No breakfast after DTD

[Notanotherfreak]

So I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable, and need advice! Been dating a guy ..we’ve had 6 dates & had dinner at his last night (we’ve both had Covid before I’m flamed!). Was discussed beforehand that I’d stay. So he cooks me a lovely dinner, I stay, we DTD. All good. DTD again in the morning then get he gets up. I have a cup of tea then he says he has to walk the dog & then going for a run... it’s obvious then he’s not going to make me a coffee (I asked) or make me breakfast before I go. So I leave but tbh feel pretty pee’d off as it was all a bit efficient and kind of thought it would be nice to offer me breakfast before I go! Am I being precious? It’s not a work day but a Sunday! Am thinking maybe he got what he wanted and just wanted me gone? Not sure if this is a red flag or he’s just been a batchelor for so long he’s just is entrenched in his routine...what would you think?

Whatever his reasons for doing it id say chuck him. If you weren't sure anyway this should be a decider.

@Notanotherfreak

I agree, it wasn’t affectionate, just.... odd.

Try to work out why and think back to other signs that you might have dismissed or explained at the time. Literally forensically recall his behaviours and judge them objectively.

Don’t make the mistake I did of thinking of excuses for him eg he’s a bit shy, socially awkward, etc Mine wasn’t. He was/is a selfish, self-centred loner. That was the explanation for his lack of previous relationships.

You can get covid more than once.

@Derbee

Also, it’s bollocks that it’s the “honeymoon stage”. You’re not in a relationship.

You stayed the night and had sex. He may well like you, but didn’t want you hanging around all day. He made you a cup of tea, and then encouraged you to go home so that he could spend his Sunday how he wanted to. I genuinely don’t see anything wrong with that.

It would have been nicer to spend the morning together, but maybe he didn’t think, or he felt a bit awkward and wanted you to go home. If you get on, I wouldn’t get too hung up on it.

I'd agree with this.

Having rtft and had a think on it, I'm not seeing that he did anything too awful tbh. Yeah it's crap that it made you feel that way but if he's a creature of habit then perhaps this is literally just his Sunday morning routine and he likes it! It doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

My first DP was up at 6 for work on a weekend and sometimes when I stayed over I'd be getting a taxi home in the dark!

There are people on these boards who get their new DP out of the house sharpish in a morning because they don't want them to meet their DC yet. Probably doesn't make the guy feel too great being ushered out at 7am in whispered tones. But it's not a reflection on whether they're liked or not or a question of just being used for a shag.

But of course those are just anecdotal. Bottom line is I think if the experience you got doesn't match the experience you wanted then time for a rethink on the relationship.

[quote Notanotherfreak]@2BDIs I meant no offence. But thanks for your angry retort.[/quote]
Ignore this poster - an absolutely disgusting reply from her. She's taking out her own issues on you.

I see why you're disappointed OP, it's a situation you feel vulnerable in and he just rushed you out the door.

I'd be wary and let him take the lead (make an effort!) with organising the next date.

Looking back to my single days the guys I ended up in relationships with made an effort in these situations.

It could be explained away and something you look back and laugh about. But I would not be making an effort now till I felt more reassured.

(we’ve both had Covid before I’m flamed!)

You can get it more than once. But I'm sure you already know this.

why this feeling like 'he got what he wanted'? Did you not enjoy the sex, and do it because you wanted to? When you sleep with someone, it's no guarantee it will be a relationship. So do it only if you want to, and assume it may not work out. People are allowed to have sex and then change their mind. But unless he coerced you into sex, or promised you a relationship then backed out - he didn't use you.

@JurassicParkAha, I agree. It’s seems ingrained in women that sex is a “gift” they give to the man, at a precise point in a relationship so we’re neither “slutty” or “frgid”, that it scews the power balance. It’s so unhelpful as it makes men the takers and women the givers, which makes us particularly sensitive to feeling “used”. But sex is a mutually agreeable activity, and unless it was coercive we aren’t “used”, and “giving” sex to a man does not mean we are promised a relationship.

I think you’re annoyed at him because you imagined a very specific idea of what should have happened - he offers you a coffee, he offers you breakfast, he texts after saying how nice it was to have you over - and what he actually did - offer you tea, ask if you want to go for a walk (you declined), text after to say how sunny it was - don’t match up

I agree with you @Crossornot.

@Notanotherfreak, if, before the date, he had warned you that he had stuff to do (dog walk and run before doing his paperwork - it wasn’t a work day for you but it was for him) and would need you to leave early, would you have felt as bad?

Wow you sound incredibly precious!

He made you a cup of tea and then had stuff he needed to do, I don't see that as being rude. He maybe thought you had things to be doing at your house? Its early days and you sound that you need to chill out a bit OP!

(we’ve both had Covid before I’m flamed!).

You do realise you can contract COVID more than once? 🤔🙄

Not sure what the relevance of having had covid is. I think the rules in your tier apply to everyone?

Not everyone eats breakfast so he was probably following his usual routine but if you asked for coffee and he refused then that is rude.

OP,
Whatever the discussion about what constitutes breakfast, coffee etc.

One way or another, you felt bundled out the door.
You didn't feel good about it.
Trust your gut.

I appreciate a lot of women today, have very low bars in how they expect to be treated and for them courtesy can be "princessy"🤷🏻‍♀️

What I will tell you as I will tell my daughter's, is, there is nothing wrong in expecting courtesy and respect from a man and not tolerating a lack of it.

His priority may have been for his day to follow a routine he likes.

That's fine for HIM.

I wouldn't be rushing back for round two without definitely asking him was it his intention to be so rude?
His answer will be for you to judge.

Women who have clear boundaries as to how they expect to be treated, tend to end up with nicer men.

We teach people how to treat us.

Never feel bad about having standards.

I do hope your approach to contraception / protection is better than for Covid. ...

@Glitterb

Wow you sound incredibly precious!

He made you a cup of tea and then had stuff he needed to do, I don't see that as being rude. He maybe thought you had things to be doing at your house? Its early days and you sound that you need to chill out a bit OP!

And you sound like you have incredibly low standards.

I wouldn't neglect to offer breakfast to any houseguest, certainly not one I was trying to make a good impression on. The fact he didn't suggests he might not care about impression her or how she feels.

However op mentioned in an earlier post she thought he might be on the spectrum. I have no expertise in this area but she obviously thinks he sees things a little different to her.

She's not wrong to be disappointed.

I don't eat breakfast so it wouldn't occur to me to get you some but then I'm not trying to 'woo' anyone

She's not wrong to be disappointed

According to what rules? Someone else might appreciate his independence, mightn't they? There's more than one way of perceiving his behaviour. His actions are not dictated by her needs. If she's disappointed, that doesn't mean she's right or wrong. It means she has her own individual response, and 'disappointed' is what it is.

@Eckhart

She's not wrong to be disappointed

According to what rules? Someone else might appreciate his independence, mightn't they? There's more than one way of perceiving his behaviour. His actions are not dictated by her needs. If she's disappointed, that doesn't mean she's right or wrong. It means she has her own individual response, and 'disappointed' is what it is.

I think we are saying the same thing here. She feels disappointed and that's ok.

@BrokenNotDead

OMG! Actually this reminded me that when my ex husband and I first started dating - he behaved very oddly the first morning. Gave me a coffee and then got fidgety, made me feel like I wasn't wanted around. I insisted on breakfast as i was starving so we went to a cafe, and he just seemed so restless. I honestly thought he wasn't into me. But he kept asking me out, and was lovely in every way except a bit odd in the mornings.

Months later when we were properly established (and he was normal in the mornings) I asked him wtf that had been about. And he told me he liked having a poo in the morning at a certain time but in his tiny studio flat I would hear, so it really stressed him out.

And, in the entire time we were together, his morning poo did feature more heavily in conversation than really poo ever should. So yes, some guys do get a bit put out when their 'routine' changes. But they do adjust once the relationship is more settled.

OP please just listen to your gut. The weak whataboutery on here has swayed you but at the end of the day you felt rushed out his house because he did rush you out his house. It doesn't matter if he has a routine or doesn't usually drink coffee himself or whatever else has been suggested here, when you're dating someone you need to show consideration for them and he stopped doing that as he got sex. He literally switched the kindness off like a light bulb and that says everything you need to know about him. His behaviour, coupled with you stating that you don't think you're well matched makes me think this guy is really really not worth wasting any more time on. Your initial feelings were valid and we have gut feelings for a reason.

I agree @IJustWantSomeBees

Someone who is falling in love wants to see us as much as possible and/or texts how much they enjoyed last night etc. They don't just want us gone after sex.

When are you due to see him again?

@billy1966

OP, Whatever the discussion about what constitutes breakfast, coffee etc.

One way or another, you felt bundled out the door.
You didn't feel good about it.
Trust your gut.

I appreciate a lot of women today, have very low bars in how they expect to be treated and for them courtesy can be "princessy"🤷🏻‍♀️

What I will tell you as I will tell my daughter's, is, there is nothing wrong in expecting courtesy and respect from a man and not tolerating a lack of it.

His priority may have been for his day to follow a routine he likes.

That's fine for HIM.

I wouldn't be rushing back for round two without definitely asking him was it his intention to be so rude?
His answer will be for you to judge.

Women who have clear boundaries as to how they expect to be treated, tend to end up with nicer men.

We teach people how to treat us.

Never feel bad about having standards.

This is a good post.

The thing about red flags is that there isn't a list of rules about what is a red flag and what isn't. Your red flags won't be the same as anybody else's. Red flags don't mean that people aren't suitable to have a relationship, they are flags for you to be able to tell if someone is suitable to have a relationship with you.
So, even if he'd done something innocent that triggered a bad feeling in you, that would be a red flag for you; red flags signal incompatibility.
So this:
But it left me feeling empty & upset
Is the red flag. Some people might admire him for getting up for a run on a Sunday morning, and the fact that he's faithful to his routine. You don't like it. You don't need to ask the internet if you're right to feel bad about something: respect your own feelings. Self validate. Read about self validation. Know your boundaries and enforce them. In short: back off from people who make you feel rubbish

Completely agree with this.

The night before he put in loads of effort to woo you and his behaviour the morning after is in stark contrast. He bundles you out the door at the earliest opportunity.

Understandably that has made you feel like shit. Your OP seems to be questioning whether your feelings are valid, and also seems to be asking for a way of perceiving his behaviour that doesn’t make you feel like shit. In response poster are offering you desperately low-bar excuses like, ‘well he made you tea’ and ‘I don’t eat breakfast so you’re a princess for expecting it.’

Baffling.

You are totally allowed to feel how you feel about this. You want a guy who is emotionally intelligent enough to understand that being physically intimate with someone also makes you feel emotionally vulnerable - and who can treat your feelings with kindness and respect.

This man is not like that.

@RUOKHon you’ve nailed it. Exactly how I feel. Either way, whether he wasn’t into me anymore afterwards or whether he is, his emotional intelligence is lacking.