Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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@AspergersWife I feel for you. I could have written some of your post. My DH struggles with maintaining any kind of normal friendship or relationship. However every so often he will find someone who he somehow clings onto and the friendship goes beyond what I would consider normal boundaries and becomes intense in terms of what they share. I’ve noticed that in these cases the other person shares lots of intimate details about their life and my DH seems to take on the role of champion listener, counsellor and helper. This is the same DH who asks me how my day was but if I say anything more than ‘Fine’ tells me that he ‘doesn’t want any detail, one word is sufficient’.

Like you I find the whole thing very hurtful. He really cares what other people think of him but doesn’t seem to give a stuff what I think.

Fact is, he can be who he wants to be in these friendships. They don’t know him. He can be charming, lovely, caring and will get positive feedback from it which boosts his self-esteem. That’s not the person they can sustain 24/7 though. Generally these friendships burn themselves out because he can’t sustain it. It expects too much from him and while he likes the ego boost he can’t sustain the input required.

This has caused no end of challenges in our relationship. I really feel for you.

Thanks @RainyMayDay it's nice to hear from someone who's been in the situation. Not many people IRL I discuss H with really understand that. To them autistic = antisocial/no friends. But how you described it is exactly how I'd describe H's friendships too. They're intense and I'd say a bit odd. Eg one of the blokes he used to game with caught covid and was struggling to recover. H spent a huge amount of money having him a luxury food box delivered. I mean hundreds of pounds, not just £50 or so. Bizarre. He'd known the bloke a few weeks, so to me it was an inappropriate gesture. He's deeply anti social, yet likes to be seen as the good guy. He liked the attention the group gave him he got from the gesture. 'Wow such a nice bloke' etc etc. Since then he doesn't actually talk to that bloke anymore, but when one of the other lads felt 'down' at work, H had him and his wife a pile of desserts delivered. To me, weird. Now I don't know much about the new woman, but if he starts taking too much of an interest in her if she gets down/upset about anything and sends her desserts etc as well, that would be crossing a line for me. I don't want to say anything like that to him as I think he'll just stop talking about her to me and clam up. At the moment he has no filter so I'm watching and waiting and monitoring the situation.

Once these friendships burn out it's like the person never existed. His gaming used to be phases too. Like x weeks on one game, then x on another. However with lockdown it's the only thing to do, so it's been a long one on this particular game. I hope that this current group of friends including the new woman, will probably be a phase too. Unfortunately for me it's just likely to be a very, very long ongoing phase now he's found his perfect world and comfort zone. The game is obviously much easier for him than our real life. I can hear him laughing, chatting bantering the whole time he's playing. With me if he ever deigns to do anything, he's mostly silent. So he's obviously very relaxed with these people and not with me.

He went on antidepressants in the summer due to his severe anxiety about covid, and since then he's had no interest at all in sex. I used to at least get some affection from him that way, but now it's nothing - another effort he has to put in, if I ever make the move. Most of the time I don't want to anyway, as who could find a moody teenage boy-esque bloke sexually attractive? But occasionally after he's been trying to make an effort in our everyday life I feel closer to him and we might dtd. He always, always pulls away (emotionally) after. He'll be distant right when I'm feeling closer than ever. It's just such an awful dynamic and I really have no clue a) how to fix it and b) if it's even worth fixing. He genuinely seems 100% unaware that there are any issues between us.

@AspergersWife You are describing my DH’s friendships exactly. I think when he feels someone likes him he doesn’t know how to deal with it and goes OTT. There starts the intense communication and desire to do something totally out of step with the type of relationship it is. Similar to your situation my DH had a friend for a year who chose to give up their job to become a student again. My DH became very worried about them and talked about transferring money to their bank account every month to ‘help them out’. They didn’t need the money and it was their choice to give up their job and start a full time degree! I had to explain this and basically say that giving a friend money like this was totally inappropriate. They weren’t even a particularly close friend or a lifelong friend! DH seemed to be trying to do something which would make him seem like a good person / generous person and I think wanted to feel superior, like a benefactor.

There’s no point him doing any of this with me because I know him. However with a new friend or colleague he wants to impress and instead of just being normal goes completely overboard.

Yes I agree his friendships can go from all to nothing. He has literally stopped contact with people overnight. No good reason behind it except that maybe he’s not getting the feedback he wants.

I think the nature of gaming and the anonymity makes it easy for them to not be themselves. They can reinvent themselves and be the life and soul of the party they aren’t in real life. People like them but don’t know them.

The boundaries are skewed. Very skewed.

I agree @RainyMayDay the boundaries are definitely skewed, very different to any other relationship I've known. I've talked with H earlier in the week about 'finding a balance' so he's taken that to mean 1 night with me, the next on the game. I actually meant like maybe have a chat with me over tea, maybe watch some telly, then an hour or so gaming instead of 6 hours + every single night. He's so all or nothing he really can't see that is an option. That's so far lasted 4 nights so I'm seeing how long he can sustain it.

Part of the problem is he'll genuinely try to make a change, but then won't be able to keep it up. It's just a band aid anyway I feel, if he actually wanted to spend time with his family he wouldn't need a strict schedule. It's like he's forcing himself to do it, so then I feel what's the point of asking him to spend time with me if he's miserable doing it? Everything feels very hopeless when I think about the realities. If I just plod on day to day I'm mostly ok, but reading it back in black and white it's so stark and such a crappy existence.

@AspergersWife Isn’t that so typical though...that total absorption in one thing, all energy being channelled into the latest interest or friend to the exclusion of everything else. My DH used to think that he could do that and I would just sit back and be an observer. If I attempted to voice my needs then I was accused of being controlling and abusive because I was trying to interfere in his life.

The best advice I have received is to create my own life that doesn’t depend on him. Form friendships, join groups, make your own arrangements and pursue your own interests. If he wants to spend his time gaming then you can spend your time doing what you want to do and meeting your own needs.

Having any expectation of them is futile.

Since I have started doing my own thing the dynamic has definitely changed as he has realised that he is spending long periods of time on his own and I’m not sat waiting for him to finish his game or chat with his latest friend.

Make your own plans. Without him. Don’t waste your life while he wastes his.

Can I join? I did post a little on previous threads, and then it all got a bit heated so I ran away!

I’m in a really tricky situation and have been for a few years. Not married. DP and I have one child, autistic. It’s been hell really and I’m not sure I’ll ever quite recover emotionally. I have some resilience but it’s been a complete rollercoaster. I need counselling! Can’t afford it.

DP has many, many autistic traits but doesn’t see himself as autistic. I don’t want to ‘diagnose’ it’s not my place. DS being autistic made me realise so much about DP. I probably have some autistic traits too, but socially am pretty grounded.

Because I can be brutally honest here in this forum, I feel like I’ve been emotionally abused for years. DP started to freak out into our relationship, did not like not to be in control and hated any form of compromise. It was his way or nothing. If he wanted to play computer games until 3am and get up at 2pm, then that’s what he did. If he wanted not to have furniture in the main room, then that’s what he did. If he felt that our baby wasnt’ autistic, then he wasn’t and I was making it all up. Everything had to be done a certain way, his way.

He never goes on holidays. Hates going out with me. If we visited my family he’d bring out a crossword and ignore them. Yet gets highly motivate to talk to people about his interests, and likes to be seen out, but usually without me as he cant’ seem to cope with being a couple and being part of a group of people - it’s like he compartmentalises to the extreme.

And yet he was also incredibly caring to me at first. He is tidy, organised, highly intelligent, good wage, does the housework, on the surface very easy going, fairly shy but liked a lot of similar things to me like similar music. His thinking is often original and free of bias, he is stable. I was head over heels in love with him, and still am if I’m honest.

@Blossominspring2021 💐 It’s really hard isn’t it? Are you in England because if so the NHS generally has talking therapies services you can access for free. Counselling really helped me especially as the counsellor had experience of a family member with autism. Being able to use her as a sounding board was priceless. I totally get why you may feel you have been subjected to emotional abuse. I’m sure others on this site feel the same.

Thanks @RainyMayDay I know I am in no way saying that everyone with autism is an emotional abuser. However I do feel autism in my case if relevant to the dynamics of my relationship with DP.

He is quite intolerant of any of my traits that could be labelled autistic ‘like’ for want of a better word. I have anxiety and my senses seem much more vivid than other people’s. So him playing computer games loudly until 3am means I can’t sleep. He doesn’t like earphones and so doesn’t see why he should and thinks I’m unreasonable and over sensitive. As he is under sensitive, oblivious to most of the world.

I think people bore him easily. He used to have a string of month long relationships before me. Loads and loads of them. He was very good at attracting women. But says he just got bored. He hates small talk, loathes it. I think he is quite happy with himself as he is. So why change? He is aware he isn’t a good husband, but says he would be if he found the right person!

Apologies though I seem to have ranted a bit about myself solely - I will read more of your stories today and give a bit back hopefully later rather than just ‘me’!

I do empathise @Blossominspring2021 My DH focuses on what he needs and wants to do. He has little empathy for other people’s needs, least of all mine. And yes, like you, the fact he isn’t a good husband is my fault. Not a lot you can say to that is there?

You haven’t ranted. This is a safe space to share. 💐

Fact is, he can be who he wants to be in these friendships. They don’t know him. He can be charming, lovely, caring and will get positive feedback from it which boosts his self-esteem. That’s not the person they can sustain 24/7 though. Generally these friendships burn themselves out because he can’t sustain it. It expects too much from him and while he likes the ego boost he can’t sustain the input required.

This 110% No-one else saw the person that I saw. A couple of friends are starting to get it now. I was made to feel unreasinable and unstable by him, his friends and family. It's a really toxic situation. Gaslighting of a sort.

@RainyMayDay thank you it does mean a lot just to be able to feel like myself a bit and share in a safe space. I see that many of us are caring for autistic children which requires a lot of parenting, and so less energy to take care of ourselves let alone navigate our difficult marriages! It’s a lot.

Catmaiden very best of luck and delighted to hear about SHS 💪💪💪

@colouringindoors gosh that post ‘they don’t know him... burn themselves out because he can’t sustain it... it expects too much from him... ‘ that is exactly, exactly DP too. Spookily so. Unfortunately he has been telling many ‘friends’ that I am too controlling so he has to ditch them as he has run out of excuses. I know they just started to expect something back so he felt cornered and didn’t like it.

Oh and yes to the being made to feel my perfectly normal and healthy emotional reactions to anything were unhealthy, overeacting and neurotic. It's taken me years to learn that my reactions are ok.

YY to all this. In fact H'a autistic counsellor has told him I'm controlling because I want him to spend time with the family instead of doing what he wants.

Of course it wasn't like this before marriage and kids, so I really feel the gas lighting thing too. In America there seems to be more studies into this. I found a link a while ago that really resonated, I'll see if I can post it here in case it helps anyone.

@RainyMayDay I'd love to make my own life and find my own interests, but with lockdown my life has been revolving around homeschooling and the house. It's def contributed to how unfulfilled I've felt. I have no interest in online gaming and can't go out of an evening as H is completely useless with the kids. I can't trust him with them. Until they're a bit older they'll need me around.

yeah that's a good article, I've come across that before.

In fact H'a autistic counsellor has told him I'm controlling because I want him to spend time with the family instead of doing what he wants ffs

@AspergersWife Lockdown has been dreadful in stopping anyone from getting the physical and mental space they need. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for people who have children as well, especially children who have additional needs. I’m sorry it is so difficult for so many of us.

@Blossominspring2021 @colouringindoors I’m controlling too apparently. How odd that all our DHs have partners who are controlling? I remember speaking to a counsellor about some of my responses to things and she reassured me that I was actually very normal (in fact hugely tolerant and understanding). I have to keep in mind that DH’s view of the world and his view of me is only his view, not reality.

@AspergersWife I have mostly stopped asking my DH to join me in doing anything. I make plans that don’t include him now. I tell him about it after I have made the plan (but don’t at any point suggest he participates). He will sometimes then say ‘Can I join you?’

If he felt I had made a plan which required his involvement to happen, it was too much for him and he would kick against it. If there is absolutely no pressure at all from me then he often wants to do it.

Some kind of demand avoidance I guess. If there’s a demand placed on him he responds negatively. If it is his choice then fine.

He can’t cope with demands at all which is why I think friendships are so difficult for him. When he is expected to reciprocate he can’t do it naturally comes to an end. Perhaps that’s why gaming with others is easier...it’s all at a distance isn’t it?

@colouringindoors

Oh and yes to the being made to feel my perfectly normal and healthy emotional reactions to anything were unhealthy, overeacting and neurotic. It's taken me years to learn that my reactions are ok.

Yes to this. DP convinced everyone the problem was me and my sadness, upset or fed up on my part was neurosis.

I can’t tell you what a huge relief it is to see others with similar experiences. It is really like staring in a mirror, but also great because no matter how strong I think I am, being told that I am controlling, difficult is quite hard to ignore from the person that you loved/love.

I think that is the worse thing for me. For a few years I was horrified that DP saw me in such a negative way, or just didn’t see me. I’ve felt like a dowdy, inadequate, unworthy ghost and when I open my mouth to express opinions, ask to do something together, I am seen as either a nuisance or a terrible person who does DP harm. I’ve found myself saying to DP ‘the person you think that you see is not me at all’.

DP is demand avoidance I think. DS is extremely demand avoidant. A couple of the worst arguments were when I asked DP if he wanted to go out to a lovely evening out together in an activity that I know we both love. For him it was an assault and a presumption, he reacted that strongly to it. When eventually after a couple of years of rejection I pushed him to at least do some things with me as a couple, he told me that was it and he wanted a divorce. But didn’t go through with it.

Of course I now never ask him to do anything. Ever. I arrange holidays just me and DS. See my family on my own. Arrange my own birthdays. Do all activities with DS. He often criticises ‘my need’ for these things and is quite resentful that I go on holidays for example with DS. I used to help with socialising with his family too but he’s convinced them I’m controlling and so they avoid me like I’ve got the plague. Things like going away with the kids without him are cited as examples of me being controlling. But I desperately want to feel like a family and not have to do everything on my own. It’s pretty lonely.

Some phrases of your posts really resonate with me:
gaming with others is easier...it’s all at a distance isn’t it
DH’s view of the world and his view of me is only his view, not reality. yes but it’s hard when they are so much part of our lives to hold our own
can't go out of an evening as H is completely useless with the kids. I can't trust him with them unfortunately I know too well DP is outwardly so fantastic, responsible, ideal father, but that goes out of the window if he wants to do something at the time. He’s unfortunately left DS (who is severe in his needs) with family members who have no clue, and worrying incidents have happened, whenever I’ve gone out on my own. He’s reacted very badly if I’ve tried to discuss this reasonably, and has lied and covered up things. It makes me feel a bit sick if I’m honest about leaving in the future and him having care on his own.

Blossom 💐💐💐 you may find that he's not keen to have the kids on his own a lot. But I totally understand where you're coming from. Mine are 13 and 16 now and more able to look after themselves.

Thanks @colouringindoors he is indeed not keen to have the kids on his own, but has family members only too willing to do it for him which is also the problem! It’s autistic DS aged 7 who I worry about, and he’s hugely vulnerable, lots of safety issues. However I have a long term plan where I move back to my own city, which DP says is OK with him. I’m glad that yours are now 13 and 16 and you are able to not worry as much about that side of things. It’s really difficult saying that you don’t trust the other parent - it’s quite a thing to feel - I question whether I am right - but a few incidents with DS made me realise it doesn’t matter if I’m vilified or hated - DS comes first.