Hi there. I’m not married to someone with an ASC, but we are pretty sure my dad is undiagnosed.
I’m posting here because I was looking forward to seeing my parents so much after lockdown easing, and 9 months of not seeing my mum. My dad’s ‘ways’ as we call them are causing me a bit of strain, and I guess I’m just writing here as I would love people to reassure me that it’s not personal, and that it’s just likely manifestations of an ASC.
I thought of starting a new thread, but I saw this in active and thought this would be the best place to come for support as there are so many people here who I hope will understand.
I have (for so many years) tried to improve my relationship with my dad. I’m now in my early 40s. When I was 17 I wrote in my diary ‘I can’t get close to dad.’ This has basically been the theme of our relationship since then.
I will start by saying I understand the ethos of this thread and I by no means wish to sound disablist in any of my statements. I’m just seeking support as I feel so alone in this issue.
In fact, I would love it if dad got a diagnosis because then I could rest assured that the issues bothering me are the ‘condition’, and not that he has rejected me / doesn’t love me.
I know it sounds silly as a woman in her 40s saying this (and my husband who works with young people and says dad ‘clearly’ has an ASC says I nevertheless need to move on, accept that he will never demonstrate love for me in the way I wish, and to not take it personally) - but as a child with unmet emotional needs who has now grown up, I am still affected by those unmet needs and still hoping they might get met one day. I think people who never felt they received their parents approval are always seeking their approval.
In a bid to improve my relationship with my dad, I went to a counsellor when I was 29 (said to myself I would love to sort out these issues before I’m 30) and to a therapist when I was mid 30s. I told them both I just really wanted to improve the relationship, and I hoped that he did love me and we just had communication issues. The therapist has a daughter with autism and she said that she couldn’t ‘diagnose’ never having met him, but from what I described to her, she felt he ‘100% had it’. She was good to talk to, and I really wish I’d known about autism when I was younger as then I wouldn’t have thought the way he talks to me was ‘my fault’ - but it feels like it’s too late, and without a diagnosis I just default to thinking he doesn’t like me.
So, after that long preamble, I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll just focus on the things causing issues this week.
Dad has always had a lot of words / phrases that seem to irritate him, and this week while staying with us a few more have been ‘revealed’. Again, if he was diagnosed, I’d be able to shrug it off. But it upsets me because it feels like he’s always policing my language and again, I feel like I’m not good enough if he doesn’t like the words and I’m using them. The new ones words added to his ‘disapproval list’ this week are:
⁃ ‘Okay’
⁃ ‘Yeah’
⁃ ‘Very’
As you can guess, it is pretty hard to avoid those words!
He thinks okay and yeah are not proper English. He thinks ‘very’ especially in writing is often unnecessary.
We were watching TV last night and other things he dislikes are people gesticulating with their hands when they talk. In my job I have to do this as I do a lot of speaking to large groups, and again I’d hate him to see a recording of me doing my job as I know he’d be sitting there disapproving.
So that’s just his ‘disapproved word/actions’ list. Other things he does which I really struggle with are:
⁃ The way he always talks to me - often without much warmth or with any indication that he’s my dad and I’m his daughter. I often say he speaks to me like I’m a business associate or someone he’s just met 5 minutes previously.
⁃ Often doesn’t smile in his interactions with me.
⁃ Walks off when I’m talking to him, or is clearly not interested in what I’m saying. Yesterday I did that thing where I hurry to get to the end of my sentence because I know he’s not listening. God knows how I managed to land a job where I have to speak in public as for years I used to shake when I had to speak in groups, as I wasn’t used to be being listened to. (It took a lot of reading self help books to overcome my fear, and even now I’m not very articulate and rely on notes a lot to keep me going.)
⁃ Can’t seem to abide people talking in groups - will often leave the room or, if he’s trapped e.g. in a restaurant, will put his head down and massage his forehead / temples.
⁃ Can’t have the radio on in the car; will often turn the TV off if people are talking in the living room. My husband was completely mystified by this, especially when he was in the middle of watching something!
⁃ Similarly has a few strange mannerisms when he’s uncomfortable e.g. tapping his chest / just beneath his shoulder with one hand. Sometimes he’ll sort of hop from side to side / shift his weight from one foot to another.
⁃ In general he doesn’t ‘waste any smiles’ as I call it, and what I struggle with as a daughter is always being corrected and the supercilious way he talks to me (like I’m inferior). This basically left me with no confidence as a teenager and now as an adult I often wonder what my personality would’ve been like if he was diagnosed and I knew not to take any of this personally.
⁃ Very pedantic - yesterday he was working in the garden and (as always) I try and say nice things to get his approval. I said ‘You’re very active for a 75 year old’. He is 75 in six weeks’ time. He said ‘I’m not 75, I’m 74 and three quarters’. (Some would say this as a joke, but he didn’t say it in that way.)
As you can see from the working in the garden, he tries to show his love by doing practical things for us, and I do appreciate that.
My mum always says to ‘ignore dad, that’s just his way, you can’t change people and he loves us all’. I’m sure (I hope...) that what she says is right, but he doesn’t seem to like me hugely, and as I say, it has badly affected my self-esteem over the years.
Whilst he does do practical things for us, he never shows any interest in me as a person, my interest, or my emotions. In 23 years, we have never gone for a coffee or lunch together since we last did when I was 20, and the uncomfortable silence got to me. I remember looking up from eating my lunch, and he was staring at me like he hated me. I’ve since learned that people with an ASC can sometimes be expressionless and I hope it’s just expressionlesssness. But often it seems like a glare / hard stare.
Since becoming an adult I don’t think he’s once asked me ‘how I am’. Not even when we went through tough times, like infertility. As a teenager I used to avoid him giving me lifts in the car as we’d always sit in uncomfortable silence; I’d always plead for my mum to pick me up!
He never asks me questions about my job or anything in my life. (He’s retired now, but when he worked he worked in computing / IT, and I always used to try and ask questions about that / show interest despite having none!).
He has a long standing niche interest related to history, which he’s had an interest in since 1965. Again, I try to show interest in that, but it’s never reciprocated.
And finally - when I got married I said to my husband ‘let’s not have speeches’. I said the reason was I didn’t want silly traditions. The sad truth is, I didn’t see how my dad would write a speech about me knowing so little about my interests or life, and even more to the point, was worried that he’d struggle to say nice things about me so it would seem like a very impersonal dry speech, and I didn’t want guests that think ‘Oh dear, he doesn’t seem to think much of his daughter.’
I actually went to a wedding a few years ago and had to get up and go to the loo during the father of the bride speech. Even now, I still get upset when I see other fathers gush over their daughters and how wonderful they are. Again, if dad had a diagnosis and I knew that he just struggled / couldn’t see the point in emoting, then I wouldn’t have taken it personally all these years.
But I feel like over four decades, my brain has been wired to read all of this as a rejection, and it’s too late for me 🙁.
I’m sorry this had turned into just a massive confessional / therapy session!
I suppose I’m just looking for reassurance that these behaviours are quite common, and I would love for some kind person to tell me it’s not me, it’s his condition. This could help me rebuild my self esteem (and for someone to please tell me to ignore him when he goes on about words he hates, like ‘okay’ and ‘yeah’ - I’ve stated to flinch when I unavoidably say them now as I know he’ll be sitting there disapproving!).