Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

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Oops should that a marriage... is not always difficult!

Yes, the years leading up to my dds diagnosis really helped clarify a lot re my husband.

@Turquoisesea 23 years is a long time, and especially difficult I imagine to deal with the grief/emotions about losing the relationship you wanted, or thought you had, when it’s subtle and hard to pinpoint. Especially so if there is no crisis, more of a growing sense of loss?

@AspergersWife I read your story with interest. It’s quite poignant how you recognize that your DH crumbles without the stability and support of you and the family, and yet won’t do that little extra in order to preserve his own happiness. You do give him happiness, yet he seems unable to just give you that little bit of time. It sounds like you do love and care for him, but can’t just continue to feel that way in your home. I completely understand about having young children. I made a clear decision to try and stick it out, mainly because DS has severe autism and being caught between two households is not a good option for him. DH also moved out a couple of times, when it hit a crisis point, but like in your situation his mental health deteriorated. He missed me and the family, but I didn’t miss him. I would say that I definitely love him more, and was much more committed to making it work - on the other hand I can live without him easier than he can me. It sounds as though you are doing all that you can to try and make it work, and once the children are older you will be in a better position to decide what is best for you.

@Daftasabroom that sounds Iike hard work for you, it’s like all the energy gets sucked into whether it’s OK or not for your wife with little time to just enjoy the occasions yourself.
@RainyMayDay so similar here. DH lies to cover anything that he feels is ‘no one else’s business’, and it was a complete shock to me when I first uncovered this side of his nature. He is outwardly so kind and reliable, the opposite of the person you would think would lie. I think it goes with the compartmentalisation which has caused untold damage. I don’t know where it comes from, DH had a not great upbringing (father was an alcoholic) so I always thought it might stem from there.
@Bluebellforest1 the invalidation has damaged me I think. Thank goodness I have a great family and bunch of friends (even though I moved to DHs area so am physically very far). I’m sure DH has never wanted to intentionally hurt me, however he will do anything to cover his own bad actions including telling me and his family there is something wrong with me, that I”m controlling, or over sensitive, or doing the same thing as DH (eg DH never inviting me out with him, gets turned into ‘well Blossom goes out by herself all the time what am I supposed to do’ etc). He just doesn’t see the effect of denying my reality, and often ‘thinks’ for me - although I have to say he (without telling me) saw a therapist for a while as he started saying that he musn’t assume that he knows what I’m thinking. He still does though!

Brief update with me: DH is back from hospital and does look quite visibly pale and quiet. It is probably fine, however they did take a biopsy so understandably that is a bit of worry. He is getting on with work so keeping busy at home. It’s really hard, as his strength comes from being on top, always ‘winning’, he’s top of his field, keeps really fit and popular. No room for sickness, and he’s pushed away me, the one person who would have been there no matter what.

I think he’s finding comfort in just having us around and gave me all his medical notes to read. He keeps having a chat with me. I know he appreciates having me around now but is too proud to ask too much.

Can anyone relate: DH has aspergers. I think he also has OCD.
2 weeks ago he wrenched his back opening a jar of all things. He'd been polishing chrome at work for 4 solid days so I think it was that and the jar finished it off. He was in a lot of pain but it became manageable after a week. Now it's just there as a dull ache all the time.
Well this morning he has woken up and is clearly having a bad day. He's all doom and gloom. He thinks it's something 'sinister'. But won't call the Dr tomorrow as he said they won't do anything and he would rather not know.
This is a cyclical thing. Happens often. Something minor is always the symptom of something chronic or worse. There is no talking to him. He is obsessed with severe life limiting illnesses.
Does anyone have any coping strategies for dealing with this? I am still dealing with my son's potential diagnosis. We have a meeting on Tuesday. And I also have a chronic pain related illness, this is just something else to add to my list of stressors. I'm not dismissing his concerns but it happens so often with different 'expected' illnesses with him it's getting hard to cope.

Just a quick reply but yes I can relate @JS711 H health obsession has been so much worse with the covid stuff. He was at very little risk, but actually moved out last summer as he was convinced he'd catch it off the kids and die. He 'puts his back out' every other day (I.e. it aches a bit) and once drove himself to A+E convinced he'd broken his ankle. (It was a mild sprain, hence how he could even drive!) Similar to yours, everything is a sign of something worse, yet he won't see a doctor/dentist etc about any of it - I'm expected to play nurse when he takes to his bed. My only coping strategy is to give it lip service, a few sympathetic noises, and know that in a day or so he'll have moved on to the next thing.

DW definitely has various OCD type behaviours, mostly around not throwing stuff away.

I'm going to commit the arch sin of generalising: from my experience and what I have read here and elsewhere, I can't help feeling that some bad behaviours are due to anxiety rather than autism directly. I can definitely see how many autistic traits would lead anyone to become anxious, and of course there are many many causes if anxiety.

So another note in my little diary: I think after this weekend I'm so done. Now I just need to 'get my ducks in a row' as I often read on MN! It's going to be hard going back to pretending everything is fine now I've kind of come to this realisation, but I've done the pretence for this long I'm sure I can manage a bit more til I get myself organised.

We had an ok Saturday. It was his 'on' night for gaming so during the day we did a few family things, kids class, a party, but Saturday night I spent alone. He was playing with the new woman and I could hear the chat and laughter flowing easily. With me he is closed off, barely talks, yet with her he's a different person. There's no flirting that I can hear, and he doesn't attempt to hide their chatting, he has his headset on and he's very loud talking to anyone on the game. It's not sexually inappropriate (yet - but who knows where this will eventually go) or flirty, but it's the time he's dedicating to the game and the emotional investment he's giving to it all. He told me the next morning that even though he was up gaming with her til 3am (yet tells me he's tired all the time!!!!), I was to 'have a lie in' - even though I was already up - because the woman's husband was doing that for her.

Honestly I don't know how many years I have been asking him to share the weekend lie ins with me and he never has done. I'm up early with the kids without fail 7 days a week, 365 days a year. This new woman tells him one time she's getting a lie in, and he does it. So I suppose I should thank her in a way. This is how he is with his 'crushes' (man or woman). He'll be wanting to report back to her what a good husband he has been.

Then Sunday night was a 'game night off'. We actually watched a film and after spent some time watching tv and chatting together, lovely. When we went up to bed I fell asleep, he tucked me in and went to his bedroom. (We've always had own rooms due to first his snoring disrupting us when the kids were babies in with me, then nowadays because his excessive gaming requiring a separate space.)

I suddenly woke up not 2 mins after he left, because I heard noise from our DD. I realised it was her but also him on the headset loudly chatting to his mate, a bloke this time, that had caused her to wake up. I went to tell him our daughter was restless and he needed to quieten down and said 'you're on the game again?' I just knew what he'd say, it was like a bingo card in my mind. He looked pissed off and said the various things I predicted he would:

1. Well you're asleep, so it doesn't affect you. (It does, because you woke me and DD up.)

"No but you said you were cutting down, finding the balance."

1. Well I'm wide awake, drank a Red Bell so playing will relax me. (Yeah sure, loud talking and shooting is so relaxing and calming.)

"Ok but your decision was not to play every single night"

1. I've spent the last 3 hours with you, so why does a few rounds of gaming matter?

"You agreed it was addictive and were cutting back"

1. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you. (His classic line if ever I deviate from the pretence that we are doing ok.)

"You are the one who decided your new gaming nights!"

1. I never said I was doing one night on, one night off, I only said I was going to spend time with you one night then game the next. So I spent time with you but that doesn't mean I can't game as well. (outright lie. Plus I overheard him telling the woman he'd only be playing alternate nights because he was trying to cut down so I know I didn't imagine this decision HE came to.)

So for me this is the final nail in the coffin. Its bad enough I have to be on a shift pattern for my husband to spend time with me, but this bloody lying is it, that's the line in the sand kicked away, the boundary totally trampled over. It's not so much about the game right now, it's the fact that HE decided the new balance was one night on the game, next night off. Then completely gaslighted me into thinking that conversation never happened, and playing as soon as he's done with me is going to carry on. It's about the lies. The manipulation he tried to pull on me. It's about the fact that he said he knew the game was addictive, and would cut down, but just cannot go without it and immediately jumped on the defensive and trying to deflect instead of just holding his hands up. He just cannot help himself, it's his drug I think, and like an addict his priorities will never be his family.

The whole point of this night on night off decision he made was because I clearly said didn't want to feel scheduled (HA!) and that he was hurrying through whatever our time was because he was desperate to get back online. So I KNOW he is trying to twist things round. Usually I second guess myself and give him the benefit of the doubt, but this time I'm sure of myself. And that's what has killed that tiny final last bit of hope, love and respect for me.

I had enquired with a couples counsellor so if she gets back to us with an appointment. I might still go along with that to keep things ticking over and actually it will be interesting to see how he tries to twist things. Best case scenario, if he is actually willing to take any advice from her and can stop the obsessive behaviour I might fall back in love with him all over again (sooooo unlikely). I have a feeling it'll be all talk and no action as it has been for so many years. In the meantime I will quietly make my plans and try to get through as long as possible.

Thanks if anyone has read this far.

@AspergersWife This is how he is with his 'crushes' (man or woman). He'll be wanting to report back to her what a good husband he has been

Yes. 100%. When DH does something nice for me it is usually because someone else has given him the idea and he then uses it to report back to them how great he is.

It is purely done for their approval not mine.

I actually felt sick when I read your post because it reminds me that the opinion of the ‘crushes’ means far more to him than anything. It’s about getting external validation.

My DH has told everyone that he is taking me away for my birthday. Not because he actually wants to take me away. It’s because he feels they are expecting him to do something special so has to say that he is.

In the end though being nice just makes him resentful because it doesn’t come from the heart. It comes from pressure to do something normal, giving and potentially doing something without anything in return.

I’m sorry you are going through this @AspergersWife . I do empathise because doing something normal (that meets my needs God forbid) like going away for a weekend is like a tick in the box for him not a way of life. It then gets drawn out when he is under pressure: “But we went away last year for YOU. I never wanted to go. It wasn’t my choice. It’s all about YOU. I hated it.” Not true. He enjoyed it but because he sees that it was driven by me, he will bring it out at a later date as something I forced him to do.So yes I see how agreeing to reduce his gaming will end up being your fault because you put him under pressure to do so.

I genuinely think both my DH and your DH (and probably other posters’ DHs too) should have stayed single then they could do exactly what they want. Don’t have a partner and a family if you aren’t willing to compromise at all. That also means not forming intense crushes with other people. Stay single and do what you want.

I feel angry just reading your post.

AspergersWife I so feel for you. He sounds so self absorbed and the interaction and taking advice/example from female gaming friend would drive me to distraction.

For me, when I finally made the decision, it made living with my ex easier because I wasn't dealing with the underlying stress/despair of "this is it, this is my life...". You can take your time. Get all the advice you need. From everything you've written, and reading between the lines, you've Really, Really tried. ((((hugs))))

I genuinely think both my DH and your DH (and probably other posters’ DHs too) should have stayed single then they could do exactly what they want. Don’t have a partner and a family if you aren’t willing to compromise at all. That also means not forming intense crushes with other people. Stay single and do what you want.

Agreed

@colouringindoors I've used the term "self absorbed" to describe DW many many times but usually attached to "with very little self awareness".

There are many posts on crushes but DW also gets anti crushes, so she's as likely to rant on about how awful someone is when actually the person or group were just mildly irritating.

@Daftasabroom Same here re anti-crushes. And a crush will quickly become an anti-crush if they do something which annoys my DH. So they can go from being amazing, talented and an all-round fantastic human being who he idolises to being the subject of hate and derision very rapidly. Based on this it is incredible I have lasted.

@AspergersWife Take your time. Most importantly look after yourself. Start finding small ways of putting yourself first. I now plan my time and tell my DH what I am doing. If he wants to be part of it fine. If he doesn’t I will do it myself. For years his behaviour got in the way of us doing anything because he didn’t want to go to new places or it had to be somehow on his terms. I love the theatre but he could never give me any definitive answer about whether he would come to a play with me or not. If I asked he would accuse me of putting him under pressure. If I reminded him he would get angry and say that I was a bully. I’d wait and wait for him to decide when the right time was but it never happened. Now I plan my own things and he will often say on the day it is happening ‘Am I coming with you?’ Answer: No. I asked two months ago and you weren’t interested.

Waiting for him to suggest or initiate anything nice just doesn’t happen. I don’t have any expectation of him now.

@Daftasabroom

DW definitely has various OCD type behaviours, mostly around not throwing stuff away.

I'm going to commit the arch sin of generalising: from my experience and what I have read here and elsewhere, I can't help feeling that some bad behaviours are due to anxiety rather than autism directly. I can definitely see how many autistic traits would lead anyone to become anxious, and of course there are many many causes if anxiety.

Yes, I see this in my DW too. Like your DW she finds social situations difficult and family get togethers can result in fights caused by her misreading the room. The difference is that my DW recognises this in herself. It's stressful being her. My ASC DD is similar.

I read your previous posts. What you described also happened to me, however, we made it out the other side. Looking back, some of what I did was pretty high risk.

After speaking to H again last night, he made his lies sound almost reasonable. Apparently he was just so wide awake that he thought there'd be no issue going on his game. Conveniently forgetting that we spoke about how addictive it was and how he was going to find a balance to control it better. How is it he can so easily do that? He has zero emotional intelligence yet can be very manipulative when he wants.

According to him he told me his gaming nights were going to be Tuesdays and Thursdays. That conversation just never happened. Maybe he decided it somewhere between Saturday night (when I heard him telling the woman he'd be playing 'alternate nights') and last night, but just didn't say it out loud to me. A lot of our communication issues come from missing info like this.

But I know what he told me, I know what I overheard to the woman, I know what I wrote down here when it was all going on. Wether he is innocently mixed up forgetting to tell me stuff or deliberately lying, it's still done between us. I can't be his personal care assistant, mind reader, house keeper and nanny if he can't even give me one bloody night without diving back into his fake online world.

I'm fighting a losing battle. I'll never be as exciting as his gaming, and he'll never be able to limit himself to a more normal amount of playing or more appropriate level of friendships, these past 2 weeks have shown that. I've told him I deserve more. He told me he's putting a huge effort in. I told him his huge effort is not enough by my standards, and spending time with his wife and family should not be a huge effort. That made him stop and think. He told me the irony is this other woman's husband also played with them on Sat night and said 'happy wife, happy life.' I pointed out I've been asking him for YEARS to share the weekend lie in with me, it was mentioned ONCE by her and he jumped to it. He had no reply to that.

I'm tired of saying things over and over, just to be ignored, but when someone else says it he listens. That is disrespectful to me. It makes me feel worthless. But then because he acts like he's so reasonable and I'm so demanding, it makes me doubt my own feelings. They are constantly dismissed and invalidated and I told him no more. I won't and can't do the pretence any more if he can't be arsed to even try a little bit. He called my stuff 'minor' and I pointed out that just shows clearly the problem. My feelings and thoughts are not minor, but he views them as inconsequential.

The upshot is, we have an online consultation with a marriage counsellor tomorrow who has experience with ASD and I'm happy to speak with her. But he knows now that I'm not going to try any more beyond that. This is it and now it's all on him.

He has zero emotional intelligence yet can be very manipulative when he wants.

I recognise that. It makes me distrust DH. He says what he needs to in order to get what he wants, and then he does zero of what he has promised.

the man I thought I was marrying is not the same as the man that he thinks he is and both are miles away from the man that I actually live with.

I also feel, as a PP said, duped.

Hi everyone. I’ve been with my husband 12 years. We’ve always known he is on the spectrum (a relative of mine was diagnosed in his teens). A couple of years ago we decided to push for a diagnosis after problems at work. After initial contact with GP and referral made husband changed his mind so we never chased it.
Last month he got an invitation for assessment and last week he got his diagnosis!
It’s all very odd as it’s basically a piece of paper telling us what we’ve always known. We’ve always made allowances (stuck to strict schedules, never change plans unless well in advance, we talk things through facts and if I’m talking about my feelings I link it to facts/examples to help link to the emotion to an event)

However since his diagnosis - he’s been upset, and I’ve been upset. I keep looking back at things I’ve done over the years and feel I should have handled them better. Did anyone else feel like this?

Intense crushes are such a trait of DH @RainyMayDay @colouringindoors @Daftasabroom and he can fall intensely for people that he’s never met, by text/email/online, in a naive way. If he were a woman I’d say it would be a real risk, as he doesn’t ever see ulterior motives or when people are not to be immediately trusted. He was actually duped out of money by lending a woman crunch a lot for her business, which she then lost and never paid back.

Women ‘crush’ not crunch!

@Bluehope19 DH is not diagnosed, although accepts he has many traits, so I haven’t been through what you have. I can imagine that having reality of a diagnosis would bring up a lot of mixed feelings. That you feel that you could have handled some things better shows you want to help your DH, and to be more understanding so that is surely a good thing? The past is done, however you hopefully have a long and positive future ahead together.

@AspergersWife so sorry you have got to this stage and especially with children it must be quite alone and devastating. Although I completely understand that you have been really trying to compromise and he just hasnt’ met you even half way - he can’t just throw you a bone and then go gaming away again - he’s not dealing with his issues and that is not fair on you or the kids. I’m glad that you are going to see a counsellor and unload a bit. How did it go?

@Bluehope19 my H got his diagnosis just a few years ago, we'd been together over 10 years and have 2 young children. In some ways it was easier as our issues finally made sense when we read those words in black and white. But since that point he's really leaned into it and gave up trying to be "normie" (his words) and sees himself and "Aspies" (his words) as better and superior. He went on a lot of forums and it briefly became an obsession for him.

It's like it gave him a license to behave and say as he pleases nowadays, and now he has no reason to make any effort to fit in with me and the kids and our wider friends and family. It's as if we are all beneath him. His sisters have noticed his 'smug' attitude (their words) and his family have cut a lot of contact with him, even before lockdown. He hasn't really noticed and doesn't seem to care.

I was glad to know and it did give H peace of mind understanding there's nothing 'wrong' with him, he's just wired a different way. However instead of using the information wisely I feel like he's used it against me, so I hope to God you don't go through what I've been through.

I agree re the anti-crushes. It's just as exhausting as the crushes! It seems impossible for him and others discussed here to understand and accept that people are shades of grey. They're either a hero or a villain. Except me, to H I think I'm pretty much invisible, or background. When I go along with our life the way he designed it, it's all fine, I'm nothing. When I speak up, raise awareness of my needs, then I become the villain.

@Blossominspring2021 unfortunately we've not had the session yet, it's tomorrow morning. I don't think much will come from it as it's just a free consultation. If he's willing to do some actual work or effort I'm open to trying it for a few weeks while we put the wheels in motion to separate, but as I told him last night my expectations are zero, and as he recognised anything he does now will likely be too little, too late.