I dont want to separate he does

[Sharpasknives]

Just that really. He’s adamant he wants to separate. Weve had a rocky year but always managed to sort things out.
We had an argument and hes decided enough is enough. I cant take anymore as i only buried my mum 2 weeks ago. He wont even pretend over Christmas for the sake of the kids and my ooor dad who will be devastated for me .
Financially i wont have enough out of our house to start again.
Im just devastated

It sounds as though you’re only sad about the financial aspect of splitting up? You’ll be fine OP, you were before him and you’ll be fine again now.

I’m sorry for your loss

It sounds like there were expectations on your part that moving in together would mean blending your families and this just hasn’t happened. You say you’ve had a rocky year. I wonder if he’s come to this decision over the last year and the present argument gave him the push he needed to tell you.

It’s terrible timing. You’re already dealing with the loss of your mother. For some reason relationship troubles often come to a head right before Christmas. Everything must seem very uncertain. I know that you’re loathe to burden your father and your poor DS is blaming himself for blabbing over the present - that’s not why this break up is happening and the fact that your DP used it as an excuse shows how little the welfare of your children ever mattered to him. I think that pulling together as a family is what will help you get through this.

Your hopes of coming together as a blended family haven’t materialised but your family can make a fresh start together. It sounds like you’re raising caring, capable sons. Try to enjoy Christmas with them, remember the good times with your mother together and in the NewYear work out a plan for the future.

@WB205020 - how do we know that it was spitefully done? Maybe the 16 year old was excited about it. Or the teenager just didn't realise the fallout. We've all done silly things when we were young. The teenager thinks he caused the loss of their home and relationship. That's quite a burden for a 16 year old.

It’s not your son’s fault this was the final straw for your ex but it is his fault for blabbing. Why on Earth did you tell him? Was he jealous of the nice gift and that someone else was getting it? It’s also your fault for telling him. Not a dumpable offence in normal circumstances but these weren’t normal if the relationship has been in trouble and you’ve been unblending anyway.

I’m not sure you can expect your ex to leave unless he’s got somewhere suitable to go. You own the house equally.

Maybe the 16 year old was excited about it.

Where did you live 3 years ago? Just think then you could
Afford somewhere on your own, and you will again. You will get money back from the house sale, if all else fails and you can't secure a mortgage then look into renting. I know it’s not ideal when you are used to owning but, what can you do! Help to buy scheme is coming back I wonder if that could help you as it’s lower mortgage you will need. Don’t beat yourself up, obviously it’s very strange your 16 year old told his son Because he does know better at that age and it just seems abit mean, but that is no reason to leave his mother that's absolutely crazy. No way on earth is this the reason he is leaving. He’s checked out and used any excuse, hold onto the anger of him doing this just after your mum has died, use it to keep you going. Sorry about your mum also xxx

@Annelovesgilbert.
Yes. Excited about the gift.
Is there something complex about a 16 year old being excited about a family member getting a new pony/car/scooter/Xbox?

When you’re talking about big one off presents for teenage boys it’s usually tech so I think there’s a good chance it was excitement + accident. Talking about being able to play as a team on the same game after Christmas or talking about the pros and cons of gaming accessories knowing that the lad will have X laptop or console.

Don’t focus on the leak of the gift. That was obviously the final nail in the relationship. His timing is poor but he is allowed to do what he likes and you have no choice but to just accept it and sort out the financial side of things as amicably as you can.

[quote DianaT1969]@Annelovesgilbert.
Yes. Excited about the gift.
Is there something complex about a 16 year old being excited about a family member getting a new pony/car/scooter/Xbox?[/quote]
If he was excited he’d have looked forward to this boy receiving the gift, on Christmas Day, not ruin the surprise. I’d be concerned about a 16 year old who found it hard to understand why his actions weren’t helpful or kind.

Incredibly sad but sounds like he is done. Ask him what he'll like to do now as there is nothing you can do to move.
He can't ask you to move specially during the pandemia.
The ball is on his court now. You are suffering tremendous amount of loss but once you know what he wants to do you can plan ahead.

Families don't break apart over spoilt surprise. You need to be very clear with your son that your relationship had deep rooted problems.

To be honest his son not coming home to eat his tea wouldn't have bothered me.

I'd just cook enough, if he eats fine...if he doesn't that's fine. If him not not coming home was a regular thing, I would just cook for those in the house at the time.

You made the issue about his son, so his response was to take his son out of the equation and you were each responsible for your own children.

Why did you feel the need to tell your son what his child was getting? I would find that annoying as well, but it's just the final straw. The relationship seems to have had some difficulties and not been great for a bit, so it's probably for the best.

You'll need to figure out the finances and how to house yourself and the boys, but don't be pushed out before you're ready.

A 16 yo would know better than to ruin the surprise...16 NOT 6.

I would not be begging him. Just try and be positive about the future whatever that may be.

I think he's decided to do what he feels is best and will have no problem moving on.

@Sharpasknives

I broke his trust , he had bought a very expensive one off present for his child this Christmas. I told my 16 year old who then told my partners child . He can’t get over the spoilt surprise. I never ever thought my teenager would tell. Now he says he can’t trust me anymore

Sorry to hear about your mum OP, please do look after yourself

To be honest, I don't know why you would tell your 16 year old when it doesn't concern them at all (they could have told because they were jealous of what his child was getting).

Could you spend Christmas with your dad (assuming it's reasonably safe to do so). I'm sure he'd hate to be alone on Christmas day anyway when his spouse recently died.

@Elfieishere, anyone is entitled to leave a relationship but to do it 2 weeks after the loss of a parent and a week before Christmas when there are children involved is lacking in empathy.

Op, how is the atmosphere in the house? Are you both able to be civil and grown up about this or is the anger from him and your hurt too visible to the children?

Ideally you could calmly agree that blending families hasn't worked and that you need to live separately. The house situation will resolve itself. It can't be sold immediately so you will need to work out how you negotiate finances during this time.

How he ended his last relationship will be how he deals with yours...does he have an amicable relationship with his Ex?

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s not your son’s fault this was the final straw for your ex but it is his fault for blabbing. Why on Earth did you tell him? Was he jealous of the nice gift and that someone else was getting it? It’s also your fault for telling him. Not a dumpable offence in normal circumstances but these weren’t normal if the relationship has been in trouble and you’ve been unblending anyway.

I’m not sure you can expect your ex to leave unless he’s got somewhere suitable to go. You own the house equally.

Agree with this. To be perfectly honest I also think the split ounds like the right thing because the OP and the boyfriend aren't on the same page in terms of relationship expectations and will only cause further problems down the line. The boyfriend telling OP about the gift and trusting her with what would be a magnificent surprise for his own son (I guess it's something like a PS5) was an 'us'(we the adult couple) vs 'them' thing (the teens). It's what any parents who are couple are like when discussing surprise Xmas gifts for their joint kids. No parent would then go and tell one of the kids about the Xmas gift behind the other parent's back.

I'm sure contributed to his overall feeling that OP and her son are really just one 'family' who confide in each other, rather than a normal family dynamic where the parents see each other as the primary confidants and know what is appropriate to share with their children. I would be beyond angry if I were him - you really should have told him that you were planning to tell your son about it. He only found out you did this because his son then told him. In his place, I would also be wondering what else have I told you that you're inappropriately confiding to your teen son about...

@2020wish

Oh god he sounds like a nightmare and I agree with other posters.. this is not how a blended family should be. I’ve step children and all of our children combined are treated equally.. that includes presents. If we can’t afford something for them all then one isn’t treated different by getting one big expensive gift. Also I would have allow my partner to order him and his children take away and exclude my children and me. I think I would be done if things like that started to happen. He has done u a favour showing u who he is. I know it’s hard now and he seems like he just doesn’t care about ur recent loss and upsetting the household at Xmas... u honestly deserve so much better. Ur poor dad although he is hurting from his loss he will still be ur dad when u tell him. U both can support each other x

But the OP and this boyfriend aren't married - he's not even legally committed to her, so why should he be forking out for kids that don't belong to him and limiting what he wants to provide for the child he's actually responsible for? Their own dad should be providing for the other teens. Reading between the lines, it seems the boyfriend is getting tired of supporting the teens he's not responsible for and of the OP expecting that he should do so. Totally crazy of them not to have discussed it and agreed on how this would work before buying an expensive house together.

In any case it sounds like the OP and the kids that aren't his have already benefited lot from the high earning boyfriend due to a big house the OP wouldn't been able to afford, so she'll leave the relationship in a financially better state regardless.. If the boyfriend is the high earner and is able to upkeep the house, it makes most sense for him to pay OP her share and for her and the other teens to leave. If this isn't what the OP wanted then she should have married him before they bought together.

@Longdistance

He sounds horrible. He couldn’t just wait til after Christmas could he? You’re grieving for your dm and then he sticks the knife in. I couldn’t get over that. So sorry for your loss

Horrible timing.

Sounds like long overdue good riddance though.

If your kids are mid/late teems they'll be moving on in a few short years; you can make do in a smaller, more affordable house. Own bedroom and en-suite per person seems mad anyway.

OP, he's done you a favour.

Nasty lazy shit of a man who has bailed out the moment he sees you not happy to be his domestic servant. The present thing is an excuse.

Be warned: it's likely that this is to get you back in your box, in which case once you nod and say yes, certinaly wouldn't want to stay with a man who would strop off over a present... he might backtrack. Don't let him: get rid.

Could you live with your dad? Because that would be my plan: sell the house, get your dad to sell his and you join forces? - you could look after your dad a bit and you'd both have company. Ok... I guess that's not the best option for possibly finding a new partner over time possibly BUT - there are really quite a few positives to not having to think about accommodating twatty men!

Condolences on the loss of your mum.

Don't see the end of this relationship as you fucking up though, you haven't. You simply hitched your wagon to the wrong man.

Let your dad support you through this, be honest with him and allow him to take care of you if he wants to.

See a solicitor as soon as you can and get the financial side of things sorted asap. You don't need a 4 bed, 4 bathroom house - your children will be off leading their own lives within the next few years, so maybe rent something to tide you over.
Forget about it being Christmas - ignore the TV ads showing happy families, and crack on with getting on with your new life.

His DS is 16 and a party animal, and that's just accepted by his Dad - great parenting. Not only that, but he's over-compesating and showing off in front of you and you DC's noses by buying an expensive present just for him, that I doubt you could do for your own DC's. Overall, it doesn't like you were ever at the blended family point. You were two separate families, living in the same house. You split everything equally, despite your DP earning much more than you, I guess you mean amenities, as I would guess you pay for your DC's clothes and other needs, given that he would not split the food equally. I think you needed a deeper discussion about how it was was going to work, before you moved in together, then further discussion of roles once covid conditions kicked in. You fell into an unequal, partisan system that your DP created, and , understandably, you and probably your DC's, are not happy with it.
Your DP might be more reasonable after he's had time to cool off about the present. However, I think it's you who should find your anger and draw a line in the sand as how you have been living is not acceptable. If you do split, I hope you can find a way to keep it amicable with your DP. That will be the best way to get all that you put into the house back out, for the sake of your DC's.
His DC is his problem he has created, his behaviour shows that he could of done with some stability in life, but his dad is letting him down and has created further instability for him by being so keen to split another family, that is on him. Bide you time, try not to start arguments, calmly discuss financial details ( keep him sweet basically so you don't lose your deposit as it might rely on his good will to pay you back what you are owed). I hope he can be reasonable, your best approach is an amicable separation, you and your DC's will be better off in the long run without his and his DS's disruption.

His timing is not at all great. It sounds like it was a final straw thing. Your teen that spoiled the surprise should feel bed! It’ll probably teach him to keep a secret next time. It sounds like blending this family really hasn’t worked. Anyway nothing is going to happen that quickly. Have your Xmas however you can (perhaps you and your boys could go to your dads with the meal and spend the day with him? Concentrate on looking after your dad, who will still care about his daughter, and it might give him something to think about other than your mum.. In the New Year start looking a solicitors etc. You’ll be ok. Just tread water for now.

Thank you all.
Food for thought. We are 2 separate families living under one roof. I will take time to reflect.

Sorry for the loss of your DM

It is a pity the children could not have helped with the cooking 1 or 2 nights a week, even if your partner was not interested. Do any of them help with chores round the household ?

There is never a good time to have an argument or to break up.

It is better to have a small happy family, than live in a blended unhappy family

Stay strong, it has been a difficult year

Good luck