Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

New thread

So glad I've found this...5 years ago my husband ( no diagnosis but definitely aspergic) said let's meet other people but stay together because we're not having much sex. I said I'd prefer to split up as it didn't seem very honest. We muddled along but then a fee months ago he said things aren't really working. Does he want me to make the decision for him? We have very separate lives. He has friends from 30 years ago but very rarely goes out. He has also piped up that he wants to move out of the city we live in. No discussion, just announcement. I said I am happy where we are, but maybe we can split our time as we still have school age children. I have lost sight of what a normal relationship is, but this isn't it!

@Veryconfused2021 I read your post earlier and wanted to reply as soon as I had a spare minute as I understood every word.

My DH has a preoccupation with status so he is keen to gravitate to those he considers important in some way. He does the same with attractiveness. It clearly makes him feel good about himself if he is ‘seen’ to be talking to people who others consider important or attractive. This is about low self esteem except to hear him talk you wouldn’t necessarily know it. He lacks authenticity. He simply can’t be himself.

@stilllovegeorge I’m sure I wouldn’t recognise a normal relationship any more either.

My DH gets whims about where he wants to live. Never does anything about it. I’m not uprooting and moving for someone who basically isn’t happy in their own skin.

[quote RobinsReliant]@stilllovegeorge I’m sure I wouldn’t recognise a normal relationship any more either.

My DH gets whims about where he wants to live. Never does anything about it. I’m not uprooting and moving for someone who basically isn’t happy in their own skin.[/quote]
Thank you. Sometimes I question my own sanity. Do worry that the kids will have no idea what a normal relationship is though.

@RobinsReliant Thank you so much. I deleted my message as I'm not used to posting online and got worried that people from the group I attend would recognise his description. I was probably being overly paranoid...

It's great to hear it confirmed, about it being about self esteem rather than flirting. But it can really mess with the women he's doing it to, especially in that environment where there's some lonely people looking for meaning/a purpose. He's probably oblivious to it or proud to have them running round doing work for him. He lacks authenticity too and doesn't ever seem to have his own opinion, he just repeats what those in authority say.

Thanks again for taking the time to answer.

V

@Veryconfused2021 I understand.

The flirting you describe is very much, in my DH’s case, about him wanting to have power and control over another person. At times when he has felt powerless or ineffectual it appears to have brought him some sense of power that he can get people to like him or do things for him. He targets people who he feels are somehow ‘weaker’ than him as it makes him feel better about himself.

It’s actually all about him and not the other person but they don’t know that.

Good luck to you. Steer well clear.

@stilllovegeorge Stick to what you know is right for you. Your values are paramount here but it’s easy to lose sight of your own values in these situations…

A little update from me - our separation is definitely going ahead! I engaged a solicitor a couple of weeks ago to get a legal agreement in place. Applied for UC. He's agreed a more realistic maintenance amount than the pittance CMS calculator told me he was legally obligated to pay. It's going to be tight but hopefully at some point I'll be able to find a job that works around school hours. My son will not cope with before and after school clubs 5 days a week, so full time is not an option for me til he's older. I need a magical term time only job between 10-2 and so far they are proving elusive!

Getting all our joint account stuff and utilities etc sorted. H has put an offer on a house not too far away and though he keeps coming up with excuses to withdraw as he has done on a previous house, I've pointed out that the kids need somewhere stable for overnights as he can't mess about taking them to his father's all the time. Until his house goes through he's apparently going to stay at his office on a sofa bed and have the kids overnight at his dad's place. So I think he'll see this one through as there's not much else around here.

We told the kids yesterday so it's official now. No more backtracking from H now! I had sleepless nights all last week dreading telling the children. Their response was so underwhelming by comparison to what I imagined. Bear in mind my DD (just turned 5 and confidence knocked out of her with lockdowns) sometimes cries when I'm just leaving her at school and yesterday cried when DH took her to football because she misses me. So I was expecting full on meltdown hysteria from her. She just said matter of factly 'but I'll miss Daddy.' Then changed the subject 😂 DS who is also HFA said 'oh ok that's fine for me' and continued playing. I asked if they had any questions but all they wanted to know is what dad's new house would look like. I'm hoping they'll continue to be fine with it. Either they are so used to him being absent it's not a big deal, or else it's just too abstract while he's still living here.

A few more weeks to go then H will be moving! I actually can't wait, it'll be like a gloomy rain cloud finally moving from in front of the sun. Last week he was all sweet and lovely, asking me out to the cinema (wtf) and offering me back massages (even more wtf) but he's started withdrawing and getting colder since Friday. Normally I'd be so upset, as I hate the hot/cold patterns, but now it's like it doesn't touch me at all.

Good luck to you all, I hope everyone is doing ok.

@AspergersWife
Great update, well done you. Sounds like you’ve done a good job with the children.
Good luck, please keep us updated if you want to 🍷🎉🍾

I'm just joining & reading backwards & taking it all in. I recognise a lot of stuff on here. My DP was diagnosed earlier this year, at age 47. We have a 3 year old. This morning he said he's leaving the relationship & moving out. But that we're going to just live in this house in the meantime and he's still merrily making plans for things we're supposed to be doing next week. It's a headfuck. I do wonder if it will ever happen. So many issues. He is only a father or domestic partner when he feels like it or when I ask and ask until I am blue in the face for him to do something really simple, such as shopping, or taking DC to playground for a few hours please for the love of god.

He's incapable of listening to me without interrupting & won't take anything I say on the chin. He will interrupt & instead tell me how I'm feeling (wrongly ) "Oh it's because you're tired/stressed out about work/menopausal" anything other than listening to what I am actually saying and absorbing it. Defensive & gaslighting all the time. Wouldn't come to open day at the infant school we want to send our DC to for example, he doesn't need to be involved in her education in any way, apparently. Was supposed to come to a children's birthday party with DC & me the same day, but apparently couldn't be bothered to do that either as he "needed to focus on himself." etc. Wouldn't listen to me when I was upset. Told me tonight in fact he wouldn't be listening to me any more and that I had mental health issues I needed to get sorted out & nothing was anything to do with him.

Argues with me & verbally abuses me in front of DC. Long history of this.

I'm over it. We probably should split up. He makes me tense and unhappy and enraged and unheard. But am dreading it all really. Also I won't believe he is actually moving out until he does something practical about it.

Looking at these threads some of this seems depressingly common.

@AspergersWife That’s good news. It’s bound to be challenging at times but that’s all part of moving forwards. I wish you all the very best for the next chapter. Don’t look back!

@mowly77 Depressingly common indeed. I never know what my DH is trying to achieve when he talks about leaving ‘I need to be in a place that understands me’ he says… WTF does that mean? Why is somewhere else going to be so much better than where he is right now? It’s all introspective bollocks where he has spent way too much time being philosophical and not practical. If he actually did things that were practical he wouldn’t have time to feel miserable about his life.

Nothing is ever to do with my DH. Nothing. He cannot see that things he does impacts on how things turn out in the end. Mind boggling.

@RobinsReliant so true. So sorry you experience this too. Thank you for replying and I feel less alone because there is so much gaslighting I am starting to feel I am going mad. Nothing is ever DP’s fault, there’s an excuse for literally everything under the sun. From the huge things like how his behaviour impacts my feelings to breaking/losing something - If he breaks my stuff for example it’s because I’ve put it in the ‘wrong place’. Which is on an inaccessible shelf to my 3 year old who I do expect to break things …

I would be really interested to hear how much is just him being an arsehole & how much these traits are related to aspergers. Since the diagnosis he hides behind it & uses it as an excuse for behaviour or not doing stuff, but I don’t know what to think as have no previous experience of it.

I don’t know what other posters’ experience is but I’m starting to think we should split up, and now, before it gets too toxic for my child. She’s young enough she should be adaptable to the split I hope. And I can’t bear her to hear me being verbally abused anymore or us fighting when she’s around. Although I try hard not to rise to his bait when she’s around I am not always successful and feel bad about that. I don’t want her to grow up with a toxic relationship as a role model.

I do empathise @mowly77 . My DH struggles to take any responsibility for things that happen. I guess to him taking responsibility means he has ‘failed’ or is in some way inadequate which he cannot cope with. I don’t know whether it is autism, narcissism or just a personality trait but it does feel as though many other posters experience this too.

I have said in a previous post that DH can’t accept he doesn’t always have control and that people may respond to things he does in a way he can’t imagine. So for example if he threatens to leave (as some form of control) he would be in disbelief if I then packed my bags and walked out. In his head he imagines that he will be the one to be in control and leaving, not me.

My DH must be constantly confused by people’s behaviour because they must rarely do what he expects them to do in his head.

It’s not you @mowly77. You don’t have to accept abuse and your daughter’s welfare comes first. It’s no way to live is it?

A lot of that makes sense @RobinsReliant … yep it’s no way to live. We’re going to counselling soon so we’ll see what comes of that. Ironically he is doing a course in becoming a counsellor & every week he is v excited because it is going so well. He clearly finds it easier to listen to strangers & empathise with them. I guess we all might do to some extent but

Hello
Been lurking here on and off.
My DW (I'm female). Got diagnosed 3 years ago. Also adhd 12 months ago. Since adhd meds has been a lot more ASC in behaviours.
We have 1 ASC DC and I also have a DM with self diagnosed ASC. So to be honest the behaviours have always been there with her but I realise that my childhood was a bit lacking in emotional support so I've not really expected it and didn't notice what I was missing. Its so lonely even though we are here together. Weve been together 17 years and 2 dc. But I just can't take the lack of enthusiasm for anything, the rigid thinking and the need for me to keep everything going. She will do lots of chores but no mental load at all. Things that are delegated are forgotten. I get told off for bossing around and told off for not giving instructions. She has no understanding of the amount I do. If I complain I get given lists of things she's done (all chores that she's obsessed with such as clean worktops dishwasher bins). Her anxiety makes us late everywhere as she always has to go back inside to toilet one last time. She does everything slowly. Always has low level illnesses. Some are imaginary and also some paranoia.
We are supposed to be separating but still living together as she can't really face it to be honest. I can't afford to just move out. I don't hate her. Its just life is so exhausting and draining. And weve slept in separate rooms for 2 years as she snores and tosses and turns. And no intimacy. We really do need to separate but I've genuinely lost all perspective on what normal looks like. Please can someone tell me! If I stay then mine and the kids lives will be a lot more comfortable. She is not a bad person but no fun at all. Will life be better? The kids don't want to split and leave this house. They've had a very unsettled time due to my dc schooling and another move.
Every ASC behaviour is now so grating on my nerves. (I also do a lot of ASC things with our DC so its my whole life! Child is actually a lot easier. But has been hard in past. She doesn't cope and has done none of the advocating).
She does of course have a high level well paid senior job that consumes her whole being. But her colleagues don't really like her and she's not seen any of them since Feb 2020 due to covid and not made effort to meet up since. So she's here all of the time!
Help please tell me I'm not a selfish cow because that's what she thinks and I wonder am I being so unsupportive.
To add context its more confusing because my dm is so distant and rubbish too.

Oh forgot to say...anything I say is me attacking and anything that is done wrong there is a list of excuses. E.g did you give dc their medication?' Because even though they have it everyday she wouldn't remember. And I get 'no i thought you had' even if i had literally just woken up so of course hadn't. So never...oh no i will do now... just straight to 'you didn't tell me to so I didn't'. Yet I get complaints that I'm too bossy.... can't win!

@Pigeontown I know it's not much help but I could have written your post.

[quote Daftasabroom]@Pigeontown I know it's not much help but I could have written your post.[/quote]
Thank you. It is a help.

I feel so sad partly because my dw deserves a nice family as her own are awful (lots of MH and disorders and some ASC) and my I feel sad my DC may never have a loving partner because they will be annoying too. There must be some wives/husbands that are ok. (I know quite a few autistic adults not all diagnosed and none seem that happy.

@Pigeontown

Oh forgot to say...anything I say is me attacking and anything that is done wrong there is a list of excuses. E.g did you give dc their medication?' Because even though they have it everyday she wouldn't remember. And I get 'no i thought you had' even if i had literally just woken up so of course hadn't. So never...oh no i will do now... just straight to 'you didn't tell me to so I didn't'. Yet I get complaints that I'm too bossy.... can't win!

Yes yes! I could have written that word for word. It’s the fact that my DH doesn’t say ‘Oh sorry, I’ll do it now’ that gets me. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are. I could be ill, asleep, out, whatever. There is no move to do it at all.

DW gave DS all our dishwasher tablets to take to uni. DW went shopping yesterday and forgot to buy dishwasher tablets, I went shopping today and forgot the dishwasher tablets. However I am to blame for us now running out.

I hear you. There really is no way to get over it. When this kind of thing starts to grate I don't see how you can come back from it. I've had a rubbish day entertaining ungrateful relatives which is a different story. She knows I have had a bad day and even said so. But she still then needed to give me 10 minutes on how rubbish her day had been too and has now had a moan about some chores. Where as another partner might perhaps give a hug and have a little laugh or make a cuppa. I just think can't you even skip one day where you don't offload your brain onto me so you can process the information. My DM is the same and I literally can't take anymore.. arghhhhh. I need my energy for the kids!

@RobinsReliant
Yes its the lack of flexible thinking. But they can't see it.

How is everyone doing? Only 1 week until H moves out, it's been such a long time coming but still doesn't feel real.

All week he's been acting so loving, offering me massages, asking me out for meals and films (wtf again) but yet made no attempt to pack his shit. I'm fairly sure he's expecting I'll just do it for him!

Today I had to use his phone for texting myself something, and lo and behold the online woman (who he banned himself from gaming with a while ago) showed up as a 'frequent contact' when I went to put my own number in. I was like 'seriously, you couldn't have waited one more week? Very disrespectful'. He instantly showed me the messages, apparently he gave her his number on a gaming app and she texted him on Monday, but obvs there'll be tonnes of messages on the other app which he didn't offer to show me.

Actually there was nothing particularly flirty except for a comment about him 'polishing his helmet ready for action'. In context, he had asked 'you up for plunder tonight?' Plunder is something on the game, so I can appreciate this is just a bit of banter. It's unusual for H though, he doesn't do sexy/flirty/sexual banter and is usually a bit clueless, he really needs things spelling out. And she'd instigated it by replying 'more like do I want to get plundered tonight haha' to which he'd replied about the helmet 🤮 He says that was just a bit of stupid banter.

However what stood out more is there was a comment from H saying he wants to give her a big hug as she was down about something. Now for most people this isn't a big deal, and anywhere else on Mumsnet I'd likely get flamed for being jealous/paranoid etc, but I'm sure on this thread some of you can understand why a hug from a man with sensory issues and Aspergers is a huge deal. I know for H with his personality and asd traits it definitely is. He doesn't talk to anyone, only a few gamer or football mates, he doesn't have any female friends or even female colleagues whatsoever, doesn't even hug any of his family not even our little nieces and nephews - basically I am the only woman he hugs and I guess his very first gf before me. So I feel I was very much justified in my suspicions from when he got 'mentionititus' about the OW all those months ago. She wasn't the cause of our problems at all, the gaming addiction was there long before, but I think she added a new level of excitement to the game and she definitely became a new obsession for him.

We have talked about it this afternoon and he says he is being open because he owes me that at the very least. He is still saying he only has friendship feelings for her. I did say I wouldn't be surprised if it developed into something more but he claims that isn't his intention. It's obvious though, he spent most of lockdown directing his energy and attention elsewhere instead of me and our lives together, so it was only a matter of time something else would come along to take his attention. I never actually expected it to be another woman or for the gaming to go this far.

But just yesterday he was telling me he still loves me, but isn't 'in love' with me and i explained in my opinion it was normal for the crazy honeymoon feeling to settle down, and it calms into contentment. He's always searching for the next best thing, house, car, whatever - these deluded versions of his grand plans. I think she came along as almost like his perfect dream woman - she games 24/7 like him, isn't physically demanding of him in terms of sex/affection which he can't cope with, no date nights required as she's about an hour away from our location, she doesn't have to moan at him to do basic jobs and get off his arse to parent his children. I think actually when he's talked about in love vs love, he's comparing how he feels about her, that excitement of something shiny and new, to how our relationship has levelled out over the years.

It doesn't actually matter, as my love for him has been slowly crushed over the years preceding covid, but it is kind of like more validation to me that the separation was the right decision. I do think though the gaming may have been much less appealing to him without her. The irony is she's apparently miserable in her marriage as her husband games 24/7 😂 and according to H she is 'devastated' that me and H are splitting partially because of her. I replied 'neither of you were devastated enough to put a stop to it though were you?' Whether she likes H or not is irrelevant, H clearly feels some kind of strong connection to her so is either lying to me or lying to himself, or in very deep denial. I do believe in platonic friendships between men and women but this is just classic isn't? Plus that's not how H works. He forgets how well I know him. To never have a female friend in his entire life to suddenly spending 12-24 hours a day gaming and chatting with one always spelled trouble to me.

I knew he was off to play online with her last night. His final weekend with the DC and he slept all morning, went out to watch footy all afternoon, then the moment our DC had got their pjs on he barely said goodnight to them and leapt up and basically zoomed out of the house to his office where he now keeps his PS4. He never acts like that when his male friends are online, so I knew right away she had somehow been in touch. Then this morning what I suspected was true, when he showed the texts yes sure enough she'd messaged him last night to come online. It's infuriating he still can't be truthful even at this stage, but at least I know I wasn't crazy, paranoid, etc etc all those things gaslighting men like to say. I don't know if he genuinely doesn't see it, or if he just finds it more palatable to lie. I also wonder if he's not admitting anything so as our eventual divorce won't be swayed in my favour.

Anyway that was a very long rambling update, if anyone got that far I appreciate it! It's strange as I can't wait for him to out from under my feet, but also sad that the life we planned is over now, and also hurt that he's possibly already lining up a replacement for me and basically getting everything his way. He says he will miss us, but he won't. He'll miss me being a servant, and he only interacts with the kids for a couple of hours at weekends anyway so doubt he'll miss them much.

I'm angry I've wasted the last few years of my life caring for him, supporting with all his MH issues, getting nothing in return and now he walks away and can start again if he wants. I'm a shadow of myself. He's now having a nice bachelor pad, getting himself in shape, playing football twice a week, at the gym, gaming all night with whoever takes his fancy, only commitment is his kids once a fortnight. And meanwhile I'm pretty stuck, having to claim Universal Credit, struggling with our ASD DS alone, fat and unfit and probably verging on depression after these last couple of lockdown years with H! In some ways I feel so light and free thinking about him being gone, then in other moments I feel so broken and worthless by how he's forced me to bend around him for so long and get nothing but abusive rants or cold silences. It's very hard right now and everyone around me is just acting like it's all fine that my entire work is upside down.

@AspergersWife Only natural for you to feel angry at all this. I really do sympathise. I think it will take a while until you can confidently say that all of this just compounds his shitty behaviour, his lack of empathy and his lack of boundaries. Empathy and boundaries have got to be the fundamentals of any relationship. Empathy stops us from treating our partners with a lack of respect. Boundaries stop us from developing friendships outside of the marriage which have the potential to do harm.

You are bound to be hurt, angry and resentful. Those feelings may continue for a while as we grieve for the loss of a significant other even if that significant other was damaging us. It’s change and it takes time to adapt to a new way of being.

You know he’s not a catch. The behaviours you have experienced will be behaviours any future partner will experience. Of course he can mask it for a while but he can’t mask it forever and will always revert to type.

I’m not sure my H knows what the truth is. He makes up a different version of the truth…his own version which means that his behaviour is always justified. It’s how he copes.

The friendship he has formed probably makes him feel a tiny bit better about himself but actually, she doesn’t really know him so it’s based on nothing at all. He can be what he wants to be with her in the non real world. He can’t sustain it though. My H did this once and on questioning did recognise that the woman concerned was I purely a distraction which helped him feel as though he was a ‘good guy’ at a time when all evidence pointed to the contrary. He was in a boat in a storm and any harbour would have done however unsuitable.

My H also compares the excitement of new friendships with an enduring relationship. He can’t see that of course the enduring relationship will have its bad days / weeks while friends only see the best version of you. A gaming friend demands nothing. Most new relationships demand very little. It’s all wonderful initially. But it can’t last forever.

The sooner he goes the sooner you won’t have all this rammed in your face. Then, and only then, can the healing process begin.