Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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I agree with RobinsReliant. Crazy is the word.

Not doing too badly myself. Weirdly, we seem to be getting on better having agreed to divorce.

The only explanation I could find for my DH’s behaviour at the time was that he was feeling out of control of events in his life. His job, which had provided him with stability and routine, had collapsed and things were spiralling. Instead of letting home be his stabilising force he went off the rails. Tried to sell the house without consulting me, looked for a new property overseas, applied for unsuitable jobs which were only ever going to force us to split up. It really was crazy. He felt out of control and his response to that was to create an absolute shitstorm.

I still can’t get my head round the fact that someone with ASD could create a situation that was so chaotic. How he could go from needing routine and repetition to inviting in drama and crazy ideas. I still don’t get it now but I think it was his way of coping with disorder. Take control by creating more disorder, possibly giving him a sense of power because at least he was creating the mess this time. So whether it is planning to buy a property he can’t afford, buy a new car he can’t afford or give someone money he can’t afford at least he is feeling that those are his decisions, however unrealistic or unwise they are from the outside.

Trouble is all this breaks trust in family and friends. My DH lost friends because of it and he lost my faith.

Take control @AspergersWife and pay no attention to what he says and does. He has no clue what he is doing.

RobinsReliant
I still can’t get my head round the fact that someone with ASD could create a situation that was so chaotic. What I benefit from this thread is other people's ideas. H has such a stable existence. Gets up at the same time, eats the same food, has lunch, again the same food, again at the same time, stares at a screen for work, stares at a screen as a pastime - the same thing each and everyday. None of which involves talking to people, finding out information, making deals. Dealing with buying and selling, buying new electrical appliances finding tradesmen. Organising utilities, removals, buying furnIture. All the things you have to do when you divorce, split and rent or buy your own accommodation.
I of course am very capable and have done all of this during the marriage. 4 weeks now since the bombshell was dropped, nothing more has been said, though he does still flick the screen on his laptop when I pass by. Tomorrow is the party we have both been invited too with old work colleagues. It may bring matters to a head so I'm quite apprehensive!!

That does sound a reasonable explanation @RobinsReliant, a form of control. But yes the trust has gone with all these unpredictable actions and words, it went long ago, and with it went any love. I care about him in a sort of pitying way, but I want to be 'in love' with a partner who is my equal and can be relied upon, not a ditch chaotic manchild.

My H is so deluded. He thinks he's going to live round the corner and toddle over whenever he pleases. I have warned him there will be more boundaries and it won't be as in his glorious vision. He thinks it will be all exciting weekends and Disney holidays, and is forgetting about what the kids need mundanely and routinely every day.

I have checked and am entitled to some Universal Credit, I will have to fold my business though which is very sad. I am just waiting a couple more weeks to sort things out then can apply. H has offered me a more reasonable maintenance amount than previous, but I can't rely on him to always pay that. Particularly if he struggles to pay for this new massive shiny house he's found, or if he gets worse he won't be able to work. So UC it is until the kids are older and I can find a job to support us. Tellingly he hasn't even asked about my business, finances etc and he knows how little I make. Just assumes his maintenance will be all I live on. Because he has no clue how much our household costs to run.

I have the car in my name now, and need to get the deeds of our house transferred to me which seems like it will an expense I can't afford, but I need that done to feel some reassurance. I want to get that sorted while he's still all amicable and 'best buds' as I never know when he'll turn and deny he ever said I could stay in the house.

@Skye99 glad to hear you are feeling ok. How long ago was it you agreed to divorce?

@oneranksenior have you asked him outright about his bombshell? I hope the event brings you some clarity.

AspergersWife No I deliberately haven't spoken about the bombshell for two reasons. First I want to get myself in order financially and in terms of what I want and secondly he has initiated this so he needs to action it. He always leaves everything to me, but I don't want to sell the house so I am just decluttering which needs to be done anyway. So that when the time is right I can move. He may force that before I'm ready but that will require action from him.

@oneranksenior that makes sense, I hope you are doing ok. I've become kind of numb to the 'I'm leaving' bombshell because it was said so often, but I'm sure the first time I would have been absolutely shell shocked, panicking and devastated. My H never took any action though, and it seems like your H may be similar, so I would imagine you'll have as much time as you need.

The latest weirdness from H today is that he got up at 6.15am to take a friend to work. This friend is someone who H has been trying to impress for a while, H has gone way OTT with him (he accepted a brand new PS5 from H for nothing) and this guy seems very grabby. I used to feel sorry for H when his so called friends were blatantly using him, but now I don't care. What irritates me is that H set his alarm for this bloke, drove him into work, stopped to buy him food etc etc. Yet for his family he will never set an alarm and only gets out of bed when he's forced to. Or not at all. Most days he'll surface after I've got back from taking the kids to school, sometimes not til 10am. Because he works for himself he wakes up whenever he wants. He would laugh in my face if I asked him to get up that early to do something for us. He's spent all last week on holiday lazing around, leaving me to all the early mornings with the kids, and before that it's been me up with them every day of the school holidays, every day before that getting them ready for school, but for a random bloke he hardly sees he will be up and about with the larks, nothing too much trouble. Argh!

@oneranksenior Good to use this time in the way you are. The threats to leave are something I have sadly become used to. It breaks you down. Trust and faith are lost. Try DH doesn’t seem to see the impact and why I might feel differently about him as a result.

My H does the same @AspergersWife . Goes OTT in desire to help them when they are mostly entirely capable of helping themselves. Wants to be needed by them and, worse still, tells me how much he wants to support them and be a good person…
I guess he can be who he wants to be with them..create a new him.

I’m pretty confident that none of our DHs want to be on their own though. They say these things but there is no substance.

[quote AspergersWife]@Skye99 glad to hear you are feeling ok. How long ago was it you agreed to divorce?

@oneranksenior have you asked him outright about his bombshell? I hope the event brings you some clarity. [/quote]
Thanks. It’s a few weeks: I’m not sure how long getting on is going to last.

Thinking about it, I shouldn’t strictly say I’m OK, as although I’m coping I really don’t want to be alive. I will not be acting on that though. I have children to support (they are over 18 but still need emotional support, especially the one with AS).

[quote RobinsReliant]@oneranksenior Good to use this time in the way you are. The threats to leave are something I have sadly become used to. It breaks you down. Trust and faith are lost. Try DH doesn’t seem to see the impact and why I might feel differently about him as a result.

My H does the same @AspergersWife . Goes OTT in desire to help them when they are mostly entirely capable of helping themselves. Wants to be needed by them and, worse still, tells me how much he wants to support them and be a good person…
I guess he can be who he wants to be with them..create a new him.

I’m pretty confident that none of our DHs want to be on their own though. They say these things but there is no substance.[/quote]
I had the same threats to leave and I don’t think he meant them. I used to, but he didn’t act on them. I have lost trust - I feel he is too irresponsible, self-centred and emotionally blind to trust.

skye, that's a hard situation to be in, when you don't want to be alive. Is it because of the difficult years or is it related to other things, if I may ask?

I feel the same and it's definitely partly pre-dating the marriage but the light went out due to the strain of the marriage. By light I mean the slow erosion of trust and realisation that the emotional connection didn't exist. Plus the way that he stamped on any enjoyment. It became too emotionally dangerous to express happiness or sadness or anger or anything, which lead to a numbness and loss of hope, which echoed earlier serious losses over the years before I met him.

Very very slowly I'm daring to enjoy again and testing out sharing feelings/moods with my new bf. Could some pleasure in life come back to you, maybe?

@Skye99 💐💐💐

I’m sorry you are going through this. Please have faith that things will change for you. I was at an incredibly low ebb when my H was being particularly chaotic. I genuinely didn’t know what was going to happen next. It was like living with a stranger and I couldn’t trust a word that came out of his mouth.

Please look after yourself xx

I adore my husband. He has ADHD but I do wonder sometimes if he would have been diagnosed with Aspergers too.

As much as I adore him, I find him extremely trying at times. For example, his dreadful money management which he insists is top notch. He's put us into debt several times. I don't agree that he should have a credit card as he can't regulate his spending properly but he won't have it. One of his regular things is to go off in a sulk when I've purchased something or if I want to get a takeaway, citing our inability to afford it, but then will spend £100 on unneeded tat from Amazon or tools he will literally never unbox.

I have told him over and over, I am his wife, not his project manager, so this year I have declined to be in charge of sending cards for his families birthday or reminding him of appointments or necessary things like MOTs and license renewals for work. He can set twenty reminders on his phone so that he doesn't miss a spaceship battle on his games server, but can't remember to send his mum a birthday card? Come off it. Some of this "you must make exceptions/help/prompt" etc I see as enabling laziness because they know someone else will pick up the slack.

When it comes to gifts for me, he's either got it absolutely perfect or it's bordering on insane. He's bought me the most amazing antiques for my birthday before and I've been beyond thrilled with them, but he's also bought me twenty identical boxes of chocolates . All individually wrapped so I had to be observed unwrapping duplicates. He was delighted with himself, because he knows I like lemon. One of the chocolates in the box was a lemon mousse. He's bought me a plaster casting kit with no idea what I might use it on, a palette of neon glitter makeup when it's about as far from who I am as the moon is from my grasp....

He leaves boxes and bags everywhere. Since I met him, there isn't a photograph in my house that doesn't have a fucking cardboard box in the background, or a pile of accumulated clutter. Everything is half started, half finished and I've to kick his arse to get anything actually done.

Eleven weeks ago I broke down and begged him to take responsibility for one household task as I was absolutely buckling under the load of it all. Our daughter is disabled, our oldest son has ADHD too and our youngest is a five year old whirlwind. He looked shocked at my desperate tears and agreed to take on the laundry. I wept and I was so grateful. He bought some laundry bags as the baskets I use were not fit for they system he has in mind. I can only say I'm baffled by the system as not a single load of laundry has been done by him since these bags turned up. It all piled up for two weeks and then I just had to admit defeat and get it done.

Just back from post bombshell party. So this annual event was where 2 years ago H had an episode, he had a screaming tantrum and stormed off because I said something he didn't like. I didn't have my house key and had to use a convoluted route to message DD to let me in the house. She saw how frightened of her father I was. This time my 24 year old DD asked me if I wanted her and her BF to stay at my house to protect me in case her father got angry again. This has really shook me up. How people outside a relationship see it; suddenly shows how dysfunctional it is.
I'm safe I have locked my bedroom door. I don't think I have done or said anything to annoy him tonight. But this is not normal....

@oneranksenior Did the evening seem to go ok? Did you return together?

I am starting to read the thread backwards. I feel so less alone. I always thought it was just his Bipolar disorder, but always suspected some Asperger traits. Didn't want to follow up as would only give him another 'excuse/reason' for crap behaviour. But, boy is it tiring.!

ljsbear and RobinsReliant, thank you. That makes me feel better. It isn’t just the marriage break-up, it’s a combination of things coming at the same time, I think. I am expecting my mental state will improve at some point.

I hope you have even small things that bring appreciation for a moment skye. Even a pretty tree, or a handsome dog. Just for a moment. And I hope that in time, enjoyment can come back.

@Skye99 Yes it will and until then be kind to yourself. Small kindnesses. I had a safe place (coffee shop) I would go and sit in every day with coffee and a newspaper or book. It got me out of the house and the coffee (and cake) just felt really nurturing.

I thank God my particularly chaotic time didn’t happen during lockdowns when sitting in a cafe wouldn’t have been possible. I genuinely don’t know what I would have done. Mind you sitting in a cafe was just about all I could do at that time.

Since then I’ve spoken with other people who also found themselves a place they felt safe during a difficult or traumatic time. I guess it’s a way for people to be out of their house but somewhere that feels comforting to them.

Things will move forwards because they always do 💐

@squirrelslikenuts It’s interesting because had my DH received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder I wouldn’t have been surprised. He can go from a low, flat mood and a preoccupation with routine / things staying the same to causing chaos where he feels invincible and behaves completely irrationally. It was hard to reconcile that someone with ASD could do that. However I now see it as about control and low self esteem. He is continually seeking to gain control and external validation. He does not see his actions as having consequences. And he doesn’t view me as a separate person with different needs, opinions or feelings. Usually the thought of hurting those around us stops us from doing harmful things. But if in his world I don’t exist as a separate (or significant) person then I guess he can do what he likes. I guess the lack of insight into his own behaviour protects him from reality.

I hope you find this thread useful. It’s so important to find support for yourself.

@RobinsReliant
I have learnt/understood so much already.

From the low self esteem to it's everyone else's fault to constantly trying to be being seen as a caring hero by others. Has made his life stressful & gets overwhelmed.

But, not to me, I apparently don't need his help or support; I'm capable! Even when I ask.

But, I am tired of supporting him, at my own emotional expense. When, he's 'with us' it can be so good. Still, those times are getting less now.

Similar to other pps, it is a long and complicated relationship.

@squirrelslikenuts for you.

I understand. My DH gets quite angry and irritated with me if I ask for his support with anything. For others though he goes the extra mile and then some in his desire to be seen as a good person. Highlighting this behaviour will end in him saying that I don’t want him to have friends. Not true. I want him to have ordinary friendships, not ones where there is some kind of weird dependency or co-dependency where he needs to help or save people. That’s not a friendship in my book.

Thank you for the flowers. In a weird way it's good someone actually gets it.

squirrelslikenuts We do get it. You are not alone.
RobinsReliant The party was fine H arrived 2 hours late and sat in a separate area to me. As people mingled the host described H as someone he worked with, I added he was my husband.....and under my breath....,estranged! I left as others departed, H stayed on.
Next day I continued with decluttering and made a start in the living room. H just sat there staring and asked (note this is the first time he has started a non-procedural conversation since I don't know when!!) "What are you doing?" It's as if the bombshell had never been dropped and I was initiating clearing and selling the house.
It's like gas-lighting but I don't think it's deliberate. It's as if he's taken by surprise that I am taking action as a result of what he said?