Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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Wishing you strength @AspergersWife Your needs count too.

@oneranksenior I guess it is our DHs way of controlling a situation. They say nothing. They watch you act. They think they hold the strings. What they don’t remember is that you have a mind of your own and you have free will, entirely unconnected with them. They believe we are an extension of them.
I wish I had the means to simply walk out.

My DH says the same about holidays. When we go on holiday he has to have an angry fit the week before where he always threatens not to go. I say fine. He always goes. He always has a good time. Then later on he will claim he never wanted to go, didn’t enjoy it, that I forced him into it and he never wants to go again. I often think he just enjoys trying to hurt me. Then I think it is actually all about control. It’s probably both.

I wonder what would happen if you told him you were going on holiday? My DH would totally expect me to include him despite the fact that a week before he had said he hated our holidays. His words are meaningless. I have lost count of the number of times he has said he doesn’t want to do something, so I arrange to go with someone else, then he asks why he hasn’t been invited. Because he said he didn’t want to go! He doesn’t seem to realise that what he says has an impact. A negative, damaging impact.

Good luck with the declutter. It makes you feel a bit lighter doesn’t it?

UmbrellainAugust that is interesting about control. DH used to treat me like a substitute 'mummy'. Saying "you didn't tell me I needed to do that" I always had to think for him and give very precise instructions - it drove me mad!! So I've always been in control and now I'm not, although as you say I control my own destiny. I'm the one clearing the house and talking to the solicitor! Holidays were compartmentalized, he did family, him + me and friends holidays. Ludicrously one time he went on a friends (male + female) holiday and then I went there to join him for a him + me holiday straight after. The friends were all people we both worked with! Holidays were the only time without an excuse not to talk, such as a newspaper, TV and now his laptop and bloody phone. He was typing away furiously on his laptop earlier. I looked it was about a Bridge (card game) technicality.....

@oneranksenior Having to think for partners is a recurring theme on this thread…

I still think that coming out with statements such as wanting to split up is an attempt to control a situation they don’t like. It certainly stops conversation doesn’t it?!

While most people would be able to simply disagree or perhaps not like it but go with it anyway, my DH has to react in such a drastic way that the fallout is absolute chaos.

If the bridge game issue was the thing your DH was reacting to, then perhaps it was because he didn’t want to tell all his bridge friends that they needed to find a new venue. My DH gets incredibly tied up in knots about what people think of him. He has to be ‘the good guy’ and he wants people to think he is great. Maybe the prospect of changing bridge venue made him think he would lose some kind of authority or respect from the group? We had a similar issue once one Christmas. My DH’s work was holding a huge party and I didn’t want to go (I was recovering from surgery). He threatened to divorce me that night because of it. He said ‘What is everyone going to think if I turn up without you?’ No-one would have given two hoots but it really got to him that he might have to explain that. And what other people might think.

Is there something about the wills that is making him feel uneasy? Does he not want to consider his own demise? It’s pretty common for people to react in strange ways when talking about death…either yours or their own!

UmbrellainAugust control is usually achieved my him not replying, or walking out of the room. The dropping of a bomb-shell like this is unusual.
What may have changed him from being in agreement with updating the wills was the visit of an estate agent to value our house. The valuation was required on the questionnaire the solicitor sent us to find out our financial situation. I was open with the EA saying the valuation was just for interest we had no intention to sell, (he said selling would be such a wrench - YES sadly), we spoke about modernisations a buyer could make and what our neighbours had done. DH was working in the next room and got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was going to make all these improvements and was going to sell the house??
DH has a serious health condition but is in denial, when he was called for his Covid jab early he couldn't understand why.
I feel sorry for our DD being stuck in this limbo. She knows what her father is like but this is the first time he has done something so cruel which affects her.
People have a very different impression of DH outside the domestic situation. One colleague of his described him as Superman and said he couldn't understand how he could do all those mountain walking trips while being a husband and father. I said because I did it all......
Bridge has caused aggressive outbursts when I learnt to play because "I'm too stupid to play Bridge". Recently he was driving and pulled into a petrol station and just sat there in the driving seat before admitting he forgotten how to fill the car with petrol. DH has a very high impression of himself.....I don't share that view!
Your Christmas party outburst shows a lack of confidence and is also very cruel, he should have been extra kind to you, post-op and missing a party and it was Christmas!!!

Oh goddess, so much of this is SO resonant with my lived experiences.

"D" H is SO inflexible, as is DD. I'm sorting out my exit plan, tbh.

"Unable to speak to the binmen to ask if they will take an extra item of rubbish for us
Unable to get a new tyre as he ''doesn't know what to say''
Unable to collect food shop as he ''doesn't know what to say''
Refuses to conform to general rules - e.g. wearing seatbelt/face mask
Gets extremely frustrated at airports when he feels he is being asked to show his passport unnecessarily/he feels a process is unnecessary and he cold design it better. Airports have always been an issue for him.
Generally cannot speak to anyone he doesn't know
Needs a drink to be social
Going to the pub only serves the purpose to get drunk, no point going if you're not going to get drunk
Walks off without waiting for me and the kids - he can be 5 mins ahead of us on hols as he doesn't know we have stopped to look in shops
Doesn''t wait for me to get out of the car at the supermarket - he is off and I am playing catch up
No planning/thinking ahead EVER
Generally awkward in social situations
Went and sat on the shed floor when my mate turned up while he was trying to secure a water leak under the sink - his excuse was that he was in dirty clothes and didn't want to be seen
Poor loser when he plays sports
Is unable to EVER make a decision for himself
Defers to me a lot
Lazy
Gamer (he is 45)
Says week-ends are for doing nothing (we have 2 kids)
No self pride/care"

Sorry if the quote is long, but me, I relate to this edited list. But it's me, not the partner.

@SaharaFlower At least you recognise it! My DH does many of those things too. He recognises a few, does not recognise most of it and has absolutely no clue at all what the impact on me might be.

@oneranksenior Do you think that him getting the wrong end of the stick about selling the house may have caused this reaction? Instead of simply communicating with you about his fears he has just gone all out to saying ‘Let’s split up’. Like a coping mechanism for something that feels too huge to contemplate?

My DH also gives everyone the impression that he is all-capable. He can’t cope with things like holidays but will be quick to tell everyone afterwards how much he enjoyed it because, I guess, it makes him feel ‘normal’. So the same holiday which he has effectively threatened to divorce me over becomes something he will almost boast about to colleagues. It’s as though he’s leading a double life.

I am utterly drained of spending my time seeking to understand why he reacts the way he does to things. It’s exhausting. He said the other day that he couldn’t help it: ‘It’s the autism’. Yes, I’m sure it is but it just leads from one mess into another mess with little learning between messes.

At the moment he is seeking to ‘do something good with his life’ because he feels he has made a mess of things so far. This fills me with dread because doing something good will be something he sees as good for him but will most definitely not be positive for me. Consequences are not considered.

I’m sorry you are in this position with your relationship and house @oneranksenior but I actually applaud you for taking your DH at his word and following it through. If your DH is anything like my DH though he won’t see he has caused this to happen. Somehow it will become your choice to do this.

However painful it is, this may be the start of a new life for you if you follow it through. Wishing you strength.

UmbrellainAugust I think the mistaken idea that I was selling the house may have been the trigger. I couldn't sell the house anyway without his consent, unless I had gone through the divorce process and that's what the judgement was. To use a MN phrase I am getting my ducks in a row. I have no more intention now than I had before the bomb-shell, of instigating divorce and selling up, but at least by clearing out the clutter of the last 30 years and sorting myself out financially (working out my expenditure/living costs, my pensions, when I will retire etc.) I will be ready if he makes the next move. There is no way he is getting the easy way out with a consensual and amicable split. I certainly feel better than I did this time last week, talking in real life and on MN has been the reason for this. Thank you

Umbrella: Women with Aspergers can be different than men. I recognise my limits, but change is very difficult. We can need help with daily things.

@oneranksenior Do you think it is likely he might initiate divorce proceedings? I don’t! It’s incredible how him getting the wrong end of the stick about the house sale has led to this. It’s like he felt you were dropping a bombshell so went that bit further…

I agree, good idea to declutter and organise yourself. At least that way you are prepared for any further bombshells. When this has happened to me it’s the shock that has disabled me. It puts you at a disadvantage. It gets to the point they can’t shock you any more though. And by being prepared and decluttered you are ready for anything.

Good for you.

@SaharaFlower Change is difficult for sure. I guess it’s whether we internalise that or go on to make it difficult for those around us. And there’s different levels of ‘difficult’ isn’t there? There’s being anxious and worrying a lot / low mood then there is behaviour which is abusive and damaging to people you care about.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s so valuable and I hope you are doing ok.

@UmbrellaInAugust : I think with AS, there isn't a specific intent of making it difficult for others. We find it hard to understand why people feel that way. There are different levels, you're correct. With abuse, that becomes difficult, because it is very much intent. Too much stress can cause someone to lose control and it cannot be compared to not AS people.

I was in a big relationship for years and the stress made me lose control. He reacted violently to me; I wasn't able to behave in that way he wanted. This became abusive.

It is what you have tolerance for; not everyone can deal with AS people and that is ok. But many think actions are deliberate when they are not.

@SaharaFlower my DS1 is diagnosed, DW undiagnosed but clearly AS to everyone apart from herself.

In my experience interacting with the world can cause AS people significant anxiety, the anxiety can cause some difficult behaviours, those behaviours impact on those around them. As DW absolutely cannot recognise the effect her behaviour has, on me in particular, it has become exceptionally damaging. If she had any idea if the impact she has had she would be devastated but she cannot understand any body else's point of view.

I agree @Daftasabroom My DH really does try to do the right thing by other people. His struggles with interpersonal interactions means he often can’t see their motives or understand what is appropriate. The impact this has had on our lives is shocking. There is very little learning from the things that have gone wrong either. It may not carry intent to be abusive but that’s the end result. And yes I agree anxiety and social awkwardness lies at the root of it all. It’s sad for him but I sometimes feel that I’m the one who bears the impact.

Oh my lord @AspergersWife @UmbrellaInAugust @SpringCrocus @oneranksenior

You have all described my life. Ducks in a row, ducks in a row

@UmbrellaInAugust DW has a need for control yet an absolute terror of responsibility, (because she normally gets the wrong end of the stick and screws up horribly) this has lead to something I've termed "passive control". So she tries to dominate any and every situation by just not even offering an positive opinion.

Shall we do X, nah
What about "y", nah
"Z" looks great? Nah
So what do you want? "Don't know, you find something"
This extends to everything from "what shall we have for dinner" to "which country should we live in".

@Daftasabroom
Oh yes!

@Daftasabroom : I think my exes made a similar claim.

@Daftasabroom : This is like many conversations within relations that I have.

"Shall we do X, nah
What about "y", nah
"Z" looks great? Nah
So what do you want? "Don't know, you find something"
This extends to everything from "what shall we have for dinner" to "which country should we live in".

Yes @UmbrellaInAugust H will often seem the 'hero' in situations as he has the desire to impress others. But then will swing to the other extreme where he cares not a jot for anyone. Today we had DD's birthday, so he was giving 150% performance parenting in front of others, yet a week ago ignored my mum after she babysat for us, walked right by her to go upstairs without a word of thanks or even a 'goodbye'. It's exhausting.

Good luck @oneranksenior from my experiences, the split would never happen if I just ignored it. It's only this time because I tried to leave a few weeks ago that the idea has been in his mind as an easy 'out'.

@Bluebellforest1 I am attempting to get ducks in a row, have been doing so a while. We have to endure a week long family holiday soon but after that I think he'll basically just stay packed, he has a relative's flat he can stay at so I'm hoping he just goes there. Is there a complete list of 'ducks' anywhere that MN use to get organised?

@AspergersWife
There is a list, not sure where, try legal/ divorce and separation/ relationships. Search “ ducks in a row”
Basically get documents like birth/ marriage / divorce certificates, pensions info, P60’s, bank account details, work info, NI number, all utilities, passports, driving license, car insurance, life insurance...I’m sure there’s more.
Stay strong x

Thanks @Bluebellforest1 I'll try when I'm on the laptop, my phone searches never work on MN for some reason! I have most of the stuff you mentioned at my mum's already and honestly I don't think it would occur to H to look as he has really has no clue where our life admin stuff is anyway!

He's being so jolly right now, like we are best buds. To be honest, I think we both probably feel a lot lighter now. I don't think he realises just how much his day-to day life will change when he's no longer living here so I imagine his good mood won't last when reality crashes in

@Daftasabroom Agree.

Ours goes:

Shall we do X, nah
What about "y", nah
"Z" looks great? Nah
So what do you want? "Don't know, you find something"

I find something. It’s booked, it’s planned. Day before / morning of:

“I never wanted to do this. This is all your idea. You are putting me under pressure to do something I don’t want to do. I’m quite happy staying at home. You always want to do stuff. It puts me under pressure and you always end up getting your own way”…