I dont want to separate he does

[Sharpasknives]

Just that really. He’s adamant he wants to separate. Weve had a rocky year but always managed to sort things out.
We had an argument and hes decided enough is enough. I cant take anymore as i only buried my mum 2 weeks ago. He wont even pretend over Christmas for the sake of the kids and my ooor dad who will be devastated for me .
Financially i wont have enough out of our house to start again.
Im just devastated

Very selfish of him to do this during a hard time for you but I think in the long run it will be the best for you, it doesn't sound like a happy relationship.
My ex dumped me when I was in hospital after 20 years of doing everything for him and being the main bread winner, he just didn't give a shit. didn't even leave me a car or anyway to get home.
I realised then how very selfish and self serving he always was and now I'm much happier alone.

Op you were housing uou and your children three years ago. You can agree how to get your deposit back when the house is sold. You haven’t fucked up. Relationships end. Your father has nothing to be upset about.

OP, do you get maintenance from your DC’s dad?

I am sorry as you sound so shocked but I think your partner is looking to punish you for standing up for yourself. This is often the style of someone extremely emotional immature. Can you look back and see other red flags, does he deal with emotions badly, has he always had limited empathy?

His attitude over the meals was the beginning of the end so he was probadly waiting for you to transgress further.

I suggest you don't engage with him about it, go about life as normal as you can. He is looking for your reaction as it's his way of dealing with his upset feeling, he hurts you and so feels less hurt. Does he have a poor relationship with his ex?

Firstly,don't panic about the finances, of course it's worrying but there is usually a way forward. You won't be able to see it now. Wait for your shock and fear to subside and then after Christmas you can take practical steps.
I'm assuming from what you have said you have a Deed of Trust in place to cover the house?

Trust that there will he solutions and this is right for you, even if very painful now.

Relationships end. Your father shouldn't be making you feel bad about it. You haven't fucked up,

Blended families are bloody hard to make work. Two unevenly sized blended families with disparity of income and no joint children always had the odds stacked against it. Personally i think youd have been absolutely mad complaining about the cooking when he's paying the mortgage on a house where each of your sons has an ensuite. It isnt hard to leap from cooking for 4 to cooking for 6. It's a massive leap in economic contribution providing for 6 compared to 2. The relationship has really got to be something special to survive that kind of hit to lifestyle. Tbh i think you were both a bit naive expecting that one to work. It was going to fail when he twigged.

I doubt you will need a solicitor to unpick the house. You just need to know if you are joint tenants or tenants in common which will have beeen decided when you bought
The house. That will decide whether you own the property 50/50 or in a different decided proportion. I'm hoping you have a declaration of trust ring fencing your deposit.

@Sostenueto

Let him go he cannot sell house if u have custody of children till they r older or if it's changed in law then get a good solicitor then stuff him for every single penny you can get for you and the DC. He cannot walk away from his responsibilities. Be strong and be ruthless but don't use the children as a weapon because u could very well lose them if you do.

They’re not his children though. They’re not his responsibility to house adequately.

The timing is terrible but if he knows it's over then pretending over Christmas might not be something he could do.
You son telling his son about the present could be seen as a really nasty bullying thing to have done. I could see how that could be a 'last straw'

We are financially equal in the house but he has much more income than me.
My dad is 87 and wouldnt like to live with us.
We will leave the relationship with what we put in.
We have nowhere to go until this sells

Once a relationship is over there is no putting it back together...he has the right to leave and to rearrange your finances accordingly. Sounds like you are having a tough time but you will need to face the reality of this too.

No big deal then youre literally in the same position financially as if you had never lived together. Get the house on the market, stay in the house until it sells. Empty (half) of any joint accounts and close them down. I would get it all done as quickly and painlessly as possible so the good memories arent tainted by drama at the end of the relationship.

It is pretty rude of him to do this right before Christmas and right after your mum passed.

With the cooking, there are 4 teens and 2 adults and then is no reason at all for you to be doing it all. Each could have had one day a week were they were in charge of the cooking, which would have made it fair. Then a takeaway on the 7th day.

What was your living situation before buying the house with him?

I think Stepfamilies are difficult to negotiate .However seems like this is the last straw really .I think he sounds selfish and rather unkind TBH. A week before Christmas? Really ! let him go .I think if you shop around you may find a mortgage ,Maybe have to think of a 2 bed somewhere though .

Please don’t get obsessed with bedroom numbers and keeping the status quo. You have equity in your house, so you can get somewhere decent and rent if necessary— even for a year whilst you clear your head. Given that Brexit May tank the market in some areas that would make sense. This guy has mentally checked out , he’s looking for excuses now so he doesn’t feel bad about it

My teens cook his doesn’t. Part of the underlying problem

@madcatladyforever - what a charmer.

@sharpasknives - for him to do this now at such a sad time for you says a lot about him. I can understand his upset, but his reaction is way over the top, unless it was the final icing on the cake for him.

For you now with crystal clear hindsight of course most teenagers would find it hard not to say anything. I feel very sorry for your DS because he's going to be feeling very responsible for this utter devastation.

He left this relationship a long time ago.

You don't need to tell your dad anything until it actually happens. My gran died never knowing that my parents had split up.

You do sound more worried about your dad's reaction than your kids reaction, and they live with your partner. This suggests they're not madly keen on him, sorry if this is wrong.

As others have said, this needs a solicitor. Do you think you DP will be reasonable?

Big hand hold here. Don't worry about your dad as yet, you don't need to say anything right now. You don't mention anything about the childrens dad? Where is he in all of this? Can he help out with the boys until you get yourself sorted? It's no ones fault, as other posters have said, blended families are tricky and your partner has decided he doesn't want the relationship anymore. He sounded like very hard work anyway and not being part of your blended family. Look at selling the house, get the money you put in and see what you can do with perhaps selling your fathers place then buying a bigger property for you all. You must concentrate on you and the boys, leave the partner to do what he needs to do and let him go. I know its hard.

I have said please go. My kids dad is very settled with a new partner, we get on ok.
My teenager feels so bad although i keep telling him that this is not his fault, stuff happens for a reason, no way is he to blame
He cant stop crying.

You seem a little too fixated on your partner's earnings. You were presumably able to live and house your children before you met him. You'll need to dig deep and find that "old you". You can do this. The timing is terrible, as you should be allowed to grieve for your mum, instead of sorting this. A new start in the New Year.

Why is it a problem that his teen doesn’t cook yet you have said he hardly turns up for tea

To be honest you have said you have been rocky for ages. Your son was spiteful and told his son what he was getting for Xmas. I don’t even know why you told your son either.

He’s entitled to leave if he isn’t happy. Why should he stay and pretend to play happy families. You have no children together either and you don’t particularly sound like you like his son.

So sorry for your son. I hope that you can convince him it's not his fault. Your partner should try to convince him too. Such dreadful timing on the part of your partner, and the emotionally damaging way he has done this to your DC. It doesn't seem like it - but any man capable of doing this, isn't good enough for you.

@Elfieishere
I couldn’t agree more. I swear people don’t read threads before responding half the time. If the relationship hasn’t been good why stick around. The latest issue of you teen telling his child about the present sounds the straw that broke the camels back. It’s not an isolated incident. You are all better off out of it.

Reading all your posts on this thread, I cannot see why, apart from for financial reasons, you would want to be with this man. He sounds nasty. You and your children will be far better off without him, even if you are living in a small house with one bathroom.

@DianaT1969
OPs son, who is old enough to know better being a teenager, spitefully told his child about a surprise present knowing it was a surprise. That’s nasty and spiteful.