Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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Is anyone in a successful relationship with someone with asd/ asperges?
Im certain my oh has it but he isnt sure, never been diagnosed.
Can it work

yes, there are a lot of people in successful relationships. There seem to be two keys to it:

1. the person with asd accepts that their brains are different from the majority of people, and that neurotypical people have slightly different needs from them, and then tries to adapt and compromise. Often with the help of training.

2. the non-asd person accepts their partner is wired differently and alters expectations to some degree.

and fundamentally I think they need to like each other!

A good friend has a successful marriage. It has its challenges, but he accepts he's got an ASD wiring and he really tries very hard to listen to her, value her opinion and work with her. She perceives that and values it.

I wish my own ex had been so smart.

Thanks @Ijsbear is it her husband?

Idlove to know some tips of dealing with it

yes, it is her husband.

Tips ... I can only give my own pov, and it may not work for you. Hopefully others have some =)

My own main tip? Assess whether he's willing to work at the marriage or if he is entirely happy as it is.

If he's happy, then in my own view the chances of getting anything to change are slim. If he is really committed and understands you are struggling, then ask him to go for assessment and then external training.

In the short term? I'm afraid my experience could be summed up by learning never to rely on him for emotional support, ever; never to rely on him to have my back; never to disagree with him. Never to expect a conversation with him. It was summed up by one short conversation 5 years into the 11 year marriage: "talking to you doesn't achieve anything, shouting at you doesn't achieve anything, what will?" and his answer was "nothing". (Im still bitter!)

I hope your experience is better and that your partner is willing to learn.

aspergerswife the thread dropped off my watch list but I'm really glad to hear that thigns finally got sorted out. It's taken me 20 months to even begin to regain a sense that I can have a presence, iyswim, but green shoots are finally growing again. I hope your recovery can begin quicker :)

Hi I've managed 18 years and I could suck it up and carry on. Some days I wonder why I don't. (To be honest I will have to organise us breaking up if I want it to actually happen!)
Its about YOUR expectations.
I know other couples with Autism in the mix and generally the woman without ASC (i only know Autistic men or gay women partners to women) has limited expectations or has perhaps lost them and cracks on in a variety of ways. I can see some frustration but not everyone wants the same things from a relationship. And lots of people in general settle for 50% ok. Certainly lots of friends without autism in mix dont look completely happy in their long term marriages and just muddling along. So no different really. You might think ASC is no different than anything else. I do think if it were an illness would I do this. Abandoning.
For me I can't cope with the lack of any spontaneous joy, and lack of emotional support and also the communication breakdown. I was asked this week if I was having an affair... I would literally have to be having it when I go shopping and school run!! I work from home. Partner cannot read me ever. She comes out with the dumbest things and she is a very bright woman of 50! Ive explained why we are breaking up (she says she wants to too FFS). The other night our shower was leaking. I spent ages trying to turn off the water etc. It was late at night. After I sorted (DW next to useless) i was grumpy and over it all. DW asked me why I was annoyed! That really pushed me over the edge! Her communication skills have plummeted during covid. She's like a regressed toddler.

I often read this thread but have stopped commenting on anything to do with my horrific cold soulless marriage here as every single time I post, and dare to tell the truth, its gets deleted as I've apparently offended people with ASD. Every single time. If you have never been in the position where you've had your hopes, dreams and heart trampled on by someone who pretended to be someone else until literally the moment he put a ring on your finger, and then made you miserable every single day through lack of affection, intimacy and thought but noone else believed you because 'hes such a lovely bloke,' then you have no place on this thread with those of us that have. Just saying

@SleepyMombie I'm not NT, but not Autistic. My ds is Autistic, and so is my dw and my dm. Yes they're amazing people in many ways. But they also lack the ability to understand someone else's viewpoint. They really do. They don't think so though. My dm does not try at all. She's very unselfaware but she's late 70s and different era. I feel sad she was let down in her life. But she's not been a great mum. I feel a lot of sadness for the lack of mum support. I've never had any. She's given me nothing. Really. It hurts but I've had to let it go.
My DW tries incredibly hard. And I like her in many ways. She's nice. Lots of people think she's sweet and kind. But I'm starting to resent her.
Do you know what I found out...2 work coaches asked me why I said 'do you understand?' after saying things. I said, People don't seen to understand me. They said 'but you're really clear'. Not 1 but 2 different coaches. Turns out it's because my DW can't follow a 2 part instruction - e.g can you get the green mug. She'll hear mug but not green. Since I noticed this (recently I may add) i notice its almost every time i say anything. It means conversations are impossible. It has literally made me a wreck and my self confidence is low. It was such a lightbulb moment. I can also see now she gets so upset when I got angry. She can't help it. Doesn't even realise. But imagine how it feels to repeat this multiple times over every day for 18 years?! I am not perfect and my behaviour has likely caused similar to her. Its incompatible. We don't operate as a team. Its often easier to just do it myself which is what I did for the 12 years we had kids before covid/lockdown 1 and she worked all hours (she used to frequently miss her train home so that added to it!)
So when the times are good its OK. But when the chips are down she can't cope. I'm tired of coping on my own. I've had a bad week actually as another thing happened today. And I sorted it. And instead of making me a cuppa she went back upstairs and shut her office door bevuse in her mind it was resolved. So no she's not a bad person. Other people may be ok with this.. but I'm not. Its lonely.
My ds is a lot more understanding and self aware (although is very self absorbed but arent most dc!). I hope he finds a partner who is a good fit. Unlike my DW he's actually quite funny. My DW hasn't ever really been funny...she's really serious. But I didn't used to notice it as much. My son is much more chilled. He knows he's Autistic and is proud. We made him feel like that. So please don't think I'm ableist.

I hope the posters struggling living with family with ASD find the support they need, if not here, in other ways, in other places.