Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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Is anyone frightened of their partner because you have no idea what they are thinking? Since dropping the "I want us to split up and I want you to sell the house next summer" bombshell two weeks ago, nothing more has been said. I've been out to work, openly decluttering, cooking for all, but not washing his socks - my only little rebellion! He spends the day WFH in his room, evenings screen gazing, weekends out walking. We are now self-isolating! I'm terrified of raising it. Is that silly? I have no idea if he's about to sign a rental lease and pack his bags tomorrow or has forgotten all about it.
With other people they'd either talk and tell you what they're thinking. Even if silent you'd know their mood, if they were cross or carefree. I find it so difficult with such a blank personality. I don't want to open a can of worms!

Yes, all the time @oneranksenior and it's just so destabilising. I feel on the brink of insanity! It's like gaslighting IMO so while he doesn't mean to be abusive/coercive, the effects upon me are the same as if it was intentional. There are 2 or 3 personalities within him. I never know if I'm going to get the moody one who'll brush past me like I don't exist, or the needy clingy one who wants me to love/mother him.

Anyway I've realised both versions of him are deeply unhealthy for me to be around and that we have not been in a healthy relationship for a long while. It is not sustainable. I cannot continue to raise children with a man who tantrums and threatens me with 'I might leave' when I try to speak up.

This week he's been talking about looking for houses for himself, whilst trying to give me hugs, talking about the future etc. He's joined a gym, lost a stone and seems so happy about his new single life. Burbling on about himself, his shiny new things and expecting me to be fine. All the while still not telling me any actual information about maintenance etc. Not expressing any regrets or sadness we are done, acting like we are best friends. It's like a split personality. If a friend was describing my life to me, I'd think she was lying as it is just too bizarre to be believable.

Think about what you actually want. (Easier said than done for me. Why is it always about what they want?!) I'd say continue with your planning and whatever rebellions you want. I wish I'd done so many years ago when he first pulled the 'I can't do this' routine instead of being so compliant and bending myself backwards to fit his skewed version of life. I'd be such a lot happier and stronger if I'd taken action then.

AspergersWife you are right it is bizarre. What you describe must be like living on a roller-coaster, being thrown from one extreme to the other. I wonder if how we live will be recognised as domestic abuse/coercive control. I've told a handful of friends, 2 with similar partners, even they cannot believe he has said nothing nor seemingly taken any action. For my friends who have no experience of people like that they are at long last beginning to understand what I have been describing all these years. He doesn't talk!! Today may be interesting. He has a day's annual leave while we are self-isolating (why not cancel?) What will he do if he can't leave the house? He doesn't read books, or listen to music or the radio, doesn't potter in the garden, cook, tidy, decorate or clean!

Just popping in to say hi to the two women following the thread who PMd me re solicitor - I've replied (only realised I had messages tonight ).

And to send much love to everyone on this thread.

Yes yes @oneranksenior and @AspergersWife … I can relate to that 100%. My DH actually said after a particularly bad time where his behaviour had been shocking and had caused me to become quite ill, ‘But we’ll always be best friends won’t we?’ He couldn’t seem to see at all that his behaviour had meant there was no way I could see him as a friend or someone I would want as a friend. It’s like he thought his behaviour had no impact at all on our relationship and whatever he did would have no effect.

Ha @UmbrellaInAugust I posted almost exactly that a few weeks (months maybe?) ago. I'd told H we were over and his response was 'but we'll always be best friends won't we?' I actually laughed at that and told him exactly the reasons why I would never have a friend who treated me the way he did/does. Yesterday he was giving me hugs as he went off to work, yet today he said goodbye with a fist bump. If I didn't laugh I'd cry. A fist bump?! so maybe he thinks I'm now a laddish acquaintance.

@AspergersWife It’s the inconsistency which is so hard to deal with. My DH goes from saying he hates me to telling me how much he loves me in the same week. His emotions can be volatile and he doesn’t see that eventually that will lead to instability and mistrust.

I think he just reacts to how he is feeling in that moment. He can’t process it so that he responds in a rational way, just lets the feelings take over which leads to chaos.

If a friend treated me with the distain and contempt that DH does I wouldn't consider them a friend. Remain friends after we separate no way!
Minor update on how DH handled a day off whilst self-isolating. Spent all day on the laptop, (whilst I was sorting the junk in the loft!)...then went for a walk! Ok by Monday he'll no longer have to self-isolate but now it's against the law with £1000 fine! He spent 18 months learning every statistic about Covid, reads the Guardian for hours a day and yet he flouts a law which is there for a very good reason because he wants to do what he wants.

Hello, new to this thread but at the end of my tether with my partner.

I've thought he'd on the spectrum for some years, but it's not really the same as what some of you are describing. He is unsociable and doesn't see anyone except me. We might visit his (elderly) parents two or three times a year, despite them living literally less than a mile away. He doesn't care much for coming to visit my family, but will maybe twice a year.

He's very into gaming, films and music, and spends all his time either playing games, watching people on Twitch or uploading/downloading films. He does this from when I go to bed until when I get up, then he sleeps all day. He says he likes being up in the night.

He also drinks a lot (at least one bottle of wine a night, but I think more. Hard to tell because it's boxes of wine, rather than bottles) and is taking anti-depressants.

It's hard to know whether it's just the drinking and the depression, or if it's undiagnosed ASD or something of a mixture in between.

We are not intimate at all. He cannot really bear to have me touching him and he almost never instigates contact. He only ever really gets animated when telling me something about a game or film or book he likes. He never asks me how I am. He will get up in the evenings, come downstairs and turn over the TV even if I'm in the middle of watching something. He never seems to actually want to be with me, but if I ever go away for longer than a day, he gets really tense and upset and tries to stop me going.

Sorry for the vent. I guess I'm just a bit lost.

Welcome @passengerjl May I ask, what are you getting out of this relationship? I think I first came to this thread with a very similar story. Then I felt very trapped and have 2 young DC with ASD. I wish I could shake my past self and say 'wake up and get out!' His gaming during lockdown has finished us. Is this the life you want?

passengerjl Sorry to hear your experience. Sounds really miserable. Why would you stay in such a relationship?

I'm not really sure why I haven't left. Familiarity? I feel responsible for him and I worry about what would happen to him.

I don't even know how to bring it up with him. He thinks everything is fine and doesn't understand when I say I'm lonely or that I wish he could show me that he cares.

I've fallen into the mum trap. I pay the bills, cook, clean, etc.

@oneranksenior That’s so interesting because my DH can be furious with people who break ‘rules’ but then shows no sense of discomfort when he does this himself. And then weeks later will totally refuse to break rules even when it may actually be quite reasonable to do so saying ‘it’s the rules’.
But what about the same rules you broke a few weeks ago. Why was it ok to break the rules then but not now?

It’s the inconsistency which doesn’t make sense. It means he is living by an ever changing set of rules which changes depending on what he wants rather than any external expectation or code.

UmbrellainAugust "rules" are another bizarre topic. During the first lockdown when we were allowed out to exercise for 1 hour a day, guess what? He went out for exactly 1 hour walks, not 50 mins not an hour 1/4!
Seriously I m really struggling to understand what if anything can be going on in his mind. He dropped the I'm leaving you and leaving you to sell the house 2 weeks ago today. Nothing more has been said. No change in his behaviour. He sits and screen gazes, plays bridge online, watches football and goes for walks. I on the other hand feel I've been to hell and back. But I am back. I am clear that I can't be with someone so cruel and uncaring. Why do they do things like this? No preamble, no warning, just an announcement of this is the way it will be, like some Victorian father. Father has spoken.....sorry I'm not listening!
The solicitors have told me the only way he can get the house sold is a Court Order. I await it.................

@oneranksenior I could have written your post word for word. Drops a bombshell which devastates me and then carries on as though nothing has happened. He would go so far as then suggesting things we might do next year or home improvements. “But I thought you were leaving? I thought you wanted to sell the house?” No answer.

He definitely doesn’t see it as cruel. He thinks it’s ok because it’s how he felt at that point in time and this makes it ‘justified’.

It is cruel. It is vile behaviour. I’m sorry you are experiencing this but yes, you can make your own plans. If your DH is anything like mine he will then say “You’re choosing to destroy our relationship”…

Keep yourself sane and well. It’s really important to look after yourself while you are going through this.

Thank you for your support and kind words UmbrellainAugust. I sorry that you are subjected to the same, but it does help to know we are not alone. Do you think they forget what they've said? Or is it like a child reacting to something they don't like with a "I hate you I don't want to be your friend anymore" ?
I am (on the surface at least) remaining calm and cheerful. He won't hurt me anymore!

Do you think they forget what they've said?

I gave up trying to figure it out. Just accepted what he said on the surface, didn't take any of it too seriously, accepted that there would be 0 connection and kept calm, unemotional and detached. It's a terrible thing to say of your own husband but after 12 years and some enormous betrayals (not sexual, but there can be betrayals just as bad) I treated him like a difficult customer at a shop.

If he'd given even a hint of kindness or humanity I'd have be glad of it, but there was nothing. My ex-MIL wants him and I to be friends but I fear that ship has sailed.

His new GF is makes some odd decisions but is basically lovely and I flinch for her. Apparently he has said to her that he didn't listen enough to me so maybe there's hope this one will go better. she's absolutely great with the kids so I really don't want them to split up :D

@ljsbear Glad some good has come of it! Let’s hope he learns from past mistakes. I too experienced betrayals. I don’t know if my DH can learn though because he generally sees things as the fault of everyone else, not him. If you can’t own it, you can’t learn from it!

@oneranksenior Yes it does help to know we are not alone. When you are subjected to this it feels as though you are going mad. I too remember being light and airy in his presence but then going off to cry because my heart was breaking. I didn’t show him though. It would have been met with harshness, coldness and probably anger.

I wish I had come to this thread at the time because I think it would have helped knowing that this kind of behaviour seems pretty typical. It’s not your fault.

‘I hate you. I am leaving you. I don’t want to be friends with you any more’ echoes childhood as you say. It is like hearing a child speak. It’s like my DH is stuck in an earlier stage of development and cannot progress to a place where other people may irritate him but he doesn’t have to retaliate.

💐 for you.

I totally agree with that idea of my H being stuck in an earlier stage of development. It's like he has not formed any critical thinking skills or any restraint. His gaming/fast food addiction puts me in mind of a teenager, and the tantrums always come out of something stressful like he cannot handle anything without me taking the brunt, like a toddler fires at their mummy.

I found out that his more recent 'I can't do this anymore, I hate you, I can't cope with the kids etc' episode has likely been triggered by a financial problem with his business. He's only just told me about it, but the timeline makes me go 'ah!' But why not just discuss that work problem with me as a life partner, rather than bottle it up then lash out about something unrelated? Anyway he'll never change that pattern so in a way it's good he did the usual thing as it's brought me an even clearer wake up.

I'm sure if I'd ignored his latest tantrum/outburst about moving out we'd have carried on struggling on. As it is, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I've told him to move out before Xmas. He then ignored that for a few days, til I sent him a link to a house for sale locally. He's told me this gave him a kick up the bum and he's started properly looking. Still blabbers on about 'buying land' and designing his own home FFS just rent/buy quickly, right now, like any other sane person would.

We are actually getting on very well now, well over the past few days anyway, not sure how long it'll last. I think because the pressure is off him to feel bad about his past shitty things he's done, or to 'perform' as a loving husband, he can direct his energy into being a good dad for the kids and is actually being good company. He said he realises the pressure only ever came from within himself, and that caused stress which he couldn't handle if other stressful things came up. Whatever, not my issue, he's not my problem now. While the kids are so young I'll go along with being friends as long as he doesn't use me as his verbal punching bag whenever stress comes up in his life.

He keeps repeating how he wants to be a team for the kids and he has so many fine words about it all, how lovely our separation will be and what great co-parents we will be. I know the reality, like so many of his grand schemes, will be very different. He'll be late to collect/drop off. He needs me to remind him of basic things, so I know he'll fuck up times. He'll want to go to watch football 5 hours away on their weekend and expect them just to go along with him, instead of making actual plans suitable for them. He'll want to game all weekend non-stop, and ignore them or forget to feed them and so on. I would love to believe his words but I know he'll let them down.

He's agreed to every other weekend to have the kids, and maybe they'll be staying over for perhaps 1 night, we'll see how it goes. He's disorganised, selfish and has the brain of a young teenager, so I'm not convinced he'll be having them even 1 night right away.

I gave up trying to figure it out

yeah. For me that's been the only way.

My ex once told me something that devastated me and showed he'd been lying to my face for months. And then got angry with me for being so upset and embarassing him. (I walked out of restaurant, only time in my life I've done sonething so dramatic - he was furious...)

As it is, I'm not putting up with it anymore

⚘⚘⚘

UmbrellaInAugust and AspergersWife, I totally agree with the stuck in an earlier phase of development idea.

//It's like he has not formed any critical thinking skills or any restraint. His gaming/fast food addiction puts me in mind of a teenager, and the tantrums always come out of something stressful like he cannot handle anything without me taking the brunt, like a toddler fires at their mummy.//

You could be describing my H, apart from the gaming and fast food. He lashes out at me whenever something goes wrong for him. Wouldn’t it be better to talk to your partner in a normal way and get some sympathy?!!

He has no critical thinking about his own thoughts. Everything that comes into his head is right! And there is no need to think at all before saying it to me. It apparently doesn’t matter what impact it will have.

I have given up. It’s just a question of when/how to live separately.

I'm still interested in why he behaves as he does. I'm not interested in him in the slightest. I was speaking to another solicitor today (I've now consulted 4 in free 30 min initial sessions which I thoughrily recommend). She said he'd probably been thinking about dropping the 'splitting up' bombshell for months if not years (which does tie in with a behavior change post January 2020 - stopping flying, stopping holidays together, stopping 'his' household tasks (lawn mowing and vacuuming which he did as I have a bad back - he still empties the dishwasher (badly)) and stopping conversation completely) and I need to take time to absorb and think about what's happening. Is this because of the theory of mind, he thinks therefore I must also have those thoughts?
Anyway nothing has been said, the solicitors all told me not to panic, I have a year, maybe 2 or 3 before I'd have to sell the house. I should update DS though so he doesn't think he'll have to come home to collect all his stuff any time soon.

oneranksenior Pleased to hear you have some time.

I’m still a bit curious why my H behaves as he does too.

@colouringindoors

I gave up trying to figure it out

yeah. For me that's been the only way.

My ex once told me something that devastated me and showed he'd been lying to my face for months. And then got angry with me for being so upset and embarassing him. (I walked out of restaurant, only time in my life I've done sonething so dramatic - he was furious...)

Every sympathy!!