is so horrible though."

He KNOWS you think this OP.

This is his ace card.

He can play it when he likes to keep you in line.

You need to stop giving that power to him.

You need this to be a worthless threat and to see that divorce is actually a very good route out of this for you.

It's good you got your keys back but that's not normal behaviour and very strange and controlling. It doesn't sound a healthy relationship. It's hard to start again but how do you picture yourself in five/ten years time? People stay in unhealthy relationships because it is hard to split up especially if you're settled and have children.

he's having an affair and causing trouble as he needs to be able to escape on xmas day to meet up

I would put money on him disappearing on xmas day - sorry

cinema you say../ on his own?

He sounds controlling and mildly sadistic, and like he's enjoying taunting you with the prospect of splitting the family.

I have to say - you are probably going to have a way happier future if he follows through on his threats and leaves. Not that he will. The mind games are to get you to fall into line.

I see some people have suggested you call his bluff and arrange to see a solicitor. Only do that if you are prepared to follow it through! Do not start meeting him halfway with the mind games, it will make life very toxic at home, and it's your dd who will suffer. But do think about what kind of future and home you want for her.

From experience, exactly what @suggestionsplease1 has said. It takes a while to get there and suddenly you just realise that you can't do it anymore. It's so cruel on their part and much as I get on with xh now, I will never forgive him for being such a dick and drawing it out in such a horrible way when he could just have been straight with me about wanting out.

Actually, divorce turned out to be a decent option for me compared to going through that conversation every month or so while I had 2 tiny children. The divorce made it stop and was ironically easier to cope with.

I got my finances together, got a shit hot lawyer (and I suspect I'm somewhere near you so if you need a recommendation let me know)

He’s treating you like shit. Please open your eyes to how awful his behaviour is. If you’re able, id pack up a week’s worth of stuff and go sta6 with family. You’re allowed to travel to leave an abusive relationship, which this is. You could be with someone so much nicer. Just because your previous relationship was worse does not make this a good relationship. Please read what people are writing.

@TierTired87, you said:
The problem is that I do actually really love him, so it’s hard. But I’m recognising lots of things mentioned on this thread

Having read all your comments on this thread, I don't believe you do love him. I think you're afraid of him and I think he's worn down your self-esteem. You are feeling that if you divorce, you won't be able to cope. Well, let me tell you, you will cope and your life will improve beyond recognition.

I divorced my ex and I never looked back. Yes it was difficult, I had three children, but when I think about it now it was the very best thing I did. My ex was like your DH and I deserved better AND SO DO YOU.

He is trying to scare you into never disagreeing with him again ...the more you try to make things right with him the more he thinks he has you running scared .
You could play games here, because he has no intention of actually divorcing you OR you could actually see this as getting the ball rolling.
Oh and he also knows you'll do anything to shield your daughter from all this. Hes dispicable

OP would you want your DD to be in a relationship like this?

I don’t think you actually know what love is if you think this is an acceptable relationship where you get locked in a house and dare not say anything in case it rocks the boat.

Who made him lord and master of you and he tells you that you have to fix everything?
So he is totally innocent?
He sounds like a complete arsehole who always has to have the upper hand. The fact you didn't take your own keys out of his pocket says so much about the balance of dynamics and it sounds very wrong.
I dont think you realise that he is abusive and maybe you are conditioned to this way now but there is an escape. Start with talking to people about his behaviour, one friend at a time.

What is the pattern here?

Is life generally good but there are occasional rows which follow this toxic dynamic of him trying to 'win' and make you suffer?
Does he then get over it? And continue back to being a normal/decent kind of person?

If it's this pattern, will he reflect and discuss his behaviour and the dynamic which occured, and the toxic pattern which reoccurs?

Or is the pattern in between these toxic rows he is still seeking to control and manipulate you in subtle ways? Are you always trying to 'not provoke him' even when things are 'normal' are you still worried that you could do something that will start his nasty behaviour?

Both these patterns are unacceptable ways to live, and need addressing but you might think about or approach them diffrently.

If he is genuinely mostly decent and a good husband, but there is a toxic pattern to rows which he triggers, then this might be possible to address IF he was open to seeing there is a toxic pattern, the role he plays in this, and if he wants to address this to prevent the marrage ending.
You could then work together on that.
But even then you'd need to be clear: either we address this or I'm leaving, I will not be in marriage with this toxic pattern, even if it is great 80% of the time.
He has to know you will not live like this and either he addresses it with outside support or it's over.
So throw his 'divorce' threat back at him: 'yes unless we address this toxic dynamic we keep repeating, we will be getting a divorce. I agree, let's get through Christmas and reassess whether that is possible in January.'

But if it's scenario 2, and he is constanly controlling you in subtle ways then do not work with him, do not discuss it any further, just go quiet and start making your plans to leave.

You need to really think honestly about what your marriage is like beyond this one nasty row. Sometimes it's hard to be that honest with ourselves as hard decions then have to be made.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@TierTired87

Would you be ok listing some of his wonderful qualities? (I genuinely mean that in a helpful not a snarky way).

I thought my exH was lovely in some ways e.g he would take great delight in buying me little surprise presents, which I loved. It was only after stepping away that I realised wtaf, he was actually buying me presents with my own money because I was not allowed access to our joint account even though I paid 100% of my full time wages into it. He brainwashed me into thinking that was ok because he wanted to control the finances as he was better at it than me (newsflash - he actually wasn't). So whilst I was within that situation I saw it as "he's doing a nice thing for me with the family money" completely failing to grasp that he was being financially abusive in the first place.

Not saying your H does the same thing but just giving you an example or how your perspective can be skewed.

As an aside, there are certain behaviours that are NEVER acceptable in a relationship regardless of any other factors - the keys thing is one clear example.[/quote]
You know what?

I started listing the things he does which are good....

I then realised lots of them are from YEARS ago.

Whilst I can still list a lot of good stuff, that little exercise has really made me think.

@BabyItsAWildWorld

What is the pattern here?

Is life generally good but there are occasional rows which follow this toxic dynamic of him trying to 'win' and make you suffer?
Does he then get over it? And continue back to being a normal/decent kind of person?

If it's this pattern, will he reflect and discuss his behaviour and the dynamic which occured, and the toxic pattern which reoccurs?

Or is the pattern in between these toxic rows he is still seeking to control and manipulate you in subtle ways? Are you always trying to 'not provoke him' even when things are 'normal' are you still worried that you could do something that will start his nasty behaviour?

Both these patterns are unacceptable ways to live, and need addressing but you might think about or approach them diffrently.

If he is genuinely mostly decent and a good husband, but there is a toxic pattern to rows which he triggers, then this might be possible to address IF he was open to seeing there is a toxic pattern, the role he plays in this, and if he wants to address this to prevent the marrage ending.
You could then work together on that.
But even then you'd need to be clear: either we address this or I'm leaving, I will not be in marriage with this toxic pattern, even if it is great 80% of the time.
He has to know you will not live like this and either he addresses it with outside support or it's over.
So throw his 'divorce' threat back at him: 'yes unless we address this toxic dynamic we keep repeating, we will be getting a divorce. I agree, let's get through Christmas and reassess whether that is possible in January.'

But if it's scenario 2, and he is constanly controlling you in subtle ways then do not work with him, do not discuss it any further, just go quiet and start making your plans to leave.

You need to really think honestly about what your marriage is like beyond this one nasty row. Sometimes it's hard to be that honest with ourselves as hard decions then have to be made.

The pattern after an argument is invariably the silent treatment for a few days. Once it went two weeks. I should stress this isn’t often. He had a really difficult upbringing with the messiest of divorces I have ever heard of. And there is always a ‘winner and loser’/‘goody and baddy’ mentality to his way or arguing, which I wonder whether it’s a result of.

Do you love him?

Or does it turn out that you love a memory of him that you keep wishing he was like that he doesn't bother to do anymore except for brief flashes to keep you from packing your bags?

I've not RTFT yet but there's a recent thread somewhere in MN about the worst Christmas' you've had. Lots of awful stories about toxic relationships and how the partner stayed because they didn't want to ruin Christmas. But it was never a joyous affair. Don't let this one be one of your
worst Christmases, OP. Treat yourself to an early present and get rid of the poisonous fucker

@BabyItsAWildWorld

What is the pattern here?

Is life generally good but there are occasional rows which follow this toxic dynamic of him trying to 'win' and make you suffer?
Does he then get over it? And continue back to being a normal/decent kind of person?

If it's this pattern, will he reflect and discuss his behaviour and the dynamic which occured, and the toxic pattern which reoccurs?

Or is the pattern in between these toxic rows he is still seeking to control and manipulate you in subtle ways? Are you always trying to 'not provoke him' even when things are 'normal' are you still worried that you could do something that will start his nasty behaviour?

Both these patterns are unacceptable ways to live, and need addressing but you might think about or approach them diffrently.

If he is genuinely mostly decent and a good husband, but there is a toxic pattern to rows which he triggers, then this might be possible to address IF he was open to seeing there is a toxic pattern, the role he plays in this, and if he wants to address this to prevent the marrage ending.
You could then work together on that.
But even then you'd need to be clear: either we address this or I'm leaving, I will not be in marriage with this toxic pattern, even if it is great 80% of the time.
He has to know you will not live like this and either he addresses it with outside support or it's over.
So throw his 'divorce' threat back at him: 'yes unless we address this toxic dynamic we keep repeating, we will be getting a divorce. I agree, let's get through Christmas and reassess whether that is possible in January.'

But if it's scenario 2, and he is constanly controlling you in subtle ways then do not work with him, do not discuss it any further, just go quiet and start making your plans to leave.

You need to really think honestly about what your marriage is like beyond this one nasty row. Sometimes it's hard to be that honest with ourselves as hard decions then have to be made.

If I’m honest, I’m very passive in the relationship.

I mentioned this in our chat earlier - how I generally just do things his way/what he wants.

His response was that I didn’t have a backbone and how he guides me through life.

I will never understand women who stay in relationships where it’s all games or walking on egg shells over being single.
Yes every relationship has its ups and downs but it shouldn’t be carried on.

He is telling you that after Xmas you’ll be getting a divorce that’s massive! - why are you just accepting that?
Either it’s because you do want a divorce or you’re worried about rocking the boat. Either one is not good.

I would start thinking about which one of you is going to move out.