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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants a ‘divorce’ after argument

503 replies

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 14:00

New to Mumsnet. But feeling pretty isolated at the moment.

My husband and I had an argument on Sunday. We don’t argue often, but he tends to start them when they do. He’ll then go on and on and on until I retaliate and say something I regret. At which point I’m the b**ch and I get it in the neck for a few days afterwards for being ‘mean’.

Stupidly, I did a throwaway comment after being gone at for a good hour: “If you think that, why not just get divorced?”. SILLY, I know. But you know when you’re just pushed and pushed and you sometimes say something you don’t mean?

Anyway. Monday morning I apologised. I’ve had since “well, we’re getting divorced” and “let’s get Christmas out of the way and then we’ll separate”. When I explained I didn’t mean it he’s all “Well, maybe I do. It’s what you want.” - despite lots of apologies from me. He’s even gone so far as to start emailing lawyers.

If I bring it up, he says “you said it - so you want it.” type thing.

It almost feels like he’s enjoying it.

He also won’t sleep in the same room, which has led to DD asking questions.

During the argument he spoke to me like I was sh*t, and since he has done too. Although if I mention anything he has said, he says I am ‘twisting words’. I am not.

I don’t know if he’s just playing a massive game. Which I don’t think is fair over Christmas....or if he means it.

He won’t help with any Christmas prep.

He’s also taken my house keys so I can’t leave the house without him. He says he hasn’t, but I found them in his dog walking coat - I’ve left them though.

Feel so lost and confused. and silly for making the stupid throwaway comment in the first place.

OP posts:
TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:16

Actually, the previous person was also a friend of his and even 11 years later it gets brought up.

OP posts:
ButwhereisMYcoffee · 22/12/2020 18:17

@iwantmyownicecreamvan

Take your keys and don't say anything. If he comments or questions you then say you found them somewhere else - if he says you're lying, well how does he know - did he know where they were all along?
THIS. But just in this one off situations, to send a message saying ‘I have your number, asshole’.

THEN divorce him.

Oreservoir · 22/12/2020 18:18

Don't give him the satisfaction of trying to fix things.
If necessary tell him you don't have anything to fix because you're not the one behaving like a child. You've apologised once he can take it or leave it.

Allergictoironing · 22/12/2020 18:19

we’ve been together 11 years and all our friends are ‘combined’ friends.

So you have no person left in your life who would be loyal to you over him? I'm afraid that's another one out of "the book", slowly destroy any support network you have, to make you more dependent on them.

I second that comment about not using his company, partly because that would open you up to accusations of nepotism and potentially lead to you being accused of corruption by your employer.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:19

@Whataliberty

Please don't put up with this awful shit. It sounds like he was definitely picking for an argument to push you. I have been there. I suspect another woman is involved. But either way you don't deserve to be treated like this, don't put up with it. Take back control of your life and divorce the b@*@s!*@
I honestly don’t think another woman is involved.
OP posts:
Vintagevixen · 22/12/2020 18:20

OP I really feel for you. It's so difficult when you first realise what you have let them do to you...I spent a lot of time welling up too!

The feelings of shame are awful and unwarranted.

Then throw kids into the mix - I still have massive feelings of guilt about DD. Even now we are free and I am financially independent those feelings remain.

Interestingly my ex also worked in production/TV...

NettleTea · 22/12/2020 18:23

what do you mean your previous boyfriend 'gets brought up'
Punishing you for having had a history before him, or belittling you because of something in the relationship?
he sounds nasty
contriving arguments so that he can flounce and try to scare you back into submission.
Its a popular tactic.

Littleyell · 22/12/2020 18:23

@Pleaseaddcaffine

He took you keys, wtaf. Call his bluff as I'd go mental if someone did that to me. Don't do the pick me dance
This
MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/12/2020 18:24

@TierTired87 I thought so, I find it's nearly always the case for the relationship dynamics you describe. I went through similar with my exH.

I imagine you'll be having a hard time accepting just how abusive this man is because he's not doing traditional deal breakers like cheating (that you know of) or physical violence etc. I imagine you might also be thinking you've been unfair to him on here because you've only listed his bad points and not the many good ones you also think he has. But I would be my bottom dollar that his "good" qualities aren't actually good as such, they're just over amplified as being nice because they're little snippets of normal/healthy amongst a sea of abusive behaviour.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:26

@Allergictoironing

we’ve been together 11 years and all our friends are ‘combined’ friends.

So you have no person left in your life who would be loyal to you over him? I'm afraid that's another one out of "the book", slowly destroy any support network you have, to make you more dependent on them.

I second that comment about not using his company, partly because that would open you up to accusations of nepotism and potentially lead to you being accused of corruption by your employer.

Yes, a few. But the ones about still love him.

I was very good old friends with a guy who was always my go-to and they didn’t get on. Eventually a couple of years ago I stopped seeing him. Then in Feb this year we moved to a different town. So that went (not sure why DH didn’t get on with him. He’s gay. We went out as teenagers for a year and I don’t think he liked that. But weird as an adult to take issue with it).

This is another thing. In Feb we moved to a new town. Friends more loyal to him live here. Although I consider them my friends too - it would always be him.

I luckily have one girl I met back in London years ago who also moved down here about the same time, so we’ve resparked that and become good friends. I have text her but she has sadly gone away for Christmas.

My boss at work is also fab. She sent me a message earlier to ask if I was OK because I seemed down. She said we should go for a walk tomorrow.

But nobody nearby who is an old friend and knows me very well and just ‘mine’.

I think if I ever were to get into any new relationship, I’d keep certain friends separate from The ‘central group’.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/12/2020 18:27

Also the longer you're stuck in a situation such as you describe, the more skewed your benchmark/perspective becomes as to how you view your relationship, but the normalisation of abusive behaviour can creep up on you so gradually that you don't realise it's happening - you end up bending your own perceptions to fit theirs in order to keep the peace. The keys thing is a prime example.

Vintagevixen · 22/12/2020 18:29

Again very typical to the script I'm afraid - your very good male friend probably saw right through him, your DH realised that and manipulated you to end the friendship.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:29

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@TierTired87 I thought so, I find it's nearly always the case for the relationship dynamics you describe. I went through similar with my exH.

I imagine you'll be having a hard time accepting just how abusive this man is because he's not doing traditional deal breakers like cheating (that you know of) or physical violence etc. I imagine you might also be thinking you've been unfair to him on here because you've only listed his bad points and not the many good ones you also think he has. But I would be my bottom dollar that his "good" qualities aren't actually good as such, they're just over amplified as being nice because they're little snippets of normal/healthy amongst a sea of abusive behaviour.[/quote]
You are so right!
I feel like a b*tch!!! But it’s so good to vent.
But he does have wonderful qualities. I’m not weak enough to stay with an absolute ogre.
He’s absolutely amazing in lots of ways. I don’t want to paint him as some Disney villain.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/12/2020 18:30

Great advice OP.

You are young still but you are in a highly abusive relationship.

He sounds like a very nasty man who doesn't like you, and certainly doesn't love you.

Please contact Women's Aid and talk to them about your relationship.
See what they say to you.

Those keys were deliberately hidden.

You need to open a bank account and get information of your financials.

This is a relationship that is only going to get worse.

Please reach out to family and any friend for support.

How many children have you?

madcatladyforever · 22/12/2020 18:31

he sounds like a generally controlling piece of shit. I'd definitely divorce him.

Oreservoir · 22/12/2020 18:31

You love the man you thought he was and sometimes is. But that man only exists when you behave. You stood up for yourself today so your dh left the house.

Ask yourself, if you were upset with your partner could you sit through and enjoy a film. I couldn't.

He's so convinced you'll toe the line he's not even bothered.

TierTired87 · 22/12/2020 18:33

@Oreservoir

You love the man you thought he was and sometimes is. But that man only exists when you behave. You stood up for yourself today so your dh left the house.

Ask yourself, if you were upset with your partner could you sit through and enjoy a film. I couldn't.

He's so convinced you'll toe the line he's not even bothered.

The thought of divorce and breaking up is so horrible though. I’ve done all my growing into an adult with him. I honestly don’t know how I would start again. It’s totally unknown.
OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 22/12/2020 18:34

Somebody would only treat me like that once, the next day they would be out the door.

Hailtomyteeth · 22/12/2020 18:34

You are being abused. Stay quiet and review. When you are ready, plan your escape. People have told you how. Put your own needs, including your safety, first.

ladymuck111 · 22/12/2020 18:34

You are getting some great advice here.
I didn't feel like I could talk to any of my friends about it and when it came to us splitting some of my friends were already aware of what he was like without me saying anything. I wish I had reached out to them at the time.

I was massively gaslighted, always in the wrong, always to blame for everything he did, his actions were my fault I pushed him to behave/react in the way he did. He never took responsibility for anything.

If you want to talk you can always PM me.

diddl · 22/12/2020 18:36

@TierTired87

OK. Update.

We had a talk.

All issues fall on me.

He’s gone to the cinema (I didn’t even know they were open?!). Before leaving he said I had to try and fix things because he doesn’t have the energy - ending with the snide comment “but I doubt you can, really” before storming out.

It’s his day for bath and bedtime today. But guess that’ll be me.

So, basically....am I being told to fix it, but with the provision that anything I do won’t be enough? I’m confused.

Is he actually serious? Or is this a tactic to just make sure I treat him like some deity and go ‘above and beyond’?

Just read this again, Op.

It's all your fault-according to him.

He's fucked you up so much that you are trying to untangle everything & make sure that you do the right thing.

Well of course the right thing is whatever he decides.

You should be thinking-what an arsehole, I'm worth more, I'm off.

He's not worth the headspace.

And he's also a shit father as he's so determined to piss you about that that trumps all else for him.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/12/2020 18:37

You’re worth more than this piece of shit OP! He’s abusive! My ex was like this!

SwanShaped · 22/12/2020 18:38

I agree, he’s controlling and manipulative. I’m sure there are some nice moments. But that’s why you don’t leave. Keeps you guessing and wondering what you’ve done to make his mood either ‘ok’ or ‘bad’. Keep you walking on eggshells.

feistymumma · 22/12/2020 18:38

He is honestly an abusive twat and I would have the lawyers on speed dial to divorce his ass

MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/12/2020 18:39

@TierTired87

Would you be ok listing some of his wonderful qualities? (I genuinely mean that in a helpful not a snarky way).

I thought my exH was lovely in some ways e.g he would take great delight in buying me little surprise presents, which I loved. It was only after stepping away that I realised wtaf, he was actually buying me presents with my own money because I was not allowed access to our joint account even though I paid 100% of my full time wages into it. He brainwashed me into thinking that was ok because he wanted to control the finances as he was better at it than me (newsflash - he actually wasn't). So whilst I was within that situation I saw it as "he's doing a nice thing for me with the family money" completely failing to grasp that he was being financially abusive in the first place.

Not saying your H does the same thing but just giving you an example or how your perspective can be skewed.

As an aside, there are certain behaviours that are NEVER acceptable in a relationship regardless of any other factors - the keys thing is one clear example.

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