Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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@TomPinch I'm in a similar situation, NT DH to AS DW and DS1. The big difference is that there is no onus on her and all the onus is on me to make things work.

I think any successful relationship merits a congratulations. Congratulations!

It's interesting you mention the indirectness of Brits. DW misinterprets every thing I say, even when I'm really clear, she also never quite says what she means. I think this stems from not quite understanding the indirectness of English language and building a habit of trying to translate both what is being said from NT to AS and in reverse. It's incredibly frustrating to hold a conversation with her. It's like she sees and interacts with the world through a different lens.

It's fine when things are good and we all just flow with it. It's when we make challenges on this or say we don't think its fair or they have not carried out what they should that the problems start.

I'M NOT GOING MAD?! I AM KIND AND NOT UNREASONABLE... ARENT I?

They think WE are unreasonable and they come across as self centred to us or just clueless.
It is neither really.
Doesn't make it any less frustrating! (Especially when you find that as well as getting your kids stuff ready and their shoes on you need to chivvy them along too!!)
I got told last night I was a huge bully amongst other things as I moaned (turned into a row) that things weren't ready for a family night out with a group the kids go to. They needed to be ready when I got back due to timings (did several lists on request, called and also got back and did loads too... it was a rare day out on my own.. ..I mean rare! I came back at 5.30!). Why can't a 50 year old woman get 2 older dc ready for a night out?! Why isn't she embarrassed about this or even see it? The dc can get themselves ready but need encouragement and chivvying as they are children. She's been a parent for 13 years! I arrived back with just 45 mins to turn everyone around and go again and so the deal was everyone would be ready - must admit I did think I was being optimistic and had hoped to come back a bit earlier but bad traffic. In my heart I hoped this would be the one time I could walk in. A cup of tea handed to me and all I'd need to do was shower.... if course not! They weren't ready at all it was chaos. Dinner made but kids in uniform still noone had eaten dinner, bags not ready and so on. When I flipped a little bit (she moaned they were waiting for me me!). She'd done everything apparently and I'm really unreasonable and nasty. I didn't have time to eat and rushed out of the door without getting ready as I'd planned. Arrived at place she'd forgotten some of the essential kit. Despite having several messages about it. I'd have prob remembered had it not been so chaos. I just didn't say anything... I couldn't. I wanted to scream! My dd gave me a look.
Also got told She'd been busy doing (my) chores all day so this is why she's forgotten and not been ready (this morning found Thursday laundry soaking wet in dryer. Couldn't see any evidence of anything else being done...I even had the dog with me and had got kids ready and off to school.. I was literally out 8 30- 5.30... maybe her perception of just failure to admit.. ).
One of the DC has SEN so needs certainty and extra support. But I need to do that. If its to happen. Because even if I remind her she won't remember. She doesn't spontaneously do anything even if something we have done 40 times before (yet she is a very very senior project manager )

Its relentless! Go to bed shattered. This morning a similar scenario happene. Same routine every Saturday. She has offered to do the clubs etc today and even take another child too. She rolls out of bed 40 mins before they have to leave (normally I'd get her up but I didn't). I have to run around like crazy getting everything ready during that 40 mins... feeding kids..shouting up stairs etc. Reminding her of the schedule (she'd forgotten, not factored in extra time to get other child despite speaking to their parent yesterday)
Still not even any recognition of this. She will 100% say she was the one who did this morning!
I just don't know what to do anymore. If I don't do the things I do it is the kids who suffer...
Honestly these scenarios are why I am leaving! Its really sad but I can't do another 5 or 10 years of this. I'm already resentful.
Literally no one understands this. I can't explain it to anyone. No one can see how utterly soul destroying this is. And worst of all my DW thinks I am nasty and controlling!
But its not DA/DV there is no one else, we have a nice home and amazing kids..... but its not enough. Feeling valued is so important. I don't value her anymore and she says she values me...but she doesn't know what they means in practice.

Goodness @Pigeontown that sounds exhausting and draining, and apart from your DC ages I could've written it. It reminds me why I've made this decision! It's endless, infuriating and very selfish - intentionally or not, our partners hurt us, neglect us and then blame us. Do you have a plan in action for splitting?

I know even though we'll living apart I will still be responsible for H. He will put responsibility on me that isn't mine anymore. I know it. E.g He won't remember till wake up to collect the kids/drop them off late/forget their activities, overnight stuff etc etc. But it'll be my fault somehow. I know this for sure. Being apart will be so much easier than day in day out though, even though I'll have to learn to trust him a bit more with the DC. And I have to remind myself it's not forever, I can do it for a few more years to ensure the DC have what they need and get their full contact time while they're little. At some stage the kids will be older, have their own phones and can arrange their own contact. It's not forever. I've endured it so long I can go a bit more with a reduced demand.

@AspergersWife

I'm sorry its the same. But it helps to know that its a shared experience. (Wow I was angry earlier...wrote so much!)

I don't trust my dw to remember things... and I've really really tried. And yes I'll be blamed. And even though its fairly amicable I can see it changing easily.

We don't have a split plan currently but are due another mediation and counselling. I'm pretty sure its inevitable now as she's turned a bit nastier tbh. But she doesn't want to leave the house. And we can't afford to keep indefinitely.

H moved out last night. Lots of his clutter is still here but he won't be able to move all of that til he's got his new house completed and sorted.

I'm actually surprised at how easy he seemed to find it. I couldn't even bear to think of leaving just our cats behind, never mind my kids. He obviously isn't very emotional at the best of times but I thought he would show a bit of feeling to the DC at least. The kids were pretty calm and went to bed easily. I suppose he may be feeling a lot but keeping his face blank, but it was unnerving to see that detachment.

He texted me after he'd been gone about an hour to ask how they were and how I was. I replied within 30 mins letting him know we were ok and asking how he was but he's not read it or replied, even though WhatsApp showed he'd been online a few times through the night. I shouldn't be shocked but the level of disinterest does hurt. I want to ask him 'Why bother to ask how we are if you don't even care about the answer?' I knew he'd be straight on his PS game and get absorbed in it as usual, and not give us a second thought anyway, but he was obviously on WhatsApp messaging others through the night but not bothering to read mine. Prior to leaving he'd been all 'if the kids are upset or need me I'll be right back for them' etc etc so it's a good job I wasn't saying they're heartbroken, want another hug or anything.

He's also asked me to send photos of me and the kids doing everyday things. I said I'd try for a couple of weeks while we are adjusting, but not long term. If he wants to see the everyday things he should have put more effort into them while he lived here or else into making it work so he could be here for them!

@AspergersWife
Sorry that sounds really sad for you both.
I wouldn't read too much into him not reading the message. Maybe it was too upsetting for him. I find my DW avoids things which she can't deal with. So does my son and my mum. Where as some of is prefer to know and then deal with it. Its a compartmental mind thing. But it would upset me and make me annoyed so I know where you are coming from.
I expect despite everything he is really really upset. The reality is he wanted to live his life in a way that was not the way you wanted to. He can't understand why it wouldn't just be easier if you did. My DW is same. She thinks I am selfishly upsetting the kids and harmony because she doesn't get that everyday is difficult for me. In days gone by when women had a loss less power (i.e. to be honest a lot of the previous generation!) then women had no choice but to stay in unhappy situations. But we are not then. Life is short. Making selfish decisions when you have children I don't approve of generally but there is only.so much you can do. At the end of the day you don't want to spend retirement together so no point waiting till the kids have grown before starting the life you need. My uncle's wife did that (although she was younger than I am now) and her kids hated her for all the unhappy family years and then starting a new life when they'd just left home leaving them without a base. This is why starting now makes better sense (for me anyway).

Oh and my DW is annoyed about the kids not being with her every morning and evening if we split. This is actually her only main concern. That and the equity in the house!... but she doesn't get up to do the mornings... she does do bedtime BUT she moans a lot about it and gets cross with everyone. The rest of the day she works. On a weekend she does random jobs like wiping down work surfaces or repotting plants or going to mini tesco for chocolate (not actual food!) and being gone for over an hour when its a 5 min walk, or watching the rolling 24hr news. We can literally all go an entire day without more than a handful of words with her... she has a few stock sentences...and that includes the kids! So she just wants us here...but not actually interact! Honestly I don't get it. She completely denies this. When I'm not with the kids their presence will be very missed as I spend so much time interacting with them, hanging out, chatting, and doing things for them.

So a little update from me. H has been gone a week now. A friend just asked me how it had been and I replied honestly, like there's nothing different. Except things are much calmer, because at night the kids aren't crazy winding themselves up vying for his attention whilst he ignores them on his phone. He doesn't go out much, but often used to come home (late), get the kids riled up just before bed, do not much to help with bedtime except lounge about on his phone, then decide to go out to the shops or football or something, disrupting them when he came back slamming the front door. So our evenings have been like clockwork and apart from being sad about their colds, the kids seem to be doing fine. They've said occasionally they miss Daddy, but we do regular FaceTimes and they seem totally fine with that.

It's been a hard week for me just because both the kids have a cold, so we are all shattered. I did 2 days at my new job and attended my job centre meeting so I can claim UC. The people I'll be working with seem lovely, my work coach is nice and understanding too. Financially, as long as H does pay maintenance, I think I'll be fine, maybe even better off as I won't have to factor in all the food for H in my budget. I don't often have regrets in life, but I do regret not researching my benefits entitlements properly and being done with him a long time ago.

I don't think I've slept through a single night due to the poor kids' teary coughs and sneezes all night, my youngest coughs so hard she feels sick and that makes her cry, so I've been in an out of her room all week, but apart from tiredness I'm really feel like I'm doing fine. Maybe it'll hit me down the line. H came in today to collect the kids and told me he's missing me more than he thought he would. I just laughed and said I didn't know if that was a compliment or an insult. I didn't say anything back as I genuinely have not missed the hot and cold, weird silences and moods, second guessing what his odd turns of phrases mean, or the creeping tension wondering what he was saying or texting to the online woman or if he might spend some time with me.

First night at home without the kids tonight, this will be a very weird one! I don't think I've been home totally alone since my eldest was born! I am sure I will wake periodically imagining coughing/crying.

@AspergersWife What an achievement. You’ve survived your first week in spite of your DC being ill. For me the relief would come from not having to think about what DH is thinking / doing…the wondering what’s going on because he can’t be upfront or honest or authentic.

Really excellent news about your job! I am so pleased for you.

@BraveB

Whilst I utterly support those of us who have or had relationships with partners who have ASD having a thread where we can speak openly and safely about our difficulties, your post really needs removing. It is full of frankly bigoted, objectionable and simply incorrect generalisations.

I suggest that you ask MNHQ to remove your post yourself, because I cannot imagine anyone on this thread agrees with any of what you have written.

I do wish you courage in leaving your obviously abusive relationship however.

I don't know about removing a post about how someone feels, it's important we have a safe space to explore these things as nothing is ever talked about IRL and so often we are shut down by our partners. The only generalisation I see @BraveB making is an opinion where they say asd men seem to share traits of narcissism and the comment about mothering. She/he doesn't say ALL men/people on the spectrum are abusive or anything derogatory about all autistic people. She/he has come to their conclusions based off of reading our experiences about our particular partners on this thread. And on that score I have to say my personal experience does agree with the poster's comments, because certainly I would say my H fits into those emotionally abusive and narcissistic personality traits. That doesn't mean it is because of his Aspergers, but those awful characteristics are definitely a part of him and he uses his diagnosis as a way to excuse such behaviour instead of learning how to deal with things in a way that works for me as an NT and in our predominantly NT world.

@BraveB just so you know, some of the partners being discussed here are female so it isn't necessarily just men with ASD who are showing narcissistic and/or abusive traits. Comments on this thread have been reported and removed in the past when harmful stereotypes are posted and I think some people reading the thread are sensitive about hurtful assumptions being made.

@BraveB I'm expecting your post is going to get taken down. You are welcome here of course but you do need to be careful in tarring all with the same brush. As those of us with both AS DPs and AS DCs will attest if you've met one person on the AS you've met one person on the AS.

I feel your pain but so many behaviours (for all of us) are tertiary and secondary.

@Haffiana

Your statement is contradictory, I thought this was a space for women to discuss their experiences with ASD husbands. That is what the subject line states. It is objectionable that you would want to take my voice away. I read the posts, I was am able to empathise with many of the women who are sharing traits of their ASD husbands. In fact my husband in arguments 'brings his inner lawyer out'. You have done the same when I have shared my experience. You don't know what I have been through.

@BraveB some us are married to women which is a slightly different dynamic.

@AspergersWife well done for all making it through week 1. Hope you are all feeling better now.

Re OP. My partner is a woman and my ds and my mum are Autistic. And I'm not neurotypical myself (not Autistic).
However yes all of these people come across as self absorbed by usual standards. In varying degrees. My dm is the least self aware, even less than my.ds. my partner is very much so..somewhere between. Do I know its not deliberate. Yes. Does it make it easier. No. Been running here there and everywhere today. Told DW this (again) last night.and this morning she slept in so I did it all again. Started off on the backfoot. She totally forgot. Not even sorry. She then acts as if it was the first time she'd ever done this and I'm the unreasonable one. My patience is completely gone as I'm totally exhausted with loads of underlying health conditions too caused by stress. So no these aren't bigoted stereotypes in my experience. She is a good person but not a good partner.. But living with disabilities is difficult for everyone.

Yes Autistic people are amazing too. But like the person above can't see how this behaviour is utterly grinding for those in their orbit. Ocassionally I will spell something out and a penny drops. She can't change who she is..I.cant expect her too.. so that's it. The end.

@Pigeontown I have said of DW many many times that she is very self absorbed but with little self awareness.

It is interesting as since moving out, H seems to have become hyper aware of how draining he's been to me. He dropped something off this morning and actually asked me 'are you happy?' I don't think once in our entire marriage has he ever asked me this. It was all about him, and I guess he assumed if he was ok then so was I. And then told me it was important we discuss our thoughts and feelings as we are co-parenting 😂 he's never ever wanted to discuss anything beyond surface stuff since we've had our DC. I am neither happier nor unhappier right now, and I answered him as such.

The dc are fairly upset. But it dawned on me earlier this week that the older one is frightened as I do Everything. That's what's worrying her the most. Not every chore but I hold the keys to our life. If she has to live between 2 homes half of the time she'll be relying on my dp to make sure she has everything and gets to school on time. DW couldn't even find the jam for their toast this morning.(it was where it usually is for past 15 years but a different brand although we don't always have same brand!) . She won't send her in with the right things
I've tried so hard to step back and cut the apron strings for them both..but even when I have they usually call me (I don't always answer either!). Its nice to be needed but I'm really over it.

@Daftasabroom spot on!

@Pigeontown would you be able to go for full custody? There is no way I could have trusted H with 50/50 and thankfully he has enough self awareness to realise that and isn't fighting me on it.

I wouldn't go for full custody. They love her so much and she can look.after them. Its just the mental load. She can't cope with that. I'm not sure she'd even know how to run a separate house. She lived in a dingy houseshare when we met and stored her clothes on the floor (i should have ran then.. she was 32... we are now nearly 50!) I am exceptionally good at organising (,due to my autistic hands off DM). The kids would hate not seeing her. Its not that clear cut. I also need a break tbh! I guess she'll have to sink or swim!

I see, yes it's never clear cut is it. (My H also stored his clothes on the floor when we met, we all should've heeded those red flags!)

You do definitely need to get a break. It's so easy to forget looking after yourself when you're carrying everyone else.