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Original poster

Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

982 replies

Bluebellforest1 · 21/12/2020 11:04

New thread

OP posts:
AspergersWife · 14/01/2022 15:59

Yes I'm quite used to H crashing and not being able to function around the kids. I also have huge problems with sleep and insomnia and haven't napped around the kids since my youngest was a baby. Obvs I wouldn't sleep when I'm seeing my children only 1 night per week or fortnight. Whereas he'll just happily sleep away the whole contact time rather than prioritising them. It's so galling to see the level of effort he's willing to put in to stay awake for a full afternoon/day/night with literally anyone else, but unwilling to do the same for his children. He stays up gaming online all night and doesn't see that as the reason he's so tired, instead he blames the kids for being too stressful - my eldest does have ASD but the kids aren't more energetic than any other child really, in fact my eldest is probably less energetic as he likes to just be quiet and focussed. I'm sure the addictive nature of the gaming interferes with H's sleep even more but then he takes his rattiness out on the kids.

Toocoldtocamp · 16/01/2022 17:59

Yes exactly the same here..
Honestly couldn't get up in the morning if house was on fire!
I am in no way in the market for a new partner at the moment. But I do hope I have one that even occasionally brings me a cup of tea in bed. I think I've had 2 in my life that I've not asked for. DW has only go up before me about 4 times in 20 years. Honestly!

Daftasabroom · 17/01/2022 13:05

DW could easily sleep 12 hours, DS regularly does. Poor or disruptive sleep is a recognised symptom of autism and there have been a number of studies showing 5htp treatment to be very successful.

stilllovegeorge · 17/01/2022 20:37

Oh god I am nodding my head at all this again. Had a row today as hubby came in to room where I was working and said, 'so and so is coming round. Can you make sure you're polite to him as sometimes you're not. Actually he's coming into the house."
I said could he please not as our kids were off school today sick.
He then went into a complete rant about me, saying I am very harsh with all his friends.
What???
He just talks at me constantly without actually having a conversation. I am totally exhausted by it.

Toocoldtocamp · 17/01/2022 22:25

Sorry to hear that. My DS is quite like that... he talks at me.

CrumpetswithMarmite · 18/01/2022 07:33

Yes the 'talking at me' is 100% familiar. Both my partner and my brother do it. They can literally talk for hours at me. It can be quite tiring. And then if I don't listen intently I will get accused of not caring by my partner.

I've been quite upset actually in the past that it feels like they are the ones that don't care, not me. As the lack of interest or two-way conversation feels draining.

I do realise now this is part of autism and they won't change. I can cope with it but I don't appreciate the accusations that I don't care. Eventually it leads me to not care so much which is the irony of the accusation!

Daftasabroom · 18/01/2022 07:35

The toilet cistern float valve failed at some point yesterday so that there was a steady stream flowing into the toilet and down the drain. DW didn't know what to do (there is a shut valve in a cabinet) but she didn't think to tell me either. We are on water meter and effectively had s tap running over night.

Daftasabroom · 18/01/2022 07:44

DW will talk at me and woe betide me trying to get a word in. DS will always ask "do you mind me talking about this?", he's far more self aware than DW.

Ijsbear · 26/01/2022 18:51

Son (also autistic) is much much more self aware than ex-H too daft. He struggles very badly with ex-H's inability to understand that other people might have different experiences to him. Son struggles badly with some things that cause him real distress. Ex just can't see or accept it which means son is both struggling with the thing, and with his dad's lack of any understanding.

On the good news side, son has chosen his next school which has an excellent reputation. It's for children with autism, epilepsy and long term illnesses and his private maths tutor teaches there too.

AspergerWife how are you doing now?

LonesomeBee · 04/02/2022 09:30

Hope it's alright for me to join this thread! I read through all of them with great interest. Made me feel less alone.

My DH was diagnosed with asperger's as a child but his parents hid it from him so he never got any support he could have needed. We only found out a few years ago. We have come a long way and he is generally a good partner. But one thing that I just can't move past, and I don't know if this is related to his autism or something entirely different, is his insane martyr-type behaviour. Yes, unlike a lot of the spouses described in these threads, my DH comes across as entirely selfless. Everyone who knows us is jealous of how much he contributes. If I'd let him, he'd take on all the chores, the childcare, etc.

But he doesn't do it because it brings him joy or fulfills him. He does it because it is part of the role he is playing. I asked him if he would like to take a day this weekend for himself to do his hobby and he says in a very rehearsed tone: "No, I want to focus on my family. A good father does not have silly hobbies." In the past he's said similar things about "a good husband", "a good worker", or "a good student". It's actually driving me up the wall. I tell him that I am worried he will burn out. That you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself. I have also tried to explain to him that that makes me feel like I am not "a good whatever" because I am less hard on myself. But it just doesn't get through to him. And it makes me think back - who was this person that I fell in love with? Was that really him or just his idea of "a good boyfriend"? Was every decision we made not one that "we" made but that I made and he followed because that's what he thinks a "good partner" does?

Sigh. Sorry, look at me complaining about my helpful spouse. I must sound mad!

Skye99 · 04/02/2022 15:48

Welcome, LonesomeBee. I can empathise with wanting more authenticity. It’s good that your H wants to be a good husband and father. I think that taking care of yourself is part of that, though. Also authentic responses.

I partly have the same thing with my H. He doesn’t seem to have those aims, but he does take on quite a few household tasks. This would be welcome, because I have CFS, but he doesn’t do them well or reliably. So sometimes it ends up causing more work than if I did them myself.

Skye99 · 04/02/2022 15:53

PS It seems unkind of your in-laws to keep your DH‘s diagnosis from him. No doubt it was not meant that way, but as you say, he missed out on support. Also on understanding and on reflecting that he could have been doing on the best way to live taking his Asperger’s into account.

Ijsbear · 06/02/2022 11:46

It seems extremely unkind of them yes and foolish.

Could it get through to him about stepping back just a bit if you say something like "I know you want to be a good father and husband. Part of that is listening to your wife and to your children and learning to negotiate, and to put it into practise. That's what all good marriage guides say and all parenting advice - love, healthy boundaries and time and taking each other's needs into account"

Then if he's thought about that a while, then say "I need you / it would make me happier if / this is important (whatever phrasing gets through to him best) ...to allow me to feel useful by giving me space to do X, Y and Z too"

I don't know, jsut a thought. Nothing, nothing at all ever got through to my ex and still doesn't but perhaps it might with your husband?

(I still can't get over the fact that he said in marriage counselling that "I didn't think I had to listen to anything you said" and meant it! He didn't think that a husband needs to listen to anything^ his wife or children said. I'm not sure he ever got to the stage of realising the wife needs to listen to the husband too, reciprocally. Since he didn't need to listen to anything I said, what he wanted he got)

I might be a bit sore about that :p

Skye99 · 06/02/2022 15:01

ljsbear "I didn't think I had to listen to anything you said"

That is my H’s approach. I don’t think he would actually say that, but what he actually does is to pretend to listen and then fake answers.

Whatliesbeneath707 · 08/02/2022 09:50

I've not had time to read the whole thread but I think will be really useful. Some of these things that you all mention do resonate with me.

tractorhome · 10/02/2022 07:43

hello all, I've read through some of this and am thinking about my own marriage. A lot here is resonating...

One question - can anyone explain to me the connection between Asperger's and being an expat?

Is it that people with Asperger's like isolation and drag their partners along with them?

Daftasabroom · 10/02/2022 12:44

@tractorhome I don't think there is any reason why a person with ASC should be drawn to an expat lifestyle and career any more than anyone else.

A bit more background and context might help.

tractorhome · 10/02/2022 15:42

daftasabroom in some of the earlier threads many posters refer to a stint overseas - it was coming up as a characteristic of families with undiagnosed Aspergers.

I have lived in a few places with my partner, who I suspect may have Aspergers based on what I'm reading here. We never seem to truly 'fit' or settle, and I am starting to wonder if we ever will. And maybe if moving somewhere new and being an outsider is a natural state for us as a family.... which is a bit sad.

Daftasabroom · 11/02/2022 08:12

@tractorhome it's possible of course but a preference for routine and anxiety around change is a more common autistic trait.

Ijsbear · 11/02/2022 11:47

I suspect it's impossible to tell tractor. But if you have thought about it, then all the moves are troubling you? It's a lot of disruption and losing of old threads and trying to build up new friendships if you move a lot.

This could be completely off the mark, but I wonder if anyone who feels they don't fit might be more likely to move, in a sort of unaware hope that eventually they finally find the place they do.

A sense of belonging is so utterly vital to us all.

tractorhome · 11/02/2022 15:46

ljsbear it is vital. The moves are troubling in that they don't seem to make a difference and everything always feels temporary. But moving a lot can be the norm for many people, not just those with autism, for work or family or even these days climate change.

I just found it interesting in an earlier thread that a few posters mentioned a stint overseas as a common thread and wondered why that was - but perhaps it's not so apparent in later threads. I'm still working my way through them.

Skye99 · 11/02/2022 15:46

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Ijsbear · 11/02/2022 16:39

That's pretty perceptive Skye. Definitely think there might be something in that.

tractorhome · 11/02/2022 17:28

Skye99 I think that's true - it can be an escape to always be a foreigner/outsider and less painful in a way that feeling like an outsider in your own hometown. And not something only people with autism do.

tractorhome · 11/02/2022 17:36

LonesomeBee your comments really resonate. I am married to 'the nicest guy in the world' - he literally lives for family life and to be a good dad and takes very little for himself or for us as a couple, it's all about 'the family' yet at the same time he often doesn't appear to enjoy it or relax in the moment, it's all quite tense and rigid.

I thought it was just the toddler years, which are hard, but this almost siege mentality seems to be persisting and I'm thinking - when does it relent, when do we get to enjoy life? Why does everything feel so stressful?

A few weeks ago he went away to visit an old school friend and I took the kids out and it was so relaxed.... we bought some food and maybe someone got some on their jacket but I didn't even notice, the kids ran around and I couldn't always see them but they turned up again, I got to chat with some people... we jumped on a bus home and yes it cost money and yes it was public transport (which he finds very stressful and dirty) and yes we got home a bit late but the atmosphere was so much less heavy and it was the best night i've had in ages. It made me realise that the way I am around him is so different.

I don't know. the kids will grow up and have their own lives at some point and I feel like I need to start getting out now.