Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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Thank you @RobinsReliant your words do mean so much to me and are giving me clarity.

My family and friends have heard 'me and H are splitting up' before and I've never followed through, so I think they'll all be thinking I'll change my mind again. None of them seem to be really understanding how difficult this is. It's hard for people on the outside, there's been no outright deceit (e.g gambling, crimes etc), there's no affair or cheating (not physically anyway) so I feel like I need some kind of justification and I don't have it. They all support me, but half heartedly, and it's so very hard to get through to them what I've been through. They all see how I've changed over the years, but I think because I have kept my friendships away from H they haven't really seen any true insight into our day to day relationship.

I do think I need to grieve this for a long time. He's been a huge part of my life. I was 23 when we met and am now 38, so it's such a big chunk of my life walking out of the door. I think I've actually been partially grieving a long time, but not properly. And certainly I've been making plans to separate for a very long time. I didn't actually expect it to happen as and when it did, I feel like I've wasted so much time and that saddens me but it's definitely a positive thing in the long run. I'm not sure I'm even being honest with myself how I'm feeling as I've squashed my feelings down for so many years.

While he's still in the home it's hard to reconcile the 2 images I have of him in my mind. I know that what I love/loved is the vision of himself he portrayed to me, the witty, successful, loving and strong man he acted for our early relationship. Then the other image I have is of him in the past few years, basically useless as a father, sneaking around on his game ignoring us, being untrustworthy and lazy, using his MH and anger, silences and moods to control me. When he asks me out or offers a massage now it's bizarre to me. Why now? Why now when he's going in less than a week? Why not do these nice things way back when I was practically begging him for some time and attention? Does he get a kick out of it? I have no idea and it makes no sense to me. I then start to wonder why I'm throwing it all away as he seems so loving and kind, in this mode we can laugh and banter all day. Then it'll suddenly shut down and he's slipping away. And I think, oh if I just said X, just did Y, he would have stayed in 'happy' mode.

But that just consolidates, amongst other moments, where I know this is the right decision. Nobody should live with question marks hanging over their actions and words. Like last week I asked if he would like to see the kids for a day over their half term and he completely flipped at me. It was just a normal question, I thought I was being generous offering him extra time. He did not see it like that. Yelling at me about my 'pathetic attitude', asking if I was unhinged because I thought a working parent could just take a day off. (Erm yes, most working parents do, and especially if he's only seeing his kids EOW.) I found myself shaking, feeling sick, and sort of floated out of my body and watched the scene of him ranting and being so cold like I was an onlooker. And then that scary, moody guy stomps off, doesn't speak to me for a day or so, then when he deigns to acknowledge me, the cold mood vanished and he's suggesting the cinema... and he's asking me tonight if I want to go to his works Xmas do 🤷🏻‍♀️ because we are going to be 'best friends'.

I do truly hope once he's moved I can start to piece myself back together. My fear is that so much damage is done I'll never feel fully myself ever again. I will definitely find it hard to ever trust any man ever again but I still have a little hope the love I'm sure I deserve is out there.

@AspergersWife

Firstly you are 38. And yes you have been with him 15 years but you have time on your side. You may not feel like it because you are exhausted and worn down but 15 years is at least long enough to say you tried and not too long to have wasted your life. You have to wait until you are ready. And up until now, for whatever reason, you weren’t ready. And that’s ok.

My DH also does things like suggest holidays, trips out, events when things are at breaking (broken) point. I always think it’s his way of saying ‘Look at me, I’m suggesting a holiday for us, I am doing all the right things (so I’m not to blame for this relationship breakdown)’. The fact he has not suggested a holiday or trip out in YEARS becomes irrelevant in his eyes as he has suggested it now! I also get the ‘but we would be best friends if we split up’ routine which shows a lack of awareness. We have been THEIR best friend. They haven’t been OURS! That’s the bit my H fails to understand. He cannot stand in my shoes. If he treated a best friend in the way he treats me they wouldn’t be a best friend for long… The talk of best friends in any case shows a lack of maturity. It’s school playground talk.

The explosion in response to an ordinary question is something I can relate to. If it is seen as pressure then that’s the response I can expect. It’s demand avoidance. My H becomes very angry in response to anything he perceives as a demand. He thinks it’s unfair and feels as though I am expecting him to do more than I do. He immediately goes into competition mode. He has no idea what I do on a daily basis to support the relationship but keeps a mental log of the things he does. An innocent suggestion from me such as ‘Please could you book the tickets you were talking about as once that is done I can book child care’ will result in an outburst of epic proportions about how I put him under pressure and make him responsible for everything. No, it was merely reminding him to do something he had talked about so I could then do my bit towards it. For him that’s too much responsibility though. He sees it as pressure. I see it as normal life and being an adult.

Things will start to evolve once he’s gone. Yes you will grieve and it’s unlikely to feel any better for a while but you will adapt to it and I can pretty much guarantee that a year from now things will feel different. You will need to create clear boundaries around contact in order to ‘contain’ him and not allow him to disturb your peace. Have you thought about how you will do this. Can you keep him out of your house for example? Reduce contact to about the children only and only once a week (planned day and time) or in emergencies? He is going to be on a mission to prove that he is actually a super partner and super parent so be watchful of those signs. If he hasn’t consistently done it for the 15 years you have been together he is unlikely to sustain it now.

Just look after yourself. Direct your energy to yourself. Build a network for yourself. You will gradually build yourself up to a stronger place.

The explosion in response to an ordinary question is something I can relate to. If it is seen as pressure then that’s the response I can expect. It’s demand avoidance. My H becomes very angry in response to anything he perceives as a demand. He thinks it’s unfair and feels as though I am expecting him to do more than I do. He immediately goes into competition mode. He has no idea what I do on a daily basis to support the relationship but keeps a mental log of the things he does. An innocent suggestion from me such as ‘Please could you book the tickets you were talking about as once that is done I can book child care’ will result in an outburst of epic proportions about how I put him under pressure and make him responsible for everything. No, it was merely reminding him to do something he had talked about so I could then do my bit towards it. For him that’s too much responsibility though. He sees it as pressure. I see it as normal life and being an adult.
//\ this. Totally this.

I look at this thread occasionally. From my own experience, I am sorry to say, I think all of this grinds you down, makes you feel a low level anger, hopelessness and repression even. They don’t ‘mean to’ have this effect exactly but I think that’s what happens.

Aspergerswife, 38 is young from where I’m standing. The next two decades could be v interesting, especially if you are ‘free’. After about a year or so on your own (I bet) you will feel like a completely different person. All the energy wasted and going into ‘outa space’ will come back to you.

Your DH will probably also feel better living his life without any “demands” . One day perhaps you could even enjoy a coffee with him - as of course this is ‘no demands’, and as long as not too long …

Good luck 🍀

@RobinsReliant the 'best friends' thing winds me up. I've always said in response to that 'if a friend treated me the way you do, I would not be friends with them' but H cannot grasp that. He probably does think we are best mates. A few weeks ago he was saying he can't imagine chatting to anyone the way he chats to me. Then when the stuff about the online woman came up this weekend, apparently he can chat to her about anything and can really be himself and relax. As opposed to relaxing with the wife of 10 years 🙄 He has also frequently said once he moves out he hopes he'll be an even better emotional support to me (ha!) and that he'll be on hand to empty the bins 'for me' or whatever, totally missing the fact that this is his one household job and it's not a fucking favour 'for me' and he hasn't done it regularly or properly in many, many years. I suspect this is what you say, he'll try to be around and mess with the boundaries.

The plan is he will have the kids overnight every other weekend, but he said if they want to see him e.g for tea after school or I have no plans on my weekends then he'll be happy to see them and be flexible. I have a feeling he genuinely believes this, but if it's 5pm he'll cite work comes first, or if it's 11am and they're dying to see him, he'll be asleep ignoring his phone. And if it's a weekend his football team are playing he certainly won't drop everything to see the kids as his team will be a priority. That's how it's always been so I know not to expect more. So I think he thinks he'll be flexible and see them all the time, but I know the reality will be they'll be out of sight out of mind until his weekend with them. He told his sister that I will likely be ringing him every weekend (as if I'm the one who can't cope with the kids!) to take the DC so I'm pretty determined not to unless it's an emergency or the DC really do desperately want to see him.

Thank you @TalanaTey, you've reminded me that 38 being old/young is all about perspective! To me I am past it, I feel ancient and worn out after these last few years. I've lost my old confidence, plus a lot of my sanity and sense of self, and do feel very used up and like I've wasted my time creating a family with essentially a fake persona. I know realistically though I have many years ahead to create a new life of whatever design I choose and it's one step at a time. I'm in turns excited for the future and also reluctant to step into it because it's so different to what I've known and what I've become.

38 is definitely young! It’s the situation that has worn you down and drained you. Give yourself some time and you will feel differently.

Emptying the bins made me laugh. Like that’s a favour. He actually needs to stay away from you. I was very clear with my H last time we had a conversation about it that if we split up I don’t want to see him again. I don’t want him knowing anything about what I’m doing at all. He struggled with that. He thought we would be friends and had this romantic idea that we would still see each other and go away for weekends on our bikes. Unbelievable. A counsellor once told me that she believed people with ASD did not do that well on their own. They think they will be better off but actually they become incredibly isolated. Your H will miss your companionship for sure. He needs to miss it because he has taken your support over the years for granted.

Be clear about your boundaries. Don’t let him cross them. It’s painful but it’s the way to protect yourself moving forwards and it’s an opportunity to create space for yourself, new interests and new people.

Ahhhh, the emptying the bins saga, that often lasted 3 days in my house!

38 is so young, really, it is! I wonder if late 30s is often a time of appraisal, when people feel they can’t go on in the ‘old’ way (whatever that was).

Anyway I think you are just ground down by too many responsibilities and especially too many responsibilities for people who make your life miserable even when you’re killing yourself ‘helping’ them. The approach “you deal with your stuff, I’ll deal with mine” is the way to go.

My dp downloaded an app this morning that tracks all your spending etc. She did this at 7am and then proceeded to question me about various direct debits while I tried to get myself and kids ready. This is because she needs to do a finances document for mediation and she has no idea as never showed the slightest interest. I've been struggling for years to explain 'mental load'. I was like yes that direct debit is with the vet. Weve had it for 5 years it pays for cats annual vaccination. And I've booked to take the cat in 2 weeks. Totally clueless. Didn't even know cats had injections. But if I dare to mention ive too much to do or stressed I get a list reeled back at me.. she literally cannot understand the depth of it all.
Its just so exhausting! Its almost less exhausting to carry on doing everything as the explaining is sooo hard.. I really do worry how she'll cope when we split. I have to care as the kids will be there! She bought a desk and chair 2nd hand this week after working from home and needing one for 18mnths. And she's going back to office soon

I’ve recently had surgery and I’d say my H (with ASD) is actually angry with me. Not once during my recovery has he asked if I need anything. Not once has he made me a drink or something to eat. All he has done is complain about the impact on him. I am sure he wouldn’t treat a friend or colleague like this (in fact when a friend had surgery recently he was full of ‘I wonder what I can do to help’ even though this person has family around them and was very well cared for by all of them. When it is me, it’s like he hates me for it. I wouldn’t mind if I was ill a lot but I’m rarely sick and rarely need support.

It’s times like this you realise you can’t rely on your partner and you are on your own when things get tough.

I am also 38 and at breaking point. Been with my partner now for eighteen years. He is undiagnosed and refuses to be but he 100% has Aspergers. I always wondered why he was different and was the way he was then last year when reading about Aspergers it was like a light bulb moment for me. He’s socially awkward and throws himself in to work (he’s self employed) so as to avoid anything social. He’s only really comfortable with his mum, dad and two brothers. We have two children together and even they’ve picked up on how different he is compared to their friends fathers. He’s always miserable (he moans over everything). If you find something hilarious he just looks at you with his miserable face and calls you an idiot. He can’t take a joke at all. He can’t look anyone in the eye and switches off after more than a couple of miniutes of conversation. He fixates on things. He only likes sport (football in particular) so doesn’t watch anything on tv unless it’s football or something to do with sport. He doesn’t watch films, hates animals (myself and the children love animals) but can’t have any as he hates them. If we go out for food the second he’s finished the last mouthful he’s ready to go. He won’t sit and relax in the pub/restaurant afterwards. He literally leaves as soon as myself or the children have finished eating. As he’s always in a mood he can cold shoulder you for days even though you know you’ve not said or done anything wrong to upset him. He plays chess on his phone for hours without speaking. He sulks when he doesn’t get his own way over something. I know i’m not painting a very good picture of him but this is how it is. When in the car he won’t have any music on, he says it gives him a headache (even on low) and he’d sooner sit and drive in silence which makes the rest of us (myself and the children uncomfortable). I don’t want to be with him and haven’t for so long but i’m finacially dependant on him as even though I work, he pays the majority of the bills. I couldn’t afford to do it alone. I also love his family and am very close to them and would miss that side of things. We all still have a great time even though he’s there but not engaging in much and having a laugh like we all do. I don’t know what to do.

I honestly feel for you both. Sounds completely familiar

Just been told I'm being unsupportive and its all about me.

@Pigeontown I totally get the exhaustion and the fact that if you dare say you are feeling overwhelmed, you get a list of things they do. I try very hard not to criticise but put it in words such as ‘When we do X I feel quite overwhelmed with the responsibility of organising everything’. He immediately interprets that as an attack. There’s no way I can raise anything without it being seen as criticism. He doesn’t get the real world whether that is booking vaccinations, sorting out child care or even booking a hotel in advance. He seems to think we can do it a few days before and it will all work out. I guess he just can’t deal with thinking ahead, planning, sorting things out when it involves other people or pets. Totally self-absorbed.

I do feel for you.

@Aspiewife I couldn’t be with someone who hates animals. That in itself must be really difficult. It sounds as though your H really sucks any enjoyment out of life which must be awful. It’s like they cannot deal with anyone else’s needs bar their own. I’m sorry you are in this situation but all you can do is keep taking the positives of family life and try not to let him impact on it. Horrible for your children though.

Sounds familiar @RobinsReliant I hope you are recovering well despite lack of help. H either pretends to be more ill than I am like it's a competition, or else manages about an hour of 'looking after' me I.e. brings me a cup of tea, but no sympathy for me, and that's it. Like it's our fault we are not infallible so get punished. I've been full of a cold the past week which turned into painful sinusitis, but still done everything as normal. On top of the usual day to day with 2 dc, i am also in the middle of folding my business, attending job centre for my UC claim, attending school for DS autism team meeting, online parents evenings, and attended a job interview. H managed a couple of hours at work and is then lying useless in bed with a sad little sniffle now and again, expecting to be waited on. I don't even get asked 'how are you feeling?'

Some good news - H is finally packing. But only because I made the effort to find his suitcase and put it into his bedroom 🙄🙄

@Aspiewife are you me?!

I have remained close to my sis in law through all this, so it might not have too much of an impact with the in-laws if you did split up. I thought I would lose all my connections to H's family but as it turns out they are incredibly supportive of me and want to continue being around the DC as much as possible.

@AspergersWife I think he’d be spiteful and tell them not to have anything to do with me, just the children.

Having to spell EVERYTHING out is so exhausting but impossible to explain to others. My DW will help me etc and does bring tea or whatever if I'm ill... BUT only if I ask and also specify what and when. I've had 2 unprompted cups of tea in bed/lie ins in 18 years. If she tries to anticipate things she gets it quite wrong. Apparently I'm impossible to please. But I now realise it's a theory of mind thing for her. It is usual if you've been with someone for nearly 20 years to understand their likes and dislikes but she doesn't. However saying that at the moment DW doesn't really have any hobbies except work and I'm struggling to think of any of her likes except obsessing over various things to do with work.

@RobinsReliant yes it’s awful as I grew up with animals and absolutely love them. He won’t entertain having one. I take my friends dog out sometimes and when he calls me and asks what i’m doing and I tell him he makes an issue saying the cars going to smell now of dog and there will be fur all over the seat. Then he’ll go on and on about it later on when we’re both back home. He absolutely saps the life out of me.

@Pigeontown s

Same here, he’ll go in to the kitchen to make himself a drink but wouldn’t dream of making me one or even asking me if i’d like one. He doesn’t buy me gifts ever either only on my birthday and christmas.

@Aspiewife

Only a professional can diagnose Asperger’s syndrome amd it is not straightforward to diagnose at all. and none of the “traits” you list are specific to autism - they are specific to horrible abusive people.

And I love animals - mostly more than humans - as animals tend to be kinder than most humans. Many autistic people share this view (but not all of course). So it is incredibly unfair to try to position that as an autistic trait.

Leave the dick - he sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Yes @Pigeontown I can relate to that, after 15 years with H he still acts like I'm mysterious and tricky to please. He would rather provide money or material gifts than just give me a hug or talk to me, even though he knows 100% which I would genuinely prefer. But it's all about what's easy for him, not what I would like or need. Over the years it's become very hollow and transactional. So when I think about H leaving I feel so sad, but I know what I'm missing is the fantasy version of the husband I thought I was living with, and not the real person he's turned out to be.

When married friends with kids talk about sharing weekend lie-ins it always sounded so foreign to me. Since our youngest was born the only lie in I've had is if I've been away (rarely) or I think 2 occasions when I was seriously ill with flu. On both those times I've had to actually ring H's phone from my bed as we slept separately for years, and he was so sound asleep he couldn't hear the kids crying/shouting and I couldn't physically move. This is one of my worries about the kids having overnights with him - he just literally will not wake up, even if they shout and climb all over him.

@Aspiewife it sounds hard, but you may find that his relatives see more of his behaviours than you know and can make their own judgements about you. When I finally opened up a bit to my sis in law, she told me H's family had found him difficult for a long time.

@MTNT who said not liking animals was an autistic trait? I was just giving a list of examples of what he’s like in general. The reasons I know he has Aspergers are his social awkwardness, lack of eye contact, can’t take a joke and takes everything literal, hates change and everything is black or white with him, he also “seems” to lack empathy.

@AspergersWife yes same here as well with the family finding him difficult for a long time but it’s not really spoken about much, I think they just try to brush it under the carpet.

Only a professional can diagnose autism

Autistic people Lacking empathy is a cruel myth that is perpetuated which does the autistic community so much harm. Please stop repeating untruths - the lack of empathy YOU are displaying to autistic people by self-diagnosing and repeating untrue stereotypes is rather ironic.

He’s a prick, so leave him.

@MTNT I said “seems” to lack empathy, I didn’t say he DID lack empathy so read it properly before you jump on the bandwagon looking for an argument.

But when you referred to an apparent lack of empathy, it was when you were providing me a list of why you thought he was “100% autistic”
Ie lack of empathy (or an apparent lack of empathy) was one of your Asperger tick boxes.

(And I’m not really sure how I’m jumping on a bandwagon - I’m on a unicycle of solitude on this thread)