Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Someone tell me he’s not having the happy time I imagine :(

143 replies

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 18:53

I know that it’s not good to be bitter and I’m having tons of therapy. I’ve posted before in case anyone jumps on me for this! I had some great support I’m just struggling a lot today and in the lead up to Christmas. Basically my fiancé left me out of the blue, literally one day with me, the next moved out and a text saying he was sorry. I literally walked into a half empty house. I found out a few months later that he’d met someone (live in a small town) and they were pregnant..this happened about a month after he left me and apparently wasn’t planned. I’ve been told through a friend of a friend that he was horrified about it. But when he was born they moved in...which I get, obviously they want to try and make it work. They’ve been living together for 6 months now and to be honest it’s destroyed me. I feel like how could he have walked out on me and now after not even speaking to her for months does he get his happy little family...while I sit here alone with absolutely nobody with me, no happy household no Christmas tree. I know i sound bitter and I am. I’m getting therapy. I just can’t get it out of my head that he’s there in blissful family life after he left me so callously and coldly after 6 years together. I have so many images of him in my old home just having a wonderful time with a ready made family and it’s making me feel a million times worse. Our wedding was supposed to be last weekend too :(

OP posts:

PurplePansy05 · 15/12/2020 18:58

OP. Handhold. This isn't easy

To be completely honest, if I was the OW, I'd forever think he might leave me for someone else again. And this wouldn't be fun, as you know. The relationship would always be tainted and far from perfect for me. I'd also feel guilty/embarrassed. Again, not something I'd want in a relationship.

I think you've had a lucky escape from this man and you'll see it in few years time when you'll be counting your own blessings, which no doubt will come, and I wish you that from the bottom of my heart. Hang in there now, this bad time will pass.

Abcd14 · 15/12/2020 18:58

Didn't want to read and run.. Hugs.. His loss, you sound lovely.. The grass isn't always greener although it may appear that way.

Original poster

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:01

She’s wasn’t the OW though. He met her on a night out a few weeks after we spilt. The thing that makes me feel shit is he was texting me after a couple of months saying he wanted to meet and see me and then that happened and I suddenly heard nothing from him! So he basically discarded me twice. The second time as soon as he found out about them having a son. I feel so shit and I don’t know how to face Christmas knowing they are two roads away having a wonderful family time. I feel sick even typing it

OP posts:

TheSockMonster · 15/12/2020 19:10

I’m sorry, that’s a horrible thing to go through

I split with a long term boyfriend in my mid twenties. I had to pull out of purchasing the house we were in the process of buying and, having given notice on my rental house, had to move back in with my parents. I mourned the loss of him, but also the loss of the future we’d planned.

A work colleague passed something onto me, that someone had passed onto her after a similar breakup. She said it doesn’t feel like it’s possible, and you won’t believe me, but you will end up happy with someone else and grateful that this happened.

Of course if didn’t believe her, but she was right.

Eventually you will find yourself exactly where you want to be and be grateful this happened. And you won’t have to worry about how your ex is doing, because you’ll be so happy that you’ll wish the same happiness for him.

Windmillwhirl · 15/12/2020 19:12

Your life is passing you by. You cannot change what he did or get back what you had.

He sounds utterly cruel and heartless. He left you with a text. That's a despicable way to treat someone. Do you miss him or are you lonely and long for a new partner?

PurplePansy05 · 15/12/2020 19:13

Right ok, but still, you're talking about someone leaving a 6 year relationship and then massively rushing into something new, head first. You don't know anything about what their relationship is actually like. You only imagine things, based on what, though? It's an image in your head and the reality might be different. This is happening because you're not having a good time now, but this will not last forever. For your own sake, you need to cut all ties with them, social media, discussing them with mutual friends, everything. You need to start afresh, living in the past will not do anything good.

Piratedoor · 15/12/2020 19:14

They're probably not having the greatest time tbh, sounds like they got together mainly because of the pregnancy and having a baby usually puts a strain on relationships more than anything, so must be extra difficult if you're in a new relationship. Try to remember that what you think is happening 2 roads down probably isn't what is actually happening. What he did to you was really tough, but honestly you've had a lucky escape, better that he did it before marrying you. When you're ready, get back out there and find someone better

tribpot · 15/12/2020 19:16

He met her on a night out a few weeks after we spilt
Mmm yes. So he says.

he basically discarded me twice
Correction, he gave you two excellent opportunities to observe the fact he's a flake who can't be depended on. He would be an incredibly poor choice as a life partner, so there's a bullet dodged.

The date of the wedding was going to be hard, and Christmas is going to be hard - this has been a hard year and the usual things you might have done to distract from the heartache aren't available. As to this: I don’t know how to face Christmas knowing they are two roads away - you might not be able to get away at Christmas but do you need to keep living so close to them?

Either way, it's time to accept you don't know anything about their life together. Is it wonderful family time with a newborn? Unlikely. But it doesn't matter. What he does or doesn't do is irrelevant. Time to focus on yourself and making plans for next year that don't involve him, or thinking about him.

Original poster

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:16

Yes I do miss him and feel like I go over that few months we were in touch and meeting up only for him to disappear when he found out about having a child with someone else. They moved in and have been living together since, so the past 6 months and that’s the bit I struggle with as I have in my head he gets this perfect life now after what he did to me. I know I need to deal with that in therapy and I am but some nights I just sit here imagining his blissful home and family he’s suddenly got in the space of less than a year! It feels so unfair. Bratty comment I realise but it’s just how I feel right now

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 15/12/2020 19:17

He could be living a nightmare. Just because he’s giving it a go, doesn’t mean they’re happy. That baby will have completely changed their relationship. I imagine she is wondering if he’s there for her or there for the baby, that constant niggling doubt.... obviously it wasn’t amazing if he was texting you.
But it really doesn’t matter whether he’s happy or not, you have to concentrate on making yourself happy again and forgetting about this man. Christmas can be a tough time of year and is even worse this year due to covid, it’ll take time to move on, but you will make a new life for yourself. Just never give him the opportunity to engage with you again!

Original poster

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:18

@PurplePansy05 I don’t have any of them on social media, not even his extended family. I’m really doing what I can to ignore it but some nights I sit here imagining them cuddled up and in a family home having a wonderful time and I just feel broken. I thought we’d be doing that together

OP posts:

Skyla2005 · 15/12/2020 19:19

Really sorry you are going through this. One thing that struck me was you said he met her after he left. This hardly ever happens. Men never just walk out unless there is someone else waiting in the background. This may help you to see him in a different light. He wouldn’t have been right for you I’m sure. It won’t be long and he will get itchy feet with her too but she will be in a worse position than you as she has a baby. Think you’ve had a lucky escape. It hurts now but you will get over it and be happy again I promise

MaMaD1990 · 15/12/2020 19:20

With a 6 month old baby to look after he'll be exhausted, dishevelled, getting fat and have 0 sex life.

Does that help at all?? I hope it's all true!

ireallyamthewalrus · 15/12/2020 19:22

I agree with @TheSockMonster. I was in a similar position except we had got married so had a load of legal untangling. Part of the difficulty you face is that the restrictions make it difficult for you to move your life forward. But do try to busy yourself with things where you can.

It’s absolutely true that one day you will be even happier with someone who treats you well.

Original poster

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:23

@MaMaD1990 yes it does help as awful as I sound saying that! I know I need to work on the issues I have obsessing over it but I just have this image in my head of him there with her and it destroys me sometimes.

Those saying he already met her...I know for a fact he met her weeks after we ended. We have some mutual friends and one of them told me the night her met her and neither of them had seen her before. I trust him, he was on my side through this and wouldn’t make it up to cover for my ex. That part is irrelevant really anyway. He left me and now has is happy family straight away.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 15/12/2020 19:23

How he feels is impossible to tell. I would imagine his feelings are very mixed. Doubtless he loves his new son but he and his son’s mother went into parenthood as virtual strangers, and having a new baby isn’t an idyll, it’s shockingly hard.

But the fact is if we believe his timeline, he had already decided your relationship wasn’t working. Looking back were there signs? What was your day-to-day relationship like?

Original poster

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:25

@Longtalljosie it was good, we hadn’t just had a bit of conflict over relocating for work. He was messaging me and wanting to make it work a couple of months later. It’s all so shit.

OP posts:

PurplePansy05 · 15/12/2020 19:25

OK, I'm only trying to help. Good luck to you, OP.

Cherryberrypies · 15/12/2020 19:26

Oh OP. I am so sorry, what a year you have had. I doubt everything is rosy. It’s pretty clear by him coming back to you that he was doubting his choice of leaving and things were not greener for him.

He has a child now so has stayed out of a sense of duty rather than wanting to be there so everything may come crashing down around him. By then you will have moved on and have a lovely life whatever you choose to do!

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 19:26

Interesting parallel with another thread by a man where his ex moved on quickly

Apparently he was unreasonable for thinking she’d had an affair

On here however, even though the OP is happy he didn’t, posters are still claiming they know better.

Ffs

CattyP89 · 15/12/2020 19:28

It doesn’t feel like it but it will get better. My ex left me for someone else I was a mess for months my mum was dying of cancer at the time and I felt my world would never get better. They worked in the same chain store so I heard about their ‘amazing’ life and how happy they were. Made it a lot worse and you question everything and yourself. Fast forward 4 years. He left her for someone else got her pregnant and is doing his thing I now have a man I trust with my life and a beautiful bundle of my own. Time heals but always remember however much you love him would you want a man who could just up and leave like that your worth more.

Openalltheadvent · 15/12/2020 19:32

@UpAndStars I’m sorry this happened to you, it sounds really hard. You need to put all your energy into yourself and build your confidence again. I am glad you are getting therapy now as I was in a similar situation and massively regret not having therapy back then. Don’t let him destroy you any more than he has you sound lovely and are worth so much more

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 19:35

I just can’t get it out of my head that he’s there in blissful family life after he left me so callously and coldly after 6 years together.

I'd bet my life his family life is far from "blissful", and if he truly didn't meet her until after he left, I'd bet my house again he was fooling around with other women before he did his runner.

I'm so sorry for your pain, but the truth is that he did you the biggest favour of your life by leaving. It's better to know now who he truly is than to find that out after getting married.

crosshatching · 15/12/2020 19:36

OP is it possible that some of your distress is anger at their shockingly cowardly way you've been treated? Sometimes our emotions don't express themselves the way we think they should, and we don't really live in a society that allows women to express their anger effectively.
This first year was always going to be tough, perhaps now that anniversary of when your wedding was planned you could start making active plans to move forward and put this twonk behind you. Would you consider moving at all?

Original poster

UpAndStars · 15/12/2020 19:37

@PurplePansy05 yes I know you were. Sorry. Didn’t mean to sound snappy! Thank you.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread