Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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@HelpWendy I've been mystified about not being able to reach him and the more I try the further away he goes I've posted many times very similar things, either there's a thick wall of glass between us.

Regarding separation, as a man the situation is slightly different, if we were to separate DW would in all likelihood get custody and while in many ways she is a fantastic and caring parent she often fails at some of the basics like uniforms or clubs or parent teacher evenings. I think without me she would just not cope at all and ultimately the boys would suffer for it.

Thank you @Blossominspring2021 I agree it's easy to pretend things will be fine during the periods H is 'trying' and he can manage the big stuff, but the day to day reality is that actually the little details matter. He wants us to all have amazing exotic holidays but I want us all to have stable day to day lives. It's like he thinks because we aren't at a Disney park or something then nothing matters. He's not seeing the bigger picture.

So for our trip yesterday we had a conversation about remembering to put the ice blocks in the cool bag for our drinks. 2 mins after I asked H to bring the cooler to the car and put drinks next to the kids. He got the cool bag, shoved it mid-air wedged between the front central armrest and the back seats (where it was in the way and nobody could get at it), didn't put open drinks out for the kids and didn't put the ice blocks in. He just looked at me helplessly when I asked him.

I didn't say anything, but that's an example of how he looks like he's helping but in actuality it meant more jobs for me. I had to un-wedge the bloody thing, retrieve and open bottles of juice for each child and place them somewhere they could actually reach them, then go back in for the ice blocks, then find a space to fit the damn thing in the boot. Meanwhile H just sits there on his phone. I've of course packed everything else into the car already whilst micromanaging H, can you put the shoes in the boot, could you get a pack of wipes, maybe we'll need a bag for wet things - and so on. Exhausting.

Bearing in mind I planned and packed for me and the kids by myself, H then asks as we are setting off 'did you bring my swimming shorts?' I wanted to hit the roof by then! Erm no, you are a nearly 40 year old man, I packed swimming stuff for our 4 and 6 year olds as they can't do it themselves, but you are capable of packing 1 THING for yourself!!!! It's this total handover of any responsibility that pisses me right off. I am sure this past year of lockdowns has made it worse, I have always had to bear the brunt of organising and packing but was it always to the extent of this? Maybe it's worse, or maybe I'm just noticing more because I'm so irritated.

@AspergersWife God that sounds massively infuriating. I think many men are happy to sit back and let the wife/mum sort out everything and not take responsibility, but what you're experiencing is on a whole other level ime mainly because the prospect of him changing is minimal

Personally I also think kids learn that this is ok too...

Hi all, joining in here for a bit. My DH of 1.5 years has diagnosed Asperger's. I'm finding things very difficult just now, the loneliness in particular is cutting very deep to the point that I'm feeling a bit physically ill. Stress headaches etc. We have not had sex since our honeymoon. I feel torn and stupid because I knew all this before we married, his diagnosis, how he "is" and that he spends a lot of time alone, is no good at conversation unless it's something he wants to talk about otherwise there's no reciprocating or maybe just a "hmmm" end of conversation and isn't really into sex and I went ahead anyway, I thought I could handle it but it's more pronounced now, he used to be quite affectionate but now he just hides away at his computer all day unless I've made plans. Slurps his food and heads straight back up to his computer after finishing dinner. I get a hug from time to time if I ask and he's in the mood but sometimes he complains. He's very funny and interesting and can be kind and generous but it's a roommate situation and he often sleeps in the spare room or gets up during the night and goes in there. This is worse than being single but I thought then things were bad because nobody wanted me before. It's a thousand times worse having him right there and being ignored or rejected. It's like my brain is saying "he should be doing x, y z" because that's how a husband should act in terms of affection and emotional support and it doesn't happen and it's like a psychological knife to my heart and mind.

Things are made complicated by the fact that he's from overseas and currently here on a visa. I'm not sure what to do but I don't think I can handle this for the rest of my life if I feel this bad after living together just over a year. I feel like such a failure but I saw this coming, what an idiot! I don't think he can even travel to his home country just now so that's not an option. I feel bad for him because he's a good person it's just the way his brain is wired, he can't help it and has very little capacity for change. He knows that he's not a great husband, he's been married before and it went the same way, I feel really bad for him too but everything is so one sided I'm struggling.

Hi @Sunnidayz you sound like you are coping with a lot. You could be me except now I'm 10 years down the line, no job and 2 kids. No sex life, no conversation, no companionship. It is miserable and lonely. Read through all these threads, I did recently and it was eye opening.

Be careful with yourself right now and listen to your head not just your heart. Bear in mind this is only my opinion, but H was always 'when X happens, I'll do this.' 'When we move I'll do that.' 'When Y comes around, I'll be like that.' 'When we have kids I won't be obsessed with work/games/football, whatever.' And it never, ever changed for the better, and I took on more and more emotionally and mentally til the point where I don't know who I am. People around me didn't know the reality back then and persuaded me to keep trying. Now they see, and now they advise me to get out.

Have you tried discussions with your H, is he willing to try therapy? That's one of the reasons I stuck around so long because it felt like H really wanted to make progress and kept seeing therapists, but never did really change or see where I was coming from.

Thanks @AspergersWife. It's such a lonely path isn't it. We're not having kids (I didn't want them anyway but know I'd have to take care of them by myself if I did) so I don't have that to worry about but I just bought this house and I'm not sure what would happen if we split. I can pay for it myself but I'm not sure if he'd get half because we are married? He has a house back home that his mother lives in so he wouldn't be homeless or anything. I guess that's my main worry apart from the impact on us both, he has fragile mental health.

We've had counselling before - for another issue - but other things like sex was discussed too. Surprisingly he told the therapist during their one on one session that he wanted it too, and yet conditions are never there for sex to occur. He says he's too old or too fat. And I've given up trying because of the rejection. I get a grandma peck on the lips if he's in the mood and a weak hug.

He's willing to try therapy (I'd have to do the arranging of course because I end up doing all the life admin) but I don't know what difference it would make. Although the big issue we sought counselling for before was stopped, other things continue despite me telling him time and again "Please don't do this because x will happen" but of course he forgets or can't be bothered. So it might be throwing money away for nothing.

It's also difficult to discuss things because he gets defensive and reacts in an angry manner due to his high anxiety. So I tend to brush a lot of stuff under the carpet to keep things harmonious at home. Then he gets frustrated because we don't talk about things until it builds up and he has a meltdown but it's hard to do so because I get stressed out at his reaction.

My family have sussed him out anyway, due to me sharing a little of his odd behaviour and also them observing things themselves, eg him not helping me carrying items for storage when we were moving house, and him not asking after my sick family member. I have to tell them he doesn't mean it, it just doesn't occur to him. Sometimes he will help with things but other times he will get stressed out and annoyed, perhaps because he's busy with something else. He's a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character.

It's good to talk about these things, I can't really speak to friends about it, there's one I can confide in a little but others have their own stuff to contend with and it's too stressful for them to listen to my marital woes.

Is the house yours or are both your names on the deeds? I'm not 100% but when I was researching spitting a couple of years ago I'm sure that was the crux of the issue as to who would get what share.

H is the same with therapy - I have to do all our admin, so he'll turn up, put on the performance but nothing changes. We just had such an awkward couples' session, the therapist and H seemed to think it went well but I just wanted to walk away the more they talked, it was such a cringe fest once he began his performance and saying what he felt was the 'right' words. H also has anxiety along with depression, so the moment I want to discuss anything he makes me feel guilty, like I'm burdening him and says me talking 'exhausts' him. So we don't talk. Then in the session he was slating me for not telling him honestly how I felt and called me an 'enabler'. I think that was the point I switched off.

I got sick of making excuses for him to our family and friends. Often times he can keep the performance up, but sometimes he can't or won't, and says or does the most embarrassing things. I've realised I don't want to constantly be excusing him, I want a partner who knows how to behave politely in pubic. I also don't want my son growing up thinking that his autism gets him a free pass like Daddy's Aspergers does.

I originally never wanted marriage or children, but H convinced me. Then years after he told me he was sorry he'd tricked me into this life, he thought these were things everybody should do and at the time was continually 'masking' or 'mimicking' (how he describes trying to act NT) as a persona that would be a great dad. He knew all along how I felt about children, yet when it came to a further discussion after we were married suddenly decided it was a dealbreaker for him if I didn't want them. I have no idea why I didn't just divorce him then and there, but instead let myself be persuaded. I've been very weak and passive over the years and no idea why.

Are you trying to reach a decision at the moment, or just letting it all out?

The house is in my name, he couldn't get on the mortgage because he's on a visa (and he mentioned the possibility of divorce as a reason not to anyway!) so went for a cheaper house that I could afford (with some family help). So it's just my name on the deeds. But I wasn't sure if he was entitled to anything purely because we're married. He doesn't pay the mortgage as such but has been giving me £200 a month for other bills.

Like I said, he has his house overseas, I don't care about that but I don't want to lose my house either. I don't think he'd be interested but I'm not sure if lawyers would just say you need to split assets as a matter of course? I will need to look into it.

I'm sorry that the session didn't go well. Yes it seems to be just showing face and going along with whatever is asked/suggested but nothing coming of it, or being done for a short while then dropped. I'm not sure if he just forgets, he seems to do that a lot.

Is your therapist experienced with Asperger's? It's important that they are because otherwise it can make things worse if they don't understand the condition and how it manifests.

My H has a kid with his ex overseas, but he's never wanted kids and the noise and demands of a child stresses him out too much so he's fine in small doses, playing, hanging out etc but he tires quickly. But he gets like that ordinarily too, he's often napping or yawning and gets burnt out.

I'm wishing I'd split with him when we had some very stressful drama a few years back. But I was like a dog with a bone. Also his DM begged me to stay with him. I'm so good for him blah blah . I shouldn't have listened. But I didn't want to be alone as well. Now I feel more alone than ever.

I'm not sure what's happening yet but I'm not happy and it seems worse now that we have moved because it's a lovely quiet house and he just stays in front of the computer doing his thing. I'm just treading water just now trying to stay positive and keep busy and distracted. If anything happens it'll probably be next year assuming he can fly home then, and before we need to apply for another visa. But I just feel drained and sad and hopeless.

sunnidayz it's not your fault.You wanted it to work and it sounds like he made more of an effort before you were actually married. This is not a marriage though, it's barely a friendship from what you've said. Sorry that's really blunt, but honestly, will things improve?

For me, it was lonelier being in a relationship like that, than actually being single. But I totally get the fear. Do you have any friends locally you can talk to about this?

Yes the therapist is meant to be experienced with ASD but she also likes to see past the label and views us as 2 unique individuals which I do get. But at the same the Aspergers is such a huge part of H I do think it needs addressing. She doesn't seem to want to touch it yet, but it's early days. However I don't know how much longer to bother dragging it out for. She asked us to talk tonight, he agreed saying he felt 'enthusiastic' about communicating but once he was home from work he pretty much ignored me then went to bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do feel the same as you and as @colouringindoors says about being lonely. It's far lonelier this way. I keep thinking that if I wasn't stuck in this miserable half-marriage, would I be with anyone else or just enjoy being single and happy? It's lonelier knowing there's someone in the house who chooses not to be with me (or else has to be nagged into it) than just being completely alone. But up until I found this thread I've been totally unable to voice that feeling. H thinks because he's happy on his own, doing whatever, that nobody else should feel anything other than he does and I'm wrong for expecting more.

H sounds very similar to yours @Sunnidayz especially with the yawning and napping. H loves the idea of his kids, and when we discuss separating he's really passionate about wanting to see his kids everyday, but seeing them is about all he can manage - he can't really care for them or interact with them in a meaningful way. In pre-lockdown days could take them off to soft play for the afternoon and act the doting dad. In the past year he's just done nothing with them. He sits with them all watching screens and thinks that's an 'activity' or 'family time'. Or mostly he just falls asleep and they sit on him and watch tv. He absolutely blacks out and tunes them out, he could stay asleep through an earthquake. They climb all over him and he won't wake. They love it of course, and they idolise him. If I didn't insist on a daily weekend walk, he wouldn't have shifted his arse out of the house apart from to go to work since March 2020.

I have been thinking everything from this past year over a lot this week, lots of soul searching and trying to dig deep. The upshot for me is that I no longer trust him, and as a consequence I don't properly love him. I still don't think I've fully forgiven him for moving out last year, and I've not forgiven myself for letting him come back! What a bloody mess. I had tried hard to let it all go, he was doing well over the autumn, trying to stick to the 'if you move back in these are the rules' but then once that Jan lockdown hit he basically vanished from our lives again into the virtual world and stopped any pretence of trying. Now I'm just waiting for him to pull away again, and I've hardened myself in preparation. I can't see any way forward from here.

@AspergersWife oh I'm so sorry, it sounds like you've had a tough week. Trust for me is essential and was one of the factors in my decision. I can't love someone I don't trust or respect even if there's an ASD in the mix.

You will be ok in the end

The upshot for me is that I no longer trust him, and as a consequence I don't properly love him. That made me feel a bit emotional, you must be really feeling it @AspergersWife it is incredibly sad to be at the stage of wanting to end a marriage, that you’d really wanted to work. You have tried and tried. I agree I think the therapist seems to be taking things slow but even if she is treating you like unique individuals, without labels she could still be cutting to the core - on of which is how lonely you are, how much he just leaves you whilst he gets social and interest satisfaction from gaming - how the heavy lifting of parenting gets put entirely on your shoulders - and how he gives a little bit temporarily and then reverts back so you cannot trust his commitment to you.

Our experiences are so different aren’t they too, as well as being similar. DH is a very successful person, in all areas of his life. He’s ruthless - or in his words he just thinks of social relationships as a kind of maths equation or computer program (he’s a programmer). You put the right inputs in - you get outputs.

He has learnt that despite being painfully shy, geeky and socially inept when younger - and the girls shunning him - that his attractiveness has increased now he earns so well and has learnt what to say. He has a stock of phrases to send women that produce good ‘results’ (input = output). So to him, ending our marriage is OK because he will be better off if he does. He has money, he has social tools, and because he’s so good at his work now and hobbies, he has a bit of a following.

Of course that misses friendships or relationships at a deeper level, but does he even need that? I don’t know. He said he didn't remember ‘love’ from his mother (who is very emotionally detached) - but would be there to make dinner just didn’t have any need it seems to bond - I’ve never seen her show a single emotion. So perhaps he’s learned not to live with love, and all the trust, compromise and commitment that goes with it.

So I do look to the future in some fear. I think I’m very likely to end up on my own. Because to be frank I am a crushed person and I no longer trust as I once did. It would take an amazing man to take on me, a middle aged woman with a child who will never leave home and who is deeply attached to me. (DS is strongly bonded to me and his sibling, very loving, and caring so against the stereotype of autism).

Whereas I think he will do very well. He cannot be without a woman at home, or female attention, and he will get both.

It helps me to be clear about my and his future - it’s not fair and it’s not pleasant but it’s how it is. I think in a way it’s helped me to be more realistic. My priority is me and DS and as long as we are both happy and healthy, then if I never get someone else well so be it. It’s awful to be in a marriage where I felt like I had totally disappeared. DH gave me so little attention or love. He stopped telling me he loved me about 3 months before DS was born and rarely said it since. Like a switch gone off. So in a way a future where I can just let that go has got to be better.

@Sunnidayz don’t beat yourself up about not leaving earlier. We could have all left earlier! However I tell myself that loyalty and commitment are good traits, not bad ones. It’s very hard to leave. It sounds like you’ve been unhappy for some time. You say that there are good things but they seem to be fading into the past? It’s only when things were bad, and he wanted you back that you got some of that attention and love again. That’s no way to live. Perhaps coming on this thread will help you clarify your thoughts.

Thanks, I just worry about disappointing people. And also I wanted this so much despite all the issues, I fought hard to bring us together. I think if the sex and intimate connection was there I would find things easier living with him. He doesn't have that frequent meltdowns or shutdowns, I've heard about some women's husband's experiencing these every day, I'd say my husband was having them every few months so while it's awful at the time it wasn't a daily thing. He does rant quite a bit though, usually about ridiculous things and I find it quite stressful to listen to.

I let a lot of stuff go and nothing ever gets resolved.

I have one friend who I can speak to about some things but I haven't told her about the sex and intimacy issues. She's permanently single and unhappy about it so I feel like I wouldn't want to rub her face in it when I have a husband even though it's not the best relationship.

Sometimes he's in a chatty mood and it's like night and day but only hits home further how lonely I am when he's silent on walks etc. And he sometimes complains about things that I do, just silly things but makes a big deal out of it.

Thanks for listening, sending good thoughts to everyone

@iGetPipAndWork That sounds awful. Background gaming or sports noise is not pleasant, especially to the early hours. A lot of the time you just hear gunshots, explosions and lots if shouting.

@Sunnidayz , it might be worth getting familiar with the 'short marriage' definition in relation to your house. You've only been married less than two years and I think the laws look differently at assets in marriages of less than five years.

You could have a quick word with a solicitor as it might make a difference

[quote itwa]@Sunnidayz , it might be worth getting familiar with the 'short marriage' definition in relation to your house. You've only been married less than two years and I think the laws look differently at assets in marriages of less than five years.

You could have a quick word with a solicitor as it might make a difference [/quote]
Thanks for this, I'll look into it.

It's difficult because sometimes I think he's not that bad (especially on the odd occasion we have a nice day together, like at the weekend) but other times I'm just feeling so lonely and can't imagine feels like this forever (roommates).

A useful trick might be to imagine yourself in ten years' time, looking back.

Do you think, in ten years' time, you'll wish you had stayed or separated?

That's a good idea, doesn't sound great even 5 sounds difficult. We had a nice weekend but tonight he snapped at me when I asked if he wanted a cup of tea! We'd been for a walk and I usually ask if he wants one too when we get home. He was already heading upstairs and I didn't catch his reply so I asked again and got an abrupt "NO" then he said he wouldn't be able to sleep. He'd mentioned cutting down on caffeine at night but we do have other kinds of tea. Anyway..

@Ijsbear great advice for life, the looking back from 10 years. I’m still living with DH (but definite plan to leave). I know exactly why I’m doing it and will be OK Uni 10 years. However I do feel fustrated and sad also that I can’t get on with my own emotional life. I’m pouring it all into my kids and ‘projects’. Sometimes though, the fact that DH is still around makes me feel my loneliness for a loving relationship very acutely. There is no one for me to turn to and I do struggle sometimes not to feel really angry with DH for not being the husband he promised me, and I had for a short period of time. You can’t turn the clock back on life and I am too old to recreate a family with mum + dad together. I think I feel that I was sold a life by DH. I could have had the opportunity to have children with someone who was able to be a husband, but I was robbed of that opportunity.

ARgh… spelling/grammar! I was sold a ‘lie’ by DH not a life!

Can anyone resonate with the following traits of my H:

Unable to phone for a cab/restaurant to make a booking
Unable to speak to the binmen to ask if they will take an extra item of rubbish for us
Unable to get a new tyre as he ''doesn't know what to say''
Unable to collect food shop as he ''doesn't know what to say''
Refuses to conform to general rules - e.g. wearing seatbelt/face mask
Gets extremely frustrated at airports when he feels he is being asked to show his passport unnecessarily/he feels a process is unnecessary and he cold design it better. Airports have always been an issue for him.
Generally cannot speak to anyone he doesn't know
Would rather pay more for the bill than politely complain he has been overcharged
Needs a drink to be social
Going to the pub only serves the purpose to get drunk, no point going if you're not going to get drunk
Walks off without waiting for me and the kids - he can be 5 mins ahead of us on hols as he doesn't know we have stopped to look in shops
Doesn''t wait for me to get out of the car at the supermarket - he is off and I am playing catch up
No planning/thinking ahead EVER
Wont walk into my mums house in less i walk in first (he has known her 17 years)
Generally awkward in social situations
Went and sat on the shed floor when my mate turned up while he was trying to secure a water leak under the sink - his excuse was that he was in dirty clothes and didn't want to be seen
Over-acting sneezing and laughter, even when laughing alone
Poor loser when he plays sports
Hates going to new places/restaurants (but OK if on holiday)
Is unable to EVER make a decision for himself
Defers to me a lot
Lazy
Gamer (he is 45)
Says week-ends are for doing nothing (we have 2 kids)
No self pride/care
Couldn't tell you one beauty product I use/my clothes size/favourite brand of perfume (been together 17 years, and I have a HELL of a lot of beauty items out in the bathroom for all to see)
Never brought me a gift just because - he wouldn't know what to buy me
Not really interested in sex

Sold a life? sounds like an insurance scam :D

I'm not young either blossom. But I will say that life now that I am on my own with the children part time is unrecognizably better.

The children love him and need him and he can actually teach them quite a few things. But unfortunately his interpersonal skills combined with poor judgement mean that there are many arguments with the children and they often don't like going. He lvoes them, they love him, I wish I could get through to him that he needs help to have the skills to strengthen the relationship. He could learn them .. but doesn't want to.

I've asked for social service intervention again as he was going to let our undersized, vulnerable 13yo autistic child walk 2 km home in a roughish area at close to midnight last saturday. We have a meeting next week. They were good last time so fingers crossed.

He loves them, it's just ARGGGG ffs man, you have to handle things differently!

@Ijsbear apologies about the mistakes! I am glad that you are in a relatively good place. I can’t believe he was going to let your 13 year old autistic child walk home at midnight?! That is pretty scary.

You sound pretty fair, reasonable and compassionate regarding him and the children. You sound like you are both protecting your kids and trying to help him. He sounds honest with you though which is great. DH unfortunately will just lie to me, get angry, defensive and tell me it’s none of my business what he does with DS without me. It’s a real shame as he also loves DS, is often great with him, but covers up anything that I would potentially see as ‘risky’ when I’m not there. You just can’t do that with a child like ours, who has pretty severe complex needs!