Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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I don't -know- most of what happens at their father's house. I barely hear anything, and I'm afraid of what might happen tbh.

Constant worry, isn't it.

@ljsbear you do seem to be taking quite practical action which is admirable. I’ve become quite tough around DS. I don’t care which adult feelings or ego I hurt, including DH, DS comes first.

I have told him straight that I feel him lying or hiding about what he does with DS is not on and is a safeguarding issue. Because it is. DH says ‘on my time I can do what I want and it’s none of your business’. It is the one thing I will not budge on, the hill I will die on! It absolutely is my business what DS does and how it affects him. I’ve given up a lot of my life to be honest to care for him, (as in job, career, finance) and I’ll be damned if DH mucks him up! He refused point blank for a good while to even recognise he was autistic.

It stops being your business the day your lad stops being your son.

The problem is there is -nothing- I can do to get ex to listen. I keep it practical, but I'll breathe a lot easier when the children are able to look after themselves.

It’s a tough worry isn’t it, because it is a good thing to care for children and have their wellbeing at heart. Yet at separation it is frowned upon to ‘be too bossy’ whilst at the care of the other parent. And it’s quite hard to criticise the father. I never wanted to be in a position of judging DH’s parenting either, and have in the past just stood back, but every time I did, some safety risk or regression or ‘forgetting’ to get DS to drink (he won’t unless we remind him) happened. And my heart would sink.

What is particularly fustrating is that DH is a great father in so many ways. However when on his own, he seems to need outside input and he will follow the lead of any female family member. His own natural way is pretty good. His female family members have no idea about DS and that is where the problem lies.

Ouch. a pity he's so reliant on them and not on you :(

We have a family diary, necessary when the children were growing up, school events, clubs etc.
We all have smart phones to recorded our personal events, children are grown up.
A(spergers)H simply doesn't talk, but records what he's doing in the family diary. It has really annoyed me in the past when he records "AH on holiday" ie going away for a week or 2 without discussing it with me.
What if I just don't buy a diary for next year?
I rarely use it myself, just to record important things I really mustn't neglect to do such as getting the car MOT'd. All family/domestic chores are my responsibility, I run everything. I have a ToDo list I could use for everything.
It may seem petty, it won't help him communicate like an adult. It's just an idea I'm rather taken with.........

Hi all, I stepped away for a while to try and gather myself but have been following. I hope you are all doing ok. There is some great advice here.

The fears about your ex and your vulnerable child really struck a chord @Ijsbear that's my greatest fear. That's why I'm sticking it out, til the kids can look after themselves more. I was ill yesterday and H forgot to feed the pets, left the dog all night without water, forgot to give DS his medication, and various other things I feel are important. I can't leave them to his devices.

A few weeks ago I told H I was done, it's over. Then I did the maths and UC is not enough to support us, so told him I changed my mind. He thinks it's because I don't want to be alone! Laughable. I'm so alone now I don't know why he thinks that would bother me. I told him I don't want the kids growing up in 2 financially strained homes, and we agreed to give it our all to work on things.

I realised that when I am financially able to support the children is when I can leave him. I work only part time and am SE so until I have a fixed income it's not fair for me to walk away. I grew up dirt poor and will do anything to have my kids live a better life than that. If that means sacrificing my happiness for a while longer, so be it.

I've been speaking to a therapist weekly and H and I have still been seeing the couples counsellor. It's going ok, but feels so fake. He can say all the right things in front of her but in our daily life he's still as shit as ever. Plus it always falls on me to book the appointment, make the payment, lead the discussion. It's just another thing where I am in the lead and another load of mental chores for me.

Last night we watched the football, we've watched all the England matches together and though I don't usually follow football it's been fun, and near the end H was texting frantically. Then announces he's watching the next match on a big screen in town. I said 'oh right, something we could go to together then?' 'Well the table is full now, it's only 6 people allowed. I suppose I could tell X he can't come. I thought you wouldn't want to come...'

I just fell silent, totally disappointed. To put it into context, he knows I'm wanting to go out to socialise. This has been a huge issue for us. I've asked him several times to plan a meal out for us, or at least give me a date when I can organise a babysitter. I've expressed interest in joining him in a new hobby. Shortly before he told me about the match, I'd just said 'I'm not an avid fan but wow the atmosphere must be amazing, I'd love to watch this at the stadium or IN A CROWD'. (!!!)

After a while he says 'actually you know what, you should come. We've watched all the matches together.' I just said 'nah you're ok.' Piss off. I do not want to be a fucking afterthought. It's healthy to do things with friends, but as always he does NOTHING with me so to make plans with mates is a slap in the face.

Following my therapist advise I am 'sitting on it' and allowing myself to process the feelings, breaking it down for myself before even thinking about expressing it to H. I probably won't say anything to him in the end, because what's the point? But I think these are reasons why it got to me:

1. Clearly he is capable of spontaneity (when footy and his male friends are involved) but usually says he can't cope with sudden plans involving being out of the house

1. He hasn't taken on board anything I've said about the football atmosphere, or going out, sharing an interest etc

1. There was no discussion as to if that night was good for me to stay with the kids, it was just assumed I'd be at home

1. There was no question in his mind to even ask me for my company at all. It was just assumed I wouldn't be interested, despite me saying the exact opposite

1. Clearly he is able to make plans and get organised - for his interest. When it's something for me (e.g. cinema, meal) he's incapable of forward planning

There's probably other elements too, but no doubt he'll just say I'm being controlling about his time or his friendships or 'I never go out, why is it such a big deal?' Sometimes I despise him and his attitudes so much I want to explode with the unfairness of it all. Then I remember my job is the peacemaker and think of the kids and paste on my fucking Stepford smile and go back to being the quiet little wife getting on with it.

Aspwergerswife .....

I think all of us here get it, the sheer bloody extreme hard work of it. IN the end what helped me was detaching emotionally. Expecting nothing and being ready to deal with the problems every day .. but it was a terrible way to live.

But it was a grim long haul. Someone said to me, cultivate your friendships outside the marriage because you can get there what you can't get what you quite legitimately need inside (that's not code for sexual infidelity btw, just in case!). It did help.

Thinking of you.

@AspergersWife I could have written every word of your post. It is so hurtful. My DH manages to arrange events and evenings with friends but cannot make a booking for us. So I have stopped doing it. And what I do now is arrange things with friends so if there is a film I want to see or a restaurant I want to go to I arrange to do it by myself. That’s the only thing that seems to make him sit up and take notice. He is left behind at home while I get on and do the things I wanted to do.

Pets not getting water / food? Ditto.

I’m sorry you are going through this too.

@Ijsbear my friends have advised similar about getting needs met from other friendships - although one said I should definitely 'take a lover' he has an open marriage though so his view is very different to mine. I wouldn't do that'll H as I've always felt strongly that cheating is not necessary - just be honest, break up first and then move on. However now I've lived like this I do wonder if down the line I'd be tempted. I've never had thoughts of an affair, but if your life partner does not want to have sex, spend time together, be affectionate, then I can see why people would. Right now the thought of meeting a man who takes an interest in me and actively seeks to spend time with me seems very attractive. I'm not going to do anything like that but I also can't help but wonder if I'm wasting my time on a man who doesn't know I'm even alive and perhaps I'd be better looking for a new relationship that can fulfil me before too many more years go by and I'm ground down into dust.

I spoke to H about the feelings that came up over the football thing. Basically his defence is that I 'hate' football (I don't) and that he associates football with fun, friends and relaxing. If I was there, I'd cause him anxiety and tension and his brain doesn't associate me with doing fun things. Lovely. Also that when I have been watching matches with him 'most of the time I don't know what's going on at any point of the game' (I do) Basically I felt like he was implying I'm clueless/stupid and according to him I say things like 'that was lucky' when in actual fact it was a very skilled shot (I don't say anything like that, I never really comment because he's so focussed on the match). So there we are. In opening up about my feelings I got rejected, insulted and put down. This is what happens every single time I try to be honest. I certainly won't be attempting to watch any further matches with him or making an effort to find common ground or support his interests, fuck that right off.

I pointed out I'm still hurting from all the stuff with his game addiction and the other woman, and in my opinion he should be pulling out all the stops to prove to me he is 100% in our marriage and loves me. I'm essentially waiting for him to take the lead and plan something for us, to spend time with me, and he acted like he had no idea. Despite this being something that comes up regularly. Apparently both me and our couples counsellor have misinterpreted him saying 'I want her to be happy, I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy' etc etc and he actually doesn't mean that he will go out, be social with me, or attempt to go back to our pre-covid lifestyle even though those are things I'm asking for. So as usual, words have been twisted round to suit his narrative. Btw what we used to do was essentially cinema once every 1-2 months, maybe the odd meal out together, nothing huge so I don't think I'm expecting too much. He now says he doesn't think he can do it. And if he messes up again we should probably 'knock it on the head.' I said that is fine by me, but I'm not planning to leave now while the kids are so young and I just want to know the truth. If he tells me he never, ever wants to go out again or spend time with me again, fine - I will decide how long I can accept that for. I just need the honesty so I'm not living with a false hope. If he can present his limitations such as 'I can cope with work and cope with the kids but I cannot cope with dates/sex/conversation/affection' then at least I know what to expect. What I can't accept is this false narrative of 'I'm trying, I want to make you happy blah blah' but nothing actually ever changing. But he said he will 'try harder to make a plan for us' and to 'leave it with him.' So I know this script - I will leave it with him and when 2, 3, 4 weeks/months have gone by I'll remind him about it, ask where is our cinema trip or meal out, and he'll act like he never said that and I'm imagining it or lying, and we'll be back at square one. I wish he would stop giving me these little crumbs of hope and just tell me straight up. Mentally I need to tell myself what I know, but hearing the words always makes me think 'just one more chance...'

I wish he would stop giving me these little crumbs of hope

I think lovely you know that these crumbs of hope are false.

"when you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got".

The pattern of his interactions is very deep laid.

I do know they are false. I need to stop believing in those words, right now, I want to stop the delusion. I wish he'd be honest with himself and me enough to actually admit it. I'm following your advice @Ijsbear and the others who have said this before, I'm not waiting for him any more. I'll make my own plans and view him as nothing more than a lodger. When I'm financially independent I won't need that lodger any more.

it's almost as hard to live detached as it is to live when you keep hoping for a warm relationship. Keep those outside friendships strong.

Strength, lovely.

@AspergersWife I really feel your pain. My DH says he wants to spend more time with me but does absolutely nothing to make that happen. I can count on one hand things he has arranged for us during our long marriage. For a while that was fine as I was happy to do the arranging but not any more. He is often saying ‘We should go there’ or ‘We should do that’ but more because he thinks that equates to proving that he wants to do things. However that’s where it stops. Once upon a time I would have run around organising it for us. Not any more. If I want to do something I organise it with a friend. He is starting to realise that he is doing nothing except gaming all weekend but even that gets interpreted as being my fault because I ‘haven’t wanted to spend time with him’. Not true. I’m just not going to organise anything for us.

He knows he wouldn’t get away with this with friends. He thinks he can with me.

I posted on this thread previously. I am currently on holiday with DH, 2 teenagers and DH’s elderly parents. I really think I am done now. I have been hoping for years the situation will get better but I just can’t do this anymore. I have withdrawn so much from DH now, even my DD (who is 13) said to me this isn’t a normal relationship! Both DCs complain DH never listens to them or helps them in anyway. My DD said she can’t ever remember doing anything nice with DH, just the two of them and it breaks my heart, she’s even started saying to me that I deserve better! If we split and DH wasn’t around absolutely nothing would change for me & DCs (except for money) as even when he is here he isn’t present. He is always living in his own head. He is miserable, he sucks the life out of every situation. I have had to organise everything this holiday, like I knew I would, but it is so draining. I never feel like I’ve got another responsible adult with me. He misinterprets everything I say and takes it as a personal dig. I am always more stressed when I’m with him than just being by myself, I have wanted to end it for years but kept hoping things would get better. It will never change and now the children are noticing and I’m starting to join in with their moaning about him which I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t hold it in anymore. I feel like I can’t actually say the words out loud to him and don’t want to upset him because I think he is oblivious to how I feel but I really am done, I’ve had years of being the only available parent, I’ve organised every day out, every birthday, every holiday, every school thing, the entire children’s lives, I don’t think he’s ever arranged anything ever. He’s not a bad person and he really can’t see it, I’ve got some great friends and have done lots of things with them over the years but being in this relationship has sucked the life out of me and it’s a very lonely place to be.

Can anyone give me insight into an Asperger's mind?
I've had a week from hell. Last Saturday completely out of the blue DH said he wanted to split up. I'd previously raised updating our wills as the DCs are adults now and asked if he was ready to have a meeting with the solicitor. He replied there wasn't any point as he wanted to leave, to rent somewhere and for ME to sell the house we've lived in for 30 years!
Since then he has carried on as normal, WFH, reading the paper, going out for walks, playing bridge, even wearing his wedding ring.
I have been consulting and being consoled by friends, making appointments with solicitors, not sleeping, not eating.
DH hasn't told our DCs, one still lives at home. I've spoken to both as obviously it's a very significant event, particularly for the one at home.
I don't want to raise it with DH until I have spoken to a solicitor. I want to know my legal position. I'm here sorting out cupboards as selling is a mammoth task and I have to do something.
DH is asleep, he'll spend the day gazing at his laptop (no sign he's flat hunting) then he'll go to watch football.
My question is what's going on in his mind? Has he just dumped all this on me and compartmentalized if you know what I mean?

@oneranksenior

I am so sorry to read this. That is exactly kind of thing my DH does. Drops a bombshell which is devastating to me then acts as though nothing has happened.

My only explanation is avoidance. Something happened or you says something (the wills) that he can’t deal with or process. So he reacts by avoiding the situation by saying ‘I want us to split up’. No warning, no preparation, no discussion.

My DH has done this several times during our relationship. The first time I took him at his word and moved out. It turned out he didn’t really want that and was cross that I had made plans without consulting him. He could not see the link between cause and effect - ie. tell someone you want a divorce or want to leave them and they will make plans for themselves. Couldn’t see that at all.

In the heat of the moment, when feeling under pressure whether it is about wills, holidays, whatever, he would throw a hand grenade in to the situation. In my view it’s about them trying to take control.

@oneranksenior PM me if you want.

for you.

@oneranksenior I have experienced this several times. In fact the most recent was last weekend. Since then he's not looked for houses, as he said he would, but has in fact carried on as normally, actually being more chatty than usual, and talking about future plans. It is bizarre, but didn't shock me as I was half expecting it. The patten for us is, I tell him the truth of how I'm feeling and bam he doesn't love me and it's over. A week later he's back to pretending it was never said.

UmbrellainAugust I raised the wills when DS was visiting mid June. Estate planning is for all the family to know and agree to. DH agreed but obviously it was up to me to do it. So in the meantime has something happened to make such a drastic step? The only disagreement has been about the second day of DDs first job, he had invited his noisy Bridge cronies to our house. They play noisily late into the night in the room under DDs bedroom. She suffers from insomnia so I suggested to DH one of the others could host that week. He wasn't please with a change to his schedule. Perhaps he wants a flat where he won't have to compromise? Losing an amenable housekeeper who does all the domestic work and admin, a live in daughter, a lovely house and have a substantial pension is quite a price!

Half a substantial pension! How do Aspergers think? I've spent the week talking to friends who have divorced, reading divorce threads on MN!, trawling the internet, next week it's solicitors. Has he thought of his future in a flat, with half the pension he'd otherwise have? Has he just dropped that bombshell and left the aftermath to me to deal with? Has he changed his mind but can't say?

As @AspergersWife says, it’s perhaps something, anything he doesn’t want to hear. So yes, maybe the Bridge night issue (which was a perfectly reasonable request from you) made him feel ‘I don’t want to be in this house any more’ and respond in a totally disproportionate fashion.

I too have experienced this. Might be me saying I was unhappy about something my DH was doing, making a ‘disparaging’ comment about something he is invested in…anything really…cue massive reaction intended to hurt me. My DH is unable to deal with a simple disagreement or conflict so what might usually be an exchange of a few cross words between us ends up in ‘I’m moving out and taking half the house’. No half measures.

It’s very draining and I really do empathise.

Has he mentioned it again @oneranksenior ?

@UmbrellaInAugust I'm actually taking it seriously this time. Usually I'd panic and stop doing/saying whatever it is he can't cope with (usually something emotion-related) and "behave" nicely until he "forgives" me and starts speaking to me again. I'll promise that I won't stress him out by having emotional conversations. I'd promise he can basically do whatever he wants, just to take the pressure off him. Pretty much beg him to stay and put his mental health over mine. Now I think, why does his desire not to engage whatsoever in simple conversation trump my basic human need for connection?

So I'm not having this treatment anymore. I'm worth so much more. Even if I never meet another man ever again, big fat zero interaction would be better than this draining, negative cycle. So this time I'm going to keep asking him what houses/flats he's found and how much child maintenance he'll be willing to pay. I've done my sums and I think even if gives me nothing, I am entitled to Universal Credit and can manage, just about. I'm not afraid of being on my own now. He's played these mind games, intentionally or not, just one too many times.

UmbrellainAugust Today was forecasted as rain all day. So I thought it would be good to do some de-cluttering. A couple of hours emptying cupboards of old magazines and kids papers, then another hour in the loft bring down stuff in bags for the dump. Not a word, not one bloody single work! I make a comment about the weather and he corrects me about the forecast. I did start to do through the last 20 years of family/domestic diaries pulling the pages off the spiral things. We have always lead pretty much a separate life. The main thing we did together was holidays and he told me last year he doesn't want to have that kind of holiday anymore....

@AspergersWife Quite right. I left the first time my DH did this. Took the rug out from under him. Wasn’t aware this was a pattern of behaviour he was going to repeat throughout our marriage every time something didn’t go his way. Wish I had never gone back.