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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont want to separate he does

144 replies

Sharpasknives · 19/12/2020 02:57

Just that really. He’s adamant he wants to separate. Weve had a rocky year but always managed to sort things out.
We had an argument and hes decided enough is enough. I cant take anymore as i only buried my mum 2 weeks ago. He wont even pretend over Christmas for the sake of the kids and my ooor dad who will be devastated for me .
Financially i wont have enough out of our house to start again.
Im just devastated

OP posts:

Amira19 · 20/12/2020 17:32

Tbh hes not wrong to want to leave the relationship timing is bad but youre ds telling his ds the suprise that age has hit the nail on the head. It sounds like its been an us verses them situation and likely that its not working. Its best to have a clear break and move forward no matter how hard it is. I dont see how you're relationship would affect youre df though tbh.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 20/12/2020 18:22

bills are divided by ratio so i pay 4/6 of utilities he pays 2/6. The mortgage payments likewise

That's odd.

Earlier you said:
i put more in as a deposit but he pays double mortgage.
We are financially equal in the house

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 20/12/2020 20:03

@Hazelnutlatteplease

bills are divided by ratio so i pay 4/6 of utilities he pays 2/6. The mortgage payments likewise

That's odd.

Earlier you said:
i put more in as a deposit but he pays double mortgage.
We are financially equal in the house

I thought that, too. Assumed I'd missed something.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 20/12/2020 21:00

I meant we are equally putting in our share

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 20/12/2020 21:04

That's not equal!

Opentooffers · 20/12/2020 21:11

He's seen you coming, you've helped him get a nice big home. Which is it, either he's paying double what you pay in mortgage or 2/6. Can't be both? Plus, the cost of heating the home, paying council tax, water rates etc would be similar if no kids lived in it, so splitting 6 ways is not reasonable at all, same with mortgage. Did you really go along with that financial arrangement at the start and think it fair? You were agreeing to a decisive arrangement from the off if so

Opentooffers · 20/12/2020 21:12

Divisive arrangement

HereIAmOnceAgain · 20/12/2020 21:18

The only way sharing mortgage payments that way would be fair is if you'd ring fenced your deposit and agreed to an ownership division that would share the rest of the equity as 2/3 to you and 1/3 to him. There are ways to specify ownership share, but if that hasn't been done legally than he should have been paying at least 50% mortgage, more if your deposit wasn't ring fenced. Otherwise he walks away with a chunk of your money.

Jackabobbo · 20/12/2020 21:22

It doesn't sound as though it's been a happy relationship. The way he has handled things - like cooking separately rather than sharing responsibility, isn't great, and the timing of telling you this just after your mum died (I am very sorry btw) is not nice at all.

I think the focus on your son/the present is a bit of a red herring. Upsetting I'm sure but not the worst thing to happen in the world.

You're going through a lot right now op, and it must feel so overwhelming but you will manage. Take it step by step, a day at a time. He doesn't sound like he's being very reasonable to talk to at the moment but maybe it's best if you try and avoid each other as much as possible for a little while just to cool off a bit, and then you can start making plans about how to go about things with the house. You will get it sorted somehow, and you're not failure at all. Relationships end all the time, it doesn't make you a bad person. Just try to learn from it what you can, and focus on you and your DC and doing what is best for you all.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 20/12/2020 21:22

The financial arrangements are not the issue here.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 20/12/2020 21:23

Splitting equally in a relationship can go one of 2 ways, 50/50 on everything, which leaves you with less disposable as you earn less, or proportionately with earnings - which is more fair, and he would be paying more than 50% being the higher earner ( earnings including adding what you get in CMS, and maybe after CMS is taken off his wage if it is - does he have his DS less than 50/50?).

Opentooffers · 20/12/2020 21:30

I think you will find that the finances reflect how separate and unequal your relationship has been. But, keep him sweet, if you're lucky, and he stays reasonable, he might give you more than 50% of the value of the house back, but he by no means has to, you'd be relying on his good will, which is not usually in supply during a breakup. Legally, he's entitled to 50% equity.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 20/12/2020 21:38

Legally we saw solicitors and had an agreement drawn up so please this is not a concern.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 20/12/2020 21:48

I put more in as a deposit but he pays double mortgage.

I meant we are equally putting in our share

How on earth does him paying double, equate to putting in equal shares. You've told 2 different versions and your explanation, makes no sense at all.

The financial arrangements are not the issue here.

Indeed....but the variation and contradictions could be.

My teens cook his doesn’t. Part of the underlying problem

As its has been lockdown and i was working from home i ended up doing all the cooking.

Again... if your teens cook you can't have been doing all the cooking. Both statements can't be true.

Next step son told his mum who then rang to let partner know his surpise had been ruined.
Totally unnecessary and mean

Unnecessary and mean of who? SS's mum?

For what its worth step son asked my son outright .

He just asked your DS out of nowhere what his Christmas present was from his dad? Why would he think that your DS would actually know the answer, unless this isn't the first time your DS has known this kind of information.

It's just not my experience that one sibling asks another what the parent has got them for Christmas, much less a not even stepbrother....these aren't little excited kids. I'm sorry, but something doesn't quite add up regarding the whole incident....but that's for you to reflect on, as it makes no difference because your partner is done.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 20/12/2020 21:49

Percentage of equity entitlement is not always 50/50 when 2 unmarried people buy a house together. It depends if the purchase was as a joint tenancy or tenants in common. Tenants in common can own 50/50 or in any other defined percentage. It is also possible in either form of property purchase to legally secure your deposit so that amount of equity is solely yours. And it matters OP because he wants to separate. It only takes one party wanting to leave for the relationship to be over.

Sorry for the sidebar. I know it's shitty timing and devastating for you. What do you need from this OP? No one here can advise you how to save this relationship if he's determined to go. I'd think right now it would be get through Christmas however you can then in the new year see a solicitor, work out what you'll be working with in terms of equity you will probably get from house sale, work out your options, sit down and discuss with STBEP and move forward as best you can.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 20/12/2020 21:52

Sorry just seen your update re having a signed legal agreement about equity. So what do you need right now to get through Christmas?

HermioneKipper · 20/12/2020 21:58

Could your dad sell up and put some money in and move in with you? Is he local?

HermioneKipper · 20/12/2020 21:59

Sorry to hear about this OP, he sounds like he’s checked out. What absolutely awful timing. Sending love for a good Christmas

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 20/12/2020 22:21

As its has been lockdown and i was working from home i ended up doing all the cooking.

Again... if your teens cook you can't have been doing all the cooking. Both statements can't be true.

dont be so pedantic. I was doing 90%of the cooking or definitely more thsn he was which was my issue

The conversation went stepson asked my son what he was getting for Christmas.my child replied with he is getting. He then said i hope im getting xxxxxx. Do you know what my dads got me ? Of course this is only the version i have been told.

Actuslly an update for anyone who is interested is that we are talking things through so with some counselling we could address some of the issues.

On an aside i am surprised and saddened to see how quick some of you are to stick in the knife. Thank you to all that gave advice and acknowledgment of this being a difficult time for me

OP posts:

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