Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont want to separate he does

144 replies

Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 02:57

Just that really. He’s adamant he wants to separate. Weve had a rocky year but always managed to sort things out.
We had an argument and hes decided enough is enough. I cant take anymore as i only buried my mum 2 weeks ago. He wont even pretend over Christmas for the sake of the kids and my ooor dad who will be devastated for me .
Financially i wont have enough out of our house to start again.
Im just devastated

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 19/12/2020 03:20

If he wants to leave and feels he can't pretend, that is fair enough, but he has to provide adequately for his children.

Let him go, have a period of calm and see a solicitor in the new year. Maybe he just needs a break. It's been a tough year for everyone.

Is there an ow or will he be moving in with parents or friends?

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 03:26

No OW . We dont have sny shared children . He will probably buy somewhere else .
I just csnt believe he drops this bombshell a week before Christmas and my mum dying.
He earns a lot more then me so will be easier for him. Also im 50 - so will be limited on how much i can borrow

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 19/12/2020 03:39

Oh God, that's difficult. He's certainly not trying to soften the blow is he!!

I had to get a new mortgage on my own at 48 and it wasn't easy. In the end it was over 17 years, and I bought a scruffy house that needed tidying up, but cost less.

I think you need to focus on your DCs and being kind to yourself over the Xmas break and then face it in the new year. xx

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 05:21

I broke his trust , he had bought a very expensive one off present for his child this Christmas. I told my 16 year old who then told my partners child . He can’t get over the spoilt surprise. I never ever thought my teenager would tell. Now he says he can’t trust me anymore

OP posts:
Yoshinori · 19/12/2020 05:31

Whilst I understand why he would be upset with that, that to me is not a big enough reason to merit separation ?

Is that the only big argument you’ve had recently ?

If so, it’s like he’s looking for a reason to separate. Any reason.

soopedup · 19/12/2020 05:33

He’s breaking up over that? Seriously? Read back what you wrote.

soopedup · 19/12/2020 05:36

If that’s the only reason then I’d say you should breathe a huge sigh of relief and let him go. That’s very very over dramatic, not normal and needs to be cut off dead. No more talking or crying. Tell him “great. I agree. We’re not compatible anyway. Thanks for making me realise that. Your reactions are just too weird for me. Wish you all the best. Please move out before Xmas day” then just be singing and smiling with your 16 year old. This guy is immature and you can do better.

Wiredforsound · 19/12/2020 05:38

He’s breaking up because he wants to break up. Likely the present breaking of confidence was just the last straw.

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 05:39

Its an up and down second time around relationship. 4x teenage boys 3 mine one his.
All very different in personality/ aspirations/family life.
As its has been lockdown and i was working from home i ended up doing all the cooking. Stepson is a party animal and often wouldn’t come home for tea. I got sick of it and said we should share food shopping and prep.
His response- he now shops and cooks for his own child and i do mine .
I wanted an equal division of effort not a throw his dummy out of the pram response.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 05:42

Pathetic but i do still love him.
I know money isn’t everything but i will struggle to re home my family , he just needs a 2 bed flat , i need a 3 bed house.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 19/12/2020 05:59

Are you married op? If so, how long for?

Longdistance · 19/12/2020 06:00

He sounds horrible. He couldn’t just wait til after Christmas could he?
You’re grieving for your dm and then he sticks the knife in. I couldn’t get over that.
So sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 06:09

Been together 8 years lived together for 3. We bought a big house so all the teenagers could have a double bedroom with own ensuites. Its not been what I thought. Still separate families with separate values, but imagined we could get through it.
Im so sad , especially for my dad who has just lost his life partner of 66 years then his only daughter has to say shes fucked up.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 19/12/2020 06:25

I'm sorry. Keep breathing. If he's ending your relationship because a teenager's surprise is spoiled, well, he must have been looking for an excuse. Don't take on blame for this.

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 06:33

Thanks im trying x

OP posts:
Longdistance · 19/12/2020 06:41

You have not fucked up, he has.

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 06:46

How can i tell my dad who is still reeling from my mums death ?
Hes all i have left. I just cant tell him .
Im just in bits.

OP posts:
Thesheerrelief · 19/12/2020 06:47

You have definitely not fucked up. Him shopping for food and cooking separately for his son shows he was already starting to divide your lives. It's also petty and mean. The issue over his son finding out what his present is shouldn't be a deal breaker for someone who is committed. It's annoying at most.

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 06:54

I only wanted him to share cooking equally.

OP posts:
WelshTonks · 19/12/2020 06:56

Oh no OP please don't think you've fucked up. You really haven't! I'm a stepmum and it's not normal to have such separate lives, especially when there are kids involved. He's showing you who he really is and it really sounds like you aren't compatible. You deserve someone who wants to properly share their life with you and the DC. It feels so awful right now but you will get through this. Very unmumsnetty hugs to you Flowers

Thesheerrelief · 19/12/2020 07:00

@Sharpasknives

I only wanted him to share cooking equally.
And that's completely reasonable. Nothing wrong with you wanting that but he turned it into something divisive
CountryLadyLane · 19/12/2020 07:01

Ah op im sorry your going through this.

I am going to be honest here it sounds like he has checked out and doesnt want to be in a relationship with you anymore

That response to cooking where its now his family and yours seperated ultimately says it all.

Apart from the fact that finacially it will impact you- I am reading here that you are unmarried- and impact on your poor dad- do you love him? Has there been any love and joy recently?

Ultimately it does seem its over. You both own the house? Could you negotiate higher equity share on selling? I presume your unmarried so this would be down to his good nature to agree I suppose.

Would you move in with your father to save for somewhere for yourself? How old are your DC?

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 07:04

He keeps saying i asked for that. I asked for him to help. Take a couple of nights where he would cook , instead of buying himself and son a takeaway.
Its fucked isn’t it?

OP posts:
Sostenueto · 19/12/2020 07:07

Let him go he cannot sell house if u have custody of children till they r older or if it's changed in law then get a good solicitor then stuff him for every single penny you can get for you and the DC. He cannot walk away from his responsibilities. Be strong and be ruthless but don't use the children as a weapon because u could very well lose them if you do.

CountryLadyLane · 19/12/2020 07:07

@Sostenueto they have no children together... wouldnt that impact things

Swipe left for the next trending thread