I dont want to separate he does

[Sharpasknives]

Just that really. He’s adamant he wants to separate. Weve had a rocky year but always managed to sort things out.
We had an argument and hes decided enough is enough. I cant take anymore as i only buried my mum 2 weeks ago. He wont even pretend over Christmas for the sake of the kids and my ooor dad who will be devastated for me .
Financially i wont have enough out of our house to start again.
Im just devastated

Another one here, sorry for your loss OP

It may look like a mountain right now that you are facing, but let him go. Eventually the storm passes and things will improve.

You are grieving. Sometimes a partner can't take it when the other person is consumed by an issue like a sick person in their own family. They get resentful that the attention is on someone else.
Who gives a shit over being told about a present??
Funny how you lost your mother, your son lost his Grandmother, yet your partner has to kick up an enormous stink over a stupid present situation.
You and son have to put your grieving aside because this massive diversion has been created that oddly enough attracts attention to your partner so he can go 'Boo Hoo what about me I am the victim here'...
Teenagers are more vulnerable emotionally than adults. So look after your son's needs first.

[quote Techway]@Elfieishere, anyone is entitled to leave a relationship but to do it 2 weeks after the loss of a parent and a week before Christmas when there are children involved is lacking in empathy.

Op, how is the atmosphere in the house? Are you both able to be civil and grown up about this or is the anger from him and your hurt too visible to the children?

Ideally you could calmly agree that blending families hasn't worked and that you need to live separately. The house situation will resolve itself. It can't be sold immediately so you will need to work out how you negotiate finances during this time.

How he ended his last relationship will be how he deals with yours...does he have an amicable relationship with his Ex?[/quote]
I’m sorry but I don’t agree. The OP has said it’s been rocky for a while. This has just broke the camels back. Her son was spiteful by telling his son and I have no idea why she would even tell her son in the first place.

It’s sad her mother has passed away but how long should he stay in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in. There is always and will always be another reason to stay. Birthdays, Xmas, Valentine’s Day, Holidays, days out already planned and lockdowns currently.

I can imagine he doesn’t Particularly care about Xmas now the OP son has ruined his sons surprise. The OP doesn’t sound like she likes his son either.. moaning he doesn’t cook and yet he doesn’t eat the meals she makes anyway so realistically what is the problem? If you make a extra portion just put it in the fridge if he doesn’t come home. Problem solved. No need for it to be a issue.

Maybe the reason his son is staying out is because he doesn’t like living with the OP and her kids and he’s expressed that to his dad. There are a lot of factors here the OP hasn’t commented on.

Weve had a rocky year but always managed to sort things out.

Its draining when a relationship is on the rocks for a long time.

We had an argument and hes decided enough is enough.

I don't get the sense you were apologetic about breaking his trust from this.

I can't think of any logical reason you told your son about it.

I admit i should never have told my son. Hold my hands up to that but I genuinely dod not think he would say anything. For what its worth step son asked my son outright .
I accept that if i hadnt told him he coukd have said i dont know. Accept full responsibility.
Next step son told his mum who then rang to let partner know his surpise had been ruined.
Totally unnecessary and mean. But entirely my fault at the outset.
I do like stepson but have cone to the conclusion we have different values. Mine are expected to do chores stepson is not.
The cooking situation was more to do with me cooking shopping and meal planning everyday despite working full time.when I brought this up partners answer was he will shoo and cook separately. What i wanted was some help.
Im sure lockdown has contributed as ive been wfh and ny world has shrunk.
I have apologised and so has my son i was looking forwards to seeing his face .

I agree op, it was unnecessary and mean of your son to tell him ans knowingly ruin his Christmas surprise, but what’s done is done. Has your son explained why he did it?

He says he asked and he told him. Ive tried not to go on and on about it he knows he did the wrong thing and has apologised.

It was shitty of him but as said, it’s done now.

Sorry you lost your DM. So hard for you. Dont blame yourself re spoiled surprise- you werent to know your son would say and him doing so clearly shows the tensions in the family. The relationship didnt end because of it. It’s mean of P to end relationship at this time which is often a tense time anyway without loss of your mum and lockdown. Dont tell your DF for now let yourself absorb whats going on. You can move on - you can sell the house and get something smaller. You’ve moved on before you can do it again. Dont think about what P’s thinking, think about yourself. Get some counseling and confide in some RL friends for support too.

You and your children do sound a bit resentful/jealous of the stepson you be honest. If he feels this too his dad is doing the right thing by putting his son first and moving out, sorry.

Yeah; it's clearly not working, for a variety of reasons. In fairness, your SS probably feels uncomfortable in a house where he's certainly outnumbered and possibly overwhelmed, by your three boys, especially where you and your partner disagree on parenting.
There are reasons other than spite why your son might have spilled the beans, and the scenario given is completely plausible. You should not have told your son; that was bloody silly. And he shouldn't have told your 'SS'. But your SS shouldn't have asked, and his mother didn't need to get involved. And it was a hard line for your partner to take, especially at this time; especially when your mum has just died. It's not a reasonable stance, no matter what a handful of PPs have said. It's a Christmas present, ffs. But he's obviously clearly checked-out.
As PP have noted, your biggest problem seems to be how wedded you are to a big house. You can't afford one, now. But that's fine, because you and your boys will be happier in your new digs. They aren't babies; odds are that in 3-5 years they'll be at Uni, or will have moved out. Maybe rent until that time, and then buy something quite small.
And I'm so sorry about your mum. Awful for you x

Hi OP, huge sympathy regarding the loss of your mother. I'm not going to comment on the present issue as you've apologised and so has your son. It does sound a much bigger, wider build up than this one isolated event though. I think you said you've all been living together for three years? Long enough for your partner to have a good view on whether it works for him and his son or not. If the son is "out" a lot, it does sound as if he might feel outnumbered?

Just thinking re your update on the cooking ..... you are not unreasonable at all - but my household has always been just DD and me, and I'm a reluctant cook. Since she's come home after university, we cook separately which is a relief. If during her teenage years, I had suddenly had to cook for six instead of two, I'd have slightly panicked. These things should of course have occurred to him before he went ahead and bought the house etc. but I guess he'd become accustomed to you doing everything.

The house isnt an issue. I will find something else.

I can't believe these nasty posters going on and on how 'shitty' your DS was to tell your Stepson.
Most kids would have told, especially being put on the spot like that, particularly if he's an honest sort of boy and not good at lying.
My DS is a bit younger and I don't think he would have been able to hold that much exciting information in.
These posters are as bad as your DP - putting this on a 16 year old boy's head is frankly disgusting.

Harsh as it may seem, your sons are not his responsibility and he has no obligation to house them.

Does their father/fathers not pay maintenance?

As a single parent myself I have always been so wary of creating a life for them that I could not afford to maintain by myself, which means I have a small house with only one bathroom between 4 of us which obviously not ideal but at least it's secure whatever happens.

Their dad decided to take on a big house with huge mortgage with his partner, which is all well and good as long as they stay together. If they don't they'll have to sell it and move which is the reality of joint home ownership. It's always a gamble which I wasn't willing to take with my kids security.

@Elfieishere, I would expect more empathy as the loss of a parent isn't an annual event like Valentines day or birthdays. How you leave one relationship is what you bring into another relationship.

You and her partner obviously have less empathy but I'm grateful that not everyone is like that. Both adults could have agreed on a way to separate and then tell the children..that would have been the emotionally mature way to handle this.

Op, it is a big lesson on difficulties of blending families, its extremely tricky and parenting gaps widen in the teen years as it's a more challenging time. As you've discovered underlying values become so much more important and sometimes the gaps cannot be closed. I hope your son feels OK as this could be an emotional burden to him.

The mental and physical load of constant meal planning and preparation cannot be underestimated so am not surprised you asked for some help. I think it is reasonable for you to do a bit more as you have the 3 sons eating with you and his is often not there, however his reaction to not eat with you was an indication of how he felt. So sorry you have lost your mum and now have this atmosphere and uncertainty to deal with, but one day you can be with a partner who doesn't react like that to being asked for help.

For information - i put a large deposit on the jouse so it is me that is carrying him , not me sponging off him. He has no obligation to support me and my sons - bills are divided by ratio so i pay 4/6 of utilities he pays 2/6. The mortgage payments likewise

You'll be fine financially. It's very sad. And he may calm down and then leave you with a decision to make. How do your sons feel about the split?

@Elfieishere you are coming across really nasty on this thread. @Sharpasknives sorry for your loss 🌸

For obvious reasons i havnt said anything to them as yet .

The cooking situation was more to do with me cooking shopping and meal planning everyday despite working full time.when I brought this up partners answer was he will shoo and cook separately. What i wanted was some help.

From his POV, he probably doesn't want the stress and hassle of cooking for 6...so now he just has to worry about him and his DS...which doesn't leave you doing anymore than if you lived with your sons.

You wanted help with cooking for you and your kids...his stance was to take the extra work off your hands. You said earlier that your DS can cook (and his can't), so that should lighten the load for you if that's the case.

My DS is a bit younger and I don't think he would have been able to hold that much exciting information in.

Which is why he should never have been privvy to that information...especially if he's an honest sort of boy.

Keeping a surprise is nothing to do with honesty FFS... wrong is wrong and doesn't need defending like this..but it was the responsibility of the OP not to divulge this information.

By telling her son, she showed there are 2 camps in the house and drawing it to an end is best for everyone.

I would also end a relationship if I felt I couldn't trust my partner...especially when there are no shared DC, if money wasn't an issue and where it has been rocky for a while anyway. This would just be confirmation that it's not working.

He could have decided not to end it and withhold information he doesn't want leaked in the future, but what's the point of that kind of relationship where you can't trust your partner.

Even if your DS didn't say anything before Christmas, if I was your OH and found out you had told him, I'd still not be impressed about it....because I'd be wondering how many other things you'd shared with him and wouldn't believe if you said this is the only thing.

Your poor son. You had no right to tell him, that one is totally on you for blabbing, and how does he know your partner's said that's the reason? Please don't say you told him that too.

I would love to hear the other side of this.

That’s really harsh if your partner told your son that it was his fault you’re splitting up. It’s totally not his fault.

Oh gosh so you are dealing with this on your own as I am guessing you have not told your Dad. You are very brave.

Guys I don't think another post criticising the OP for telling her son is achieving anything.