Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

New thread

That idiot of an ex has intensely rigid ideas of how things have to be and he won't let autistic older son follow his food preferences. He serves up, they have to eat it. Older son has sensory issues with food and he ends up either eating nothing at all or upchucking.

He deigns to give me parenting advice when he has 0 idea and when he breaks his own damn advice not even 8 hours later and I end up fielding a terribly upset Older Cub becuase his dad's been repressive and has to have everything his own way.

They are never allowed to protest. Older son is desperately unhappy at school but he doesn't even bother to talk to his father because he knows he does not get heard.

The man stamps on the growing flowers, crushes them and then thinks the flowers never wanted to grow there in the first place.

ljsbear :( Sounds really bad.

@tractorhome
And hello others..named changed and popping back after a while away)
Late answer to your question.
A lot of Autistic people have adhd and I think coupled with the not fitting in etc this does make ex pat more likely. My DW is in fact from overseas. Initially I thought a lot of her issues were cultural. I think she did too. She didn't find her social communication problems as bad at home either.

I'm in the mudst of divorce and its incredibly exhausting as its bringing put the worst.

I just wanted to say hello, I'm in a neurodiverse /neurotypical relationship and I'm the autistic person. I know this is a support thread for nt people so I hope it's okay for me to pop in.

I don't think any of us are ableist or anti neurodiversity. Many of us have other disabilities and/or our dc do.
We fully acknowledge that our partners and ex partners are struggling because they're living in a non-neurodiverse world and carrying baggage from being undiagnosed and having difficult lives.
However. Let me tell you about my life. All of that above applies to my ex. Shes also a she. Not some horrible ex-H that we hear about that's not ND etc etc. But being married to someone who's own baggage, baggage related to their ND .. is extremely difficult. Divorcing even more so. Anxiety and poor social communication make it extremely difficult. Its similar to (in terms of advice given on
MN often) to a partner with long term severe depression. You want to stick by and support and make it work. At some point the balance tips away from you and you feel completely one-sided and unfulfilled. So you're reading a snapshot of posts from people in this situation. Most have given it a go for a really long time. 20 years in my case. Have completely changed themselves to fit around a ND partner. And can't see evidence the ND partner is doing the same (they may well be- in my case not particularly obviously). Yes we get its difficult, yes we get that being ND doesn't mean you are like this too... but surely you must understand that some of us are at the end of our tether.
A lot of us are separated because we think this is also better for the ND partner too.
.Because we actually like them. We just can't live together. And the feeling is mutual.
So please don't think its an attack on Autism.
BTW my Ex takes every comment as an attack. Even something simple like ' did you pick up toilet paper at the shop?'
She can't tell a question from an accusation. Try having that in every interaction for 20 years. It breaks you slowly.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores

I don't think any of us are ableist or anti neurodiversity. Many of us have other disabilities and/or our dc do. We fully acknowledge that our partners and ex partners are struggling because they're living in a non-neurodiverse world and carrying baggage from being undiagnosed and having difficult lives. However. Let me tell you about my life. All of that above applies to my ex. Shes also a she. Not some horrible ex-H that we hear about that's not ND etc etc. But being married to someone who's own baggage, baggage related to their ND .. is extremely difficult. Divorcing even more so. Anxiety and poor social communication make it extremely difficult. Its similar to (in terms of advice given on MN often) to a partner with long term severe depression. You want to stick by and support and make it work. At some point the balance tips away from you and you feel completely one-sided and unfulfilled. So you're reading a snapshot of posts from people in this situation. Most have given it a go for a really long time. 20 years in my case. Have completely changed themselves to fit around a ND partner. And can't see evidence the ND partner is doing the same (they may well be- in my case not particularly obviously). Yes we get its difficult, yes we get that being ND doesn't mean you are like this too... but surely you must understand that some of us are at the end of our tether. A lot of us are separated because we think this is also better for the ND partner too. .Because we actually like them. We just can't live together. And the feeling is mutual. So please don't think its an attack on Autism. BTW my Ex takes every comment as an attack. Even something simple like ' did you pick up toilet paper at the shop?' She can't tell a question from an accusation. Try having that in every interaction for 20 years. It breaks you slowly.

I agree.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores

I don't think any of us are ableist or anti neurodiversity. Many of us have other disabilities and/or our dc do. We fully acknowledge that our partners and ex partners are struggling because they're living in a non-neurodiverse world and carrying baggage from being undiagnosed and having difficult lives. However. Let me tell you about my life. All of that above applies to my ex. Shes also a she. Not some horrible ex-H that we hear about that's not ND etc etc. But being married to someone who's own baggage, baggage related to their ND .. is extremely difficult. Divorcing even more so. Anxiety and poor social communication make it extremely difficult. Its similar to (in terms of advice given on MN often) to a partner with long term severe depression. You want to stick by and support and make it work. At some point the balance tips away from you and you feel completely one-sided and unfulfilled. So you're reading a snapshot of posts from people in this situation. Most have given it a go for a really long time. 20 years in my case. Have completely changed themselves to fit around a ND partner. And can't see evidence the ND partner is doing the same (they may well be- in my case not particularly obviously). Yes we get its difficult, yes we get that being ND doesn't mean you are like this too... but surely you must understand that some of us are at the end of our tether. A lot of us are separated because we think this is also better for the ND partner too. .Because we actually like them. We just can't live together. And the feeling is mutual. So please don't think its an attack on Autism. BTW my Ex takes every comment as an attack. Even something simple like ' did you pick up toilet paper at the shop?' She can't tell a question from an accusation. Try having that in every interaction for 20 years. It breaks you slowly.

All of what you've said exactly describes my ex-spouse. The thing is, in our relationship I'm the ND (autistic) partner. My ex was assessed and not diagnosed with ASD, but suspected narcissistic personality disorder was brought up.

All through all counseling with ASD specific marriage counselors, the constant theme was that I genuinely could not do more. It wasn't just my perception that my relationship was the way you describe. It really was, and it nearly destroyed me.

But the things that destroyed me weren't autism or other ND behaviour. It was a selfish spouse who didn't want to compromise, or put spouse and children first.

So what I and many other ND people object to with this thread is that NT people also do all the awful things you described in relationships, and many ND people work incredibly hard on compromise and trying to do their best by a partner.

ND=bad and NT=good in a relationship is obnoxious and offensive as it is inaccurate and wrong.

I don't disagree. But there's a lot of forums for Autistic or Neurodiverse people to discuss all their challenges. How can we ever discuss anything specific to our issues? There are issues or there wouldn't be a long running thread.. and to be honest in real life too.
My ex is a lovely person. But not to be married to. I never told anyone about how she really was. She wasn't even keen post -diagnosis for people to know as people do judge. I didn't want to be disloyal and I felt bad about it like it was my fault i should be helping more. Then I had joint counselling for autistic families where I was told I wasn't trying hard enough. I needed to explain things more. Do schedule, not be spontaneous, expect less. My ex didn't have to do anything. The counsellor was Autistic. Even my ex thought it was slanted! (My dm is also undiagnosed but likely Autistic). My DS is too and I spent 5 years fighting the school system for him. I have diagnosed conditions myself. All the time it was about how I needed to change more, support more, accept more. But it was only when I got to breaking point and saw people myself it became clear that I also have a right to have my needs met. No one was doing that. My DS comes first and I dont blame him. I'm helping him grow into the fantastic Autistic person he is. But my ex has done nothing to support him. She's too caught up in her own issues.
So I'm sorry some people are blaming all their relationship issues on ND traits in a partner. But honestly there are some themes and perhaps it's just frustration/anger/disappointment. I definitely morned the relationship I had hoped for. I also feel incredibly sad for my ex. I hope someone else can make her happier.

To put the other side of the coin, I've seen some ND people posting that they find this thread helpful as for the first time they've seen things from the other side.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores describes many of our situations very well.

There is another very significant consideration of and that is most posters are in very long term relationships, mostly marriages, another 20 years here. A marriage is a completely different relationship than any other, it requires commitment, equality, transparency and much much more.

Masking, late diagnosis, engrained or learnt coping mechanisms make this more difficult for all of us our partners included.

I'm posting here for the first time this year following a few posts previously a couple of years ago when I suspected my partner had Aspergers. He has now just been diagnosed.

Our child is going through some awful behaviours at the moment (no reason to believe she's autistic yet- more pushing boundaries) and after a chat with the Health visitor I just feel really hopeless. She explained lots of techniques we could try, recommended a few books but my partner really strugges with executive functioning. I explained this to her and also said that he would be unlikely to read the books and she told me I needed to parent my partner on how to parent our child.

I already feel exhausted. I have to help him prioritise being in a relationship with me which is already a bit soul destroying, help him plan in his share of the domestic work at home, plan in his time, make him aware of how long he's spending on hobbies, remind him about appointments etc. And now I have to help him parent too? I just want to cry with exhaustion and overwhelm.

Does anyone wish they had got off the ride and had done with it? But then how will I help him parent if we're separated?!!

@wavesfromtheback

I just wanted to say hello, I'm in a neurodiverse /neurotypical relationship and I'm the autistic person. I know this is a support thread for nt people so I hope it's okay for me to pop in.

@wavesfromtheback

As far as I'm concerned you're very welcome. As you will see, however, it is a place where NT partners will vent their frustrations. There is as a good reason for this and so I hope you won't be hurt by some of the observations that may be made on the thread. As noted above, there are quite a few people whose relationships with ASC people have foundered and that is a tragedy. In my own case, we have found a way through so far (he says carefully not tempting fate through complacency). My DW can be very fierce towards me but she loves me fiercely too, and that is very much a part of her character and her ASC. It can be tough though for NT and there basically no help for them to be better spouses other than support threads like these.

As an aside I think anyone who wants threads like these shut down ought to bear this last point very carefully in mind.

Spearmintio every sympathy.

I think firstly, keep in mind that the Health Visitor is not living your life and has no fecking idea of what you are already doing. I've noticed with quite a lot of advisors that they are willing to heap extra work and burdens on your shoulders saying 'this will help' without considering you. I didn't realise how heavy it can be until I got help for our son. That help does suggest doing more for son, but they also ask -me- how I am and how much i -can- do. It makes a difference!

Also, you do what you can. You are not an endless reservoir and you cannot be God and do it all.

So if you can't parent your husband, don't. Do the best you can with what you are already doing. If you have any spare reserves (heh) then frankly - take a long bath or do something you like. Look after yourself.

I stayed with my ex because I really wanted it to work and because I was afraid for the children. His danger-sense is very poor. In the end it was save myself or go under (final straw was that he didn't look or speak to me for a week because some stranger paid me a compliment in passing).

Sadly I had to accept that the children were at risk and in fact he had a local social services intervention for a time, thank heavens. Now they are older and more able to look after themselves. But he cannot be a sensitive and responsive parent, much as he loves them. He really does.

I have had quite a lot to do with the lady who assessed both our sons who also knows ex-H. I raised this problem with her, being able to be sensitive and responsive. She said that as long as one parent can be, then a great deal is achieved and that actually, as long as there is love and that they experience that sensitive interaction is even possible, then it is a gigantic thing for them because they know it's possible for the future.

I think if you have a partner, NT or ND, who is limitted for whatever reason in her / his parenting (plenty of NT parents just shouldn't be parents!) you have to accept that things aren't going to be ideal. It's a bitter pill to cry over.

But then you get up and go on and do the best you can, and remember that love, healthy boundaries and listening to your children achieve a very great deal.

@Ijsbear

Spearmintio every sympathy.

I think firstly, keep in mind that the Health Visitor is not living your life and has no fecking idea of what you are already doing. I've noticed with quite a lot of advisors that they are willing to heap extra work and burdens on your shoulders saying 'this will help' without considering you. I didn't realise how heavy it can be until I got help for our son. That help does suggest doing more for son, but they also ask -me- how I am and how much i -can- do. It makes a difference!

Also, you do what you can. You are not an endless reservoir and you cannot be God and do it all.

So if you can't parent your husband, don't. Do the best you can with what you are already doing. If you have any spare reserves (heh) then frankly - take a long bath or do something you like. Look after yourself.

I stayed with my ex because I really wanted it to work and because I was afraid for the children. His danger-sense is very poor. In the end it was save myself or go under (final straw was that he didn't look or speak to me for a week because some stranger paid me a compliment in passing).

Sadly I had to accept that the children were at risk and in fact he had a local social services intervention for a time, thank heavens. Now they are older and more able to look after themselves. But he cannot be a sensitive and responsive parent, much as he loves them. He really does.

I have had quite a lot to do with the lady who assessed both our sons who also knows ex-H. I raised this problem with her, being able to be sensitive and responsive. She said that as long as one parent can be, then a great deal is achieved and that actually, as long as there is love and that they experience that sensitive interaction is even possible, then it is a gigantic thing for them because they know it's possible for the future.

I think if you have a partner, NT or ND, who is limitted for whatever reason in her / his parenting (plenty of NT parents just shouldn't be parents!) you have to accept that things aren't going to be ideal. It's a bitter pill to cry over.

But then you get up and go on and do the best you can, and remember that love, healthy boundaries and listening to your children achieve a very great deal.

I really can't thank you enough for such a positive response @Ijsbear you made me feel so much better about the situation. I felt like I might drown im overwhelm after the conversation with the HV.

Also, I have the same problem with DH and danger awareness. He failed to call an ambulance when our daughter hypo'd when she was 3 and she fell unconscious. We were very lucky that it wasn't more serious. This keeps me with him.
Ironically, he's also a school teacher so any concerns I raise hypothetically in court would be laughed out of the room I think. I am starting to keep a log regardless.
He allowed our 4 year old to play in the drive way alone last week whilst he was at the back of the house putting shopping away in the kitchen. When I caught her outside after coming downstairs I blew my top and he looks at me vacantly. I feel trapped with him forever to protect my kids. Thing is, they adore him so hardly like we would be able to move on and forget about him. It's very difficult.

Hi, I’ve been following these threads for some time. I have four children, three are diagnosed ND, combinations of ASD/ADDinattentive and lots of sensory issues. Their father, my now ex husband is undiagnosed formally, there never seemed any real point. He’s a talented architect but can’t “do life” really, if it involves any flexibility for anyone else. We are civil, I’m still managing everything and have to give specific instructions and information about the children etc.

Anyway we have been apart for some years now, and a few months ago I met a lovely man. We laugh ourselves silly, the sex (which was dead as a dodo with my ex) is good, and we get along fine. We live apart and see each other every other weekend. He is also divorced with children.

He has a lot of behaviours which I recognise from my ex husband and children. Significant rigidity of thought, socially clunky, very noise sensitive. He is a very talented engineer and has several in depth special interests. His son was recently referred for an autism assessment by his school, he’s academically fine but socially struggles and my boyfriend said he felt the same and has done as many screenings as he can find, all of which he scores highly on. He’s currently in the process of pursuing a formal diagnosis.

So, whilst I think the world of him, there is a part of me that wonders whether having another ND partner is a Good Thing? If I’d known how difficult things would have turned out with my ex I would have run a mile. But then I have my beautiful children. It goes around in my head.

My new man is lovely, and yet with the eyes of an exNT spouse I can see exactly why his wife divorced him. He also worked as an ex Pat for years (there’s a theme there) and now lives alone. He is mostly baffled as to why his marriage failed. He says she never said why she wanted out. I suspect she told him till she was blue in the face.

What would you do? We are both in our late 40s early 50s and have agreed that so far we are not looking for anyone else, but is this also going to lead to heartache?

@Attwoodsladyfriend I sometimes think DW and I would be fine as long as we didn't live together, but I know that wouldn't work either.

I don't think it matters whether a partnership is NT:ND, ND:ND or anything else what matters is that the needs of each other are being met. That takes awareness and communication.

@Attwoodsladyfriend I feel it’s a bad sign that he is mostly baffled as to why his marriage failed. If he had a good idea why and was prepared to do his best to avoid behaviour that caused problems in a future relationship, and to aim to meet the other person’s needs, that would be a better situation.

I probably wouldn’t go there myself.

I wouldn't go there either @Attwoodsladyfriend . You've been bitten once before and him not having any understanding of his marriage failing is a bit of a red flag.

We have talked about it recently and it seems that he’s realising that things came undone when he moved back from his foreign placements.

his wife would send him back early rather than have him under her feet, despite having very young children. I think he may be, unliveable-with. Apparently they were ok until the kids came along and the dynamic and expectations changed.

@Daftasabroom you said you sometimes think it might work if you didn’t live together - can you talk some more about that?

I think ultimately DW needs to be able to do her things, her way, at her pace. She can cope with her work, it's not very demanding and she has certain clear obligations but it's up to her how she delivers that.

She has little or no space in her life to be able accommodate the needs or expectations of others and she does have gets used up on the DC with nothing left for our relationship. This wouldn't change no matter what our accommodation arrangements were.

I feel like I've been emotionally abused over the last 10 years. Not being heard, not understood, neglected, rejected, loneliness, particularly when the children were very little and he'd leave me lone parenting at weekends so he could go off doing his special interests. The lack of care and empathy but then having to fish for it to no success as he never "got it." But I know this outcome is completely unintentional. He's generally a good person, but only understands facts, figure and evidence.
It is emotional abuse.
But it's not intended.
Anyone else found that really tricky to deal with? We're still together but I know I have to leave him at some point as I don't want my girls growing up thinking this is normal. It's difficult as they adore their father.

@Chakralady try not to think of it as abuse as that implies some intent or awareness of the effects a particular behaviour is having but there is no doubt it is very difficult to deal with. The only advice I have been given that has been of any use was to lower my expectations. I.e. to accept my needs will not be met and accept that we can never have the relationship I was led to expect.

The outcome for me/us here is the same though isn't it@Daftasabroom regardless of intention?
I think that makes it harder because if there was intention, it would be easier to leave.