Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont want to separate he does

144 replies

Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 02:57

Just that really. He’s adamant he wants to separate. Weve had a rocky year but always managed to sort things out.
We had an argument and hes decided enough is enough. I cant take anymore as i only buried my mum 2 weeks ago. He wont even pretend over Christmas for the sake of the kids and my ooor dad who will be devastated for me .
Financially i wont have enough out of our house to start again.
Im just devastated

OP posts:
Sostenueto · 19/12/2020 07:08

Oh if u not married then will be hard to get a good deal☹️

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 07:09

I have teenagers 16 17 15
We own the house on some complicated thing - i put more in as a deposit but he pays double mortgage. It will need a solicitor to unpick.
I cant move i with my dad he has a tiny 2 bed bungalow
I just cant see a way out.
Last weekend we had such a brilliant weekend and now this

OP posts:
CountryLadyLane · 19/12/2020 07:09

@Sostenueto if they are not married then frankly shes getting no deal....

Op does he own the house or has it been bought in both names

Sostenueto · 19/12/2020 07:10

Yes it would impact so not much hope of a good seperation regarding money countrywoman

Original poster
Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 07:10

In both names

OP posts:
Sostenueto · 19/12/2020 07:10

Country lady sorry!

CountryLadyLane · 19/12/2020 07:12

Cross post with op.

Well then I would say you need to contact a solicitor for some legal advice and have a serious sit down chat with your partner and try and understand if there is anyway forward for you both but as awful and hard as it sounds you cant make him stay in a relationship with you and also you dont want to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt treat you better with more compassion and respect. Your mother has just sadly died and he wants to split... sounds charming Sad

Sostenueto · 19/12/2020 07:12

Well the solicitor should be able to work out a % of what u put in overall plus add for other bits so there may be a little hope there OP.

Pringlemonster · 19/12/2020 07:25

No offence
But having read through the thread
All your reasons for not splitting up are financial ones
Do you really love this guy ,or is he a means to put a decent roof over your kids heads ,because they are not his responsibility..
Are you married?
Hopefully you didn’t go in to this arrangement without being married first,knowing how many children are involved.
I’d be asking him to leave ,and telling him you want some space to work things out in your head ...I’d be agreeing with him ,yes it’s not working,he needs to leave ..that will shock him because he will be expecting you to be devastated and begging him for another chance ,call his bluff ,agree ,he needs to leave ,and have Xmas alone while you work out moving forward .
Could your dad sell his house and you and your dad buy something together?

Rainbowqueeen · 19/12/2020 07:26

You will be ok OP.
Completely get that you are gutted right now but he doesn’t sound like he was willing to be in an equal relationship with you.

Please don’t think you have fucked up. Focus on making the best of things.

Work out your financial position. Would you be entitled to uc if he moved out? Could you afford to buy him out?

Wishing you all the best

thelegohooverer · 19/12/2020 07:27

It also sounds like he has mentally checked out of the relationship already. He’s blaming you and punishing you for things because he’s mentally checked out. It’s cruel, because it gives you the impression that there’s a possibility of retrieving the relationship if you’d only... but actually there’s nothing you could say, or do, or be that would change anything.

I know you feel awful now, and you’re in a terrible place in your life. Even if you stayed together, someday you will find the fog of grief and confusion clearing and see him clearly for what he is. Not a man worthy of your love at all. You deserve a rock right now- someone to lean into when you most need comfort and security, not this awful selfish and unkind man pulling the rug from under your life.

You haven’t fucked up. Relationships are a partnership - you can’t steer the boat by yourself when the other person won’t pull their oar. Your df will be sad for you. But you’re not letting him down or failing. You are being failed, which is very different.

Pringlemonster · 19/12/2020 07:35

What would happen if you refuse to sell ..I’m wondering if he can’t force you ,because you have children under 18 .

AmywithanL · 19/12/2020 07:48

you can’t steer the boat by yourself when the other person won’t pull their oar.
Love this comment.

I am so sorry about your situation op, condolences for you dear mum too. What a shit situation but trust me you will get through it, certainly not over your mum passing, but definitely through it.
My mum passed a while ago now and my god I miss her but it does get easier. All cliche sayings I know!
This man is not worth your thoughts from the sound of, the only thing you should think about is you and your children ( and your dad of course, but I wouldnt worry too much about putting this on him yet)

Your (lack of) partner is the one who should be moving out of the home, this is HIS decision so HE should move out. None of it is your fault, you asked for help from your so called partner and this is the response you got?? Not your fault at all.
Has he got family he can go to over christmas so he is ‘out of your hair’ so to speak?? X

Pyewhacket · 19/12/2020 07:55

@Pringlemonster

What would happen if you refuse to sell ..I’m wondering if he can’t force you ,because you have children under 18 .
You can’t stop him selling the house. The equity split will depend on how the property was bought and owned. You could offer to buy him out. If your name is on mortgage the mortgage lender may be amicable as long as you can afford the repayments. If not then you’ll have find something smaller. Other options are to combine with your father. I’m guessing your not married so the father of your children is still liable. First step is to see a solicitor. I know it’s hard but try and stay strong , there will be a solution. And I’m sorry for your loss. I buried my father last week too.
AiryFairyMum · 19/12/2020 08:08

Are you married? This will chance how a split works.

DianaT1969 · 19/12/2020 08:13

Agree that he has checked out. Your financial problem in getting a mortgage isn't insurmountable. Ask around for recommendations of a good broker so that you know how much you can borrow on your earnings with the deposit from the sale of your home. A cheaper area, a cheaper house. I understand you are disappointed, but when one partner checks out, there isn't much you can do. If you think your father would want to live with you, perhaps he'd sell and combine? Or agree to redevelop a new home on his site. With the VAT savings on a new build, it might be cheaper than buying. I guess partnering with your dad on a property depends on what siblings think too, and what is best for your father long-term.

PopsicleHustler · 19/12/2020 08:13

Let him get stuffed

You're better off on your own

MotherofTerriers · 19/12/2020 08:20

Could your dad move in with you and help you buy him out? Would solve the problem of your dad being on his own and there would be a double bedroom with en-suite for him?

2020wish · 19/12/2020 08:21

Oh god he sounds like a nightmare and I agree with other posters.. this is not how a blended family should be. I’ve step children and all of our children combined are treated equally.. that includes presents. If we can’t afford something for them all then one isn’t treated different by getting one big expensive gift. Also I would have allow my partner to order him and his children take away and exclude my children and me. I think I would be done if things like that started to happen. He has done u a favour showing u who he is. I know it’s hard now and he seems like he just doesn’t care about ur recent loss and upsetting the household at Xmas... u honestly deserve so much better. Ur poor dad although he is hurting from his loss he will still be ur dad when u tell him. U both can support each other x

2020wish · 19/12/2020 08:22

Also I like the idea of ur dad moving in with u and helping with money! Sounds like a good idea

burnoutbabe · 19/12/2020 08:22

Not sure it should be equal share of cooking when it's 2 of them and 4 of you (and his son doesn't come home much)

Would be more fair to do 1/3,2/3 I think.
A 5 bed house all en suites sounds massive!
You can't tell him to leave his house, you may have to share until it's sold. Maybe some boys can share until you can sell so adults have own rooms?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2020 08:24

Has he said he’ll move out now he wants to separate? How’s he expecting it to work practically from now on?

He’s obviously got his reasons for wanting out, maybe he feels both he and his son will be happier living on their own. You’re not married so you each walk away with what you came with. As you say, for him the ruined surprise is the final straw after a difficult year. Why did you tell your son? Why didn’t he keep it to himself? Easy from the outside to call it trivial as some people have done but you shouldn’t have done it and he’s obviously very hurt.

It’s awful for you that he’s done this so close to you losing your mum but there’s never a good time. I left my ex husband a couple of months after his dad died and while it might not have looked good, I’d been dying on the inside for a couple of years and just couldn’t take anymore.

2020wish · 19/12/2020 08:25

@burnoutbabe but it’s not 2 of them and 4 of her. It should be 6 of them together regardless of nit picking who’s home and who isn’t. They bought this home together and chose to be a blended family. Not two separate families which is what it has become and it’s causing issues

Mnetter78432 · 19/12/2020 08:26

This is such a cautionary tale about relying on a man financially to support your children when you're not married. The whole situation sounds really difficult, it's a horrendous time for you and he's beyond insensitive to suggest separation now. But, if it's not working for him then he should be allowed to leave and just support him and his child. I'd find it beyond stressful to know I had to be on best behaviour otherwise I couldn't house my kids. Even if you don't split up I would make a very clear plan of how and what you could afford by yourself.

snowisfallingallaroundus · 19/12/2020 08:28

@Sostenueto

Let him go he cannot sell house if u have custody of children till they r older or if it's changed in law then get a good solicitor then stuff him for every single penny you can get for you and the DC. He cannot walk away from his responsibilities. Be strong and be ruthless but don't use the children as a weapon because u could very well lose them if you do.

What a terrible attitude.

He might not have gone about it in the best way but men are allowed to leave a relationship without others saying 'take them for everything'.