Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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@UmbrellaInAugust I'm not entirely sure where tragedy becomes farce but our lives I suspect are 3/4 of one and 3/4 the other. Obviously this leaves a whole load of c**p left over.

I desperately hope DS1 can find a better connection with the world DW. He is definitely more aware despite finding life harder.

Solicitor meeting useful. The only way he can instigate the selling of the house within the next year or two is if he files for divorce on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour? I'm still on a roll with decluttering, should make me feel lighter, though I'm getting lighter with a loss of appetite - which isn't good! His reason for separating is we don't go on holiday together. That was his wish. Just seen in family diary he is going on holiday next month, first I knew of that. Once I'd have been hurt.....less so now.....

Wow, just wow @oneranksenior

That is exactly what my DH would do. Use something that was always his idea (not going on holiday together) against me at a later date. And funnily enough when we separated briefly he went on holiday with friends after saying that going on holidays caused him stress. It’s the inconsistency that’s really hard to deal with. It’s outrageous and for me is a kind of gaslighting as you just don’t know where you stand or what the truth is. You’re left second guessing all the time that maybe you got it wrong when you didn’t.

Can you go somewhere on holiday yourself? Maybe a nice quiet weekend somewhere?

We really need a support group in real life don’t we?

UmbrellainAugust It gets more bizarre!!! I'm going on holiday myself at exactly the same time. The difference is I told him about it by SPEAKING!!! LOL! (it's effectively a free holiday that has resulted from a pandemic cancellation). However when I told him about it he didn't want to know who I was going with, where I was staying, what I was doing - I assume because he's just not interested!
I do feel it's like gaslighting. He is using against me what he himself does much more of. I have just been going through old family diaries to remove pages for recycling. The same theme occurs year after year. He has numerous social events, all the same things (Bridge and opera)with the same people, I have some, no doubt restricted by having young children with their activities, he had SO many solo holidays. We've been living like this for about 14 years. I used to be very hurt, I'd even put post-it stickers on the pages when he'd gone out without me - how sad is that. Now I'm only slightly hurt, more feeling what a waste of a marriage and I still don't know how much insight he has into all this?

Do you feel he is getting at you for going on holiday yourself? Passive aggressive type behaviour: you’re going away so I will do the same (to ‘show’ you) @oneranksenior ?

I can really relate to this. If I planned something for myself and told my DH he would then arrange something for himself that he knows I would like to do too. It’s like he’s got to prove something? I’d never plan something for me that I know he might like but he would do it in a heartbeat.

Glad you are going away though. That’s important.

Remember that you have tried. It’s just you can never win because he’s competing against you.

UmbrellainAugust He wants to go on holiday so he does. It's the way he communicates that is annoying and down-right rude! The use of the family diary is passive aggressive. When I've pulled him up on it in the past, he'd say "well I put it in the diary".
He seems to waver between being lost and pathetic. He's using up annual leave and just sat there with nothing to do one day last week. Then he's antagonistic (at least that's how it feels to me). He's said nothing to me today, other than curt replies, he's now off on a Zoom call chatting away.

I often think my DH actually hates me @oneranksenior . Being nice and chatty to others then barely speaking with me. He wouldn’t treat any other person in that way. It always comes back to how he wants to be seen by others (but doesn’t try with me because he knows I know him - there’s no point trying to be someone he’s not with me).

It is bloody hurtful. As you say it starts to hurt less because you now anticipate it and are used to it but seriously, my DH leads a double life and no-one sees the true him apart from me. I can’t imagine not being authentic all of the time but he manages to be two different people.

I’m so glad I’ve found this post. I’ve felt like I’ve been losing my mind. Everything here resonates so much. I’m feeling so fragile and know I have to make a change before I crack up completely so @colouringindoors I’ve sent you a DM as you said you can recommend a solicitor. Thanks and sending hugs and strength to everyone who needs it.

@oneranksenior I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. My DH interprets anything as a personal attack…disagreement, difference of opinion, different choices. Of course it’s not personal. Two people may have a different ideas on a situation. To him it is very personal though.

@AllChangeHerePlease You’re not alone. for you x

@Turquoisesea

I’ve been lurking on these threads for ages. I am sure my DH has Aspergers (undiagnosed). Our DS has Aspergers so I am fully aware of the signs. DH & I have been together over 20 years, they haven’t exactly been filled with joy but not all bad but I really feel I have mentally checked out of the marriage. DH is very hard work in lots of ways, I find the constant misinterpreting everything I say and taking it as a personal criticism so draining. He’s not sociable at all unless it’s something he’s interested in and then he can talk on and on to someone about it. He can talk to me about his hobby, work etc and I’m expected to sit and listen excitedly, but when I try and talk to him I see his eyes glazing over and I can see his irritation and he just wants me to stop talking. I feel totally on my own emotionally, like my needs are never considered, all his focus is on himself and how he feels. I feel like over the years the lack of care of me has just made all the love disappear. My teenage DD who is NT has started picking up on things and asks why he does things and I struggle to give her answers. Too many things have happened over the years to mention but I have to organise everything, all the mental load has fallen on me, all the care of the DCs. My 2 are older now but whenever I see a dad out with a baby or toddlers by himself looking after them it catches me every single time as I realise that never happened in our relationship. The few times I went away for the night I had to write detailed instructions and he normally got his parents over to help. He’s not a bad person and financially he’s always been generous but I feel totally and utterly unloved, he lives in his head constantly, has little space for anything else, is always the glass is half empty and I find being with him totally draining a lot of the time. I’m lucky I’ve got some good friends and have carved out a life for myself but I don’t feel like I am in a partnership, just living alongside someone who doesn’t understand me and I don’t really understand them.

Hi all, I’ve just spotted this thread and am slowly reading through it. This post struck a particular chord with me. My DH also misinterprets everything I say and twists it into personal criticism in his mind (and then has outbursts). I can’t even say anything about the most mundane things like the weather without this happening. I’m always on edge. It can happen in public in front of strangers - he doesn’t care what people think.

I’ve never felt so lonely. I’ve been lonely for years but due to lockdown this has got worse. I have no one to ask how I feel or to comfort me. DH is very intelligent and has a very good job but admits he feels no empathy. He finishes work and sits on his computer for the rest of the night, soundproofing headphones on. Doesn’t even sit with me to eat. Same with the DC at weekends, he’s good with them and takes them to places but when at home he’s sat on his game with headphones on, none of us able to communicate with him. He doesn’t hide that he’s not interested in what I have to say. I have no one to talk to. We’ve been together a long time - over 20 years. It wasn’t like this until we got married a number of years in. There are so many more issues, including around control.

He’s the perfect man in front of people we know and work colleagues - funny, charming, full of conversation. They would have no idea. He says he has a limit on sociability. I’m clearly at the bottom of that list.

@JamieFrasersAuntie

Thank you both, sorry this happened to you too Blossom.

My H exploited a tragic situation so he could cheat. At the time I wondered if he was a psychopath it was so cold.

My H is like many here, he has his own room that he disappears into and he responds to reasonable complaints by raging and threatening divorce. We are now unhappy housemates and it's clear he only tolerates us.

Like others I feel trapped by finances, children and unfortunately poor health.

I get regular threats of divorce too. However I’m financially insecure. I have no access to his money, he transfers some to me instead. So when people talk about getting ducks in a row this would not be possible. I have no access to any of his financial information. His computer is password protected.

Oh @lonelycat I hear you.

My DH will spend hours sat on his own gaming or watching films. If we have planned to do something, for example shopping, he will do it but it is very clear he has a timeframe in his head for how long it should last and if it goes on any longer you can see him getting more and more agitated and frustrated. So there is no room to say “Let’s stop for a coffee?” or “Could we stop at another shop?” because that wasn’t part of the ‘plan’.

He also has a timeframe in his head for how long he will listen to other people. So he will talk (for ages) about his day and then when it comes to my day he literally will look at his watch and say when he’s heard enough (after about one minute).

I understand when you say that he seems to save up his interpersonal skills for other people. My DH has to listen to people at work and therefore doesn’t have the tolerance when he comes home. I get that to a certain extent but it means other people don’t see the true him as he is almost being someone else in their company. Most recently my DH was talking about one of his colleagues and what a hard time they are having, almost quite empathic about it. Totally ignores the fact that I am going through something similar to his colleague! It is really hard to bear. You are in good company here.

[quote Rozziie]@AspergersWife God, he sounds just like my ex. He also used to manufacture huge rows before trips and say he wasn't going to come. At the time I blamed myself but now I see that it was just a control thing. I barely even remember what one row was about...something ridiculous and tiny that most people would have got past. He said he wasn't going to go on the holiday and I'd have to go alone. I managed to persuade him to come with me but then of course, the entire time he was horrible and said 'I told you I didn't want to come', which of course left me begging and pleading and being on my very best behaviour so as not to aggravate him further. We had one nice day and a lovely evening where we were getting along really well and then...boom....another huge argument out of nowhere. It's like he had to make me feel constantly on edge and unbalanced. He didn't want me to feel safe and secure and loved. So toxic.[/quote]
This too. Not even for long trips but before anything like a day out or even just going somewhere for a few hours. There will always be something that causes him to blow up and threaten not to go. Once we got to a place and we had walked 20 seconds from the car when I asked if I could have the key to go back and get the coats. This led to an outburst because in his mind I was saying that he’d forgotten them when I hadn’t - I’d literally just asked for the keys because I wanted to get them! This is how his mind works. He cant take anything that can be perceived as criticism in any way. This happens most times we go out somewhere. He then refuses to go and I’m left almost begging him because it’s unfair on the DC. It’s so tiring.

@lonelycat Other posters will be able to give you advice on information you might be able to collect. NI number? Marriage certificate? Other documents? Not having this information doesn’t stop you getting advice from a solicitor about a divorce though. Anyone can seek advice. They must deal with many, many people who don’t hold financial information like this.

@UmbrellaInAugust

Oh *@lonelycat* I hear you.

My DH will spend hours sat on his own gaming or watching films. If we have planned to do something, for example shopping, he will do it but it is very clear he has a timeframe in his head for how long it should last and if it goes on any longer you can see him getting more and more agitated and frustrated. So there is no room to say “Let’s stop for a coffee?” or “Could we stop at another shop?” because that wasn’t part of the ‘plan’.

He also has a timeframe in his head for how long he will listen to other people. So he will talk (for ages) about his day and then when it comes to my day he literally will look at his watch and say when he’s heard enough (after about one minute).

I understand when you say that he seems to save up his interpersonal skills for other people. My DH has to listen to people at work and therefore doesn’t have the tolerance when he comes home. I get that to a certain extent but it means other people don’t see the true him as he is almost being someone else in their company. Most recently my DH was talking about one of his colleagues and what a hard time they are having, almost quite empathic about it. Totally ignores the fact that I am going through something similar to his colleague! It is really hard to bear. You are in good company here.

Hi umbrellainaugust, thank you.

Yes same re the timeframe. If we go to the shops together I’m ‘allowed’ to go into a shop to get something, but only for the thing I want, I’m not able to browse for anything else. Pre marriage he seemed to happily go shopping with me, he encouraged it in fact!

There is no timeframe for hearing about me. If I’m ill, he doesn’t ask how I am. I’ve been told I’m pathetic for even mentioning I’m unwell. In the past I’ve been told I need emergency surgery and there has been no emotional support whatsoever. Practical yes - he’s great with practical things.

[quote UmbrellaInAugust]@lonelycat Other posters will be able to give you advice on information you might be able to collect. NI number? Marriage certificate? Other documents? Not having this information doesn’t stop you getting advice from a solicitor about a divorce though. Anyone can seek advice. They must deal with many, many people who don’t hold financial information like this.[/quote]
Thank you.

I've posted on DW misinterpreting before it's infuriating, but she has taken it to a whole other level. DW also often says something quite different from what she means, so the misinterpreting is now two way. She often means something different or at least tangential to what she says. It's like she has the wrong word translator in her head.

As an added bonus she is also contrasuggestive, again particularly with me, my theory is that any idea that isn't already her own she will fundamentally disagree with.

All in all, it means virtually every conversation ends in frustration at best and blazing rows when she insists on saying no to everything and misinterpreting what I am saying and then as in the above posts taking everything as a personal insult. It drains the life out of me.

lonely I was trapped for a very long time. My heart goes out to you.

He may have all the information but it's worth seeing a solicitor.

I am very, very grateful for the huge stroke of luck that means I am now divorced. But the damage done by being blocked and torn down at every opportunity is immense. I do hope you can get out from his presence and heal.

I wonder how catmaiden is doing.

@lonelycat I’m glad you found this thread and I hope it gives you some support. The misunderstanding is one of the main things that I find so frustrating, every conversation seems to end in an argument where he has misinterpreted what I said and if I try and correct him if he’s said something I think is wrong, it’s always taken as a personal dig, it really is exhausting. The other main thing for me is the not totally having any interest in me as a person but now because I arrange things independently of him with friends he gets indignant about it but would never want to do the things I’m doing with my friends anyway. He is also a different person at work, he’s working from home and I can hear him chatting to his team, asking them about holidays, being interested in them but when it comes to me there’s no real interest. Then he says why am I lovely to everyone else and not to him! He has no idea that actually my friends make the effort with me and actually listen which is something he’s never really done but expects me to be really interested when he talks about something. I get the shopping thing too, if we go out we will go to shops independently as he would never wait around in a shop while I was browsing, he would just get more and more irritated which would stress me out. We also have to agree on how long we are going to be before leaving. It’s just all so tiring and when I’m with other people without him and it’s stress free, I realise how bloody draining it is being with him.

I think that SOME (but by no means all) people with Aspergers/ ASC/ ASD (call it what you will) have problems with recognising their partner as a separate person, ie not part of themselves, so they can’t understand why you might want to see friends that they don’t like, why you might want to follow interests apart from them, do things like browsing in shops that they don’t enjoy, have beliefs that they don’t.
This may be why when you want to chat about your day, he’s not interested, because it’s not about him, this is certainly the case with my husband.

My husband hid most of this behaviour while we were going out and living together, playing the devoted partner, but almost immediately we were married, dropped any semblance of interest in me as a person.
We’ve been married 15 years now, together 21, and both mid 60’s. He has no idea who I am, what I like, what I believe in, what my politics are - he thinks that I agree with him on everything, because in his head we are the same person.

Try to avoid generalisations here, we are watched and posts are reported and taken down at times. If you’ve got a day or three to spare, read all the threads from the beginning - it’s an eye opener.

and for us all and an unmumsnetty xx

The misunderstanding and I think, is again often due to the inability to recognise your “separateness“.
My husband usually has a script in his head (so he’s told me!) of how a conversation is going to pan out, he also thinks I know what he’s thinking (because of course we are not separate people). So when that conversation doesn’t go as planned he gets annoyed.

An example the other day, I was upstairs putting washing away, came down and an oven dish was thrust under my nose....
Him: is this big enough?
Me: for what?
Him: IS THIS BIG ENOUGH?
Me: please don’t shout at me, is it big enough for what?
Him: I shouted because you OBVIOUSLY couldn’t hear me, for the chicken pie.
Me: ah yes, the chicken pie you’re planning to make sometime next week, which hasn’t been mentioned for a week or so, how on earth would I know what you meant?

And on it goes. And yes it’s draining, and exhausting.

@Bluebellforest1 I can totally relate to that. DW cannot understand why I would feel differently to her. We share so much why wouldn't I feel exactly the same as her? I cannot remember the last time we spoke out our relationship, about lives together, about our future. If I ever try to explain I am unhappy, or that the she behaves, or the things she says upset me, it is me who is being mean and nasty. We have no intellectual, emotional, physical or sexual intimacy.

@Daftasabroom
“We have no intellectual, emotional, physical or sexual intimacy.”

Same here.