Page 23 | Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

Ijsbear · 22/08/2021 12:25

@Zeev

I sometimes wonder if they actually 100% think they're faultless. My spouse was asked at couples therapy to think about what he could do better in our relationship. For two appointments he refused to answer since he couldn't think of anything he could improve in, and then he finally said "I could do things more my way because that makes me happier and if I'm happier the relationship is happier".

Guess why we were in therapy...

That made me laugh because my ex wouldnt say it out loud but it's exactly what he'd be thinking.

oneranksenior · 22/08/2021 12:32

RobinsReliant and Zeev I couldn't agree more. The reason we are splitting up is because "we don't do things together and we don't go on holiday together".
Now here comes some facts!!!!!!
Fact 1 - H only has one group of friends, people we both worked with in the 1980s and 1990s. He has deliberately excluded me from this group for years. It all came to light when someone I knew from outside the group asked why I didn't attended one of the groups big birthday party? It transpired that I had been invited over the years to loads of things and as I never turned up they thought I wasn't interested. In fact H hadn't wanted me to attend so never passed on the invitations. I guess because I might have told them what he's really like? I'm also confident, vibrant and funny!
Fact 2 - H decided without consulting me in January 2020 that he was never going to fly again. A few weeks later he announced that he wanted us to go on different holidays from then on. He didn't want to take the sort of holidays we'd been taking for the proceeding 40 years. (We've done everything, long-haul, short-haul, cities, walking, cycling, climbing, craft activity, sport, even cruising - WTF is left to do people I haven't a clue!!!)
So I'm being blamed.
Funnily enough next weekend is the birthday party of the person I mentioned above. Since he found out that the invitations weren't being passed on to me, he always invites me personally. So I shall go! Will H go? Will H feel awkward? I'll let you know!!!!

colouringindoors · 22/08/2021 17:53

AspergersWife what a total dickhead thing to say. Hold on, the end's in sight

colouringindoors · 22/08/2021 17:54

oneranksenior if you think you would have fun at the party then go, and enjoy yourself (no need to socialise with H )

colouringindoors · 22/08/2021 17:58

zeev there are simply not enough eyerolls for that response!!!

We had therapy years aho. H hated it. He didn't think the therapist was any good (he felt she took my side, she didn't) and he hated hearing the truth (I hadn't managed to be honest with him).

And he later put part of the blame for his suicide attempt on the things I'd said in therapy...

RobinsReliant · 22/08/2021 18:37

I so agree with your posts. My DH says we don’t do anything together so should split up. I remind him of all the things we do together. He says that those ‘don’t count’. I have planned things we could do together based on things he has said he would like to do…his response is that I have planned things for myself not for him.

So we are stuck because the things we do don’t count, the things we have talked about doing don’t count. He doesn’t come up with what might count though so it is a guessing game that I can only fail.

@colouringindoors My DH also says the therapists are rubbish and take my side not his. They don’t but he cannot cope with anyone drawing attention to the fact that his behaviour is unreasonable. He finds sycophantic type people where he works to validate himself all the time instead.

It’s my fault his life is rubbish apparently.

@oneranksenior Please go to the party and prove to his friends how lovely you are. They will see him through new eyes. And they need to.

Skye99 · 22/08/2021 18:56

@colouringindoors

AspergersWife what a total dickhead thing to say. Hold on, the end's in sight

My thoughts exactly.

RobinsReliant · 22/08/2021 19:36

@Ijsbear

Ive had an extraordinary email.

He's thanking me for being willing to spend time with his new gf, that she can help and teach me how to deal with my children, that she's more caring and calm than me but despite that I shouldn't dismiss myself, I still have good qualities that he values, and that one day when he's ready to he might open up to me again.

Shocking @ljsbear but probably fairly typical of their thought process… It certainly isn’t anything to do with you!

It’s very narcissistic thinking in my view. Truly believing that only what they think counts and not taking into account that you may have a completely different view and actually may not want him to open up to you ever again.

My DH did something similar when he had blurred boundaries with a family friend. He tried to say that we should open ourselves up to the positive qualities of this woman. That I should perhaps be more like this woman. Unbelievable.

I assured him that I was quite happy being me and had no intention of trying to be anyone else let alone the thought of doing so for his benefit.

His response? “Well that’s why our marriage is in trouble. You just don’t try hard enough to be like her”…

RobinsReliant · 22/08/2021 19:41

@AspergersWife

Actually I bet I do know what he was thinking, something along the lines - I am better than the bloke who left you. I am a shitty partner, but not as shit as that guy. Look at me, how kind I am. Look how impressive I am waving my money around to help others.

Exactly. And exactly what my DH does. Dramatic gestures to friends so they think he is a great guy. He bathes in the glory while being utterly shocking at home towards me and members of our family because we don’t appear to count and our opinion of him doesn’t matter one bit…

My heart breaks for all of the people on here, it really does.

oneranksenior · 22/08/2021 19:50

RobinsReliant colouringindoors
I fully intend to go to the party. This is an annual event at which 2 years ago H disgraced himself. Someone asked me about playing Bridge, I happened to say I'd played a bit and had actually won a competition at a local Bridge club. Now Bridge is H's thing, he went mental, swearing and stormed off home. The person I was talking with couldn't understand; assured me I hadn't said anything wrong and even went to our house to ask H what had upset him? H just said it was me!

Now H communicates by writing what he is doing in our family diary rather than speaking. He hasn't put this in the diary?
We have both been invited by email, together with others. So he knows I've been invited.
It will be interesting to see if H actually goes......
It will be interesting to find out if H has told his friends we are separating......

AspergersWife · 22/08/2021 20:11

@oneranksenior I bet you'll have a much better time without him! I cringe thinking of all the social events H has ruined for me! Thank god I won't have to do any more. No more feeling embarrassed, no more worrying about what people will think, no more shame because his bizarre words and behaviour reflect on me.

This holiday has been awkward in many respects but in some ways better than previous years' trips, because now I don't feel I have to keep the peace too much. Every time we are ready to go out, e.g. go on the beach when it's the right time for the tide, H suddenly needs the bathroom, or a nap, or to fuck around doing something stupid he could do at literally any other time. Usually we'd wait and wait (he would happily live on the toilet seat with his phone all day I think) because the sulking I'd get if I went without him wouldn't be worth it. But now the worst is happening, we are splitting so I don't need to care about his sulks. What's he going to do? Threaten to move out faster? Good! so yesterday I took the kids down to the beach without him, and today we were just heading out to a playground when it was suddenly his bathroom time, so we went without him. I mean FFS, the kids had been waiting for ages while he napped (because of course he can't manage more than 2 hours awake before needing a bloody nap like a stupid giant baby), he seriously couldn't fit in a quick poo during all that empty time? I told him the other day I'd just take them to the cinema on my own because it was raining all day and not much else to fi, and he said 'no ill come, I want to spend some time with them' then when we got there he just immediately fell asleep! So he may as well just not be with us at all really. Everything would go much more smoothly if I didn't have to factor in his moods, tiredness/laziness, and unwillingness.

RobinsReliant · 22/08/2021 20:29

@AspergersWife When we go on holiday I too have to wait for ages while DH is getting ready / needs to use the loo / sleeps / reads his book. I now just decide what I’m going to do and if he’s ready then fine, if he’s not I go anyway. As you say, why is it not possible to put the trips first then arrange naps and loo visits around that? He manages to hold down a responsible job where he can’t have a nap or go to the loo for hours on end so why is it so difficult to transfer that onto family life.

As you say, just go. If needed dress it up with ‘I can see you are really tired. Poor you. Go and have a sleep. We’ll entertain ourselves’ and just go. It usually takes my DH a few days to realise that he’s missing out and needs to adapt his routine. In the meantime, everyone waits…children, pets, partner…because their needs don’t seem to figure on my DH’s radar. Not any more.

Original poster

Bluebellforest1 · 22/08/2021 20:47

@AspergersWife @RobinsReliant
H and I haven’t been away on holiday together since 2017, when we had a disastrous week in Majorca and I swore I would never go away for more than a night with him again. 2 days in and I was googling Solicitors.
He suggested to me on Friday that we could hire a campervan and go to Scotland with the dog for 3 or 4 weeks - hahaha no. No way am I spending 3 or 4 weeks in a metal box with him, his farting, burping, grunting, moaning, snoring, extreme nose blowing ...that’s why we have separate bedrooms.
I now go away with friends or on my own, sadly he has no friends so doesn’t go away.

OP posts:

Skye99 · 22/08/2021 21:08

[quote RobinsReliant]@AspergersWife

Actually I bet I do know what he was thinking, something along the lines - I am better than the bloke who left you. I am a shitty partner, but not as shit as that guy. Look at me, how kind I am. Look how impressive I am waving my money around to help others.

Exactly. And exactly what my DH does. Dramatic gestures to friends so they think he is a great guy. He bathes in the glory while being utterly shocking at home towards me and members of our family because we don’t appear to count and our opinion of him doesn’t matter one bit…

My heart breaks for all of the people on here, it really does.[/quote]
Mine does too.

RobinsReliant · 22/08/2021 21:09

@Bluebellforest1

Would he book a trip like that or would you have to do all the organising?

Original poster

Bluebellforest1 · 22/08/2021 21:15

@RobinsReliant no, he wouldn’t book it, it’s all pie in the sky stuff, it’ll never happen, thank god.

OP posts:

LanternIsle · 22/08/2021 21:39

The way everyone describes the “waiting around” for anything to happen (that is not their momentary ‘special interest’) and their angry sense that you’re Some kind of “personal assistant” on call 24/7, on their timetable! whilst needing zero by way of reciprocation, it’s so sad really, a complete misunderstanding of relationships 😞 really. I’ve an adult son just like this. Our relationship (mother-son) can’t even really continue except on an emergency way. I know he can’t help it. Sometimes I feel so sorry for him, though he is quite fine and arrogant at times - except when the woe is me stories come of accidents and missed time limits and general mess ups (including with the law). He hasn’t got a girlfriend yet, most likely because of his oddness in some ways (even if ok looking), but I would sort of feel a bit sorry for her if he ever did introduce me, and I couldn’t honestly give my blessing 😟.

Sorry to hijack.

RobinsReliant · 22/08/2021 21:48

[quote Bluebellforest1]@RobinsReliant no, he wouldn’t book it, it’s all pie in the sky stuff, it’ll never happen, thank god.[/quote]
Thought as much. My DH talks all the time about hating this country, wanting to move overseas, wanting to go on holiday to various places. Has NEVER done anything towards any of it past looking up properties on the internet. Nothing. Is content to be discontent it seems while blaming me for the way his life has worked out.

RobinsReliant · 22/08/2021 21:52

@LanternIsle I often feel that my DH is simply resentful if whatever is going on isn’t about him or his needs. So he has to make it so. There’s nothing like an emergency to command everyone’s attention and make their needs central…

Daftasabroom · 23/08/2021 07:54

I could have written that, actually I could have written almost every post here. I must have spent years waiting for DW along with the disruption and hijacking of whatever the activity is.

I used to think it was purely passive aggressive, or passive control, I figured it was a way of controlling a situation without taking responsibility. I also think it is due to the anxiety of an activity that is not part of her daily routine. DW has said in the past that she plans her day while still in bed.

AspergersWife · 23/08/2021 09:50

Yes H simultaneously wants every bit of attention on him but also hates any kind of interaction, small talk etc. The 2 things don't go together!

I've noticed lately that whatever he does he does loudly, trying to monopolise the room. E.g. right now he's on his laptop doing some work before we start the day's activities. He's just had a go at the kids for being loud, then on the next breath is shouting and exclaiming about something he's reading. Always one rule for him

I think I'm noticing more and more annoying things now that we are splitting at last. Latest annoyance: He keeps starting conversations whilst walking away. Why on earth would you do that? So either I have to say 'what?' and maybe have to follow him to keep up. Or else his voice just gets more distant so I don't know what he's actually saying. I know for a fact he'd go mad if I was so rude. The other night he unnecessarily yelled at DS, I tried to talk to him about his shitty attitude to DS and he literally put his shoes on and went out, as I was in the middle of a sentence if I did that I'd be 'in trouble' and getting ranted at.

Right now he keeps talking at me about work stuff, even though I'm very obviously quiet whilst typing this and previously was quietly reading. Loudly talking AT me. Loudly calling work people. Imposing himself on my quiet time. Yet if I was to talk to him when he's doing something he'd snap at me or tell me to shush, or ask me to go elsewhere to make noisy calls. Again, one rule for him.

Zeev · 23/08/2021 21:04

He keeps starting conversations whilst walking away. Why on earth would you do that? So either I have to say 'what?' and maybe have to follow him to keep up. Or else his voice just gets more distant so I don't know what he's actually saying.

Oh lord mine does this too. He'll start a sentence and then walk out of the room in the middle of speaking.

RobinsReliant · 23/08/2021 22:53

@Daftasabroom I agree. If they can’t handle a situation they are in, dropping a bombshell or finding a way to create conflict is the best way to control and avoid dealing with it.

My DH has no idea how rude he is. However he will call out any rude behaviour from others. Notices an ounce of aggression in anyone else but truly believes his rudeness and aggression is justified.

There is zero empathy for me. Seems better at being empathic towards others but not me. I had to go to the hospital the other day (pretty urgently). There was no offer of a lift or any support at all (he said he was tired). But the week beforehand he had told a colleague to call him any time when her child was sick as he wanted to be able to help. Of course if she had called it would have required some payback because my DH never does something for nothing. It’s not obvious initially until the other person disagrees with him or there is some kind of conflict between them. Then all hell breaks loose.

AspergersWife · 27/08/2021 19:33

How is everybody doing? I survived our week away (just about) and am so glad to be home.

While we were away H put an offer in on a house that came up literally around the corner from me. It's bizarre but I'm saying nothing. He's gone from just a few weeks ago telling me he was getting me a brand new car, then refusing that as he had zero cash and suddenly didn't love me and was moving out, to offering money to my friend, to telling me he couldn't afford a 2 bed terrace I'd linked him to, to now suddenly able to afford a much more expensive, larger property. FFS. I just hope at some point this insane treadmill stops so I can get off, I feel like it's impossible to keep up with what on earth is happening in my own life.

RobinsReliant · 27/08/2021 20:18

@AspergersWife It sounds crazy! It is crazy. Two years ago I was in a similar situation with my DH so I really feel for you. Being on the end of such craziness feels like you are being tossed around in stormy seas. Gather yourself. Steady yourself. In the end I had to stop listening to my DH’s crazy talk, stop thinking about what he was doing or saying and just ground myself.

It’s definitely time to think only about yourself. He can keep this craziness to himself.

for you. Hope you are ok??